"Frustrations" during the Journey

[Larry & Meirong]

I would have a MAJOR problem with my wife/fiancee if she did not have time to talk with me. If I had someone like that I would cut her loose. Probably sounds harsh, but if you love someone you make time for them. If you don't, you don't find time for them. Too many other partners available to waste time on someone.

[cosmiclobster]

As for Mah Jong: I remember being about 5 or 6 and going to my grandparents house. They had a MJ set and I used to love to play with the pretty tiles. The funny thing is that my grandparents were from Roumania and Latvia! I know they loved to play when they were back in the "old country". I always wondered why they had this Chinese game. I have never seen the "game" played, (except once in a Japanese drama). I have a MJ set now but can't find anyone to play with!

[warpedbored]

Hi Dan. I have mentioned some of this to you before but I feel like it is pertinent now as well. As you know I also am originally from Nampa Idaho too. I was living there when I marriied my first wife who is from Japan. She hated Nampa. She is a big city girl from Tokyo so Nampa was just too much culture shock for her. I thought perhaps moving to Boise would help. It did but only marginally. Boise is still a fairly small city with very few minorites. Part of it was how conservative people are in Idaho. People would stare at her like she was some kind of oddity and were often rude. I am sure you know Idaho has no shortage of racists. My marriage was falling apart because she was miserable there, Finally I decided that in order to hold the marriage together I was going to have to move somewhere where there were more familiar things for her. Portland did the trick. Just be aware that Nampa may be too much for her. Be prepared to make some major adjustments in your future plans if you want to hold the marriage together.

[sylinchinastill]

I think she is probably just bored right now with the wait and uses this to pass the time. She also might think that it is harder to talk to you all the time than to not because it hurts- Usually I am the first one to be hard on girls when I think they don't care enough- or guys also for that matter- but I think in this case maybe she is depressed- or something- I know that when you hide yourself in something like mah-jong it is because something bigger is going on. I waited in China with my fiance and the wait was very hard for me. I started smoking again (after quitting for a year and now I've had to quit all over again) during the long wait- I think that you should tell her how you feel- press her to work on her English as well- because once she gets here it will be more difficult for her if her English is bad. Idaho will probably be difficult as well. My husband hated Knoxville, TN- now we are in Memphis and he likes it better because there are more Asian people here and he doesn't feel like the only one. My husband was also addicted to mah-jong when he was younger- I know how to play and I think it is a fun game- but I hate gambling and it made me very uncomfortable for my husband to do that- but I think- if you are supporting her- that is the main problem- If you cut off funding she will have to get a job and won't be able to sit around all day- also- she may be really busy and stressed out but at least she won't be depressed.

[mtbdude]

dan,

 

i would be seriously re-evaluating who i'm getting into a relationship with if i was being treated like the way you describe. if talking to me isn't more important than mahjong, then she can have that and i will find someone else who can prioritize me in a similar way as i do her.

 

i think this is a view of her character, and portends things to come. on the scant information given, i have an image of a high maintenance girl who isn't very serious about life, or you.

 

just my $0.02.

 

steve

[Chinese Wife!!!]

Hey Dan,

 

There is a wealth of experiences to be had here at CFL. I do agree with the comments posted above in regards to Mahjong being more important than your calls but I have a different prespective. This is a prime indicator of someone that MAY have a gambling problem (in addition to the time she spends). So here's my VERY condensed story that may or HOPEFULLY may NOT apply to you.

 

My ex-wife was from Thailand. Prior to the marriage there were situations such as you have described. I got married anyway. I was a naive 19 year old and thought that later I could change her NEED to gamble. I later figured out that her gambling was more important than myself or our children. I have 100's of stories I could relate here of the deceit, forged and vastly overdrawn checks, applying for several Visa cards and immediately maxing them out upon receipt, pawned jewelery and car, savings wiped out and more. She often would say I'm going to the store and disappear for 2-4 days of gambling. I sometimes would get calls at work that the kids had not been picked up from school or were at home alone. It was constant economical and EMOTIONAL chaos.

 

I had 30+ years of marriage with the thought that I could help or change HER and she could quit if SHE wanted too. Towards the end of the relationship I was a very active member of GAMANON for 9 months- a support group for GA (Gambler's Anonymous). I found that I could NOT change her. I also got a very good insight into the mind of a gambling compulsive (from GA members other than my ex)- it is an addiction that can be very much like alchohol, crack or over eating. Win or lose there is thought to be a chemical reaction in the brain and hence overrides the rational thought processes of even the relationships of those important to them.

 

As far as you living in Nampa I have two comments. Idaho is indeed a nice place to live (except in winter- for me). If she does have the "gambling bug" she will find a way to gamble eventually. Trust me- I tried a geographical to "cure' my ex. Predominantly it has been Asian people and games but like a drug addict she had sought out other ethnicities and forms of gambling (I have witnessed floating mahjong (and other Asian card) games with $8,000- 10,000 pots with Thai, Viet-namese, Chinese, Filipino and Koreans all at the same table with a common langagage of only gambling terms). With the ever expanding lotteries, Indian Casinos and even school/church sponsored bingo games it is difficult to remove the person from the disease. They are very resourceful at finding other gamblers. Secondly, I concur with the comments Carl made about a remote area- if you plan to remain there you better be opening up the communication channels to her first and prepping her for the remoteness AND having her build up a network of Chinese as close as possible in advance- (perhaps through the internet and 001).

 

This post is not meant to say "drop her like a hot Idaho potato " but simply inform you as to my experiences and potentially a "worst case scenario". It *MAY* offer an explanation (and I surely hope NOT) why "The Game" is more important than talking with you. My wife certainly loved me but "the action" often got put first. I was blessed with 3 great kids and we had some good times but I have to look at it as the journey that got me here to a beautiful souled BUT non gaming Chinese wife.

It could also be the "English thing" too. There are certainly many possibilities. I do wish you good luck and hope that the gist of this post is N/A to you. Richard

[ahhming888]

... and I also believe wife and husband should work together for the family.. especially when it is necessary, the wife needs to go out to work to help the husband, even makes 100 dollars a week is fine too, money is money anyway.

I agree with you there thats all part of relationship/marriage. In my situation if she doesn't know english its gonna hard to even earn a 100$. Yea she wont need english if there was a chinatown. Here in Nampa Idaho as 'Warpedbord' said there's nothing. The closest thing to a chinatown is a small asian market about the size of gas station.

[ahhming888]

ID? Ouch that's gonna be a rough one. I doubt there's anybody in ID that's ever heard of Mahjong. Just taters, guns, bibles and 4x4's out der n' dem necka da wuds.

 

That must be tough man. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I am very grateful for my wife's willingness to learn. She is still concerned that her english isn't going to be good enough to get around with. Her english is already better than most chinese that have been here 4 or 5 years now. She doesn't believe me.

 

I can't say I would be anybetter than her though given the shoe was on the other foot. I always have the best intentions, yet seem to fail in following through. Instead of yacking away on CFL with only the sound of my keyboard banging. I know I ought to have my pimsleur's CD's playing right now.

 

I remember the frustrated feeling now of wishing I started working harder at it. My Chinese has improved a lot, i'm sort of proud of myself, but still not good enough to carry a conversation yet.

 

OK got it in now...ni way swa ying wen ma? bu dong! oi yo wo fon za!

 

LIke I said in my first post the chinese population is so small here that everybody knows everyone else. Yes anyone can lead the horse to water but if it doesn't want to drink. Convincing it drink the water will be a challenge all by itself.

 

Chinese is a hard language to learn for someone trying to learn it from scratch. Im fortunate that I learned it from my parents and grandparents. English I heard on the other hand is the easiest language to learn compared to all others.

 

'OK got it in now...ni way swa ying wen ma? bu dong! oi yo wo fon za!'

(What are you saying here? cantonese? mandrian? LOL I can't read chinese not even written in english )

 

Whats a pimsleur cd?

[Guest enight]

'OK got it in now...ni way swa ying wen ma? bu dong! oi yo wo fon za!'

(What are you saying here? cantonese? mandrian?  LOL I can't read chinese not even written in english   )

that's manderian... he spelt wrong...

[Guest enight]

pimsleur cd... guess that's language teaching CD...

[Guest enight]

'...ni way swa ying wen ma? bu dong! oi yo wo fon za!'

 

ni hui shuo ying wen ma? bu dong! ...and( I don't understand the last sentence, so can not correct them)

[ahhming888]

As i know, majong game is really addicting,i dont know the game rule,but i know many of my colleagues like playing it all the night...i think it is a little bit hard for her to get out of it at once if she just addicted to it. Luckily u can speak chinese,why not tell ur feeling to her directly? Waiting is frustrating thing, few ppls can really put their heart into studying english due to long waiting..i dont know others,but i think i cant concentrate in studying everyday as when i was a student. try to be more patient,and have a real talk with her,tell her ur worries,let her get ready for the upcoming life there,tell her all the efforts u'v made,i think she will realize the importance of making efforts now. i quite agree the enight, family is two persons' stuff,dont take all the burden on ur own shoulder. wish everyting goes on well soon..

-helen

 

 

I know where your comming from about being motivated to study while waiting. It's either that or when she gets here its gonna be super tough all at once. Everything dropping on her all at once with adapting to learning english. I just think if she starts to learn a little the transistion will be a lot easier when she starts to learn it here.

 

I try to explain to her about her future home but she hasn't come to realization of things. It will be a big culture shock when she sees it for herself in person. She won't even to her friend who was visiting when I was in Taishan. Her friend lives in a small town similiar Nampa, Idaho.

 

Yes I will try to talk to her again as communication is the most important thing in a relationship especially in a long distance one. Perhaps once I get through to her the burden will be lifted of my shoulder. Hopefully....

[ahhming888]

Quan distastefully refers to majong as 'The Game'. Her parents will sit up all night playing with friends on the weekend. The game often lasting until the afternoon of the following day. She often tells me that I am not allowed to ever learn how to play 'the game' 

 

Games can be very addicting at any level. I have friends at work that are hooked on computer and video games. Perhaps, Wen has too much free time on her hands, and majong is filling that void. Hopefully that will change when she has more to occupy her time.

Yes games in general are addicting like the traditional computer/video games here in the states. Sounds like your Quan knows about the addiction of the game since she don't want you learn. I dont think I can get addicted to that game. Then again I was never a gamer into the video games etc...

 

Yeah she has all this free time when she could be studying english rather than getting into mahjong. Since recently her days are wake up at noon, eat lunch, then of to mahjong until 2-3am in the morning.

 

When she gets here there will be a set schedule with esl classes, and helping out at the family business. Adjusting to this will be hard for her with her current lifestyle.

[ahhming888]

Playing MJ every nights is bad habit.  Does she play with the same people all the time? Doesn't her friends work or have responsibilies?  You should definitely try persuade her to play only once a week the most.  I think it is a good idea for her to take some English classes in China.  ESL classes are expensive in USA.

Yes an addicting bad habit that has taken control of her everyday life. Yes she plays with the same group of people everytime. I guess apparently her friends don't work nor have responsibilitys. Maybe there job is mayjong since Wen never tells me her losses.

 

Im gonna try....this mahjong sounds like a addciting drug or something. Persuading her will be one of things we will talk about next time we talk on the phone.

 

Before summer of this year she took a semester of english classes in taishan. After that she hasn't followed up on any of the english she learned. She says she has forgotten all of it already.

[ahhming888]

I was very worried about Nicola also. She would wake up at 12 or 2 PM play mahjohng and stay up all night talking to me.  Once she got here I was lucky that she wakes up early and comes to our store till late.  Not sure if that will be the same for wen but you never know.

 

 

Sounds like Nicola made the transistion pretty well from going to no schedule to a set schedule. You have a family business also? Wen will have to do the same except on esl class days. Our family store opens at 10 in the morning until 10 at night. Yeah to say the outcome, it all depends how people are willing to adjust to the transistion.