Injecting chinese culture into a marriage

[bsmith]

Hello evryone, I would like to ask a few questions here, I have a long ongoing relationship with a chinese woman, We have filled her I-19f petition and Ect. I am somewhat versed in chinese culture and history, And when we marry and she comes here I would like for her to be able to inject some of her culture into our marriage, As you all know, She is giving away everything in her life, Everything she has ever known to be with me, So I want her to ba as comfortable as possible when she arrives,

What is some good cultural aspects of chinese culture that I could place in our marriage to make her comfortable? I would like to do some things on my own to show her I am trying, And I am good with anything she would lke to do?

[david_dawei]

oh boy... this is practically a lead-in to a thread I was debating not posting.

 

Lulu asked me why american husbands are so controlling and why they don't like to listen to their wife?

 

I asked where she heard that and she said she decided to read some posts on 001 to see what ladies are talking about

 

I laughed and told her the top three issues I could guess and then she asked me how I knew that... I said if you listen enough you hear common complaints from chinese ladies. Here are the three I have in mind:

1. Stuck at home. This really can hurt their self-esteem since they are used to being in control; do as they want, when they want and now they are stuck in a home. Their sense of self-worth and self-security can cause them to become depressed. This is probably the hardest issue to fix since most guys go to work away from the home and having time to meet their deepest needs is not understood; to not be stuck at home.

 

2. Doesn't listen to her. I don't mean a communication issue like sitting down to listen; I mean chinese marriage style where the wife runs the money and the marriage. When she says something she expects action; you should be doing something instead of asking. American men have a habit of wanting to know everything and so ask lots of questions. Many chinese ladies are not used to this and see it as an inability to interpret what to "do". Apparently one lady posted on 001 that the only time she can get away from his questioning is by going to the bathroom

 

3. Doesn't really take care of her in what she needs. This pulls in #1 and #2 but keeps going outward like ripples. The really big one is; If she has a baby, she may expect someone to take care of her for one month. For some, this is more serious than anything you may encounter in life and it's the very thing most American men do not concern nor are capable of providing.

[TLB]

Hello evryone, I would like to ask a few questions here, I have a long ongoing relationship with a chinese woman, We have filled her I-19f petition and Ect. I am somewhat versed in chinese culture and history, And when we marry and she comes here I would like for her to be able to inject some of her culture into our marriage, As you all know, She is giving away everything in her life, Everything she has ever known to be with me, So I want her to ba as comfortable as possible when she arrives,

What is some good cultural aspects of chinese culture that I could place in our marriage to make her comfortable? I would like to do some things on my own to show her I am trying, And I am good with anything she would lke to do?

 

 

 

Haha, I don't think she will have trouble "injecting" her Chinese-ness into your marriage at all!

 

David's posting (as always) gives much to consider -- and please David, post that thread already! (stop debating!)

 

Addressing DD's points:

1. Stuck at home. This is very interesting I think; I'd love to hear others' experiences here. I would assume that learning to drive and having an available car would prove immensely liberating -- is that what you all have experienced with your wives that have come to the West?

 

2. Doesn't listen to her. This is difficult for husbands who want a relationship between equals (and that would include I think most American men). The dividing up of areas of authority is an important topic but probably will be learned slowly. My wife (she's still in China) is pretty traditional in her ways, and that means she wants me to listen to her when she tells me to do something (usually involving my health, sleeping, eating, etc.); but when it comes to things like arranging for our trips together, that is my deal, and my early attempts to, say, send her photos of various hotels to get her feedback only annoyed her. I thought her "you do it, whatever you do is fine with me" was just talk; it seems she really wants me to decide those things. I'm still learning, but slowly... B)

 

3. Doesn't take care of her in what she needs. This one scares me, in that I'm still just learning what she needs, and where she wants authority (or at least negotiation) and where she doesn't want it (either because it should be her call or it should be mine and she doesn't want to be bothered about it). I have definitely noticed that she pays close attention to me when we're together and has already learned an astonishing amount about me; I think she wants that in return, and have seen some evidence to support that notion.

 

Having said that, if she comes to America and weds an American man, she needs to understand that things won't be just as they would with a Chinese man. If she doesn't get that, you will have to become who she wants you to be, or there will be a rocky future. Some people are more flexible than others.

 

I think it's a great thing that you're asking these questions and it looks like your intentions are true and heartfelt. That's a good start.

[C4Racer]

oh boy... this is practically a lead-in to a thread I was debating not posting.

 

Lulu asked me why american husbands are so controlling and why they don't like to listen to their wife?

 

I asked where she heard that and she said she decided to read some posts on 001 to see what ladies are talking about

 

I laughed and told her the top three issues I could guess and then she asked me how I knew that... I said if you listen enough you hear common complaints from chinese ladies. Here are the three I have in mind:

1. Stuck at home. This really can hurt their self-esteem since they are used to being in control; do as they want, when they want and now they are stuck in a home. Their sense of self-worth and self-security can cause them to become depressed. This is probably the hardest issue to fix since most guys go to work away from the home and having time to meet their deepest needs is not understood; to not be stuck at home.

 

2. Doesn't listen to her. I don't mean a communication issue like sitting down to listen; I mean chinese marriage style where the wife runs the money and the marriage. When she says something she expects action; you should be doing something instead of asking. American men have a habit of wanting to know everything and so ask lots of questions. Many chinese ladies are not used to this and see it as an inability to interpret what to "do". Apparently one lady posted on 001 that the only time she can get away from his questioning is by going to the bathroom

 

3. Doesn't really take care of her in what she needs. This pulls in #1 and #2 but keeps going outward like ripples. The really big one is; If she has a baby, she may expect someone to take care of her for one month. For some, this is more serious than anything you may encounter in life and it's the very thing most American men do not concern nor are capable of providing.

 

 

Yes, it is important for the wife to be able to inject some Chinese ideas into the marriage.

 

It is also critical for the husband to be involved in the marriage. By this I mean fully involved. You are already on your way because you are searching for how to do this before she comes to the US.

I will respond to David's points and show how I worked on these problems.

 

1. First off, know who you married. Is she a city gal or is she a country gal? Chances are if you met online she will be a city gal. You can't expect her to sit home while husband is working. She will be bored to death and will not feel she is participating in the marriage. I signed my wife up for ESL classes downtown, bought her a monthly bus pass and showed her how to ride the bus/light rail around Portland. She went to class four days a week. This got her out of the house and major side effect is she made some friends. She was also able to go anywhere she wanted on bus or light rail. Within a month she had a job.

 

2. Listen to her very carefully. You don't need to relinquish the finances to her, but you had better listen. My wife hates paying the bank for anything. This means get rid of the credit cards. Go onto a cash only basis. This is the way they live in China, this is the way they will expect finances here to be handled. We came to a compromise. I hold two credit cards. Delta Sky miles Gold Card. The biggest reason she agreed to this was the way I handle payments. It is paid off at the end of every month so we pay zero in finance charges. The second bonus is that it brought her parents here for $60. Can't beat that. She has her way with our finances and she has her parents here. Now I am not saying this will work for your marriage as every marriage and each Chinese lady is different. The key here is to listen very carefully to what your wife needs. She is a Chinese Lady, she will not be bashful about telling you.

 

3. Take care of what she needs. Absolutely, another key factor in a successful marriage. You may not need to take care of her for one month after baby. Again, each lady if different. My wife went back to work within a week or two after our first was born. She plans on returning to school less than a week after our second. I do have to be a very active Dad. I am involved in his feeding and changing his diapers. On weekends I let my wife have an afternoon of sleep. I take care of everything the baby needs. Food, changing and rocking to sleep. Again, talk with your wife and listen to what she needs. Many Chinese ladies think she is crazy not to rest for at least a month.

 

gotta go.. have to burp the baby.....

[pkfops]

You've got nothing to worry about.

[amberjack1234]

1. Stuck at home. This really can hurt their self-esteem since they are used to being in control; do as they want, when they want and now they are stuck in a home. Their sense of self-worth and self-security can cause them to become depressed. This is probably the hardest issue to fix since most guys go to work away from the home and having time to meet their deepest needs is not understood; to not be stuck at home.

 

2. Apparently one lady posted on 001 that the only time she can get away from his questioning is by going to the bathroom

 

 

 

David is certainly one of the most knowledgeable posters on this forum that is for sure. He know his stuff when it comes to Chinese culture and wimmen. I had to say a couple of things though.

 

1. My wife is completely different. I think that I could nail 3/4' sheets of plywood over all of the doors and windows from the outside with her inside and she would be very happy and content as long as she had some way of getting food. It pains her to no end to leave her home and when we come back, even from the grocery store, she says "do you smell that it's the smell of home". We are getting close". One thing is that I have been retired now for about 13 years so I am here with her all of the time.

 

2. Now I know why she spends about 3 hours per day in the bathroom. I was beginning to think that Jody was in there.

 

Larry

[david_dawei]

1. Stuck at home. This really can hurt their self-esteem since they are used to being in control; do as they want, when they want and now they are stuck in a home. Their sense of self-worth and self-security can cause them to become depressed. This is probably the hardest issue to fix since most guys go to work away from the home and having time to meet their deepest needs is not understood; to not be stuck at home.

 

2. Apparently one lady posted on 001 that the only time she can get away from his questioning is by going to the bathroom

 

 

 

David is certainly one of the most knowledgeable posters on this forum that is for sure. He know his stuff when it comes to Chinese culture and wimmen. I had to say a couple of things though.

 

1. My wife is completely different. I think that I could nail 3/4' sheets of plywood over all of the doors and windows from the outside with her inside and she would be very happy and content as long as she had some way of getting food. It pains her to no end to leave her home and when we come back, even from the grocery store, she says "do you smell that it's the smell of home". We are getting close". One thing is that I have been retired now for about 13 years so I am here with her all of the time.

 

2. Now I know why she spends about 3 hours per day in the bathroom. I was beginning to think that Jody was in there.

 

Larry

 

yes, good point... I was making a 'generalization'; wasn't thinking for the 13 year retired folks

 

But, in all honesty, I know that Lulu is actually the same way as your wife. She has no motive and agenda towards wanting to work. She would like to stay at home and the fact that I work out of my house didn't change her mind

 

So, as with many issues, there is some qualification and variation to these issues. But in general, if your chinese better half talks about wanting to work or plans to work, then you may find they have some feelings if 'stuck at home' occurs. This has been a often mentioned topic over the years, so it should be taken with some consideration.

 

But the bottom line is this: You really need to know her. Then you will know what issues you can prepare for and consider what to DO....