Sex

[m-coon]

Hi Guys,

My Chinese wife has not only lost intertest in sex, she is basically refusing to have any sex of any kind. She is 63 while I am 67. Sex was pretty good earlier in our marriage, but after menopause she hasn't just lost interest in it, she basically refuses all advances. It may be cruel to say but I think that there was never any real love, it was only the love of a green card. There is a large amount of inheritance monies as well involved - I'm worth a M plus. Now that she has that, she is using menopause as an excuse to avoid it completely. We all know there can be vagina pain after menopause, but she is refusing any form of sex! Any advice guys?

m-coon

Edited November 26, 2021 by m-coon
forgot something (see edit history)

[Randy W]

Scott, I don't know how important * * HAVING SEX * * is to you, but you might want to think about that.

You don't say much about your wife, but Chinese women are often very practical and often have a "What's YOURS is OURS" attitude.

While they may seem indifferent or unexpressive emotionally, they are usually VERY dedicated to the relationship. It might be VERY difficult to determine whether she would behave differently if the "rewards" weren't there.

[Martin B]

Have you directly asked her why she's not interested? 

I doubt it's the money. If she really wanted a payout and no longer wanted to deal with you, she could divorce and mostly likely take a nice chunk of money with her. If it was all about the green card, she presumably could've bailed the second she got her 10yr card.

It could be she's simply bored of the same routine. Maybe you've gained weight and she finds it unattractive. Maybe it's a hormonal thing on her end (depression?). Who knows - asking her the best place to start.

Good luck!

 

 

[m-coon]

Hi and thanks for the input.

I am very much in love with her..... I love her far more than I have ever loved anyone. And I am trying not to sound (or be) insensitive. 

All she will tell me is that vaginal sex is just too painful, and I do not doubt that. I have tried extra lubricant to help, but she says it is still too painful. Again, I do not doubt this. I trust her and believe her.

However, I have told her that I could be pacified with "holding", "kissing and hugging", and obviously "oral sex"..... but I have in no way said I was demanding the oral sex in particular. In other words just the holding, touching, hugging, kissing, etc would suffice.... yet she will not tell me why she still refuses even that.

We have both gained weight, so I doubt it is the physical appearance turning her off.

So do any of you have any further advice or info that may help me here?  Again, she will not tell me WHY she is not willing to have any affection at all towards me. The marriage doesn't have any other problems, we are both happy (as far as I know).

Thanks,

m-coon

[Randy W]

Your first post came off sounding like you might want a divorce, or to have her deported. I also thought you might be looking for affirmation of what you were feeling. After this post, we have a more accurate picture of the situation.

But I think you could write a book here and we still would be unable to sort out the finer points.

There was a thread once here on CFL (before my time) where the two parties had separate threads going about their partners and were getting entirely different - even conflicting - responses in the two threads.

But my advice is simple - ACCEPT who she is, and deal with it (especially your own feelings) as best you can.

[Catherineli]

This post makes me think of my mother's third sister. Right now she is 67.  She has been healthy and pretty. She always has ideas of everything, a very smart woman. She loves her husband and they have a boy. But no one knows since when she started hating sex with her husband.  The HATE's been so extremely strong that her husband couldn't do anything but had to endure the suffer from the hopeless hurt.  There were many times, (I don't know how many times), that my poor uncle-in-law played real fire crackers in their bed room at bed time or at mid night.  It seems making the terrible noise from the fire crackers in the bedroom released some from him.  She refused to see a doctor. HE went to see a doctor for her. The doctor couldn't give any ideas but simply asked her husband if she was in love with another man. The answer is absolutely NOT.  It seems there is no such a profession like "marriage counselor".  In China, especially many years ago, there was no access to talk or to get advice about sex topic.  I knew my third aunt's "secret" many years later from my her own mouth. When she told me her bedroom firecrackers, I gave her some advices to love back her husband.  Even with ME encouraging her to receive sex from her husband, she is very angry, not with me but with the word sex.  She hates hugging, kissing and any kind of affectionate touching. In other aspects, she has been loyal and faithful to her family and her husband all her life.  They never separated from each other, never divorced each other.  My poor uncle-in-law just accepted who she is like Randy said in the end of his post.  It's an individual case. Please don't think other Chinese families do the same : )

Here are my ideas:

1. No one enjoys a divorce and no one would say, "Divorce is a big fun."  Mr. Coon's marriage with the Chinese wife has been going on for many years. which proves the real love between them through the time. 

2. I don't think the wife doesn't love Mr. Coon anymore. Mr. Coon can try to take her to see a doctor. Maybe she has other disease you have not realized such as heart problem, liver problem, lung problem,  ( knock on wood) that take away her pleasure in sex. 

3. I wish there was never such a thing called "Green Card". The green card aroused millions of suspects, doubts, stories and other bad assuming.  Some men tend to think "she has green card now, she may------" The devil takes advantages of the green card and ruins many people's family. If I could, I would move all men to Guilin China. But if a wish is a thing, everyone can be a king. 

Best wishes,

Catherine

[Martin B]

One more thought - in my situation, whenever my wife is not interested in my advances, it's often because she's angry or or some other irritation is brewing inside. Usually takes a little nudging to get her to tell me what's wrong but that tends to fix things. 

[m-coon]

Thanks for the valuable input! I guess I have no choice but to live out the rest of my life with no changes to this situation. How sad, because we did at one time have a wonderful marriage/relationship, it has been many many years in the making. I would give anything to find the answer, but she is just not going to tell me. I can live without any physical "touch", "passion", or whatever you might call it.... but it does take a great deal out of life, especially given the fact that it WAS a big part of our relationship. I thought it was important to her, as she used to instigate sex herself. It is as if a light switch had just been turned off. No middle of the road, no halfway...... Not ANY, period....... just all of a sudden completely turned off. It just makes no sense, and although it is her right to not tell me, I find this very cruel. Everyone here knows how very difficult these types of marriages can be, and we both have really worked hard on it........ so I feel now that she has just given up and is willing to throw it all away (by not even bothering to explain her reasons). Oh well....... thanks for your input/advice!

m-coon

[Catherineli]

I'm sorry for your situation. Can you buy her some flowers, gifts, or going to a movie or a romantic restaurants? but not to mention sex to her. You know what she likes or cook a nice dinner for her or buy her a beautiful dress. There're millions of romantic ways to apply. Give some time, you will find out the reason.   Best Wishes!