Who is the boss/leader in your marriage?

[hakkawife]

My husband is the boss/leader in our marriage,I don't have a problem with this,sometimes I think it is good to be led,that means my husband is strong.But even on very little thing like where to eat,what to eat he loves to lead.I know he feels good and feel important when he leads.I would feel important and loved too if I could lead sometimes.Do all men love to lead?Is it man's ego?I am curious. Does man's ego have to be satisfied?

[rogerluli]

I think it is important for a husband to feel that he is in charge of the most important decisions in a marriage. But it is equally important for the wife to make her share of decisions in her realm of the home. Really everything should be discussed by both so that neither feels left out of the decision making process. There is no one in the world more important to me than my wife so when I make a decision it is based on what will make her happy as well as what I feel is best for us. If both spouses have this attitude how can you go wrong?

[sylinchinastill]

We make decisions together- I would kick his ass otherwise. Sometimes my husband thinks he can make decisions better- then he makes it and messes up- then I say "I told you so a lot." In this way- eventually he will just realize that I make better decisions. I'm kidding- well- about half kidding. If you want to make some decisions then you should tell your husband that. You guys should make them together- especially about big things. You guys should take turns on things about where to eat and stuff. Some things I don't care about and I let my husband make those decisions. That way he can think that he is in charge. You have to trick your husband. Some Chinese women are good at that. My step-mother is the queen of that. Make him think it is his idea. Stuff like that.

[rogerluli]

We make decisions together- I would kick his ass otherwise. Sometimes my husband thinks he can make decisions better- then he makes it and messes up- then I say "I told you so a lot." In this way- eventually he will just realize that I make better decisions. I'm kidding- well- about half kidding. If you want to make some decisions then you should tell your husband that. You guys should make them together- especially about big things. You guys should take turns on things about where to eat and stuff. Some things I don't care about and I let my husband make those decisions. That way he can think that he is in charge. You have to trick your husband. Some Chinese women are good at that. My step-mother is the queen of that. Make him think it is his idea. Stuff like that.

138084[/snapback]

 

 

Hmmmmm...You seem to be suggesting that women 'trick' their husbands into thinking that he is making the decisions when in reality she is making all the decisions... How can this be? My wife told me that I had her permission to make all the decisions and to be IN CHARGE...You think she was just 'kidding' me... Well this is sure news to every married man...

[david_dawei]

I understand the leader/leading thing.. but try not to think of it so much. I'm more a 'whoever is moved/whoever has the better decision/whoever feels stronger' at the moment can have the decision.

 

I know that somethings are often needed to be decided by one or the other prior.. When I am in China, I rarely lead anything ! And I was happy to relinquish any of that.. but my SO went out of her want to make me involved, ask me, and follow me at times..

 

When we are here, I expect the opposite will happen till she is more comfortable... but she will often say to me, "I listen you"... Then I know she is saying , just make the decision.

 

I personally don't see 'satisfaction' and 'leading' as tied together for me... my 'satisfaction' levels are pretty low and easy to reach... and leading isn't necessary for reaching it.

 

As for ego.. this is a good and difficult question.. of course western and eastern philosophy teach diameterically opposed ideas. Freud taught the ego is a balancing mechanism between our primitive side (Id) and moral side (superego)... Some ancient eastern ones teach a true and false self (ego), with the pure consciousness in-between... although both suggest ego carries our notion of who we are. I tend towards the eastern thought that our ego keeps us separated from the real thing.

 

It's interesting to note that "I" dominates western world, and is not as necessary a distinction in eastern thought and ancient writings.

 

I think when the ego becomes wholly self (I), then it seeks to be satisfied as it's primary goal (consciously or not). When the ego is seen as keeping you from truly being satisfied (united to everything around you), then it does not need to be satisfied.

[Mick]

I need to ask Li what I should say before I respond. B)

[skibum]

We decided we don't need a leader.

[Randy W]

When in China, I like to announce "She's the boss" when faced with bi-lingual sales-people. Then I can tell by how they treat her whether she's interested or not (we are bi-lingual also, but only one each).

 

When it comes to actually making decisions, though, we make them together (although she is definitely the boss in China).

[LeeFisher3]

Some might say one of us should be the boss and to that I’ll be happy to respond that we don’t need one. There are things that are important to her and others that are important to me, but none of the things we must decide are more important than us.

 

It’s not a competition.

[se_lang]

"A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do and I'll do as she tells me to"

 

http://candleforlove.us/man.mp3

http://candleforlove.us/woman.mp3

[Yuanyang]

Well I'm the Big Boss of course.... she said I was. She is the Little Boss... because she said she was.

However...

The Big Boss never interfers with the Little Boss' work or decisions regarding little things. (I said it before folks those decisions under the Little Boss' job description account for about 99.999% of the decisions to be made in the lifetime. )

 

As for the big decisions... a wise Big Boss will always consult with the Little Boss

 

When in doubt just remember Lao Puo is always right!

[tmkeith]

I AM!!!! WITHOUT A DOUBT!!!!

 

(for the next 90 hours and 34 minutes and her plane arrives.)

[Trigg]

I am the boss!!!! I really really am!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!! Really!!

[awch]

We make decisions together- I would kick his ass otherwise. Sometimes my husband thinks he can make decisions better- then he makes it and messes up- then I say "I told you so a lot." In this way- eventually he will just realize that I make better decisions. I'm kidding- well- about half kidding. If you want to make some decisions then you should tell your husband that. You guys should make them together- especially about big things. You guys should take turns on things about where to eat and stuff. Some things I don't care about and I let my husband make those decisions. That way he can think that he is in charge. You have to trick your husband. Some Chinese women are good at that. My step-mother is the queen of that. Make him think it is his idea. Stuff like that.

138084[/snapback]

What she said. We talk over any major, and some minor, decisions together.

[warpedbored]

I think in any relationship one partner will be more dominant than the other. It is human nature. It may only be 49% 51% but it is inevitable. I suppose I am the more dominant in my family although my wife's opinions are always given and respected. Sometimes she even lets me say so.