Chinese Discipline of Children

[natrigon]

Hmmm,

 

I never hit a kid, don't think I could muster the anger needed to actualy strike a kid. My two sons are great people.

 

There are better ways of correction than violence and force. I am amazed at parents that would strike a child. Let's say a child gets into a fight at school and gets suspended. So would you correct the situation by beating him? What kind of message does that send? Use violence to correct a violent action?

 

When my son was about 10 he got into trouble at school. He threw rocks at some other kids and then mouthed off to the teacher. Later we talked. He told me 4-5 kids kept bullying him at school break. He told the monitoring teacher that he was being bothered and bullied and the school did not protect him. Then after the kids found out he told on them the pack was going to beat him. So he grabbed a handful of rocks and drove them off. After hearing the story I commended him. No reason for him to be beat. I also threatned to sue the school if they could not adequately protect my son, after being warned of problems be specific kids.

 

Some of you may say that beating a kid does this or that. Well I never have and never will beat my kids and we have good kids. Some of you will say that I am just lucky. To those of you who may say that I have one response. My kids slept throught the night at any early age too. I know other parents that would drive their kids arounf in the car EVERY night until they fell asleep. THey thought I was lucky to have good kids too. Kids will respond and adapt to thier enviornment. Good and postive is better than fearful and resenting anyday!

[Trigg]

Good for you!!!! You have gotten it right!!!! Great analogy "..beat a kid for fighting.." Many parents could learn from you.!

[natrigon]

I don't agree with the notion to never lay a hand on a kid. When a toddler reaches for the stove burner - time for a slap on the hand and a 'NO NO NO". Same when they take off into the street without looking. A swat on the butt will get their attention. They are too young to understand the danger and aversion training is in order. I'm not talking about leaving red marks or bruises, just enough to make a little noise.

I see your point but still don't agree with you. Children should be not allowed near hot stoves until they fully understand what hot burners can do. Same with crossing the street. But I do understand you concept for it would be impossible, say in China, to casually impress the notion of traffic and that cars kill... etc.

 

I am glad that we agree on the main concept. Don't beat the S*** out of cute, curious and wonderful people just because they are kids. I find that kids just want to explore and expirement and that's great. I also don't threaten to spank, turn your ass red or break their damn necks (as I have heard in grocery stores around the globe). Never had to, never will. But some may still say... "your just lucky you got good kids".

[NicolaNSam]

Seems like your kids are lucky to have you as a father!

[Maui & China]

I see your point but still don't agree with you. Children should be not allowed near hot stoves until they fully understand what hot burners can do. Same with crossing the street. But I do understand you concept for it would be impossible, say in China, to casually impress the notion of traffic and that cars kill... etc.

 

I am glad that we agree on the main concept. Don't beat the S*** out of cute, curious and wonderful people just because they are kids. I find that kids just want to explore and expirement and that's great. I also don't threaten to spank, turn your ass red or break their damn necks (as I have heard in grocery stores around the globe). Never had to, never will. But some may still say... "your just lucky you got good kids".

I think I'm going to agree with Natrigon on this. But I certainly agree with others that some type of discipline must be used at times.

 

I work at a luxury resort on Maui where I have witnessed parents who have no control over their children. They plead and beg with them to come down to the beach. They bribe the kids to eat their dinner. They acquiese to every whim the child may have. I have overheard a 15 yr old girl telling her friends how she got her father to pay for her breast implants for her 14th birthday, so what could she demand of him for this birthday. Some of these kids run around wild, causing damage, hurting other children and their parents do nothing. Basically, the kids are in control. Sometimes you just want to give them a good tongue lashing. I mean the parents, to displine their children.

 

It makes me wonder what will become of this country when these children of wealth and privledge grow up to become leaders of important companies, or of our country.

[Trigg]

I ahve worked with troybled kids all my adilt life. And, It does my heart good to hear some of these positive comments. There is hope---keep it up guys.

 

Trigg

[natrigon]

But I certainly agree with others that some type of discipline must be used at times.

 

I work at a luxury resort on Maui where I have witnessed parents who have no control over their children.  They plead and beg with them to come down to the beach.  They bribe the kids to eat their dinner.  They acquiese to every whim the child may have.  I have overheard a 15 yr old girl telling her friends how she got her father to pay for her breast implants for her 14th birthday, so what could she demand of him for this birthday.  Some of these kids run around wild, causing damage, hurting other children and their parents do nothing.  Basically, the kids are in control.  Sometimes you just want to give them a good tongue lashing.  I mean the parents, to displine their children.

 

It makes me wonder what will become of this country when these children of wealth and privledge grow up to become leaders of important companies, or of our country.

How true!! But it all starts out early in life. When my kids acted out at an early age I would tell them... "later do you want to bla bla bla... Then you need to bla bla bla" They learned a cause and effect. Now I leave the chocolate out on the counter. My 6 year old son will ask me... "Dad can I have some chocolate" Instead of saying "no" I say something like "Sure after you bla bla bla you can have 3 pieces" etc.

 

In my world I try and never say "no" to reasonable requests. The answer might be "yes, tomorrow after school" or "sounds like a great idea, after dinner we can both video games for 45 minutes" etc. If that is not good enough then he gets a choice. "you can have it tomorrow after school or next week... you decide". Occaisonaly I have said "or do you want to get in trouble?" But trouble has never neede to be explained or administered, luckily, because I do not know what it would be.

 

It even starts earlier than that. But that is a whole 2 hour story. Certainly the 15 year old that demands this or that from the parents has been let loose at a very early age. I know no remedies for these situations because I have no experience. But for me, hitting, or worse, the consistent threat of harm is completely wrong.

[Trigg]

You are a natural born parent. It took me 11 years to get my phD in child psych. And I think I could learn from your insight. Be sure to share your savey---but do it gentley. Damned good parent ing ideas, And -yes a 15 year old can be helped---but the parent must be willling to re-learn many things. it's a lot of work. Imagine that, parenting a lot of work. Anyway Nit, you and others i have read, have some good ideas---don't let the "let's take the easy way out and beat the sh-t out of kids" folks change you. your kids will be great adults.

Trigg

[MarkLuvsShuPing]

I work with troubled kids in a residential treatment facility, these kids have been abused and neglected, many are extreme cases. The one thing that I see missing in their lives and here on this thread is consistency.

 

Discipline, whether by spanking, restrictions, praise or attention, must be consistent. If a kid is punished for lying about homework today, but not given any consequence for lying about something else later, they get mixed messages - i.e., it's OK to lie sometimes.

 

These mixed messages create doubt and insecurity in the child. These are the things that lead to worse offenses because the kid wants to have well defined boundaries. Having boundaries = knowing you are cared for.

 

The kid is basically saying, "I'll push these boundaries because I need to see if my parents care enough to notice."

 

Consistency is key. It sends the message that you, the parent, care enough about the kid to define their boundaries. Kids have a hard time learning about healthy boundaries and they need our help. If the boundaries depend on the mood of the parent, the kid will keep testing and pushing to find the consistency.

 

In that regard Dave, you and your wife really need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline. If she is going to ream your son anytime he screws up, then you need to support her efforts. You don't have to ream him too, but you have to present a united front. However, if you think she was way too harsh on him, you need to tell her to lighten up because you won't feel comfortable backing her up if you think she's wrong.

 

Parents don't have to have the same parenting styles to be effective, but they do need to be united. That'll show consistency and that'll make the kid feel secure. Kids who are secure feel better about themselves and won't go looking for confirmation about their self worth in all the wrong places. If they've gotten clear messages from their parents, they'll feel safe about going to their parents for advice and to get their emotions validated.

 

I've never hit my son, not once, yet he is one of the most responsible, honorable and honest people you'll meet. His mother and I don't like each other, but we work together to provide consistency in his life and the effort really shows. The point is that it doesn't matter how you punish or praise the child as long as you do it consistently.

 

I don't believe that spanking is neccessary, but if you're going to do it, do it the same way each time.

[Martytb]

I am very reluctant to add to this thread. My experience is very painful.

When my teenage daughter used 4 letter words when responding to me I should have realized there was more happening than I knew. I spent 15 years giving my only child all that I could give. In the blink of an eye everything changed. Now I am very bitter, hurt and confused. I responded in a physical manner. I did not hurt my daughter, but I gave her mother the chance she was waiting for.

 

If not for all this I never would have met Weiping.

There is a moral here somewhere. I think.

 

I know. .

I love you Weiping

[skibum]

I think the biggest problems arise when the parent disiplines the kid while he, the parent is pissed. Everyone needs to cool off first and make sure the punishment matches the crime.

[natrigon]

You are a natural born parent. It took me 11 years to get my phD in child psych. And I think I could learn from your insight.  Be sure to share your savey---but do it gentley.

Trigg,

 

My stomach just boils every time I see a child hit, threatened with violence or completely humiliated in public by their short sighted, unimaginatve and selfish parents. I know, becasue I have seen... Many parents over-stimulate the little kids, then they drag them all over the place (not in a car seat) with no nap and then feed them mass quantities of sugar. So when they can't sit still and concentrate in a store what is the great suprise? What is the answer, beat them silly? threaten them with constant beatings? tell them later they are going to get their ass beat raw?

 

No the answer is that the selfish parent(s) should have:

used a condom -or-

made sacrifices -or-

let the child have some quiet time -or-

planned their day with the child in mind -or- ......

 

I don't know why this topic get's me so hot but it does. I was only spanked once as a kid. It was not effective, as it happened I was innocent and nobody believed me, nobody even bothered to listen to the evidence. After that I figured what the heck and caused a lot of trouble (just never got caught).

 

To bad the hospitals don;t give out a nice little book on a few key subjects after child birth.

 

How to put your child on a sleep and stimulation schedule (informal not strict).

 

How to feed them, change their diapers and to let them cry 5-15 minutes before sleeping is ok. Also how to wake a sleeping baby during the day so your shedules mesh.

 

How parents can survive without saying "NO" and "NEVER" in almost every situation.

 

How parents can speak to a child like a human, with respect and not a dumb animal that needs a whooping or it will kill something.

 

and finally... how to show them unconditional love!!