A mistake I made

[rogerluli]

When my SO arrived here she moved into a house that was "done". I had lived in my 1910 house for 2 years and had everything pretty much decorated and finished the way "I" wanted it. Big mistake... Luli found that she could not make it "her" or "our" house and she referred to it for a time as "your" house...ouch. Luckily I have a really neat back yard that I had never done anything with and she dove in to that project and enjoyed doing exactly what she wanted to with it. Now everything is fine and it is "our house"...

 

So I would advise being thoughtful of your SO's need to make your space her space too. Give her the options, space, time, wherewithall to turn it into "our house".

[Jason+Joanna]

I bought a place in March. I have been busy doing some home improvements. However, I have gotten her input at each stage. It is important to let our loved ones know that they have an opinion and it matters to us.

 

Even are I finish the current project, there will be plenty more to do. So, although I own the place - it will have both our personalities.

[tmkeith]

Thanks for the tip. I purposely kept my new home plain, or as Wei would say "boring" for that very purpose, so that she and I can make it "our" home. I mean, I need furniture, shelves, other storage, as well as anything decorative. Now I just gotta find a way to keep a bunch of "stuff" from appearing to be a pigsty in the next 13 days. I don't want to get everything organized (including the 300+ pounds of her stuff that's already here) and have to tear it all down to build what we (er, SHE) wants.

[tywy_99]

Roger has a very good point here. It is important that your SO feels at home and it is a point very much to be considered.

I overcame it by seeing far enough ahead to avoid it. We bought a house shortly after my wife and her daughter arrived. That was my plan all along and it seems to be working. Being new to a strange country, it is important to give your SO something she can call her own. Whether it's buying a home or renting a house or apartment, being a new place to both of you puts you both on even ground.

If you can't go that way, then do everything you possibly can to make it feel like it's their's too. This is very important!

[LeeFisher3]

My SO has always cooked with gas and while she didn't want me to spend money on a new stove, I just installed the new gas stove today after running gas line the length of the house. But then I figure this is as much for me as her.

 

Other than that the house is ready for us to make it into our home, I assume my part of the job will be to do the heavy lifting and such while she supervises and designs everything else.

[nousername]

just last week i signed a purchase agreement with a builder. many people have mentioned to me the importance of making it "our" home... so that's what i've tried to do. so far the only decision i've made is about the floor plan (which she did see, though; and agreed on), but all the interior stuff i am going to wait on until she is here. then we can go to our builder's design center, and we'll (*ahem*... she'll) choose all the interior colors, styles, designs, etc...

 

i'm hoping this is a fun process... but at the same time i fear things might get tense, there are a ton of changes in both our lives (marriage, moving overseas, building a home, immigration, etc...), so i'm gonna do my best to keep the stress level as low as possible... try to take things in stride, not to worry and just accept the fact that these things are inevitable ... it's just life.

[nousername]

My SO has always cooked with gas and while she didn't want me to spend money on a new stove, I just installed the new gas stove today after running gas line the length of the house. But then I figure this is as much for me as her. 

 

Other than that the house is ready for us to make it into our home, I assume my part of the job will be to do the heavy lifting and such while she supervises and designs everything else.

134673[/snapback]

yeah, for chinese cooks gas is a must. i am going to be buying a new range too, and i am just wondering if any one knows exactly what BTU output gas burners in china is? i know here in the US it somewhat easy to find a 16K or 17K BTU burner for home ranges... is this comparable to chinese burners?

[rogerluli]

My SO has always cooked with gas and while she didn't want me to spend money on a new stove, I just installed the new gas stove today after running gas line the length of the house. But then I figure this is as much for me as her. 

 

Other than that the house is ready for us to make it into our home, I assume my part of the job will be to do the heavy lifting and such while she supervises and designs everything else.

134673[/snapback]

yeah, for chinese cooks gas is a must. i am going to be buying a new range too, and i am just wondering if any one knows exactly what BTU output gas burners in china is? i know here in the US it somewhat easy to find a 16K or 17K BTU burner for home ranges... is this comparable to chinese burners?

134678[/snapback]

I have a wimpy electric range which Luli was not happy about but she has learned to adapt to. She just leaves it on high all the time and waits until you could melt a Buick in the wok before throwing in the oil. What is really inadequate is the normal range hood. Get one that can suck a bowling ball off the floor and that should be just adequate...

[skibum]

We get by just fine with our new electric flat top range. She uses water instead of oil so we don't have all the grease covering everything. Tastes just as good.

[jim_julian]

Hmmm ... I have the opposite problem ... she keeps referring to "our" apartment in China as her apartment. Whenever I mention this she immediately says "Oh yes, right ... "our"".

 

"We" are in process of "finishing" the apartment. (I never realized you bought an apartment that was just an unfinished cement box!) I consult on this with her everyday. I gave her drawings for installing the ethernet boxes and the TV and phone outlets. We actually will have a western toilet and a bidet in our master bedroom. I talked her out of white interior doors (wood finish ... better). So I am putting my mark on the finishing.

 

I fear it won't be ours until it's done, I'm back in China, and my oversized house shoes are in the shoe cabinet.

[tmkeith]

Hmmm ... I have the opposite problem ... she keeps referring to "our" apartment in China as her apartment.  Whenever I mention this she immediately says "Oh yes, right ... "our"".

 

"We" are in process of "finishing" the apartment. (I never realized you bought an apartment that was just an unfinished cement box!)  I consult on this with her everyday.  I gave her drawings for installing the ethernet boxes and the TV and phone outlets.  We actually will have a western toilet and a bidet in our master bedroom.  I talked her out of white interior doors (wood finish ... better). So I am putting my mark on the finishing.

 

I fear it won't be ours until it's done, I'm back in China, and my oversized house shoes are in the shoe cabinet.

134697[/snapback]

Okay, I just had to look up "bidet". (forgive me, I'm from Texas) So, if you have any visitors from Texas, I just would advise you to put up a sign that it's not a "mini drinking fountain" that just happens to be next to the toilet!

[sylinchinastill]

My husband and I both moved to the US together- and we had all of our furniture made in China- we both picked it out but he really has most of the say in decorating. Somehow it has been decided that I am bad at decorating and don't understand color schemes. Which is fine with me- because I'm not a big fan of decorating anyway. So I just get to clean- which is okay too- because his version of cleaning is to throw a tablecloth over a dirty table- and then it is clean.

[RJZ+JCW]

I'm buying a house right now. I sent my SO many MLS links so she could look at all the houses in my area and price range, and she picked the same house that I had in the back of my mind as a favorite. Also, I currently live in a small 1 bed apartment, so that big house will be fairly empty when she arrives. I'm allowed to buy the necessary appliances and electronics, and we agree on interior styles but I will wait until she gets here so we can go shopping together. Like others have said, it's a most important matter of respect. It has to be her home as much as it is yours so you are both happy. Fortunately we have the same taste for most things, except cars. She prefers flashy cars and I prefer old Hondas...this is the only area we don't agree...

 

BTW, my SO has no preference for style of stove, however she does like the glass top quartz stove at the apartment in SH.

[C4Racer]

When my SO arrived here she moved into a house that was done and finished the way I wanted it. Big mistake...

So I would advise being thoughtful of your SO's need to make your space her space too. Give her the options, space, time, wherewithall to turn it into "our house".

Great post.. I thought about this a few years ago. My house is twenty plus years old. Still has the old roof, carpet and yard. It is in need of updating in a big way. I could have easily fixed it up, but then like you said she would have moved into my house. Bad enough my ex lived here at one time. Now that she is here, she has talked about us buying a different house in maybe five years. I told her it was easy to remodel this house. Now, she is looking forward to being part of the changes. It will take a few years, but she will be involved in every part of fixing it up. Looks like the first project is pergo style floor. This floor can be kept cleaner. Which to her is important for when our baby is born. She does not want our baby crawling across carpet, no matter how new. Few more project, couples of years, then it will be "our house".

[MarkD]

just last week i signed a purchase agreement with a builder.  (snip) I'm hoping this is a fun process...

A fun process? Not really. It's OK. I had my house custom built in 1999. It is interesting to do and nice to pick everything out, however, some of the deadlines to pick out your stuff arrive very quickly.

 

Some simple advice: Shop for and pick out your flooring, kitchen, colors, etc. well before the builder's deadline for each item. That will cut down on the stress and make sure what you want is in stock. Also take pictures during the construction, especially of the framed walls. You may want to run some wires later. Last, think about how you will arrange your furniture in the house, make sure the phone and TV jacks in each room will be in places you will use them instead of opposite walls.

 

Not simple advice: The builder's usually have a one year warranty. After the house is complete, they will come back after one year and fix nail pops, crooked doors, etc. If you can, hold back $1,000 or so of the final payment until after everything is fixed. Otherwise the builder doesn't have incentive to come back. I held back $1,000 and my builder still never came back for the final repairs. Fixing everything cost me much less than the $1,000 I got to keep.