Got K1, got married, now might have to start over

[skibum]

Why not get the marriage annulled and the let her go back and see what can be done about Dad. If she cannot fix the problem - and I don't she how she can as going back is giving in to him - you will be free to do what you want.

 

I could not live with someone who is a liar. But that is your choice.

Edited August 17, 2005 by skibum (see edit history)

[lele]

Wow. A tough situation.

 

I will offer two sets of advice, this first one is strictly legal in terms of the Immigration issues:

 

1. You can file i-130 right now, and file as a k-3 status. That will allow her a multiple entry visa for the next 2 years, if you also file a form withdrawing the current i-485. This is possible.

 

2. You could show proof that her father is ill (it sounds like this may be the case) as a reason to issue an emergency AP document, but the proof would have to be extremely convincing, and without it, she may forever be deined a LPR status.

 

3. You can withdraw your case, and move with her back to China

 

4. If she has a PhD or a MS degree, you could try to change her status, as quickly as possible, to H1B. This multiple entry visa would allow her to come and go easily for at least the forseeable future. This could also work if she has an excellent skill, but since all of those slots are used up for the year, you would have to wait too long.

[lele]

Now, for the cultural/emotional solution.

 

You must ask her how much she loves you. Ask her if she is willing for you to loose your job and for you to live in China with her.

 

Then, if she answers yes, she wants you, then you go and fly to China, without her to talk to her dad.

 

If she says yes, and you think that you want her to come with you to China, or your Chinese is not good enough to talk to her dad in person, then she must come with you.

 

However, this will require huge trust in both parts.

 

He must be directly talked to, in person, and it MUST BE BY YOU. If your wife is with you, it may help convince him.

 

However, since it seems to be his dad, I would work on talking to the mother first.

 

And any siblings that the dad has.

 

Under the culture, if your wife's dad's parents are convinced (or if they are deceased, then your wife's dad's siblings), then he MUST also be convinced. Although with the siblings thing, you will need a very large majority of them convinced.

 

If it comes to either of these cases, then she will HAVE TO GO WITH YOU.

 

I think that if you try this, you will win. But, you will likely need to stay in china for at least 6 months to a year to accomplish this.

 

I would try to apply ASAP in your case for either a Z-visa (find a good job) or a D-visa (residence).

 

Then, if you want to come back to the US in the future (minimum 1-2 years) you can always file i-130 DCF.

 

Good Luck.

 

Tell us how it goes...

[Tom]

I would not underestimate the strong cultural guilt that some asian women feel towards fulfilling their parents [last] wishes...

147490[/snapback]

He must be directly talked to, in person, and it MUST BE BY YOU. 

147548[/snapback]

Excellent advice David, Lele. One thing I want to caution against the possibility of giving your wife an ultimatum. One thing you'll NEVER want to do is ask your wife to choose unilaterally between you and her father (i.e. giving up ties to her father/family).

 

If she's anything like my wife, her ties with her family are substantial, and she simply could not, in effect, abandon her family.

 

It doesn't at all lessen your importance to her. It only shows how important, also, her family is to her. The fact that she's here with you now shows how important you are...but don't let the situation become such that something else very important to her (her father/family) is abandoned.

 

Don't give up on her, just as her father isn't giving her up, and just as she isn't giving up on both of you....this has got to be worked out through comprimise.

 

Although, if I were in your situation, I think the best thing to do would be for both of you to live near her family in China for a while, I can understand how a new couple starting out may percieve this as a daunting task. But given the alternatives, this may be the best course in the long run.

 

Again, good luck.

[HanLi]

if you truly love each other, want a lifetime together, and want to earn the fathers blessing, it is probably best for her to return in the two week window. The cultural ties are alien to most of us, but do not seem taken lightly by her, so you have to consider her position..... it is a difficult spot to be in....

 

Start the process for the I-130, most likely it will be a year, but not likely two. There are a few short cuts with the copying of the barcodes, etc.... you can shave a couple of months off most likely.... get the DS-230 signed before she leaves, along with filling out the other forms that need her chinese signature and name written in Chinese. She will have time to convince him of your qualities and future consideration.

 

Best wishes

[umgoblue]

Wow.  A tough situation.

 

I will offer two sets of advice, this first one is strictly legal in terms of the Immigration issues:

 

1. You can file i-130 right now, and file as a k-3 status.  That will allow her a multiple entry visa for the next 2 years, if you also file a form withdrawing the current i-485.  This is possible.

 

2. You could show proof that her father is ill (it sounds like this may be the case) as a reason to issue an emergency AP document, but the proof would have to be extremely convincing, and without it, she may forever be deined a LPR status.

 

3. You can withdraw your case, and move with her back to China

 

4. If she has a PhD or a MS degree, you could try to change her status, as quickly as possible, to H1B.  This multiple entry visa would allow her to come and go easily for at least the forseeable future.  This could also work if she has an excellent skill, but since all of those slots are used up for the year, you would have to wait too long.

147546[/snapback]

I'm not sure I understand option #1. If we were to file for the k-3 visa, and she were to leave in a few weeks, can she return while the k-3 is pending? I thought in that case its just like the k-1, she can't come into the US until its officially approved. And how long is the current best guess of time to get the i-130?

 

And to jump ahead to your second email, the part about talking to her dad...unfortunately she would definately have to be there to translate everything. We can only say hi/bye to each other currently and no way I could pull off a miracle to learn mandarin that quickly. And I am a pretty traditional guy, have suggested I have this serious talk with her dad on both of my last 2 trips to China but she said no way, it won't accomplish anything, best to just spend some time together with them and let her do the serious work. Her mom is actually neutral, of course doesn't want to lose her daughter and worries how well we could know each other and get along with all the culture difference, but in the end she says its her life her decision and she will support her. Her mom knows she is in the US now visiting me. All the relatives know, its only her dad that doesn't, and the secret works only because everyone is afraid to let him know.

 

I really wish I could just convince her now to stay and continue the lie for the next few months until all our paperwork is approved and she can then go back without all the legal issues...we have enough to worry about with immigration, family and not to forget but our own relationship with each other which is somewhat lost in all the other trouble.

 

And here I thought the last 2 years we could easily get thru this if patient...I flipped pages on the calendar for months waiting for that day we got the k1 visa...now it all seems so small!

 

Thanks everyone for the advice!

[Randy W]

If she leaves, she will need a visa to get back. That would most likely be the K-3, since you are married. Yes, that process would be like the K-1 all over again.

[lele]

Wow.  A tough situation.

 

I will offer two sets of advice, this first one is strictly legal in terms of the Immigration issues:

 

1. You can file i-130 right now, and file as a k-3 status.  That will allow her a multiple entry visa for the next 2 years, if you also file a form withdrawing the current i-485.  This is possible.

 

2. You could show proof that her father is ill (it sounds like this may be the case) as a reason to issue an emergency AP document, but the proof would have to be extremely convincing, and without it, she may forever be deined a LPR status.

 

3. You can withdraw your case, and move with her back to China

 

4. If she has a PhD or a MS degree, you could try to change her status, as quickly as possible, to H1B.  This multiple entry visa would allow her to come and go easily for at least the forseeable future.  This could also work if she has an excellent skill, but since all of those slots are used up for the year, you would have to wait too long.

147546[/snapback]

I'm not sure I understand option #1. If we were to file for the k-3 visa, and she were to leave in a few weeks, can she return while the k-3 is pending? I thought in that case its just like the k-1, she can't come into the US until its officially approved. And how long is the current best guess of time to get the i-130?

 

And to jump ahead to your second email, the part about talking to her dad...unfortunately she would definately have to be there to translate everything. We can only say hi/bye to each other currently and no way I could pull off a miracle to learn mandarin that quickly. And I am a pretty traditional guy, have suggested I have this serious talk with her dad on both of my last 2 trips to China but she said no way, it won't accomplish anything, best to just spend some time together with them and let her do the serious work. Her mom is actually neutral, of course doesn't want to lose her daughter and worries how well we could know each other and get along with all the culture difference, but in the end she says its her life her decision and she will support her. Her mom knows she is in the US now visiting me. All the relatives know, its only her dad that doesn't, and the secret works only because everyone is afraid to let him know.

 

I really wish I could just convince her now to stay and continue the lie for the next few months until all our paperwork is approved and she can then go back without all the legal issues...we have enough to worry about with immigration, family and not to forget but our own relationship with each other which is somewhat lost in all the other trouble.

 

And here I thought the last 2 years we could easily get thru this if patient...I flipped pages on the calendar for months waiting for that day we got the k1 visa...now it all seems so small!

 

Thanks everyone for the advice!

147574[/snapback]

Well, if the rest of the family knows (on the Dad's side), I think that it is time to have a family-pow-wow.

 

I know that learning Chinese is not easy, or fast, but it IS the fastest way to resolve this.

 

I was thinking that if she could go back to somewhere neutral, that it could help things along.

 

Could she quickly apply for a work permit (based on a Job) somewhere closer to home, which her parents could consider a compromise, and which processes cases far faster, such as Macau or Hong Kong (both of which are still Chinese)?

 

If this is not the case, then it is a tough case and you need to make decisions.

 

I think that telling him the truth will only help in the near future, otherwise this ambiguity will keep going on and on.

 

Does he feel or know if you have properly dinhun (IE: given her family enough money to cover the cost of a house for her...in most places in China 25,000-30,000$US will be much more than enough)? This could help.

 

Again, I think that the best way to clear everything up is for you to go. maybe you could go quickly and use that as a means of having her continue to wait on the paper work. It would be a bold move...

 

If not, then maybe going together.

 

I know that my wife and I resent so strongly the 9.5 months that we had to wait apart...and we have both decided that if we must again, businesses/schools be thrown out the window, we will never go that route again...it is just not worth it.

 

There are always opportunities to be had.

 

And with the Chinese RMB every day appreciating against the $US, you may make more money quickly sending it to China than leaving it in the US, even at a higher income base....

 

Good luck!!!

[Mick]

Sorry to hear about the issues with your wife's father.

 

In the early days of our relationship, we had similar issues with Li's mother. She threatened several times to do drastic things, but in the end, never did. Over time, she mellowed and now is completely supportive of our marriage. It was not always so, however.

 

We remained commited to one another and, in time, she came around. This is not to say that your father-in-law will follow a similar course, but, it remains possible I think.

 

I wouldn't recommend that she leave the country without AP. It will create many, many problems and make your process much longer.

[frank1538]

Wow.  A tough situation.

 

I will offer two sets of advice, this first one is strictly legal in terms of the Immigration issues:

 

1. You can file i-130 right now, and file as a k-3 status.  That will allow her a multiple entry visa for the next 2 years, if you also file a form withdrawing the current i-485.  This is possible.

 

2. You could show proof that her father is ill (it sounds like this may be the case) as a reason to issue an emergency AP document, but the proof would have to be extremely convincing, and without it, she may forever be deined a LPR status.

 

3. You can withdraw your case, and move with her back to China

 

4. If she has a PhD or a MS degree, you could try to change her status, as quickly as possible, to H1B.  This multiple entry visa would allow her to come and go easily for at least the forseeable future.  This could also work if she has an excellent skill, but since all of those slots are used up for the year, you would have to wait too long.

147546[/snapback]

I am not sure it's possible to change one's K-1 status to another non immigrant status while in the US. This might rule out a switch to a student/work/K-3 while your wife is still in the US.

 

It might be possible to start the K-3 process while she is here, but remember that a K-3 is only available for spouses residing outside the US, and I would be very reluctant to file the I-130/K-3 while your wife is still in the US.

 

It is risky, but it would be possible to leave the US prior to having the AOS completed or before advance parole is obtained - risky in that there might be no way to return to the US legally without having obtained another visa. If you leave the US without advance parole, you would be viewed as an abandoning the AOS, and your only option is getting another visa. Further, if you leave the US after the advance parole is filed but before it is approved, you are deemed to have abandoned the application for AP as well.

 

There may be other options out there that would allow your wife to leave the US before she obtains AP or before her status is adjusted, but I'm not seeing them right now.

[shyaushu]

I know you were asking for advice here, both regarding the technical visa issues as well as regards her father (or parents -- isn't her mother involved as well?).

 

The visa issues are above my pay grade, but the interpersonal ones are really above anyone's. I hear of so many situations in China where people kill themselves over interpersonal problems. It has happened in my own family, in fact.

 

So this is a matter that is not to be taken lightly by anyone.

 

The only advice you can follow is your own conscience. You are the one who is ultimately responsible for any decision you make. Honesty is almost always the best path, except when it will demonstrably result in unnecessary pain (like not telling someone they are terminally ill to avoid their killing themselves, for example).

 

Yours is a truly tragic situation made worse by your clearly stated love for your wife (and hers for you, I presume).

 

Perhaps the both of you telling your father-in-law the situation in full, and then working on a solution TOGETHER with him (eg., your living in China for a while; your wife living here for a while, all while your visa thing gets worked out) may work. But the visa implications seem dwarfed by the potential for human tragedy.

 

People from all cultures generally feel more comfortable (and are less likely to embark on radical behavior) if they are stake-holders in the outcome. Empowering everyone involved in the process may prevent even further tragedy and also promote a better outcome.

[skibum]

Why did you get married knowing the situation with Dad?

[david_dawei]

People from all cultures generally feel more comfortable (and are less likely to embark on radical behavior) if they are stake-holders in the outcome.  Empowering everyone involved in the process may prevent even further tragedy and also promote a better outcome.

147827[/snapback]

nice comments. I am a big believe in the 'stake-holder' idea and it can extend to many situations. I know that this one presents a more complex solution using this. But would encourage that the father be told the truth and if possible, you be a part of that dicussion.

 

I don't care to interrogate you as to why you did this or that. You seem to realize that you are dealing with a present issue and have a future to figure out.

 

Let's not kick a man who is down. A difficult Post like this means he saw red flags.. otherwise there is no need to have brought it up and asked for advice...

[ptcrusier333rph]

If her mother knows TALK to the mother on what to do, explain to her you need a few more weeks to get AP

 

you be surprise how resourceful she is, she have to live with the man I'm sure she know how to work around him.

 

Talk to the MOTHER

 

have daughter explain how long you need

 

Robert

[frank1538]

Building on lies is like building a house of cards. If it collapses, everything collapses. Having said that:

 

Dear Dad,

 

I have some wonderful news, but I need your advice on what to do. Do you remember that nice man [umgoblue] who visited us? Well, he has asked his government for permission for me to come to the United States. Guess what. The United States told him it has given me permission, but I would have to come to America very soon. Imagine that. [umgoblue] must be a powerful man to be able to accomplish this.

 

I have already talked to my boss about this, and he thinks this is a fantastic opportunity for me – to be able to go to America where I might earn a lot of money. I owe this all to you dad since you were the one who helped me all these years.

 

So, this is what I would like to do. I would leave now and go to America and see if I like it. If I don’t, I will return home to you. But, if I like America, I would want to stay to see if I could earn a lot of money and help you like you helped me for all those years. [umgoblue] tells me that it would take about three months after I arrive in America for the government to issue travel papers for me, so I can return to China. So, whether I like America or not, I will be home in about three months to see you.

 

I am so excited about this. You have raised a good daughter, and I owe this chance of a lifetime to you. It will be hard being away from you for the next three months, but I know you raised a strong daughter, and I will make you proud of me.

 

Tell mom your plans and get her buy in, but if the old man says "no", everything collapses.