How to handle this?

[RobertH]

Hello all I hope things are going well for everyone. Hui and I are doing good and all it basicly well.

I do have some questions about how to look at things...... Whats going on is Hui has started to work now, her 1st job was house keeping at the best western. This job was very hard work and she left ater only 3 weeks. I could not blame her, she got 15 minutes for lunch every day and no other breaks on top of that they expected her to clean 16-20 rooms in a 8 hour shift.

 

After leaving the house keeping job she got work doing part time massage for a few different massage places. They would call her and if it was a good time for her I would take her down to the place and she would work. She was happy with this plan because she had looked at her friend who also did massage but had to work 6 days a week from 10am-10pm and she said that was to much work time. Of late she has been doing 99% of her work at a Nice massage place located a 10 minute bike ride away from our house so she can just bike down there when they call her, whats bothering me is they are calling her all the time now and she is turning in to the 10am-10pm worker.

 

I'll tell you how I feel and you can let me know you thoughts.

 

1. I miss her, I guess I got used to her being there everytime I got home for the 1st year she was here.

 

2. When she finishes at night it is dark out so I drive down to pick her up at this point its between 9-10pm and when we get home we are both tired and we dont have much time to chat.

 

3. The only day of the week I dont work is on Sunday and I cant get her to tell them she cant work that day at all.

 

 

What should I do? Am I being selfish by wanting her to work less? I need advise because she can tell it is making me mad and I worry it will have an effect on us.

 

 

Robert

 

 

P.S. we also have had a few tifs about what she dose with her money from her job but that will be for another post.

Edited April 4, 2011 by RobertH (see edit history)

[dnoblett]

A word of caution, my wife looked into the Massage thing a couple years back, I researched it, and nixed this for her, In NY a person needs a License to do massage so getting caught without a license could get her into trouble I did not wish to deal with, I believe in NY it is a felony and this would definitely jeopardize her green-card.

 

Check with AZ about this.

 

My wife too tried the house keeping thing, did not last more than 90 days.

 

She is on call with the local school to act as a teacher's aid sub.

 

Other jobs have been seasonal, and working in restaurants.

 

Tough finding good work..

 

Anyway, my wife is doing very well as a consultant for an Energy company, this may be the thing she has been looking for.

[bullmastiff]

What did she do when she was in China ? Is her living condition today really better of than it was ???

Dan is right . Be careful with that massage thing . a little wrong twist with the law, then, end up in big trouble , may cause bad record and cost a lot of attorney money. Remember Greencard holders are deportable.

 

are you in desperate financial situation ?

pls take the time to figure out her interest , skills, and valuable skill to be developed ,etc....

 

as a lao gong , please don't let her heart crying out having to do all of these difficult work which she had not expected when she emigrated from China.

 

Please work out with your lao po how to rectify the situation in a loving way.

[amberjack1234]

Dan is right about the license and I would think that a license is required for this work in any state. Another thing is that the police, usually unscrupulous undercover officers, hit these places that they know hire illegal aliens/unlicensed people and demand sexual favors for not arresting them or turning them into ICE or both. This was reported here by a member that lives in a large community of Asian people and I can see that there is certainly room for abuse of power or position here. The massage business is a tricky one for sure. Try to tactfully steer her in some other direction. I don't have any links or proof but it is my belief that a green card holder was convicted of a felony that would be grounds for deportation. I haven't Googled it but you should.

 

Larry

[david_dawei]

Your walking a dangerous path, IMO.

 

1. Does she want to work? Is this her desire and choice?

a. If yes, why is she now in massage?

b. Does your state require credentials or a license? (if caught without one, it is not good)

2. Do you want her to work less because you understand this is her desire or only yours?

 

The gap between 1 and 2 will show you what you truly know about her and her desire to be in the US and make money (to work for money or be close to you).

 

The second part of #1 simply shows she is chasing easy money or not. Generally this job is NOT a good one for a married lady, but an easy one among chinese. She will likely hide the fact she is married and just do what is needed to get the money. If they do "table showers" at that location, I would get out immediately. If this is true, you would have to ask yourself why she has not pulled out immediately herself? There is much to be learned by the jobs they will take and the circumstances they put up with in the US.

 

Added: What Larry says is absolutely true. I was let "inside" on some of these businesses and got to see first hand. Even saw the "undercovers" arrest an unlicensed lady.

Edited April 5, 2011 by david_dawei (see edit history)

[amberjack1234]

Your walking a dangerous path, IMO.

 

1. Does she want to work? Is this her desire and choice?

a. If yes, why is she now in massage?

b. Does your state require credentials or a license? (if caught without one, it is not good)

2. Do you want her to work less because you understand this is her desire or only yours?

 

The gap between 1 and 2 will show you what you truly know about her and her desire to be in the US and make money (to work for money or be close to you).

 

The second part of #1 simply shows she is chasing easy money or not. Generally this job is NOT a good one for a married lady, but an easy one among chinese. She will likely hide the fact she is married and just do what is needed to get the money. If they do "table showers" at that location, I would get out immediately. If this is true, you would have to ask yourself why she has not pulled out immediately herself? There is much to be learned by the jobs they will take and the circumstances they put up with in the US.

 

Added: What Larry says is absolutely true. I was let "inside" on some of these businesses and got to see first hand. Even saw the "undercovers" arrest an unlicensed lady.

 

As usual David, you are spot on. I didn't say so in my first post but I use to have a good friend that I went to high school with that was an undercover agent in the SBI (State Bureau of Investigation). He has told me some whopping stories about this business. If I was that kind of character that is the end that I would love to be in.

 

Robert, I see that the new is starting to wear off and now your real training begins.

 

Larry

[chilton747]

If she does not have a license then do NOT let her step foot in the massage place again. She is breaking the law and you are an accessory. You will BOTH go to jail!!!

 

Now that I've said that, does Hui really want to work? If so, how many hours a day and how many days a week?

[C4Racer]

Arizona requires all massage therapists to be licensed.

You may not practice without one.

If she gets caught, it is considered a misdemeanor, so maybe deportation maybe not.

Care to roll the dice on that one? Deported carries a ban from the US of 10 years.

 

Here are some links for information for your state.

 

http://www.massageboard.az.gov/

 

http://www.azleg.sta...=32&DocType=ARS

 

My wife is a licensed massage therapist, about to open her own business, so this is why I know something about problems associated with this type of work.

We know some LPR's who were caught without a license, but not deported. That is not to say it could not happen, so I would not think it is worth the chance.

Even if they don't deport her, they could deny the next green card or refuse her application for citizenship. So consider things very carefully.

 

You could always send her to school to get her license, if this is what she wants to do.

Edited April 5, 2011 by C4Racer (see edit history)

[Scott@Hong]

I think the massage thing has been pretty much covered.

 

You asked for opinions so I will give you mine, You need to have a discussion with her about what SHE wants to do, work or no work, and what kind of work.

Make sure she is not doing something she dislikes because she feels like she needs to contribute more to the family income.

 

I have already had this discussion with my wife and she will not even be in the States until next month. I found out she was learning some stupid things like doing fingernails, massage and other things because the wonderful 001 website said it was easy to find work in these jobs.

My wife is a wedding organizer by trade, she loved doing it in China and we are in agreement she should look for this kind of work in the States. It is something she enjoys and loves doing and we have already discussed the income, in such that we do not need her income so no expectation of her contributing.

We have discussed if and when she starts working here, then we will shift the duties at home to balance to our respective work loads away from home.

 

Its all give and take, yes you can't see her every night when you come home if she is working, but I cannot imagine a person being couped up in the house all the time because they have no drivers license and no job, that would drive me nuts.

[RobertH]

the store were she works that is very nice. it is in the asian supermarket near our home there are no private rooms for massage all massages are given in 1 large communal room with waist high curtains are see through there are not even any beds for massage it is a strictly reflexology foot massage place with all massages be given in a massage chair.

 

there is no way in hell I would let her work in 1 of the places I thought was " special" massage place so no they don't offer table showers massage anything like that . and I spent a lot of time down there waiting for her or waiting with her when are no customers . and I would say at least 70 percent of their clients are women and 3 out of the 7 workers at the massage place are men.

 

I check with the arizona massage licensing board and I was told that a massage therapist doing a clothing on massage that a life was not necessary. I even describe the type of massage that she was doing in the man said that yes it was not needed.

 

as far is she really wants to do the massage work I think she likes a lot better then the housekeeping. she is looking into schools that are close to our home that offer 6 months to 1 year massage course. there is even a massage course offered at the local technical college that is all chinese speaking.

 

so I understand what you were all concerned about in your posts but I'm not really worried at all in that area it to pierce to be a legitimate massage parlor

 

I just miss her that's why I was asking about how to talk with her.

[chilton747]

Does she really want to work or does she feel she needs to work because money is tight? This has a lot to do with how to talk to her. If she really wants to work and make money for the family and other related expenses for China, talking to her can be difficult, that is if you want her home more. I guess it would depend on what kind of temper she has. If she has a huge temper then I can help with this. I have a lot of experience.

[RobertH]

yes she does want to work there never was a plan for just staying at home. she does have some obligations that she has to take care of in china but she's already made more than enough money to handle that for the next year. the money situation is okay were not hurting.

 

when I asked her why she wants to work so much she says we need to buy many things. she is taking driving lessons in wants to buy a car eventually.

 

her temper is okay she never has been 1 of the yelling screaming type of women she just gets really quiet.

 

and it's not that I don't want her to work It's just the hours that she has been working. I asked her to go back to being on call rather than going there and waiting for customers.

 

well look at the time I'll post more in a few minutes I have to go pick up a kid and him to school.

[chilton747]

One of the biggest things that lure Chinese to the USA is the ability to work and make money. With this new opportunity for her comes the possibility that she can work as many hours as she wants. If the job is not tiring then she will want to work more. I understand that you want her home more but she may not really understand this given the opportunity that she has now. She thinks that more money equals more good things for the family and family is number one!

My wife works days and I work nights. She is making good money now and far be it from me to try and stop her. I think it is very important to encourage her in what she wants to do. After all, it is good for the family. Perhaps she will choose to be quiet instead of raising her temper. IMO, this is a good thing.

Eastern thinking......make money and secure the future of the family. Western thinking.....spend as much time together as possible. Your western thinking will not win.

 

Good luck Robert!!!

[amberjack1234]

Robert I am glad that the massage thing is straightened out and she is in no danger of any kind. I agree with Charles about the working issues so I will just second what he has said.

 

Perhaps you will have to just grin and bear it for awhile and let her keep looking for another job that will fulfill both of your requirements. It is early yet in your marriage so take it easy and time usually will solve these problems. I am with Charles on another thing too. It is a wonderful thing that she has an even temper you should be grateful for that. Good luck.

 

Larry

[garfield529]

My wife is currently going to school full time, has a part-time job, volunteers at the hospital near my lab, and is considering working on the weekend for the Chinese language academy. I work two jobs and also have two boys from a previous marriage that we spend our free time with. Both parties in a relationship have to communicate to find the right balance or this can lead to problems, as you are starting to have. My advice would be to ask for the one day each week that you have off as your "couples" day...no work, no chores, just time together doing what you enjoy. Unless the financial situation warrants working 7 days per week, I think this type of compromise should be acceptable. Outside of your day together, you also have to support her desire to work so she feels content and supported. This is my advice, good luck!