Homesickness

[NicolaNSam]

Hey everyone,

 

I guess I have heard mentions of homesickness briefly from some people on this site before but I want to share my expriences so that Nicola and I can help a future couple understand and cope with a serious issue that we are facing.

Nicola couldn't wait to come to America. We were together in China for her last two months there and all she talked about was our new life in America. I read once that someone had experienced homesickness and thier wife would cry and talk about how much she missed China. This hit me hard because I always knew that its going to affect Nicola and possibly all of our MM's. I started talking to her and telling her to spend as much time as possible with her family. She would go and spend time with her grandparents at their store. She would eat dinner everynight with her aunts and uncles. She spent hours and hours at her mother and father's work.

The day we left China she cried a river! On the airplane to America she cried and cried. She kept saying she's not sure if she will ever see her grandparents because they are getting old and we are not going to be able to go back to China till April because of our new baby being born in January. She would wake up in the middle of the night and cry. She would go to sleep crying. She loved America and everything about it. She loved spending time with me and still couldn't adjust to being away from her family. Nicola is 22 years old and thousands of miles away from her parents. I even felt guilty for weeks about this. Its the most helpless feeling in the world.

Last week Nicola and I took a roud trip with some friends and sleep depravation and the stress of being crammed in a car while being 5 months pregnant really hit home for her. She broke down and cried and cried. She finally told me she wanted to go back to China and couldn't handle being away from everyone in China. She said she missed her entire family so much, she missed her friends, and she really missed real Chinese food. She said she feels like she doesn't belong here and everytime she wants to stop and try another noodle shop everyone in the car would be aggravated because no one else eats her type of food. She said even if she found a asian store or market the food would be different than from China and she just didn't want to live in America.

Once she got that all off her chest, she calmed down and said she really didn't want to leave me. She said its not fair to our baby for her to move back and be away from her father. She woke up feeling much better the next day but i'm sure its not the end of being home sick. Just imagine what our wives will have to go through. I went to China for 2 months and broke down. I cried like a baby after 7 weeks of being there. I hated the food, hated the fact that I had to ask her to take me everywhere (which now she hates having me bring her everywhere instead of being indipendent and being able to go anywhere she wants). I couldn't take living in a weird enviroment like that.

I have lived in different cities away from home before. I moved a few hours away to open a store here and there and lived away for a few years BUT this is different. Maybe someone will post and say their MM hasn't felt that way when she came but I just wanted to throw this out there so everyone can prepare for the worse. Its a very difficult transition and I really believe its hard for everyone that changes their life so drastically. Talk to your MM's about this before they arrive. Prepare for the worst and you will have the best. Nicola and I are doing great. We are so much a like. We get along fine. She is staying strong and everyday its getting better but its a real issue that should be discussed.

[Trigg]

Amen Sam. I think all of us with our wife in the Us can strongly relate to your post. First let me say this is probably the best post I have read on CFL. Everyone here will or has experienced what you have discussed. I will talk with my wife and try to add to this topic soon--no jokes, no politics.

 

I encourage those of you who have yet to bring your SO to the states to read what Sam has said carefully--the topic of culture shock, belonging, and home sickness WILL effect all of you. I can't tell you how often one of my CFL brethren has called me to discuses this (for you newbies, I'm a retired psychologist). This is VERY important stuff-I'll post later

 

Thanks Sam--great stuff

[warpedbored]

Bing has been here for 3 months and so far homesickness hasn't been a major issue. Sure there has been some moments but nothing dramatic. She has cheap phone cards and calls her family and friends whenever she feels like it. I think the big difference in our case is Bing has lived overseas before. She lived in 'England with her brother for 6 months once and has traveled abroad while working for a national magazine in China. Nicola is young and this is probably her first time away from home. Hopefully she will adapt. In the meantime a lot of patience is required.

[John & Hai Yan]

Sam.

Thanks for your very honest and heart felt story. You hit the nail on the head. You really touched on a concern that I have. I think about this a lot. Sometimes I wonder if my MM wouldn't be better off staying in China. Am I being too selfish bringing her here? My MM is very happy in China. She is very close to her family. She has many friends. She has a good job. She lives a comfortable middle class Chinese life. She has mixed feelings about coming to the US. I often try to prepare her, by telling her that it will be a very difficult adjustment for her to come to the USA. But then I realized she only started worrying more, so I backed off a little.

 

My thoughts are to try to plug my MM into the local Chinese community as much as possible. A friend of mine adopted a Chinese baby and along with others, who have also adopted Chinese babies, have developed a network that is interconnected with the larger Chinese community. Many ESL classes and Chinese culture classes are offered. They have social events together. Twenty two of them even took a trip to China in June. I am also going to do my best to help her develop her own Chinese friends where she can speak Chinese.

 

I am fortunate that there is a Chinatown in Philadelphia near where I live. More importantly the Chinatown in NYC is a two hour drive, has over 200,000 people and is like an actual small city in China. And, she can get real Chinese food there.

 

I know "there is no place like home" but I think I will try to give my MM as many "familiar" things as possible to make the transition a little bit easier.

 

I also keep reminding her that she can talk on the telephone to her family & friends, as well as instant messenger with web cameras, and she can return for visits after AOS and AP.

 

I keep emphasizing to my MM that speaking English fluently will make the transition much easier in regards to not being as dependent on me for everything. We practice English almost everyday on the telephone.

 

I am sure you are doing everything possible to help her adjust. I would like to here more detailed stories from you and others who already have your loved ones here about things that have been most helpful. I think we can all benefit from sharing our experiences more.

 

I agree with you that there is not enough discussion about this subject. I think it is perhaps the single most challenging thing that we on CFL will have to face.

[Guest blsqueaky]

I also have touched on this subject. There is one thing that I would like to remind everyone also is not to try and plan so much for her when she arrives. Let your So take it easy. I rembember awhile back when I was talking to a freind, and he arranged for her to get invloved in the Chinese communitie there, and his SO did not want that. She wanted to learn about his way of life, because she came here to learn.

 

Ling constandly talks to her family and friends, and so far, not once has she shown any homesickness, (at least not that I have seen). She has met many people and is always learing english, and talking to them, and they are starting to understand. I guess that this has lots to do with living in a small town, and not a city. John, Ling is learning everyday, and I am luckily that I have many good friends and they have a lot of patientce(sp) with her because they all know that she is learning. One of the greatest kicks is when we walk into either the Eagles or the VFW, everyone says hello and she says hello back and uses their names, and hen orders what she wants by herself.

 

Many of you know that I am an OTR driver, and within 1 week she was with me on the truck, and adapted very quick. I know that everyone adapts to this transistion in their own way. Maybe I am lucky. One thing that I guess that was in my favor here is that the whole time that we chatted before we met, when we met and when we got married, she always knew my work, and she learned to accept it.

 

Well this is just my 2 yuan worth. Nicola and Sam, very nice post. John, let her get here, they see what she wants.

[tywy_99]

China today, is not the same China my wife grew up in. She doesn't miss the country at all. Sure, she misses her mother and she misses her sister but she can always call them, and she does.

She lived thru some rough times during the PCR as a young girl. She was sent out to labor where she told me that they lived in caves, and her father, who was a hydraulics engineer was murdered by the red guard. This I can tell upsets her greatly. She has told me some amazing stories and I can see where she doesn't miss China at all.

But she is a generation removed from todays young Chinese, and I, who never lived such a cruel and hard life, can understand how homesickness can be a problem.

 

Thanks for the enlightening story, Sam. As all things, it has to be kept in perspective.

[se_lang]

All I can say is thanks for the post Sam, like others this has been a major concern of mine my MM is older then yours but still lives at home and is close to her family, I told her to call them everyday it don't cost much and she can still have contact, she said no she needed to adjust and if always called home would not be good, my response was as time goes on and the more she adjusts the calls will slow down an get shorter until she feels comfortable here, so I hope and pray. In 19 days she will step off the plane and start the process of adjusting, I will post anything I gleam useful to others.

 

Thanks again Sam.

[hypoclear]

I have thought about this same thing with Bea also. It took me some time to adjust to beinging here, about 1 year for sure but in about 6 to 8 months it was ok.

 

I had told her one of the first things I would do is show her how to get to China town in NYC. I figure we will end up in Jersey city to start off in and than search out a better place as we will land in Springfield, Ma with my sister when we first get there. I still haae contacts in jersey city so will be easier than trying to find a place in brooklyn or queens.

 

We will do the same with the phone cards and this computer with the mic, web cam and messanger programs will be cleaned up and a new HD put in with Chinese windows and given to her mom and dad. They are going to want to see the baby and ..hehe maybe talk to Bea..

 

We have spoken of buying them a digital camera and a video cam as well.. we will see how funds are, as the girls love to watch the videos we do of them.

 

Bea's english is very good as you, Sam and Nicola know, so hopefully in a month or two she will be able to ge around by herself... I just worry sometimes about sending little her out into the streets of NYC. We are hopeing to be able to take a month or two off when we get there so she has time to explore and get a sense of the city and how to act in it to be safe.

 

I have already done some research about ESL classes and WOW!! all the other functions, clubs and oferings in china town. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh heheh there is a Dim Sum place on Elizabeth street and I told her last night there is a Sullivan street also!! SO be on the look out for the video or pics of that.. I maybe can't get my baby's name in lights on Broadway.. but!!!

 

I hope there will be enough touches and senses of home for her while she adjusts so the first year will go smoothly for her.

 

So Sam and Nicloa!!! and baby we will see you over here in China first it seems. So while the babies go have tea we can go have dim sum!

 

Mark and Bea

[Patrick & Li]

My wife has experienced some Homesickness, Most of it has come due to it being so hard to adjust to the complete change.

Bringing her son with her has helped some, just because he keeps her busy.

I took alot of advice from others here and got her enrolled in some ESL classes. This has helped some. I also take her driving 2 or 3 times per week. She knows this is important for her independance.

It is an everyday job, and she adjusts little by little.

Overall she's happy, because she is here with me.

 

Patrick

[tonado]

My wife is homesick already. She came to USA 13 months ago. Her ESL classes, driving lessons, and working at a department store are keeping her very busy. However, she want to visit her parents soon.

[Jim - Portland, USA]

Thank you very much for the post Sam. I'm sorry that Nicola is having such a terrible bout of homesickness. Wish I could prescribe some type of cure for that, but I have no such prescription.

 

My honey went to school in Malaysia for nearly four years. She only saw her family 3 times in those 4 years, but she said she never got homesick. Of course there are a lot of Chinese people/food/culture in Malaysia, and I know that helped her adjust.

 

Although now today her one concern about living here is that she already knows she is going to miss real Chinese food! Haha, I told her she can cook whatever real Chinese food she likes Portland is also blessed with a bunch of Chinese restaurants, hopefully at least 1 will be suitable for her?

 

She also already knows she will want to go back to China to visit every 2 or 3 years. Maybe if you make a plan now to go to China ASAP next year, that might make Nicola feel better? And you've got the 2 cents-per-minute phone calls going, right? I know it's common for womens' hormones to go bezerk during pregnancy, perhaps that is adding a new level to her homesickness?

 

I know both of you love each other very much, I'm sure everythign will be fine before too long, it's just a matter of getting through the rough patch for now. Hang in there and stay strong Sam, I wish you all the best!!

[NicolaNSam]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Nicola is feeling fine and we are VERY happy together. I just wanted to discuss the homesickness issue with everyone because it hits her sometimes and hits hard. Its the only issue that we have to deal with for the last two months. Its a major issue. Nicola will be going back with me to China in April and we're going to take Bea and Mark up on their dim sum offer! HAHAHA

We have been staying busy everyday with our store but homesickness still hits in at night or those quiet moments. For whatever its worth i'm just glad it will help others prepare for it.

[Guest Gene]

Thank you Sam for introducing a topic that is thought about, but had not really been discussed. I am glad that you and Nicola are happy and doing well

[MikeXiao]

This is a good topic. My wife will probably be here in 5-6 months. I have thought alot about this. It has me worried. I have talked to the local schoold district about English lessons for her and her daughter. Anything that is posted that I can use to help her adjust, is appreaciated. It does not help that there is not a Chinese community close by.

[eeyore]

Hopefully your girl will feel better after the baby. Sometimes a pregnancy can cause one's emotions to be exaggerated. One of my close friends went through a bout of depression during and soon after her pregnancy. Adjusting to life in the US is challenging for sure esp w/the added stress of child bearing. I can relate a little to your feelings about being in China. I was in Shanghai for a month and was totally dependent on my lp and that was a bit stressful for her. Funny thing about it though, I did not feel homesick at all (missed my house a little) since being with my beloved made up for the rest. Being in China is quite an adventure and some of the food is really quite good. Just look at it this way; China is an experience of a life time, you, I and others here might not ever get the chance to experience China if not for our loved ones, and to be shown around by a resident is the best way to see it.

 

I hope things work out for you both.

 

Thomas