Communcation Questions

[kowalski22]

Hello all,

 

I have a question regarding communication. Myself and Lili have known each other for just about 1.5 years. I flew to Nanning and met her last April. We communicate by email every day. We chat and Skype about 1 time a week. Lili's English is poor but has been going to classes in Nanning. I have seen some improvement. When I email I sometimes ask questions but she doesn't really answer them. Even when I would ask her about her favorite color, she really wouldn't narrow it down to one. When we use the webcam, I do most all of the talking and chatting. When she stumbles on a word, I encourage her and ask her to type it. Most of the time we just move on. All of the interaction is driven or initiated by me. Is this common or is this a red flag?? Please give me your insight...

 

Thanks.

[bullmastiff]

Hello all,

 

I have a question regarding communication. Myself and Lili have known each other for just about 1.5 years. I flew to Nanning and met her last April. We communicate by email every day. We chat and Skype about 1 time a week. Lili's English is poor but has been going to classes in Nanning. I have seen some improvement. When I email I sometimes ask questions but she doesn't really answer them. Even when I would ask her about her favorite color, she really wouldn't narrow it down to one. When we use the webcam, I do most all of the talking and chatting. When she stumbles on a word, I encourage her and ask her to type it. Most of the time we just move on. All of the interaction is driven or initiated by me. Is this common or is this a red flag?? Please give me your insight...

 

Thanks.

 

 

Have you been intimate ???

If not, then , just forget about this .

Why dont you learn Chinese ???

 

when I first met my wife , I only spoke a few words of Chinese, but I quickly learned it and become fluent . She has not learned much English though because she can communicate well with me. I become Chinese !

Edited March 7, 2011 by bullmastiff (see edit history)

[Randy W]

Hello all,

 

I have a question regarding communication. Myself and Lili have known each other for just about 1.5 years. I flew to Nanning and met her last April. We communicate by email every day. We chat and Skype about 1 time a week. Lili's English is poor but has been going to classes in Nanning. I have seen some improvement. When I email I sometimes ask questions but she doesn't really answer them. Even when I would ask her about her favorite color, she really wouldn't narrow it down to one. When we use the webcam, I do most all of the talking and chatting. When she stumbles on a word, I encourage her and ask her to type it. Most of the time we just move on. All of the interaction is driven or initiated by me. Is this common or is this a red flag?? Please give me your insight...

 

Thanks.

 

 

 

When I was a child, I was told I was "supposed" to have a favorite color. Some shades of blue, green, or blue/green are okay. Some reds are good, too.

 

If you're overly expectant of a particular level of performance from her over the webcam, I would interpret that as a red flag - for her. Seriously, use the webcam sessions for what level of communication you CAN attain with her - not for what she can't.

[dan_ling]

Why only skype once a week, she will learn English quicker with you 2 communicating on skype? She probably does not feel comfortable with her lack of English and is afraid of you thinking she is not intelligent.

[kowalski22]

Why only skype once a week, she will learn English quicker with you 2 communicating on skype? She probably does not feel comfortable with her lack of English and is afraid of you thinking she is not intelligent.

 

 

I would like for us to Skype more than once a week but she works at a hospital on 3 different shifts at different times. I never know what shift she works or when she is availible. She also has a 3 year old daughter that takes alot of time of hers. Typically she calls me on Skype when I am writing her a letter before bed.

[kowalski22]

Hello all,

 

I have a question regarding communication. Myself and Lili have known each other for just about 1.5 years. I flew to Nanning and met her last April. We communicate by email every day. We chat and Skype about 1 time a week. Lili's English is poor but has been going to classes in Nanning. I have seen some improvement. When I email I sometimes ask questions but she doesn't really answer them. Even when I would ask her about her favorite color, she really wouldn't narrow it down to one. When we use the webcam, I do most all of the talking and chatting. When she stumbles on a word, I encourage her and ask her to type it. Most of the time we just move on. All of the interaction is driven or initiated by me. Is this common or is this a red flag?? Please give me your insight...

 

Thanks.

 

 

Have you been intimate ???

If not, then , just forget about this .

Why dont you learn Chinese ???

 

when I first met my wife , I only spoke a few words of Chinese, but I quickly learned it and become fluent . She has not learned much English though because she can communicate well with me. I become Chinese !

 

 

Emotionally we are intimate in our writings. Physically, just holding hands.

[TLB]

I can't answer whether it's common, and I wouldn't say it's necessarily a red flag: this sounds like it's still a young relationship. You said you usually initiate the communication, but then you said she sometimes Skypes you, so evidently she initiates it sometimes. Her relative quietness during chatting might be because she's missing a lot of what you're saying but is embarrassed to say so. Here's my advice (worth what you're paying for it):

 

1. talk less while on Skype, don't be afraid of space in the conversation, and encourage her to talk more even if it's very simple things. You can slowly tutor her.

 

2. You say her English is poor but you're intimate via letters; be careful here, especially if she's expressing this in English. Her understanding of what certain things said in our culture would also be poor, even if she knows the words. It seems simple, but even "I love you" don't mean the same things and aren't used the same ways in these two cultures.

 

3. Begin to learn some Chinese; if you're really interested in this person you should move toward beginning to understand how she relates to her world, and that's through Chinese. Learn all you can about her culture (assuming you don't already have that understanding).

 

Good luck! Personally I don't see red flags here, unless there's more you haven't said yet (e.g., sometimes she says she'll call but doesn't, or she begins chatting with others while she's chatting with you, or goes AWOL for days at a time and you don't know why) Speaking of which, why don't you know when her shifts are? Is that because her English isn't good enough for her to tell you?

[kowalski22]

I can't answer whether it's common, and I wouldn't say it's necessarily a red flag: this sounds like it's still a young relationship. You said you usually initiate the communication, but then you said she sometimes Skypes you, so evidently she initiates it sometimes. Her relative quietness during chatting might be because she's missing a lot of what you're saying but is embarrassed to say so. Here's my advice (worth what you're paying for it):

 

1. talk less while on Skype, don't be afraid of space in the conversation, and encourage her to talk more even if it's very simple things. You can slowly tutor her.

 

2. You say her English is poor but you're intimate via letters; be careful here, especially if she's expressing this in English. Her understanding of what certain things said in our culture would also be poor, even if she knows the words. It seems simple, but even "I love you" don't mean the same things and aren't used the same ways in these two cultures.

 

3. Begin to learn some Chinese; if you're really interested in this person you should move toward beginning to understand how she relates to her world, and that's through Chinese. Learn all you can about her culture (assuming you don't already have that understanding).

 

Good luck! Personally I don't see red flags here, unless there's more you haven't said yet (e.g., sometimes she says she'll call but doesn't, or she begins chatting with others while she's chatting with you, or goes AWOL for days at a time and you don't know why) Speaking of which, why don't you know when her shifts are? Is that because her English isn't good enough for her to tell you?

 

 

Very good advice Tim. As for her shift times. It seems that they are always changing. I would think that she would be able to tell me via email fairly easy. There are times when I do not hear from her for 2 or 3 days... When I don't hear from her for a while, the second guessing begins...

[TLB]

I can't answer whether it's common, and I wouldn't say it's necessarily a red flag: this sounds like it's still a young relationship. You said you usually initiate the communication, but then you said she sometimes Skypes you, so evidently she initiates it sometimes. Her relative quietness during chatting might be because she's missing a lot of what you're saying but is embarrassed to say so. Here's my advice (worth what you're paying for it):

 

1. talk less while on Skype, don't be afraid of space in the conversation, and encourage her to talk more even if it's very simple things. You can slowly tutor her.

 

2. You say her English is poor but you're intimate via letters; be careful here, especially if she's expressing this in English. Her understanding of what certain things said in our culture would also be poor, even if she knows the words. It seems simple, but even "I love you" don't mean the same things and aren't used the same ways in these two cultures.

 

3. Begin to learn some Chinese; if you're really interested in this person you should move toward beginning to understand how she relates to her world, and that's through Chinese. Learn all you can about her culture (assuming you don't already have that understanding).

 

Good luck! Personally I don't see red flags here, unless there's more you haven't said yet (e.g., sometimes she says she'll call but doesn't, or she begins chatting with others while she's chatting with you, or goes AWOL for days at a time and you don't know why) Speaking of which, why don't you know when her shifts are? Is that because her English isn't good enough for her to tell you?

 

 

Very good advice Tim. As for her shift times. It seems that they are always changing. I would think that she would be able to tell me via email fairly easy. There are times when I do not hear from her for 2 or 3 days... When I don't hear from her for a while, the second guessing begins...

 

 

Welcome to the uncertainty of long distance relationships.

 

Each couple has its own rhythm for communicating, I think; I've seen posts from folks here and other places that talk about how they email several times a day and maybe chat, Skype or are on the phone for hours each day, every day. I couldn't do that with ANYONE! My wife and I only since my last trip are in daily communication; at the beginning it was an email a week and after the first time together (as we headed decisively toward each other) it was still only maybe 2 or 3 emails a week and one Skype or phone call a week. Maybe it's just because we're older, I don't know. Now we chat twice a day on QQ for 30-60 minutes each and skype and/or phone once a week.

 

That's just my long-winded way of saying that 2-3 days without communication is not necessarily a red flag unless it represents a significant breaking of a previous practice.

[silk53]

Is it a red flag, I could see it being no or yes. I would think if she's not understanding the English, she may not know what to do. I know with my wife, we both have used electronic dictionaries we have and also internet sites for translations. I learned the hard way to be careful of their translations though. I still remember the first phone call to Wang Fu. We spoke maybe 10 minutes and I might have understood about 1/4th of what she said. Once she got a computer, we would have Skype and QQ going. Talking in Skype and typing in QQ. As we encountered words we didn't know, we would send and translate. There have been plenty of times where we have just sat there and sent little pictures back and forth on QQ with nothing being said. Over time, her English has gotten much better and now she talks a lot more. She still gets frustrated when I don't understand her, but she's much more comfortable and talks more now. As TLB suggested, don't be afraid of the time on the phone not talking. I have come to love our picture sending game on QQ and even miss it a very tiny bit as we talk more. It was still a way of communicating, just not verbally or written. I do think my wife really dislikes it when she can't talk English and can't tell me what she is thinking. Sometimes, I get yelled at because of her frustration. I've learned to see it and just quietly try to encourage her. Not being able to speak can be very frustrating.

[pbatt]

Some good advice has been offered here already. Sometimes I have found that some Chinese people are embassaed to speak English as they are afraid they are not pronunciating it correctly. This was true of many of my Chinese students in Singapore when I taught spoken English there.

Even my own spoken Chinese needs improvement. There are many websites to learn to speak Chinese as well as to help improve her English. I have found even with Google translate that after I translate from English to Simplified Chinese, I then translate the Simplified Chinese to English to make sure the meanings I wanted to convey are correct. English-Chinese and Chinese-English are two of the harder Languages to translate.

You are in the earlier stages of developing your relationship, enjoy it and you will have many memories of this down the road.

 

I am in Guilin now but will return home in a few hours, if you wish, PM me and I can send you a link to a website that helps you learn some spoken Chinese,it is free and has helped me.

 

Good Luck with all.

[xiaozhu]

I thought my English was good when I met my husband. But from his view, my English was..... :-)). So I consciously work on it whenever I can while in China and USA, and many times I feel I miss Chinese language after talking English too much for a while. He always encourages me and says "I saw some improvement". Till now, I still work on it and I think it will be life-time learning. My husband has been learning some Chinese but it seems much harder for him because he does not use Chinese in his daily life, unlike me. If you love her, give her sometime and encouragement. She will catch up. It is not that easy to handle another language easily especially when you pass the best age of language learning. Certainly, if she loves you, she definitely is willing to improve her English. It is a foundation in a cross-country relationship.

[david_dawei]

In the current visa climate... I just have a bad feeling about what your relationship is like. I am not sure how to put it otherwise.

 

You should look at the replies to email; are they much better at explaining her thought than skype sessions? If yes, she has someone else writing them.

 

There is no need for so much work in a relationship that GUZ may not believe anyways.

 

I will give my honest truth; sorry in advance: WALK AWAY. I say that based on read between many lines... but don't listen to me if you don't want to, I'll accept your should do what you want. Good luck

[Randy W]

In the current visa climate... I just have a bad feeling about what your relationship is like. I am not sure how to put it otherwise.

 

You should look at the replies to email; are they much better at explaining her thought than skype sessions? If yes, she has someone else writing them.

 

There is no need for so much work in a relationship that GUZ may not believe anyways.

 

I will give my honest truth; sorry in advance: WALK AWAY. I say that based on read between many lines... but don't listen to me if you don't want to, I'll accept your should do what you want. Good luck

 

 

 

David raises a good point, but you are the only one in a position to judge. Does she seem different between the emails, Skype, and in person? She may just be shy, or reluctant to use what English she knows. If she seems different from one email to the next, she may just be using different translators.

 

Then again, David may be right.

 

My advice is to have her enter her own emails, in Chinese. This will eliminate the need for a translator - you can then use an online translator such as Google or Babelfish. You can add punctuation and re-phrasing as necessary until you are comfortable with the translation. She can do the same at her end. This also applies for IM's

[david_dawei]

Randy... thanks for your more tempered approach. Maybe something more can be gleaned by working through the situation. Good suggestions.