Is it your responsibility to take care of

[jim_julian]

Hmmm ... what an emotional topic ...

 

Lao po and I are K-1. I call her lao po and she calls me lao gong because in our hearts we have been married for one year. We are waiting for a lenghty administrative process that will eventually allow us to have the paper work that reflects the reality in our lives.

 

She is fortunate enough to have plenty of money. She pays for virtually everything when I am in China. I have seen her bank books, I know where her money comes from, we are very open with each other in this, and all, respects.

 

When she and her daughter come to the US we will all work together and share expenses. She is very adament that the daughter must work while going to college and contribute to the family income. She also understands my obligations to my other children and to my ex-wife. She is supportive of these things.

 

On my part I realize that in the Chinese culture we must do our share to support her aging mama and baba. I am totally comfortable with this.

 

If the couple is bound by true love and is totally honest with each other then there should be no problems.

 

Unfortunately on this board, and in life, I see too many scammers on each side. There are US men trying to exploit Chinese ladies for sex and there are Chinese ladies trying to exploit US men for money.

 

After just a little discourse the people with good hearts are easy to see.

[Cerberus]

On 001 forum, a Chinese woman said she has never asked for money from her American husband,and her husband has never sent her a penny,even when her husband visisted her in China she paid everything for her husband, when she needed to buy something,her husband always said she didn't need anything.And now she has financial problem, she told her husband about it,her husband refused to talk about it and refused to give money, her husband always says I love you to her,but now she is confused: where is the love?

 

Earlier I read a post here on candle for love.It was about a husband getting really upset by his wife asking for more money. Because she sometimes gets together with sisters from 001 and they compare how much money they get from their husband. And she said her husband gave her only 150USD each month and other wives got more. This wife asking for more money is not surprising for me, what surprised me is so many American husbands here said they saw a big red flag and even accused his wife of asking for money,and asked this guy to be careful with his wife, and said his wife only cared about money and some even said :dump her.

 

God!!For me,a wife asking for money from a husband is normal,there is nothing wrong with it,I DIDNOT see a red flag. It is not good to compare your husband with others' ,your husband should always be the best for you. BUT,what is wrong for a husband to support the wife financially especially when the wife doesn't work?? It's not your responsibility to support a woman financially if you are not married with her,but once you are married with her,she is your wife and your responsibility for a lifetime.

 

I am surprised so many American husbands think the same way about money. I know some of you guys here send money to your wife each month. From you guys' replies to the complaining husband,it seems to me you guys think a wife should not ask for money from a husband, a husband should not take care of the wife financially? Did I get you wrong? Maybe there is cultural difference in it? We hear in USA,even husband and wife go dutch,is it true? Because in USA,everybody has to be independent. In China it is not acceptable that husband and wife go dutch.

 

My husband is American too,but he is more Chinese than Chinese. He always says it is his responsibility to take care of me, he doesn't allow me to work,he says he will take good care of me forever,and he says I should not worry about life, he wants me to enjoy life,no matter what I need to buy, he will buy for me even it is expensive. He wants me to depend my whole life on him, and he devotes his whole life to me.To be honest,he gives me at least 500USD every month, and when I need to buy something expensive, he will even give more. He always gives me money without me asking.

 

I didn't see anything wrong with a wife asking for money. You guys think if a wife asks for money then she is not a good wife. I think husband and wife should share everything in life, your money is not your wife's money?? the money you work hard for is not for giving a good life to your wife? My husband says I am the reason for him to work hard. A husband and wife should share all the ups and downs ,all the good things and bad things.I am sure when you are in trouble,your wife is the first to reach out her hand for you. When you have financial problem, your wife will give her money to help you without hesitation. You take care of your wife,your wife takes care of you,it is mutual.

 

As for the complaining wife on 001,How can a husband allow his wife to pay for him all the time when he come visit? Did he marry a woman to support him financially?And when his wife is in trouble he doesn't want to support her? Where is the love? Love is not only saying I love you everyday, LOVE is action.

171915[/snapback]

Chinabird,

 

I think that what you are discussing is probably one of the hotly and most controversial intercultural aspects that will arise in any of our marriages and or relationships. Some it will be a large matter, for many others it is a small matter.

 

In regard to the woman, the information that we see may indeed be slightly slanted and we are only hearing “one side of the coin.” However, staying with her argument, I probably as a woman would consider this as “red flag.” A woman who has been raised in the Far Eastern side of the world expects her husband to support her. Support of the wife is considered the husbands primary duty. The care of the household budgets and the inner workings of the home are considered the woman’s domain. (To all, this doesn’t mean that the woman is pardon the expression; “barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen!”) This paradigm is seen not only in China, but in Korea, Japan, Malaysia, Philippines, Indonesia, Vietnam and Thailand just to name a few. It is simply a matter of cultural upbringing for the respective culture of either spouse. Responsibilities and expectations will range from a greater degree, to a lesser degree.

 

I can fully understand why the wife was upset. This is her cultural upbringing speaking. Can this be carried to huge degrees either way? Absolutely! In my opinion a man that has his wife pay for everything would raise a red flag for me immediately. I’m sure that this wife feels the same way, and she is probably already asking herself; 1) if he can’t support me now how can he support me later? 2) He states that he loves me but he doesn’t want to support me now, what will he do when we are together, later? Ladies and gentlemen these are valid questions and must be addressed now before the have gone past the “point of no return!” A Chinese or other Oriental culture does want to hear the words that I love you and care for you. However, your actions speak louder than the words “I love you!”

 

In my individual case and mine only, Yin knows that I’m a student. She knows that money is very tight. She also works and supports herself. This is for now only. When we are together and I am actually out of school, I assure you that the tables will be reversed! We have already discussed this matter before it comes to an argument between the spouses. We have discussed our roles in the marriage and in the future my pay is turned over to her. She gives me my allowance (I requested this manner) and she will use the monies that are remaining for the house, children, furniture, etc, etc. I felt this is the best system, since most Oriental women feel very insecure when they don’t know what is happening with the bank account. They simply want security and reassurance against the future. This is also a commonality with Western women to a lesser disagree. What is the leading cause of divorce western men and women? Adultery and finances. Again it will vary between individuals and from culture to culture. I will talk a little bit more on this later. Yin and I have also discussed our roles. Inside the home, she is Queen and what she says, goes! Outside of the home, and matters relating from the front doorstep onward, I am King and what I says goes! However, both are allowed to have say matters within each other’s area of responsibilities. I have been married twice with Oriental women. This is my third. I have never had an argument over finances and/or responsibilities. The only argument that Yin and I have had about finances was when I attempted to save money, and scaled back the telephone calls between us. This angered her and she told me so! I explained what I was doing, then she understood and a compromise was reached to limit them only somewhat!

 

Counter arguments are probably being raised after what you have read! What about the “golddiggers?” How do I know that is my wife is being prideful and spending the money frivolously? Gentlemen, from what I have learned in my travels, the Chinese people are by and large probably some of the most frugal people in the world. They save like there is no tomorrow! However, when they spend money on family, friends and on you they spend lavish amounts of money, that we as Westerners think of as excessive, THEY SPEND! If you haven’t found this aspect about your wife, then you have a lot more “homework” to do! Yin is no different. As an example, there are times when she will use newspapers as a tablecloth, since the tablecloth might get dirty and she has to spend money for water to wash it. There are other times when she spends lavish amounts,

(I’m talking about 4 or 5 of her monthly paychecks) of money, for presents on my siblings. These are two opposite extremes that I previously talked about. If your wife doesn’t have at least some of these qualities, then I assure you this dragon, will raise its head later in your marriage! Look beyond the money, possessions, the “I Love You’s” and look at her lifestyle. Is she a high maintenance woman, or a cultured woman that has her own set of personal beliefs? You had better find out what these beliefs and values are that she has. And I mean right now. Otherwise there will be problems in your marriage!

 

Chinabird you also bring up a very valid point that is also related to this topic that was made in another posting. It originated I believe from 001 forum and discussed here and many people saw “red flags.” Some rightly so! Some not in my opinion. Many men were angered that their wives would get together and talk about their husband’s salaries, how much support they received, what they did, etc. I didn’t make a posting, and was surprised how many men didn’t see to grasp the true reality of what was happening with their spouses. Are there “golddiggers” and prideful women that will talk a bunch of crap about how much better they are than others? Of course! You should have done your “homework” and found out that they were “golddiggers” long before this point. Therefore, the “golddiggers” being eliminated (probably 10-15% still remain) we will have a group that is married/fiancées that are coming together is the 001 forum to form a clique. This clique is designed for support, commonality and support. Don’t Western men have the Elks, Kiwanas, etc? Why are the Chinese women any different? Gentlemen, think of the last time you met some one at a party? What are the first questions out of any one persons mouth? 1) Hi! I’m so and so. 2) Responded with Hi! I’m so and so. What do you do for a living? This conversation automatically places that person in the appropriate strata in the conversation. President of the US or China you address a lot differently than a sanitation worker. Think a bit further; Isn’t your new wife being submitted to the same subtle question when she goes to the local Oriental grocery store, hosts an Amway or Tupperware party, or even your own church? Each of the three (And there are many, many more) will rank her according to these subtle questions, as surely as they rank you in your own workplace.

 

Gentlemen, what do you think that the women in 001 forum doing? They are proud of their new husbands/fiancées and they damn sure are going to make sure that another woman puts them down! When they join the groups/affiliations the same questions that were asked above are sure as Hell going to be asked by others to them. They are forming a hierarchical relationship among themselves. A “peck” order is a more commonly known term. Face (guanxi, probably misspelled to experts) is probably one of the highest traits among Oriental people. Loss of it is terrible and a cause of great shame to themselves. When they are being “stratified” they (women in this case) are fighting for their appropriate place in this peck order. They do not want themselves or their husbands to be placed at the bottom of “the pile.” This causes them great loss of face. So they will talk about their husbands proudly and how much he cares for them with their support. This is a big surprise to everyone? This has been around for about as long as there has been a Chinese culture. And it will continue well into the future as long as there are human beings on this planet!

 

I agree with Chinabird, I’m more Oriental thinking due to the huge amounts of time that I spent living in the Orient. In my particular case and it is a bit more unique; I simply can’t give an allowance being a student. However, in the future I assure you I will be the one being given the allowance. However, I agree that if a man is to be married and has the funds necessary, that he should agree to give an allowance. I don’t agree that men should simply throw tons of money at the woman. I also realize that many women will want more of a buffer than what they actually need. Therefore, if I was in this situation and since we are to be married and consensus of opinions should be reached between the man and woman.

 

This issue is hotly debated in other forums that I’m a member in. Ladies and Gentlemen, predominately this is a Chinese/American forum. This same issue is a HOTLY debated topic. You are very fortunate. Don’t believe me try Thailand, Filipino or Vietnamese cultures. You will not only be sending your wife an allowance, you will also be sending an allowance to her family. May God himself have mercy on the person who doesn’t! This is a husband’s perceived responsibility in these cultures to not only to the wife, but also to her children, siblings, parents and probably the water buffalo that is staked out back! How many of you have had to pay a dowry before marriage? DanR will know exactly what I’m talking about. In Thailand you will pay Sin Sot (a dowry) for a virtuous woman, I have seen prices going from 100,000baht($2,425) and going up to 2,000,000baht ($48,500) and still buy 22K gold starting at 5 baht and continuing up of 22K gold, valued at $647 to who knows where. Failure to pay this is a great loss of face to the bride and to her family. Thankfully, most modern Chinese families are not much into this huge dowry. However, there are holdouts in China, so don’t get too comfortable! Lest I forget, there will be an allowance given to the bride’s family also. All of these arrangements are made and negotiated before a marriage takes place. Don’t do it? I assure that she will be a social pariah in her own family. Thank the lord that you married a Chinese woman! Now a Western man and a Chinese woman (or reversed roles) cannot come to a mutually agreed upon allowance? Come on! Wake up and smell the coffee!

 

As for your final two paragraphs, I can’t find a single flaw in your thinking, and I wholeheartedly agree with it. My wife knows that I have 6 months until graduation. She doesn’t care about our wealth. She and I both care for our love. As she has stated, “ I have two hands and I have a mind, to work!” There are times when the man and woman have to work together for a better future. I am also aware that she will probably purchase or want something in the future that I believe to be completely frivolous and unnecessary. I know that this is my male perception talking to me. If it makes her happy, let her buy it. As long as the item is within reason, why not buy it? She wants to go shopping for shoes or clothes and needs a bit more cash; give it to her. I don’t believe in going out and purchasing a swimming pool or a mansion. However, if there is that special lotion or perfume that she wants, why not? You vowed to take care of her in sickness and health in bad times and good times. What is money? Merely a “vehicle” to obtain happiness! You made the vow, as did I to care for her. This doesn’t mean putting a plate of beans on the table and expecting her to be happy. This also includes making her happy in those small things that she treasures in her heart, that mean absolutely nothing to you as a man!

 

There is one final item that must be considered. The symbol of Yin and Yang. It is an even 50% to 50% of black and white. It is always dynamic and can constantly change. Money, allowance, happiness and status can all be incorporated into this symbol. The line is flexible ladies and gentlemen. Why make the line immovable? Place your desires and your wives/fiancés desires into this. Both of you will be far happier.

171960[/snapback]

are going to make sure that another woman puts them down!

 

Sorry, typo. Should have read:

 

... are going to make sure that no other woman puts them down!...

[Joanne]

I think we should not take the words out of their context.

 

Basically, I think that wife in China should not ask for money from their husband who are still in America.

 

Yes, husband and wife should support each other. In lots of families, like you mentioned as traditional families, wife stays at home taking care of family chores while husband works outside to earn the income. In such a case, husband is supporting wife financially, while wife is also contributing. This is perfectly normal and acceptable. Or in some other cases, husband just want to show his love through providing a comfortable life. It is also perfectly OK for the wife to accept the offer when that husband is financially strong enough.

 

However, for some of our CFL members, it would certainly raise a red flag if a wife think a marriage gives her the privilege to live comfortably without effort. We may ask: how was this wife making a living prior to the marriage? Why was the money from American husband necessary?

[Cerberus]

Hmmm ... what an emotional topic ...

 

Lao po and I are K-1.  I call her lao po and she calls me lao gong because in our hearts we have been married for one year.  We are waiting for a lenghty administrative process that will eventually allow us to have the paper work that reflects the reality in our lives.

 

She is fortunate enough to have plenty of money.  She pays for virtually everything when I am in China.  I have seen her bank books, I know where her money comes from, we are very open with each other in this, and all, respects.

 

When she and her daughter come to the US we will all work together and share expenses.  She is very adament that the daughter must work while going to college and contribute to the family income.  She also understands my obligations to my other children and to my ex-wife.  She is supportive of these things.

 

On my part I realize that in the Chinese culture we must do our share to support her aging mama and baba.  I am totally comfortable with this.

 

If the couple is bound by true love and is totally honest with each other then there should be no problems. 

 

Unfortunately on this board, and in life, I see too many scammers on each side.  There are US men trying to exploit Chinese ladies for sex and there are Chinese ladies trying to exploit US men for money. 

 

After just a little discourse the people with good hearts are easy to see.

171961[/snapback]

Jim,

 

Emotional topic? Yes to some. To Yin and myself not at all! The emotions have been eliminated by us already talking about beforehand. I know what type of woman, and dignity and heart that she has. She also understands mine. Both mutual understanding go far beyond what is ad and we look at each others actions. Obviously your fiancee and yourself have employed the same mannerisms.

 

However, I would point out one thing that may have been amiss in both of our posts. There are some that are not as fourtunate to have jobs. That is where this mutual understanding must come in and a mutual agreement must be reached.

 

Yin and I were very fortunate that she only has her mother. However, she has a substantial retirment check, as do all of her realtives. However, this is our foirtune, not others. In regard to her family, they do not desire anything from me. However, they know that I'm always open to help when they need it.

 

You are right that there are scammers going both ways. You are also correct that a person who has a good heart can quickly see through this facade. Yet the posting that I talked about with red flags and wives discussing their husbands and support. How many "hasty generalizations" were made by Western cultures on why these women were comparing their spouses? There were facts that they are unaware of and absent from their logic. All facts must be presented in order to draw a logical conclusion. You and I have traveled extensively. How many members of this forum have traveld as much as us? I personally have about 43 countries under my belt. I won't even guess how many you have, but I'm sure that it is substantial totals. This fact makes us pardon the expression "more culturally" aware. Please excuse me CFLr's I know that there are others who have just as much or more. I was using us as an example only!

 

From your posting you have already employed the same logic that I have. You are aware of responsibilities, you are aware of obligations to both familys, as your fiancee is keenly aware of your family. We are fortunate to have had this awareness and have already taken preemptive steps towards our future happiness!

 

Final question:

How many others haven't done this before now and what harm will result? Another divorce to add to the expontially increasing totals now?

[Cerberus]

I think we should not take the words out of their context.

 

Basically, I think that wife in China should not ask for money from their husband who are still in America. 

 

Yes, husband and wife should support each other.  In lots of families, like you mentioned as traditional families, wife stays at home taking care of family chores while husband works outside to earn the income.  In such a case, husband is supporting wife financially, while wife is also contributing.  This is perfectly normal and acceptable. Or in some other cases, husband just want to show his love through providing a comfortable life.  It is also perfectly OK for the wife to accept the offer when that husband is financially strong enough.

 

However, for some of our CFL members, it would certainly raise a red flag if a wife think a marriage gives her the privilege to live comfortably without effort.  We may ask:  how was this wife making a living prior to the marriage?  Why was the money from American husband necessary?

171969[/snapback]

Joanne,

 

An excellent counterargument from a Chinese woman's perspective!

 

I agree Yin and I are more traiditional in our thinking. However, she wouldn't have to ask! I am her husband, I should already know this. When in Rome do as Roman's. Your are marrying a traditional Chinese woman, do as Traditional Chinese families do. There are no questions needed to be asked, and would be a waste of time. You are expected to somewhat follow and definetly know her culture already. All the both do is to blend the best of each culture together. This another topic altogether.

 

how was this wife making a living prior to the marriage? Why was the money from American husband necessary?

 

Sure they should! This a part of learning them better and learning their SOs value system Doesn't this beg the question that I raised when two people meet each other at a party? Who are you? They are rating you. These are questions that you and I would both ask. Did I ask my wife an exact Annual Finiancial Statement? No! This is crass. However, I definetly know what she does for a living, her past and I know how much she makes. After that it is an distrustful intrusion on their privacy. I should point out that this goes both ways.

 

However, I point out to you how many countless times in not only this forum, but 001 forum and endless others, that the same inane question is being asked or being misunderstood by both? IMHO opinion they don't understand the culture, what is their SOs value system that is in their heart. This leads me to believe that many of the relationships are already on "rocky" ground. Fortunately, as I pointed out to Jim Julian and I posted and is inclusive of youi. These misunderstandings have been eliminated. We understand our spouses! Why would the question even be raised in a solid family?

[Cerberus]

The issue isn't sending money.  Of course someone should support his wife.  The issue is sending money to send money.  In the post you mention the guy is doing what he can to save money, and doesn't have but so much.  He sends his wife what he can.  But after talking to friends who get more, she gets jealous and wants more too.  THAT is the issue.  It's like the little kid who begs for the new toy because his friend has one.  A husband and wife should be partners, he should give what he can and what she NEEDS - and she shouldn't badger him to give more than that.

 

As for the girl you mention on 001 - I agree, her husband sounds like a pretty irresponsible person.

 

I think one issue here is - and please don't be insulted - your English is not 100% (but it's very good) many people here post long wordy posts, and you missed some of the subtleties of what they were saying.  No one thinks a husband should not support his wife at all.  Some may disagree on how much, but that's more personal than cultural.

 

Many Americans hear "If you don't pay me more, you don't love me" and THAT is a red flag.

171948[/snapback]

"If you don't pay me more, you don't love me" and THAT is a red flag.

 

 

Jeikun,

 

Agree fully. I can't even remember how many times I heard this in Korea, Cambodia, Vietnam, PI and Thailand. Given five cents every time, I would have built the proverbial "Yellow Brick Road."

 

This to me isn't just a red flag! It is a black flag, since I do a 180 degreee turn from this relationship and "run for the hills!"

[ptcrusier333rph]

My wife would not accept any money from me until we was married. after that I put in to a debt account for her the amount of money that double her income. Our son is going to a good school that has air condition, my wife and son is eattting better, my Son love milk and he get to drink it daily. he been out growing his cloths and I been helping on that. Do I complain no, I enjoy it, I can't be there in person to help my family but I can help support them. That my opinion. She worry that she making me work so hard. it not hard work it taking care of my family.

 

robert

[Joanne]

I think we should not take the words out of their context.

 

Basically, I think that wife in China should not ask for money from their husband who are still in America. 

 

Yes, husband and wife should support each other.  In lots of families, like you mentioned as traditional families, wife stays at home taking care of family chores while husband works outside to earn the income.  In such a case, husband is supporting wife financially, while wife is also contributing.  This is perfectly normal and acceptable.   Or in some other cases, husband just want to show his love through providing a comfortable life.  It is also perfectly OK for the wife to accept the offer when that husband is financially strong enough.

 

However, for some of our CFL members, it would certainly raise a red flag if a wife think a marriage gives her the privilege to live comfortably without effort.  We may ask:  how was this wife making a living prior to the marriage?  Why was the money from American husband necessary?

171969[/snapback]

Joanne,

 

An excellent counterargument from a Chinese woman's perspective!

 

I agree Yin and I are more traiditional in our thinking. However, she wouldn't have to ask! I am her husband, I should already know this. When in Rome do as Roman's. Your are marrying a traditional Chinese woman, do as Traditional Chinese families do. There are no questions needed to be asked, and would be a waste of time. You are expected to somewhat follow and definetly know her culture already. All the both do is to blend the best of each culture together. This another topic altogether.

 

how was this wife making a living prior to the marriage? Why was the money from American husband necessary?

 

Sure they should! This a part of learning them better and learning their SOs value system Doesn't this beg the question that I raised when two people meet each other at a party? Who are you? They are rating you. These are questions that you and I would both ask. Did I ask my wife an exact Annual Finiancial Statement? No! This is crass. However, I definetly know what she does for a living, her past and I know how much she makes. After that it is an distrustful intrusion on their privacy. I should point out that this goes both ways.

 

However, I point out to you how many countless times in not only this forum, but 001 forum and endless others, that the same inane question is being asked or being misunderstood by both? IMHO opinion they don't understand the culture, what is their SOs value system that is in their heart. This leads me to believe that many of the relationships are already on "rocky" ground. Fortunately, as I pointed out to Jim Julian and I posted and is inclusive of youi. These misunderstandings have been eliminated. We understand our spouses! Why would the question even be raised in a solid family?

171976[/snapback]

Cerberus, I did not express myself clearly (still don't know how, here). I don't really mean ask your SO those questions. Its just something I want to ask to the person who want money from her American SO.

[Cerberus]

I think we should not take the words out of their context.

 

Basically, I think that wife in China should not ask for money from their husband who are still in America. 

 

Yes, husband and wife should support each other.  In lots of families, like you mentioned as traditional families, wife stays at home taking care of family chores while husband works outside to earn the income.  In such a case, husband is supporting wife financially, while wife is also contributing.  This is perfectly normal and acceptable.   Or in some other cases, husband just want to show his love through providing a comfortable life.  It is also perfectly OK for the wife to accept the offer when that husband is financially strong enough.

 

However, for some of our CFL members, it would certainly raise a red flag if a wife think a marriage gives her the privilege to live comfortably without effort.  We may ask:  how was this wife making a living prior to the marriage?  Why was the money from American husband necessary?

171969[/snapback]

Joanne,

 

An excellent counterargument from a Chinese woman's perspective!

 

I agree Yin and I are more traiditional in our thinking. However, she wouldn't have to ask! I am her husband, I should already know this. When in Rome do as Roman's. Your are marrying a traditional Chinese woman, do as Traditional Chinese families do. There are no questions needed to be asked, and would be a waste of time. You are expected to somewhat follow and definetly know her culture already. All the both do is to blend the best of each culture together. This another topic altogether.

 

how was this wife making a living prior to the marriage? Why was the money from American husband necessary?

 

Sure they should! This a part of learning them better and learning their SOs value system Doesn't this beg the question that I raised when two people meet each other at a party? Who are you? They are rating you. These are questions that you and I would both ask. Did I ask my wife an exact Annual Finiancial Statement? No! This is crass. However, I definetly know what she does for a living, her past and I know how much she makes. After that it is an distrustful intrusion on their privacy. I should point out that this goes both ways.

 

However, I point out to you how many countless times in not only this forum, but 001 forum and endless others, that the same inane question is being asked or being misunderstood by both? IMHO opinion they don't understand the culture, what is their SOs value system that is in their heart. This leads me to believe that many of the relationships are already on "rocky" ground. Fortunately, as I pointed out to Jim Julian and I posted and is inclusive of youi. These misunderstandings have been eliminated. We understand our spouses! Why would the question even be raised in a solid family?

171976[/snapback]

Cerberus, I did not express myself clearly (still don't know how, here). I don't really mean ask your SO those questions. Its just something I want to ask to the person who want money from her American SO.

172040[/snapback]

Joanne,

 

My apologies to you for not reading clearly what you were stating. Comes with age sneaking up on you and hitting you from behind.

 

I agree that the person that is asking for money should be asked by Western SO, what is it for? I saw some of the totals and to be honest $500.00 US Currency seems to me pretty high unless, she has a specific purpose. Most of the men and women that I know recieve about $300.00 USD. My wife gets on very well with about half of that amount and she gets this from her job. The only time that she asked me for extra money was to buy Chinese language books, language cards, and Chinese songbooks, calligraphy brushes and inkstones. She told me that she wanted to have them as teaching materials that she needed in the US. I previously set her up with several families to teach their adopted Chinese children about their culture!

 

However, if I was establishing a relationship with anyone, I personally would ask. However, this is me! This is a part of the learning process between a man and a woman.

[sylinchinastill]

I don't think it is that most people on the site don't want to give their wives money- but that there are scams out there where women ask for money with no intention of really coming to the states or of staying with their husbands even if they do come. I think it's true that the instances of that which I have read about on this site have tainted things- but people are more likely to remember the bad things that have happened to members than the good. Like everything.

[sylinchinastill]

A lot of my friends who are both American and live together do go dutch though. But ever since I met my husband he has paid for more and helped me fly back and forth and ever since we have lived together he has earned more if not all of the money. But my husband is Chinese-

[drive_75]

I think we should not take the words out of their context.

 

Basically, I think that wife in China should not ask for money from their husband who are still in America. 

 

Yes, husband and wife should support each other.  In lots of families, like you mentioned as traditional families, wife stays at home taking care of family chores while husband works outside to earn the income.  In such a case, husband is supporting wife financially, while wife is also contributing.  This is perfectly normal and acceptable.   Or in some other cases, husband just want to show his love through providing a comfortable life.  It is also perfectly OK for the wife to accept the offer when that husband is financially strong enough.

 

However, for some of our CFL members, it would certainly raise a red flag if a wife think a marriage gives her the privilege to live comfortably without effort.  We may ask:  how was this wife making a living prior to the marriage?  Why was the money from American husband necessary?

171969[/snapback]

Joanne,

 

An excellent counterargument from a Chinese woman's perspective!

 

I agree Yin and I are more traiditional in our thinking. However, she wouldn't have to ask! I am her husband, I should already know this. When in Rome do as Roman's. Your are marrying a traditional Chinese woman, do as Traditional Chinese families do. There are no questions needed to be asked, and would be a waste of time. You are expected to somewhat follow and definetly know her culture already. All the both do is to blend the best of each culture together. This another topic altogether.

 

how was this wife making a living prior to the marriage? Why was the money from American husband necessary?

 

Sure they should! This a part of learning them better and learning their SOs value system Doesn't this beg the question that I raised when two people meet each other at a party? Who are you? They are rating you. These are questions that you and I would both ask. Did I ask my wife an exact Annual Finiancial Statement? No! This is crass. However, I definetly know what she does for a living, her past and I know how much she makes. After that it is an distrustful intrusion on their privacy. I should point out that this goes both ways.

 

However, I point out to you how many countless times in not only this forum, but 001 forum and endless others, that the same inane question is being asked or being misunderstood by both? IMHO opinion they don't understand the culture, what is their SOs value system that is in their heart. This leads me to believe that many of the relationships are already on "rocky" ground. Fortunately, as I pointed out to Jim Julian and I posted and is inclusive of youi. These misunderstandings have been eliminated. We understand our spouses! Why would the question even be raised in a solid family?

171976[/snapback]

Cerberus, I did not express myself clearly (still don't know how, here). I don't really mean ask your SO those questions. Its just something I want to ask to the person who want money from her American SO.

172040[/snapback]

Joanne,

 

My apologies to you for not reading clearly what you were stating. Comes with age sneaking up on you and hitting you from behind.

 

I agree that the person that is asking for money should be asked by Western SO, what is it for? I saw some of the totals and to be honest $500.00 US Currency seems to me pretty high unless, she has a specific purpose. Most of the men and women that I know recieve about $300.00 USD. My wife gets on very well with about half of that amount and she gets this from her job. The only time that she asked me for extra money was to buy Chinese language books, language cards, and Chinese songbooks, calligraphy brushes and inkstones. She told me that she wanted to have them as teaching materials that she needed in the US. I previously set her up with several families to teach their adopted Chinese children about their culture!

 

However, if I was establishing a relationship with anyone, I personally would ask. However, this is me! This is a part of the learning process between a man and a woman.

172045[/snapback]

I think that money should not be the topics in any relationship. Both of you should talk about it and understand the need of each other and then leave it alone. In the beginning I have problem with my SO why she need so much money but we went through all the details of her daily life and what she spends on and I agree with her needs. I agree that if you live in Shanghai, $500 is about the norm. This realy depends of your SO. My SO take taxi and love fruits and cleanliness so these things cost a little more. There is also the cell phone bill, DSL bill, electricity bill, and rent bill. For me as long as she can justify the need, I will not doubt or argue with her. What's a husband if she can't depend on you at a time of needs? I really hate this going "dutch" thing. I can never understand and I think it is for people that are greedy or selfish. Sorry just my oppinion. Don't mean to offend anyone.

[warpedbored]

I think Jason said it best.

 

Believe me China Bird most of us here do or did give our wives/fianncee's money while they were/are in China. One of the most common threads to pop up here on a regular basis is how to send money to China. The problem I think is many men are cautious because there are a few women out there trying to use men. My wife worked and pretty much supported herself during the wait for a visa. I still supplimented her income to help defray costs. The last 3 months she was in China I supported her entirely so she could spend that time studying English and preparing for coming here.

[ameriken]

On 001 forum, a Chinese woman said she has never asked for money from her American husband,and her husband has never sent her a penny,even when her husband visisted her in China she paid everything for her husband, when she needed to buy something,her husband always said she didn't need anything.And now she has financial problem, she told her husband about it,her husband refused to talk about it and refused to give money, her husband always says I love you to her,but now she is confused: where is the love?

 

Earlier I read a post here on candle for love.It was about a husband getting really upset by his wife asking for more money. Because she sometimes gets together with sisters from 001 and they compare how much money they get from their husband. And she said her husband gave her only 150USD each month and other wives got more. This wife asking for more money is not surprising for me, what surprised me is so many American husbands here said they saw a big red flag and even accused his wife of asking for money,and asked this guy to be careful with his wife, and said his wife only cared about money and some even said :dump her.

 

God!!For me,a wife asking for money from a husband is normal,there is nothing wrong with it,I DIDNOT see a red flag. It is not good to compare your husband with others' ,your husband should always be the best for you. BUT,what is wrong for a husband to support the wife financially especially when the wife doesn't work?? It's not your responsibility to support a woman financially if you are not married with her,but once you are married with her,she is your wife and your responsibility for a lifetime.

 

I am surprised so many American husbands think the same way about money. I know some of you guys here send money to your wife each month. From you guys' replies to the complaining husband,it seems to me you guys think a wife should not ask for money from a husband, a husband should not take care of the wife financially? Did I get you wrong? Maybe there is cultural difference in it? We hear in USA,even husband and wife go dutch,is it true? Because in USA,everybody has to be independent. In China it is not acceptable that husband and wife go dutch.

 

My husband is American too,but he is more Chinese than Chinese. He always says it is his responsibility to take care of me, he doesn't allow me to work,he says he will take good care of me forever,and he says I should not worry about life, he wants me to enjoy life,no matter what I need to buy, he will buy for me even it is expensive. He wants me to depend my whole life on him, and he devotes his whole life to me.To be honest,he gives me at least 500USD every month, and when I need to buy something expensive, he will even give more. He always gives me money without me asking.

 

I didn't see anything wrong with a wife asking for money. You guys think if a wife asks for money then she is not a good wife. I think husband and wife should share everything in life, your money is not your wife's money?? the money you work hard for is not for giving a good life to your wife? My husband says I am the reason for him to work hard. A husband and wife should share all the ups and downs ,all the good things and bad things.I am sure when you are in trouble,your wife is the first to reach out her hand for you. When you have financial problem, your wife will give her money to help you without hesitation. You take care of your wife,your wife takes care of you,it is mutual.

 

As for the complaining wife on 001,How can a husband allow his wife to pay for him all the time when he come visit? Did he marry a woman to support him financially?And when his wife is in trouble he doesn't want to support her? Where is the love? Love is not only saying I love you everyday, LOVE is action.

171915[/snapback]

ABSOLUTELY ! If he cannot pay for his wife, why is she his wife? Trust should be 100%, and if he cannot send his own wife money to support her, then why did he marry her ? This guy is a weenie.

If her husband was on this site, one day, there could be a post about a divorce in this situation. Then everyone will be reading about his woes, and what happened to his wife, why did she change etc etc etc.

Yes, I help my SO, and we are not even married yet. My first trip to China, she spent her entire check on me, then had a difficult time to taking it when I gave it back to her. I told her I was so happy she did this. She also said, 'is not much money that she spent'. I told her, it was.....because it was everything she had. I trust her completely. If this man did not trust her with his money, he should not have married her. Period.

[skibum]

I thought the couple in the other thread were not married, but I could be wrong. I feel a man is obligated to support his wife where ever she is,but if she is working in China and has been supporting herself, why would she need more money?

Sounds like something they should have decided together a long time age.