american woman/chinese man

[sylinchinastill]

Wow- I didn't know they made you do that if you work for the gov't.- I'm surprised they didn't let him marry and then send him to the US as a spy. Yes- my husband went to business school in the states- and says that he studied every second he was here. I cannot study like him at all- I'm getting better about it now because I have no choice but... It's so weird- when I studied for the LSAT- which I took in Beijing oddly enough- he was very supportive- but now he just says, "work, work, work" drives me crazy.

Jenny- a driver is pretty good. I wish I had one in China- I took the subway everywhere in Shanghai which was okay- but- so overcrowded- I wish they would up the price a bit so there would be less people- my husband always took taxis everywhere- but I would prefer to take the subway because I like getting off randomly and wandering around. I don't think the subway is used as frequently in Beijing though- I stayed in Beijing for a month before I even knew they had a subway.

[LouRose]

Yeah, not every government job is that way. Our situation was pretty rare (just our luck) and it really SUCKED. He studied electrical engineering so this research institute recruited him when he was graduating from college. Then only after he started working there they told him it was some top secret place and they had all these special restrictions such as NO fraternizing with foreigners. So they wouldn't even let him work in an interesting department and just put pressure on him to leave until he did. Oh well, if all goes well, he will go to grad school in the states and get a job way better than that one anyway!

[lele]

Sadly,

There are some jobs in the US that act the same way too, only it is they will not hire you if you are married to a non-citizen. Others make it illegal to talk to non-citizens, and still others deny you a passport while you work with them and still continue to deny you one for up to 5 years after that even.

One of these people, a former co-student with me, has dropped off the map since he went to work for the DoD.

Sadly, these rules seem to be applied by all nations, large and small.

I know that Singapore does similar things too...

 

Good Luck finding a career and enjoyable things that allow you two to be together! :-)

[maiyademama]

Hi Ladies!

 

Well, my house husband arrived over the weekend. I will probably starrt a separate thread to announce his arrival, but for now I want to post here. So far things are going great (for him and Maiya). Maiya has taken to him really well and already calls him "daddy." He is better with her than I imagined he'd be. He is veiry attentive and shows her plenty of love. He sleeps in a separate room, because I just can't accept him after all the water under the bridge. We are friendly and he is trying to prove himself, but I already caught him misleading his mother over the phone....telling her that he would be starting work in a few days---He doesn't even have a work permit yet! Would it be so difficult to explain the truth to his family?

 

Reading all these posts about husbands with strong work ethics really makes me envious. In order for mine to even get the work permit, I will have to do all the work and fill out all the papers. At least he is really good at cleaning house and cooking until he can work. Being a single mom, it is truly a blessing to have another individual in the home who is not only willing to help but is eager to help with the baby and daily upkeep.

 

One question to you gals: Does your SO chew with an open mouth and smack his food? In China it was okay, but here it is just not acceptable and I have to remind him at every meal that others do not want to hear or see the food in his mouth!

 

All in all, things are well. I wish that seeing my husband would have sparked old flames....but so far nothing....I can't feel passionately for someone who has lost my respect.

 

for those of you who are not familiar with our story, you can find it in the "Our Stories" forum.

 

over and out

[sylinchinastill]

My husband is very careful about this because he went to grad school here and worked with companies that had him take foreign clients to dinners and etc. so when we are out he eats very properly. Also if we eat together he is fine- but when he eats pork bone or whatever he knaws at it- I can't watch. So gross. It drives me crazy when people eat with their mouths open. I even saw Jessica Simpson (not that I watch "The Newlyweds" or anything) eat with her mouth open on television- I know it's a reality show- but I would never eat with my mouth open- much less on t.v.- I hated it when I saw it in China and I hate it here too.

I was wondering whether he had arrived and how things have been so far. It will probably be a while before he gets his EAD so put him in the kitchen and take his shoes off (but don't try to get him pregnant- it won't work). But you will have to marry him first-

[maiyademama]

We have been married for 3.5 years in China...Do you mean I have to marry him in the US as well? No one ever told me about this before

 

When I lived with my husband in China he didn't work but a few odd acting bits in commercials or something. He got really good at washing the laundry and cooking all the meals. There is an old Chinese saying "Jia Han, Jia Han Chuan Yi Chi Fan" ---Marry a man, marry a man to get clothes and food. I changed it for my husband to say, "Jia Han, Jia Han Xi Yi Zuo Fan"---Marry a man, Marry a man to wash your clothes and cook your meals.

[sylinchinastill]

Sorry- I forgot- I thought you guys were fiances for some reason.

[awch]

Taz-

Thanks for the update- I was wondering what was going on too. Any thoughts for the future?

 

Xiao Ming also eats with his mouth open and when I'm eating with his whole family it really grosses me out. Like when they are eating shrimp and bite the head off and spit it on the table. Also his mom always talks with her mouth full.... When my mom and brother came to China I warned Xiao Ming not to do that but we couldn't do anything about his family. I've told him when we go to the US that won't be acceptable, but for now he still does it. The bad thing is, sometimes I catch myself doing it too!! OH NO!!

[LouRose]

My husband is not working these days, and though I have to admit I am thankful that he does plan to study hard and have a career, I am starting to think that having a househusband is really not so bad, for now anyways. Its always been acceptable for a woman to not work and just do housework instead, and a homemaker is even considered a valid career these days, so maybe we should think about accepting male homemakers. If he's good at taking care of the baby and doing housework, let him do that, and enjoy your not having to do it, at least for a while!

 

I am a little worried too about how the eating habits will go over with my family and friends at home. The worst for me is putting the bones and inedible parts right on the table. Its disgusting! I've been trying to train him but its not going so well.

 

*~Louisa~*

[beijingjenny]

I think I will have to be retrained just as much as Jack when it comes to leaving a mess behind on the table ... as for chewing, I haven't honestly noticed, so guess that means he doesn't do it ...

 

I wouldn't say my husband is so industrious - he wants money and isn't afraid of hard work. But he's not ambitious at all, nor ever makes plans... I too did enjoy it though when he was a househusband though I like cooking the days I'm not working. Now we eat out too much.

 

Taz - don't know your story but good on you for at least letting him come and I'm glad it's working out better than you thought with the baby. Best of luck.

[awch]

Ok, here's another question for the ladies. How over protective is your husband? (I think everyone is married here except me.. right?) Xiao Ming is SUPER over-protective, and I thought maybe it's a Chinese thing cuz I had a friend here who also married a Chinese man and she commented on it too. Xiao Ming shows it in ways like when I'm at home alone, he always remindes me not to open the door for anyone, to make sure no one's following me home or in the elevator, but it goes beyond that to him not wanting me to even go out to the supermarket or gym by myself. Part of it is he doesn't want me to get cheated if I am trying to buy something and he doesn't like people staring at me... it bothers him more than it does me I think. He also doesn't like me to wear skirts or dresses. Sometimes it's too much, but he is an incessant worrier so I try to appease him.

[Jeikun]

Sadly,

There are some jobs in the US that act the same way too, only it is they will not hire you if you are married to a non-citizen.  Others make it illegal to talk to non-citizens, and still others deny you a passport while you work with them and still continue to deny you one for up to 5 years after that even.

One of these people, a former co-student with me, has dropped off the map since he went to work for the DoD.

Sadly, these rules seem to be applied by all nations, large and small.

I know that Singapore does similar things too...

 

Good Luck finding a career and enjoyable things that allow you two to be together! :-)

Wow, that's messed up! I was in intelligence in the Air Force, attached to the NSA and AIA... TS/SCI clearance, the whole bit. They had no problems at all with me having a foreign fiancee, leaving the country, whatever. I just had to report it. All I can recall being barred from was joining the Peace Corps for 7 years after discharge (and this was both for conflict of intrest AND my own protection).

[LouRose]

How over protective is your husband?

I was going to bring up the same topic!

I would tend to agree that it seems to be a Chinese thing. Li Zhuang also reminds me many times a day to lock both the inner and outer doors to the apartment when I am home, and though he's fine about me doing stuff by myself in Beijing, he always freaks out if I suggest taking a train or anything by myself, even though I used to do it all the time before we were living together! He also likes to make sure I eat three square meals a day, and take medicine as soon as I sneeze. Actually when we first moved in together, he even freaked out when I'd go out with my friends and not come back til late. He called all the time and was literally crazy with worry. A lot of people mistake this for being possessive but I really feel like it isn't, its just super protective, because he was always clear that he wanted me to go out and do my own thing, but only if he knew exactly where I was and when I was coming home so he could be sure nothing was wrong. I think its ingrained in Chinese guys' minds that they have to take care of the people they love and that means never leaving their side. Well we finally managed to work through our issues and now he's fine with it, and I also try to be better about telling him when I might be home - classic compromise.

 

*~Louisa~*

[sylinchinastill]

My husband is like this too- when we first met- right after- I went backpacking in Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand- and he didn't have a problem with that at all. But then- after we started living together he became such a worrywart- he didn't care so much when we were in China and would let me run around because I know my way around better than he does anyway and the only thing to be scared of is theives- but here in the US he is obsessive about locking doors- I never lock them and I thought that could be his task- but he always says I should do it too so that when he isn't here I can take care of myself. He is also a big chicken- if I say something like that I want to take a train to Chicago then he will say it is dangerous, etc.- this quality I really don't like- if I'm alone I can understand- but if we are together- then be a man- learn martial arts and protect me dammit!

[Jason+Joanna]

I don't think this is just a Chinese guy thing. I can see myself in many of these same situations doing the exact same thing. I always want to make sure the doors are locked, when and where loved ones are going / when they will be back. I also hate leaving lights on that are not needed. I think this sort of things gets ingrained into you as a child. I was always taught to lock doors, turn off lights that are not needed, tell where and when I went to places / when I was returning... ect. I don't think I am being over-protective or possessive. I am just doing what I learned as child to show loved ones a way I care for them. There are many more ways too....

 

Anyway food for thought...