The difference between the chinese mother in law and american mother i

[xiaoyan1985]

I am going move to the states with my american husband next year. i am a little concern about the in law relations. Most chinese mother in law and daughter in law relations are not so easy to deal with. So girls, i want to know how would you discribe your relationship with your in law? What should i be careful about the in law relationship? What's the difference between china and the US on this matter? Thanks a lot!

[Catherineli]

Welcome you back to Candle! Xiaoyan, don't worry about American inlaws. They're much easier than those Chinese sharp moms who expect you to take care of them from head to toe. Americans don't get in to other people's business and the inlaws don't interfere in the next generation's life. I understand your concern very well. Most Chinese mothers-inlaw are jealous if you love their son. You can't show any intimacy to your husband in front of the Chinese inlaw mom. That is not the case in America. I suggest that you call your American motherinlaw "Mom" dearly with your smile for the first time or it's up to you. But I do suggest that in your free talking with the American inlaw mom, if you have a chance, you let her know that you want to be her daughter instead of daughterinlaw. She will be very happy with you. The American women like to hear it. I have three American moms in China.

 

Some old aged American women like to be everyone's mom at church. They are spiritual mom. They don't mean earthly mom or to improve some relationshp.

 

All kinds of relationship needs effort and true love. You reap what you sow. Now you're asking such a question, which means you're already planting seed of love! Good for you, Xiaoyan!

 

Catherine

[Thomas Promise]

Old American saying is: Behind every successful husband is a good wife and a surprised Mother-in-law.

[Joecy]

Hi Xiaoyan, great question!

 

Everyone is different, I can only speak for my experience.

 

My mother in law is 72, JUST about to retire, for that I have utmost admire for her. She was a stay-at-home mom until my husband was 10. Then she went back to college to pursue her graduate degree, after that, doctor degree. She said she just enjoyed studying. She started to learn guitar at age 40, now she performs at a local bar with other musician, they love Celtic music(Irish) . Living by the sea, she loves turtle. She would get up earlier during the hatching season, searching for turtle nests to protect the eggs from predators. She loves baking, spoiled us with tons and tons of chocolate chip cookies whenever we meet. She loves to read to my daughter, if I didn't say anything, she would probably keep reading for a whole night!

 

We talk on phone regularly. She gave me lots of support when I just arriving the US -- trying to adjust but had many problems. We carried on that phone call habit since then. I enjoy talking to her. To me, she is a fascinating woman, I want to learn from her.

 

Xiaoyan, you will be amazed how beautiful this relationship will be - just open your heart and your eyes

[Joecy]

One things did strike me as the difference between Chinese and American: She didn't like to be associate with "old people".

 

I slipped my tongue saying something like "as old people, you need to be more careful..." She would replied in a ironic tone, " Am I that old already? "

 

[RubyA]

Welcome to Candle, Xiaoyan!!

 

From my own experience, I really enjoy spending time with my mother-in-law, she has helped me in many ways. When I first got to the States about five years ago, I moved in with my in-laws and lived with them for about one year. I still remember my mother-in-law made baked potato, green beans, and salmon for dinner, she fixed my plate and brought to my bedroom, she is so sweet, I don't think my mom ever let me eat in my bedroom, haha..

 

Then when my husband and I decided to get married without a wedding, she said she would pay for the weddding and dress, she doesn't want me to regret later. I really appreciate her for giving me a wedding that I will never forget.

 

When I first went to my job interview, she is the one that encouraged me so much, and belived in me. I guess that's why I was so confident at my interview and got the offer.

 

She's always buying me a lot of clothes, I remember I always get the most gifts on every Christmas (It seems I am the baby in the family).. haha...

My husband is the only son, so my mother-in-law never had the chance shopping for girly things before, now she's always getting me so much clothes that almost fill my closet...

 

She also helped me with my baby nursery ( the baby will be here next year), from crib to car seat, stroller, she is very thoughful and excited about her first grandchild.

 

I think of her as my mom, not really mother-in-law, and she never interferes my husband and my business.

 

My mother-in-law just turned 52 years old this year, she said she would probably retire in 5 years, but working doesn't mean she won't be able to help me with my baby, she certainly wants to be involved in her grandchild's life.

 

Anyway, I don't think I offered much advice, but telling my story. Everyone is different, I wish you the best, Xiaoyan!!

Edited October 29, 2014 by RubyA (see edit history)

[Thomas Promise]

One things did strike me as the difference between Chinese and American: She didn't like to be associate with "old people".

 

I slipped my tongue saying something like "as old people, you need to be more careful..." She would replied in a ironic tone, " Am I that old already? "

 

Substitute the "old" word to seasonally adjusted or enlighten experience.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Thomas Promise (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

You ladies gave some heart-warming stories how your new mothers-in-law have embraced and helped your transition to your new home.

 

Sadly, my mother never liked any woman I brought home. None were good enough for me in her eyes. I finally got to a point where I just gave up on mom's feelings and just put the woman I was with first. That meant that my woman's feelings were more important than mom's... sorry mom, but I had to live my life for me and that means making wife happy first and foremost.

 

I truly believe that most American women (mothers) will empathize with their new Chinese daughters learning about their new life here and want their new daughters to feel they are loved and comforted while they get their feet on the ground.

 

We Americans like to joke about mean mothers-in-law, but the truth is most mothers just want someone to love their sons as much as they love them.

[xiaoyan1985]

Thank you for all of your replies. I guess I saw too many dramas about mother and daughter in law on tv and internet,also in real life. The conflicts are unavoidable. It's a lot to do with the man's attitude towards this matter.

[Joecy]

Thank you for all of your replies. I guess I saw too many dramas about mother and daughter in law on tv and internet,also in real life. The conflicts are unavoidable. It's a lot to do with the man's attitude towards this matter.

Exactly the man's attitude matters!

 

OK, let's ask our gentleman here, if there's disagreement between your wife and your mother, which side will you choose?

[warpedbored]

 

Joecy, on 02 Nov 2014 - 2:29 PM, said:

OK, let's ask our gentleman here, if there's disagreement between your wife and your mother, which side will you choose?

 

My mother is passed on but when she was alive and lived with us my wife and her loved each other. They had no conflicts I am aware of but if they had I would always choose my wife.

[tsap seui]

On my various "business trips" (as I called them, and later Wenyan did also once she understood what I was talking about) to meet and get to know Wenyan as well as possible before she uprooted her life and came to America, I learned many important things from our endless discussions about ourselves. One of the most important ones was when I found out the main reason of her divorce from her very nice ex-husband (a truly really good guy).

 

When Wenyan and her ex were dating and newly married, Wenyan and her mother in law got along really well together. In time it came out that Wenyan was 5 years older than her husband. This fact blew the mother in law's mind and she could not get over it. Wenyan was the same woman that mommy in law had met and treated with respect and nicety but that age difference with her little boy changed her, overnight, into a pure bitch to Wenyan. Unfortunately, dear ex-husband didn't take up for his beautiful wife. He couldn't find it in himself to have a talk with his mother to treat his wife with respect. He just couldn't take up for his wife and defy his mom.

 

That became 95% of the reason Wenyan divorced her husband. That lesson has been branded into my brain. I have wanted to meet the mother in law and thank her profusely. She ruined a damn good thing for her son....and with her actions I was given the gift of my lifetime.

 

My mom is gone. I'm sure she would love Wenyan, but, if she were alive and crossed Wenyan....well, my ol' southern mammy, God rest her soul, she would find herself on the outside looking in....just like Wenyan's ex-mother in law is doing now. Mommy dearest has her son but boy did she blow it with that age difference stupidity. Thank you VERY much, ma'am.

 

Rawknee

[Joecy]

There's a Chinese saying about wife older than husband :

 

Wife 3 years older, husband gets to hold golden bricks

Wife 4 years older, husband gets happy things

Wife 5 years older, husband gets to be rich

 

Rawknee, If this were true, the ex-mother-in-law didn't ruined her son's prosperity.

[tsap seui]

That is very good to hear, Joecy. I really like Wenyan's ex-husband. He is a really nice guy and has helped with his son like the boy is living with him. He has also helped with Wenyan's parents when she couldn't be in China, even on the eve of the day of our interview he took Wenyan's father to a hospital...when Wenyan's own 2 older brothers stood by helplessly and totally uselessly. I can't say enough good about the man. The only thing I see that he did wrong was no backing up his wife to his mother. He let his mother treat Wenyan like a dog...so...after a few years of that treatment she left him. Even Wenyan says that she would still be married to the guy if he would have taken up for her with his mother.

 

I hope he makes more money than the American printing presses can print. At this point he is living with his mother and drives a car for businessmen. He was driving a taxi.

 

I also would like to thank his mother for chasing Wenyan out of her son's life and into mine.

 

Rawknee

[danb]

There is probably a social order/ hierarchy to a Chinese family that is different than say the family structure in the USA. I have heard that when a Chinese woman marries , She is "greeted" into the husband family. The "greeting" is often not that warm. She doesn't even take her husband family name. If the husband is the first husband he might have to do a lot of kow towing to inherit the families' property. And it is also in his own self interest to keep things as status quo because if he is the first son, then won't he inherit the head of household position one day? He probably wants to honor the family traditions that have been around for generations. I was told once that the traditions of a Chinese family has changed. No longer does 3 or 4 generation live in one household. Now days the young move away from their village and set up a new family setup. A single family. Not longer a multi-generational household.

 

What happen if the husband(1 st son) dies, then what becomes of his wife? What happen if the husband(2nd son) dies, then what becomes of his wife? What happens if the wife gets a divorce how does her status change? Can that wife go back to her Mother and Father and rejoin their family? I don't know. I am guessing that what was traditional 100 years ago is probably different that how things were in the 1960's vs how things became after Deng Xiao Ping proclamation that 'to make money is glorious' and then the wide acceptance of the western world and the internet. Many things and values have change but are the core traditions still alive in China? What do you think?

 

I was playing with google translate and got two different character sets for Jia. 佳 Jia and Jiating 家庭. Can some one tell me the difference in meaning and usage? DanB