Pre marital agreements, a sensitive subject

[warpedbored]

I have read that USCIS report before. Personally I think it is flawed. Just the fact that it uses the term "mail order bride" is biased. It insinuates women can be bought and sold. Also the focus is on Russian and Philipine women. Very little is said about China. As far as I know there have been no studies on the divorce rate between Chinese and Americans. CFL is the only bench mark I have and it seems obvious to me that the vast majority of us here have successful marriages.

 

I do agree though that a middle aged 300 lb guy who goes to China to meet and marry a beautiful slim 25 yr old is probably deluding himself. That marriage will likely disintegrate with abuse allegations being made.

 

Last but not least no contract can force anyone to stay married to anyone. They can only protect the assets you aquired before the marriage began. Many men having been burned by an exwife taking a huge chunk of his assets in a bitter divorce are just being cautious. I don't think it has that much to do with Their feelings about the prospective spouse. One thing I find ironic is the I-864 is a very binding document that in short states that the American petitioner will be financially responsible for his spouse for a number of years whether they are still married or not.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

I have read that USCIS report before.  Personally I think it is flawed.  Just the fact that it uses the term "mail order bride" is biased.  It insinuates women can be bought and sold. Also the focus is on Russian and Philipine women.  Very little is said about China.  As far as I know there have been no studies on the divorce rate between Chinese and Americans.

175987[/snapback]

Here, Here Carl!!

 

That study is not only flawed and biased, it's threatening to impinge upon the rights of American men. Okay, I'm not intending to offend, oh heck, why not....

 

These studies are largely funded by militant feminists whose purpose it seems is to pander to their constituents at the expense of men. It's quite popular these days to bash men and has been for some time.

[Guest fh4ever]

These studies are largely funded by militant feminists whose purpose it seems is to pander to their constituents at the expense of men. It's quite popular these days to bash men and has been for some time.

175990[/snapback]

Gee, what gives you that idea?

 

Oh, wait...

 

Why do American men want foreign wives? ... Of the 30 mail-order bride couples Mila Glodava (Glodava and Onizuka, 1994) encountered between 1986 and 1993, only two were close in age (4 -6 years difference). In the other 28 there was a 20 to 50 year difference in age. Older men, says Glodava, often want women "they can mold" and therefore do not want those who are too educated. .. She concludes that, "It is apparent that power and control are critical for the men."

 

It seems to me that some of these militant feminists may be missing the significance of the "hot-babe-osity factor"...

[sylinchinastill]

One thing I find ironic is the I-864 is a very binding document that in short states that the American petitioner will be financially responsible for his spouse for a number of years whether they are still married or not.

 

Which is why proceeding with caution is always a good idea. If a 300 lb 60 year old man is with a 25-year old, and it may seem to be too good to be true, then it is. I also totally agree with the posts about disillusions. If she gets over here and she is young and hot it is likely that she can fall out of love. I have also seen a difference in women who are from big cities in China vs. those from small towns. Small town girls are more likely to stay- (IMHO)- because, I don't know why. But I have seen a lot of posts about Shanghai or Shenzhen girls who leave, why? Maybe because their lives are pretty good in China. Maybe they are upper middle class in China- and once they realize they are lower class here they want to find something better. Not all Shanghai, Shenzhen girls- obviously. But I think the country girls have a better hanging on rate. I think if the age difference is too big there are some risks too. I am 27- my husband is 33. I don't see that as an age difference. But I would never marry someone way older than me- and I think a lot of girls wouldn't unless there are other considerations in mind as well. But obviously for older men and women with a 20 year gap- like 60/40- it's not a big deal. But 40/20- it still is a huge gap. And maybe girls just change their minds.

Edited December 15, 2005 by sylinchinastill (see edit history)

[Darlene2005]

I am a Chinese American. Maybe I have different culture background from my Chinese origin. But I do not and will never have a prenuptial agreement.  Here are my rationales:

 

(1) Do not marry someone who you do not trust 100%. Marriage is very serious and should be well-thought of beforehand.  Look at the tragic stories which happened to others.

 

(2) I do not know when I will die.  I may die tomorrow because I am hit by a truck or die from my chronic illness.  I told my wife that I have a life-insurance policy.  If I die, she will have a large sum in $$$ paid from the insurance policy.  For all my U.S. bank accounts, investments and 401K plan, I designate my wife as the sole beneficiary.  In the event something happened to me, she will inherit all my money.  At the moment when I die, I want to make sure my wife and my son will be taken care of, then I will die with a smile.

 

Mutual trust, as I believe, is critically important in a happy marriage.  I cannot understand why people would rush into a marriage without 100% trust of their SOs.

175501[/snapback]

Great post, Paul! I agree with you 100%.

 

We should get 100% beliefe from each other before we get marry! If not, why we take the risk? Life is short and we don't always have time to regret.

[Matman]

Dissregard!

Edited December 18, 2005 by Matman (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

here is a recent thread:

 

Do we need a contract for our marriage

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=14559

[Guest Paul]

I am a Chinese American. Maybe I have different culture background from my Chinese origin. But I do not and will never have a prenuptial agreement.  Here are my rationales:

 

(1) Do not marry someone who you do not trust 100%. Marriage is very serious and should be well-thought of beforehand.  Look at the tragic stories which happened to others.

 

(2) I do not know when I will die.  I may die tomorrow because I am hit by a truck or die from my chronic illness.  I told my wife that I have a life-insurance policy.  If I die, she will have a large sum in $$$ paid from the insurance policy.  For all my U.S. bank accounts, investments and 401K plan, I designate my wife as the sole beneficiary.  In the event something happened to me, she will inherit all my money.  At the moment when I die, I want to make sure my wife and my son will be taken care of, then I will die with a smile.

 

Mutual trust, as I believe, is critically important in a happy marriage.  I cannot understand why people would rush into a marriage without 100% trust of their SOs.

175501[/snapback]

Stone,

 

Thank you for stating your rationale. I agree with you and would like to say this. When I first started communicating with SO online, I had the same feelings as some who have expressed a need or interest pre-nupts. But now, after many months of emailing, phone calls, letters and a personal visit with SO in China my trust for and with this woman has developed way beyond anything I ever expected and there in no way I would marry without that kind of trust. I remember laying eyes on her for the first time at the airport. She made a great first-impression on me and, among other things, she projected a tremendous amoount of honesty and sincerity. There's no question that I trusted her from the beginning, from the moment I laid eyes on her. I believe she would say the same about me. And our trust for one another has only grown stronger and stronger - so much so - that my early fear of failure, or loss, in case something does not work out has simply passed. Still, neither one of us have STUPID written across our forheads - both have had experiences with untrustworty spouses. I believe I have approached my situation with caution, good judgment and logic and recommend anyone contemplating marriage do the same. Perhaps those contemplating marriage to a Chinese girl can move a new level of trust once some time has passed and they too have developed confidence in their relationship - it only takes a little time. However, IMHO, if there is no trust in the beginning - it possibly may never be there. Food for thought, Paul

[jim_julian]

We will have a prenup. It will be drafted in English and Chinese. She will review it with a Chinese lawyer of her choice.

 

We are committed. We love each other deeply. We intend to spend the rest of our lives together. Yet we are not naieve ... sometimes things happen.

Edited December 18, 2005 by jim_julian (see edit history)

[tmkeith]

If this is for a K-1 Visa, you may want to consider filing anyway, especially if you feel this prenuptial issue can be resolved. Right or wrong as the prenup may be, your application is at the mercy of USCIS timeframes, and time's a wastin'.

 

Now, if he hasn't asked you to marry him yet, what I just stated is a waste of time.

 

Now, back to the pros and cons of prenups

[m-coon]

I would ask him WHY he feels the need for the agreement? If he really does not trust you - you must ask yourself if this is what you really want. I'm sure it is designed primarily to protect him - not you.

If you do agree to sign - it is very important that you find your own attorney to represent you and assure this is in your best interest. I would think he may be somewhat worried that you will leave him once you enter the USA - And if he really feels this way, is this the guy you want as your husband? It is of the most importance that you both LOVE and TRUST each other! If he does not trust you 100% - then you will most likely have problems down the road.

From your words here - you seem to be a very sincere woman - He is very lucky to have you as a fiancee - just don't make the wrong decision now in haste. Think about it and talk about it until you feel more comfortable.

Good luck on whatever you decide. Please remember to post updates of how this works out.

Scott

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

First, there are three topics being discussed here:

 

1. Justification and reasons for pre-nup

 

2. Whether an old ugly fat guy has married or is about to marry a babe that it too hot for him and will leave him after discovering the vast green grass in the US.

 

3. Whether one simply feels it wise to have a pre-nup because they have amassed enough assets that if lost in divorce would be devastating and unfair to the US person.

[summersun]

Hello ,everyone.Thank you very much for all of your kind words , and the important thing was my boyfriend has changed his mind . I know what he wanted was not protecting himself , because of love , because he needs a life time love ,and he dose not want to me to leave .that was the only reason he wanted me to sign the contract .What CFL gave us is not only a response , but also the different way to look at our relationship ,our love and our future .

Thanks everyboday again and merry Christmas!

[pkfops]

I wouldn't worry about it.

 

After you arrive:

 

The only thing you need to do is keep

enough money saved for an air ticket

back to China if things don't work out.