American wife vs Chinese Husband

[bearbear]

I guess most members in this forum are American husbands. After reading the topic started by Leefisher about the adjustment we have to make for our international marriage, I've thought alot for my husband. Most of you have a Chinese wife. I guess it's easier for a woman to adopt to a new culture/environment/lifestyle than a man does.

 

My husband is a businessman with technical skills on IT and medical. He owns a company. He has a wealthy family background. He quitted college and started a business. He's willing to leave China and move to the US for me and our next generations. He speaks English, but not so well. Any suggestion on what he could do after moving to the US?

 

Am I too selfish? Why does he have to give up everything for me? Why can't I stay here for him? I've been asking myself lately.

[LeeFisher3]

With a background as a business owner he might consider the same possibility in the US, the technical skills in IT and Medical could be to his advantage.

 

Depending upon his business he might be able to form an association with a US company and run his business from the US and build his market in the US.

 

If he decides to leave his business behind he might want to consider first working for a US company to become accustomed to business operations in the US. Another possibility would be to locate a company that wishes to do business in China and provide them EXPERT services in conducting business in China, because the business culture between US and Chinese companies is extremely different and he could be an extremely valuable asset to the right company.

 

In any event he will need your help and guidance in understanding some of the business attitudes and methods here in the US.

[tonado]

If he is wealthy, he can live anywhere.

[Cerberus]

I guess most members in this forum are American husbands.  After reading the topic started by Leefisher about the adjustment we have to make for our international marriage, I've thought alot for my husband.  Most of you have a Chinese wife.  I guess it's easier for a woman to adopt to a new culture/environment/lifestyle than a man does.

 

My husband is a businessman with technical skills on IT and medical.  He owns a company.  He has a wealthy family background.  He quitted college and started a business.  He's willing to leave China and move to the US for me and our next generations.  He speaks English, but not so well.  Any suggestion on what he could do after moving to the US?

 

Am I too selfish?  Why does he have to give up everything for me?  Why can't I stay here for him?  I've been asking myself lately.

155038[/snapback]

bearbear,

 

Go to your PM box.

 

Cerberus

[ameriken]

Am I too selfish?  Why does he have to give up everything for me?  Why can't I stay here for him?  I've been asking myself lately.

155038[/snapback]

 

bearbear, regardless of his wealth and status, he is willing to give up everything to be with you, and I think this is a pure demonstration of his love for you. If you have asked him to do this, and he has said yes, then I would guess he is doing it for you, to be with you, because his love for you is greater than his love for himself.

 

Regarding seflishness, only you can judge this. Are you willing to do the same for him? Is your love for him greater than your other desires (like live in the US)? Is he more important than your country, family, lifestyle, etc, and are you willing to give up everything to be with him in China, so he does not have to make this transition? Ni xin teng ta?

 

I think the best way to keep selfishness in check is to tell him he does not have to make the move, and you are willing to stay in China with him, and really mean it in your heart and be ready: he may accept this offer!

 

However, I believe he will still choose to move to America. We all want choice and to know our spouse will do the same thing they ask us to do.

 

I had to look at my own heart.......I am asking her to sacrifice everything to be with me.....can I do the same for her? She was elated to know she was loved more than everything else I valued, when I told her that yes, if she wants, I will move to China. We agreed that she will come to the US, but within a few years we will go to China.

 

As the good book says (in my own words) "Do for others the same thing you want them to do for you". Can you?

 

Good luck to you both ! ! !

[MoonCarolCafe]

Why does he have to give up everything for me?  Why can't I stay here for him?

The question to ask is... why don't you give up everything for HIM? Look, if he is doing just fine in China, why don't you go ahead and move to China? You can marry him, settle down, become a happily married couple, perhaps even start a family.

 

Or you can take option B: Long distance relationship for at least a year, lots of money spent flying back and forth, tearful goodbyes at the airport, hassles of dealing with the consulate in GuangZhou, worries about the interview. And all for the same outcome that you can have RIGHT NOW, but in China instead of the USA.

 

On edit:

How to tell is she/he is the one-- Would you be willing to leave everything in the USA behind and start a new life in China with your fiancee? A lifetime of unfamiliar customs, rude people trying to remind you that you are an outsider, living under a different legal code and system of government, etc.? Because that is what you are asking of your fiancee.

 

I would have been willing to stay in China with my wife, came close to packing it up in the USA to permanently relocate when she started to have trouble getting the visa. And if I thought the USA did not agree with her I'd be the first to suggest we return to China.

 

Are you willing to do this for him?

Edited September 19, 2005 by MoonCarolCafe (see edit history)

[ameriken]

Why does he have to give up everything for me?  Why can't I stay here for him?

The question to ask is... why don't you give up everything for HIM? Look, if he is doing just fine in China, why don't you go ahead and move to China? You can marry him, settle down, become a happily married couple, perhaps even start a family.

 

Or you can take option B: Long distance relationship for at least a year, lots of money spent flying back and forth, tearful goodbyes at the airport, hassles of dealing with the consulate in GuangZhou, worries about the interview. And all for the same outcome that you can have RIGHT NOW, but in China instead of the USA.

 

On edit:

How to tell is she/he is the one-- Would you be willing to leave everything in the USA behind and start a new life in China with your fiancee? A lifetime of unfamiliar customs, rude people trying to remind you that you are an outsider, living under a different legal code and system of government, etc.? Because that is what you are asking of your fiancee.

 

I would have been willing to stay in China with my wife, came close to packing it up in the USA to permanently relocate when she started to have trouble getting the visa. And if I thought the USA did not agree with her I'd be the first to suggest we return to China.

 

Are you willing to do this for him?

155335[/snapback]

Moon........I like what you say, it seem both our beliefs are very similar. Marriage should be 'xi sheng', or sacrifice.

 

The question we should always ask ourself is, 'what can I do for my spouse', not 'what can my spouse do for me'.

 

When both just want things from the spouse, it just leads to disagreements. If both will sacrifice for each other, then the marriage will work.

[pkfops]

Move to SF and start a new business.

[sylinchinastill]

I think the adjustment is more difficult for men because they want to be able to provide for you and if their english isn't great it might be hard. He could probably own his own business here- but I would be flexible about it- he could come here for a while and then you guys could go back for a while. I don't think it has to be permanent.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

That's a tough one because everyone is different and has different responses to let downs and successes.

 

Indeed, if he wants to work in the US, in just about any capacity, excluding those of Chinese only speakers, then he is going to have to become VERY proficient in English. If he's smart like you say then it would be a worthwhile investment for him to hire a personal English tutor. It's important however to find someone that not only knows the mechanics of English, but how it fits into American Culture and business.

[awch]

Check yr messages.

[HanLi]

sacrafice should be shared..

 

both of you need to have candid discussions on this issue, be objective, what are the pros and cons........

 

good luck

[bearbear]

My husband asked me not to worry too much about it. We're still in the process, and it's hard to say if we can pass the interview and get the visa. He believes God will prepare everything for him if it's God's will for him to move to the US.

 

Thank you all for your kindness.

[Dan R]

A very pious man was caught in his home by the hurricane. He ignored the order to evacuate. The flood waters kept getting higher. He went to the second floor but finally sought refuge on the peak of his roof. While sitting there he said "Lord I pray regularly to you. How could you leave me like this. Shortly a boat came along and the men asked him to get in. He said save others, the Lord will not let me down. After a couple hours and the roof barely above the water a helicopter lowered a ladder to him. He refused to grab on yelling. "I trust in the Lord."

 

As the roof was covered with water the man cries out, "Lord how can you forsake such a devoted believer?" There is a rumble in the sky and he hears a voice "I ordered an evacuation which you ignored. I sent a boat to rescue you which you turned away. Finally I directed the rescue helicopter over your home. I have done everything I could for you and you say I foresook you?"

 

You will get the visa. It will suddenly happen sooner than you anticipate. No matter what happens English proficiency will be valuable to him. I recommend that he do whatever he can to gain those skills.

 

Best wishes for a wonder filled future.

[Mick]

Why does he have to give up everything for me?  Why can't I stay here for him?

The question to ask is... why don't you give up everything for HIM? Look, if he is doing just fine in China, why don't you go ahead and move to China? You can marry him, settle down, become a happily married couple, perhaps even start a family.

 

Or you can take option B: Long distance relationship for at least a year, lots of money spent flying back and forth, tearful goodbyes at the airport, hassles of dealing with the consulate in GuangZhou, worries about the interview. And all for the same outcome that you can have RIGHT NOW, but in China instead of the USA.

 

On edit:

How to tell is she/he is the one-- Would you be willing to leave everything in the USA behind and start a new life in China with your fiancee? A lifetime of unfamiliar customs, rude people trying to remind you that you are an outsider, living under a different legal code and system of government, etc.? Because that is what you are asking of your fiancee.

 

I would have been willing to stay in China with my wife, came close to packing it up in the USA to permanently relocate when she started to have trouble getting the visa. And if I thought the USA did not agree with her I'd be the first to suggest we return to China.

 

Are you willing to do this for him?

155335[/snapback]

You, as usual, make a lot of sense Moon. The very thing you ask, I did. Li and I met over eight years ago, shortly after I went to China to teach for a short time. We fell in love and wanted to be together. However, due to family health problems, she did not want to leave China. We discussed things, I returned home, closed up shop and moved to China for, what at the time, seemed an indefinite period of time. Our love was pure and still is and I was more than willing to sacrifice what I had for us to be together.

 

After five years, we finally came to the States. Our plan is to stay here, but, if for some reason we have to return to China, we will do so. We, along with our lovely daughter Salina, are a unit and we choose to stay together, here, there or anywhere.

Edited October 6, 2005 by Mick (see edit history)