As we approach the Interview

[LeeFisher3]

Recent events have made me think more about marriage and relationship with my SO. We must realize that we have certain obstacles ahead of us and if we really think about it the biggest is the differences between men and women. We have the added feature of not having a common language and cultural background.

 

Now we could speak of motives for the relationship, but lets not. Let’s just assume that both of us desire a better life and believe that our marriage will be that better life and go from here.

 

When my SO arrives she will have some dramatic adjustment to make, because we won’t be in China anymore, we will have arrived in Kansas. Talk about culture shock, not even Toto lives here anymore. Her whole concept of the world will be upside down. This will add more to our relationship obstacles or it will be a way for us to build our relationship? It is our choice.

 

So is this the place where I should just tell her to pull herself up by her boot straps and get with the program? B) Yeah, right, that will leave a lasting impression, probably on my forehead.

 

I am reminded of a quote from the movie Phenomenon where Robert Duvall explains one of the mysteries of life: “Every woman has her chair, something she needs to put herself into, Banes. You ever figure out what Lisa's chairs were and buy 'em?” For those who haven’t seen the movie, you should, if only to gain the full context of this quote.

 

So what advice would those who have been there be willing to pass on to those of us who are about to embark on this journey?

[jim_julian]

As I said in another post ...

 

1. Remind each other frequently that each one of you views everything in the world through different filters rooted in your cultural background. Some vestige of this will always remain.

 

2. Tell each other everything. Some might disagree, but anything else is a less desireable compromise. Hand in hand must come the realization that you do tell each other everything and the responsibility of both parties must include not over reacting. This is not easy but I believe it makes a solid foundation.

 

3. Never go to bed angry. Talk things out. There will be things you disagree on. Accept that there is disagreement, perhaps because of your cultural filters, but don't let this disagreement effect the core of your relationship. Both people must bend and respect each other's point of view.

 

And now that I post this I see you are seeking the views of people who have been there. Perhaps I haven't exactly been there but I think I'll let this one ride anyway.

Edited September 11, 2005 by jim_julian (see edit history)

[sylinchinastill]

One thing I have really had to explain in my relationship is that as my husband has certain values and quirks because of his background- I also have certain values and quirks because of mine. Sometimes that gets lost now that we are in the states. We have very different ideas on a number of things- like money is not important to me and it is to him. Sometimes it is difficult to explain that just because I feel differently- that is still valid. We have been together four years and married for a year. We lived together in China for two and a half years before we came here- and we still find things that we think differently about every day. That is just part of it. That is something you have to accept and deal with when she comes here. It is not going to be utopia all the time- and it wouldn't be if you both came from similar backgrounds either. My husband and I are pretty similar in a lot of ways. We both went to college and our families were middle class. Both of our fathers work for the government and have private businesses on the side. Both of our parents are divorced and we have step-monsters to contend with. But there is so much that is different as well.

[warpedbored]

Don's perceptions are pretty much right on track. I especially liked how he pointed out that it isn't just the Chinese half of the relationship that has major adjustments to make. Bing and I have been marriied 15 months now and we are still making continuous adjustments to one another. Granted the adustments are less radical now and much more comfortable. For us I wouldn't say the ride has been particulary bumpy but there have been a few potholes. Usually in areas of cultural differences.

[philb]

My fiance has been attending english classes faithfully in Nanning; while our application languishes at NVC. A fellow student of my SO has become a good friend as she will interview this month and plans on arriving shortly thereafter. Just so happens that her fiance lives close by in Southern California.

 

I am hoping that we can share with this other couple and possibly anticipate some of the bumps and pitfalls as they adjust to two worlds coming together. Possibly, CFL could take a look at an informal mentoring program(not just a one time get together)....meeting with couples that have preceded them/ having a friend to share feelings with. Living in similar areas of the country, such as Kansas (Dorothy), and sharing some of the roller coaster ride with a mentor may be beneficial. As the honeymoon stretches out, maybe just knowing that others have been through the same plateaus and feelings ( isolation, depression, homesickness) may help. I plan to do this with Eric and Lucy - maintaining a friendship and strengthening our future marriage.

 

Phil

[izus]

In a nutshell, expect the first month or two to be like a honeymoon. Then, homesickness will set in. Expect her to find fault with everything and hope she doesn't. The first year will pretty much make or break it and there will likely be a lot of ups and downs. If she has been married before, it will probably be a bit easier.

 

Most of the guys here are so worried about their SO's adjustment. Don't think that you'll continue life as you know it; you're in for a drastic adjustment as well. The relationship generally has three strikes from the start: Mars/Venus, communication from lack of being fluent in a common language, and culture differences. These can be overcome if there is enough mutual comittment to make it work.

 

Every couple will find their own road as no two are the same. My best advise is to be open minded (but don't let your brains fall out), considerate, caring and loving. Remember that what she says is probably not what she means. Her statement that she wants a divorce *may* only mean she wants you to stop wearing your shoes in the house. Don't over react when she says something unexpected - take the time and effort to get at her meaning. Be willing to work with her to build a strong foundation; one that will last.

 

Xiahong and I will be married two years this month. The first year was pretty much hell for both of us. Now, we act like newlyweds. The difference? We refused to lose and both gave in on important things to the other. Our sacrifices brought us closer.

153186[/snapback]

very wise words Don i copied and sent it to Chun

i figure if she knows where the speed bumps might occur as i do maybe we'll take that area slower and give more patience...

 

great thread

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Anyone that minimizes the challenge of starting a new life in a foreign country is a fool. With that being said there is but one barometer for knowing whether your partnership is up to the challenge.

 

YOUR OWN!

 

With age, most barometers operate with less confusion. I still often like to confuse myself into thinking something that ain't working out so good will be just fine.

 

That method never worked. I don't expect it ever will......

 

good luck

[Tom]

Hi Lee,

 

One thing that helped my wife with the adjustment was my enabling and encouraging her to become surrounded with all those little things from her culture that give her a kind of comfort factor.

 

As an example, I knew that while she was still in China, she liked watching these sort of mini-series shows on CCTV. I knew that was something she would miss, so I hooked her up with 17 channels of Chinese satellite television she can watch here. She thinks it's great, and catches up with the news in China and those mini-series shows every evening.

 

Another example is food. This is probably one of the biggest things my wife misses about China. As we all know, the food in the Chinese restaurants here isn't really even close to what it is in China. My wife prefers her own cooking to the food in the Chinese restaurants. To do this, she'll need to stock up on everything she needs to do cooking just like she did back home. We end up going to the Chinese market at least once a week or more.

 

Another thing that has helped my wife out with the transition is developing friendships with many of the Chinese people in the area. She really enjoys being able to talk with people in Chinese whenever she can. We've got a circle of about 30 friends from China that we visit or talk with on an almost daily basis. She also calls home to talk with family or friends back in China a few times a week.

 

It's important to be cognizant of your wife's culture. She'll be delighted that you know about and recognize such things as Chinese holidays, traditions, history, etc. Beyond that, what would make her very happy is for you to learn her language (or, as in my case, at least show effort in trying to learn the language).

 

One thing that always helps me to try to understand what she's going through is for me to imagine what it would be like for me if I were to have been the one to leave home. Although I didn't live in China as long as some of you, I have been there long enough at times to have 'settled in' and feel as if I had indeed moved there. Although the Chinese food was great, I couldn't help but to wish for a pizza or taco at times (we were living in an area where such foods were just not available). And although the Chinese television was 'ok', I missed some of my favorite shows I used to watch. I know these type of things are small in the greater context of what was going on, but it's the accumulation of these small things that give us our comfort level, and ultimately get us over the bigger hurtles of culture shock.

 

Don't expect her to become 'Americanized', and don't expect her to remain 'Chinese'. She'll adjust in her own way, at her own pace. The adjustment can't be rushed, and it can't be held back. For her to be comfortable in the process, she has to do it her own way. The most you can do is to be understanding and try to be as helpful as possible to her during the adjustment process.

 

Best Wishes, Tom

[The Jeff]

In the 5 years that I've lived in China (3 with my wife) I've come to realize that it's much easier to receive western comforts in China than it would be to recieve Chinese comforts in the US. For example, I can watch American movies and tv anytime I want. DVDs are cheap enough, and internet makes it even easier. There are other western peoples that are fairly easy to get in contact with. Even in small towns, there are usually a few foreigners that you can have a beer with and watch NBA at the sports bar. If you want, you can even have your western magazines and newspapers sent to your chinese address.

 

But in the US, Chinese communities are pretty much restricted to the larger cities.

 

My recomandation: Give your SO's family in China a super computer. Ones with broadband and enough speed to support fluid web cam connections. They're not that expensive, either. You can get a computer made with all the bells and whistles in china for about 300USD, all new parts. The same computer would be over 2000USD in the US. This way your SO can keep in touch easily with family back in China...not to meantion saving on the phone bill!

 

If your SO has a favorite magazine or newspaper, get a subscription.

 

Anyway, that's all I could think of right now. I know that my first 2 years in China, care packages from my family are what kept me alive.

[rogerluli]

A lot of great thoughts, especially from Don and Tom who have walked the walk longer than most. Our bumps in the road were really all my fault in not being sensitive enough to what Luli needed from me. Since I have been better trained now we are happier and happier every day. What Luli says is that if we have love then there are no other real problems.

[LeeFisher3]

I want to thank everyone who has passed on their advice and I hope there will be more who would add their thoughts. Hopefully, I can avoid too many stupid husband mistakes and this will help to ease our path.

 

A few weeks ago a Chinese lady I have known at one of our clients offered to help us get settled and we will be having lunch with her shortly after we return to the US. I had mentioned that I desired for us to have a traditional Chinese wedding banquet and she has suggested a place for us to have lunch so my SO can check it out. I hope they are able to begin a good friendship.

 

While our wedding plans are not complete we hope to have a Chinese minister perform the ceremony in English and Chinese, if that fails we will have a translator for the entire ceremony. We also plan to have a video made of our wedding so we can share this with all of our family.

 

Recently I suggested she purchase a number of books she has a desire to read to bring to the US until we can locate a bookstore. I tried to join the local Chinese association the other day, but they are out of membership cards and suggested come back next week.

 

The Great Wall Package is great, I now get to check out the weather and news on CCTV9 and know she will be able to relax and watch TV without having to struggle with English. I feel that trying to immerse herself in English too fast would make it more of a burden.

 

I hope others will continue to add to this thread and supply their thoughts to help others as they begin their journey together.

[HanLi]

Lee, when we stop making stupid husband mistakes, we'll be granted sainthood in Triggs church.... I can sense the nervousness of everyone.... guess we are all on the same wavelength...

 

A great post thread......

 

Good luck to all!~~

[sylinchinastill]

I completely agree with Barey's post. When I first went to China I didn't know my husband or anyone. I had to find everything and learn where there was American food- where I could buy cheese- where I could get dvds- where I could get a cable box with Hong Kong tv- where I could teach- etc. Then I moved to Shanghai and my husband moved about a month later and I had to do the same process again. When Hengli and I moved to the states we had to find out where there was a Chinese store and where there was a Chinese restaurant and etc. But one major thing you can do before she gets here is find out that stuff for her. Then she will know that you have really tried to take care of her and make her feel at home. And I am all for the Chinese satellite channels. We only have CCTV 9 now and I know that more would make him happier.

[kaigaorui]

After conducting many years of research in the field, the largest cultural difference is that we are men, and they are women. There may be flavor variations but the roots are the same.

 

I will continue to do stupid husband mistakes because I am a guy and not all of my acts of intent will be seen in the same light. I have already tried to impress the fact that what ever I do, and however it is percieved will never be done out of malice or ill will. Only defense I can gave.

 

I think the biggest shock I will have is being married again and focusing on life and goals as a partnership, instead of a sole proprietorship.

 

One thing is for sure, that we have a good way to talk through issues, and differences. I have never felt so connected and understood and loved in all My life. As I say, its ok to have differences. That is the beauty of diversity, and it does bring a certain strength to the relational fabric. But it becomes more of how to make decisions as a collective whole, based on the different perspectives, not who is right and who is wrong. Clearly this was a needed insight for my first marriage.

 

Good thread.

[ndjarrett]

I agree...give her parents a new PC and make sure they know how to use it. Even with a high speed internet things can be flaky. The best thing Yaya has found to do is use MSN for webcam and Skype for voice (Yahoo sucks, AOL is/was non-exsitent, and MSN always disconnects). She usually chats for hours every Sat night.

 

I also have a fairly cheap LD carrier. So she calls family and friends a few times a week.

 

Satellite is great! She loves it. It is worth the extra cost. Also, try turning on ClosedCaptioning on your TV. Yaya will watch TV with me sometimes if I have it turned on so she can read and understand the English better (of course...my downstairs TV pops the stuff up in the middle of the screen half the time...UGH...good excuse to buy a new one).

 

Getting her introduced and accepted by family/friends is important. Yaya was, initially, very nervous that my family and friends would accept her. But we got home in time for Xmas last year...so the first week was spent in MS visiing my mother & brother. I thinked this helped lesson her home sickness a lot. She has had little bouts here and there...but nothing very bad.

 

Get her involved in something...don't just let her sit around the house every day. Yaya got a job at one of our local Chinese restaurants (the owner lady here is pretty nice) which kept her busy and helped her get comfortable speaking English with so many different people. She took the free ESL course at the community college. Now, she is finally studying for taking her nursing tests (someday). But, I also found she likes bowling (which I enjoy very much). So, we bowl together SUN nights and she bowls MON nights (and I bowl FRI nights and my son bowls SAT morns...jeesh...we live there).

 

Of course the important thing, as always, is to talk. More so with this relationship than ay other you may have been in. You really have to listen...and to understand (which can sometimes be a chalenege for both of us) what each other is saying. Try NOT to show your impatience. Unfortunately...I am NOT always the most patient person. Like others said...talk about everything...whether you want to or not. Even if there is nothing you can do about something...just talking and knowing helps.