Adjusting to life here

[robhon]

As the time draws near for Youyue to come here I'm getting more concerned about what I can do to make her more comfortable with the whole transition. It's going to be a big change for her. I'd love to hear what others have experienced with this issue.

[AngryTexan]

Wow, where does one begin with this one............ ?

[tywy_99]

Wow, where does one begin with this one............ ?    

One day at a time, sprinkled with understanding and smothered in patience........

[Guest Long_strider]

The things that have been mentioned above have been very important in our transition.

 

Maintaining communication with friends and family have been critiical. As has been suggested, having internet access with a computer in the home is important. I purchased a video camera to attached to the computer also.

Something she has used extensively is to take pictures with a digital camera and send them to her family.

 

A phone card is also important. Another thing I would suggest is her having her own cell phone, if possible.

 

CCTV can be accessed through the internet, but if you have cable with some Chinese stations that would be helpful.

 

One of the most helpful things for my wife was arranging for ESL classes. In these classes she met several other people who recently came from China. This helped her to establish some new friends in a comfortable setting. They also shared experiences and resoureces that they have discovered.

 

In some larger cities there is a Chinese Association and several publications in Chinese. These might be available in or near your community.

 

If she is not driving, one thing that my wife asked me to do is take her on several buses throughout the city so that she was comfortable with the public transportation system and felt a sense of independence. The Transit system in our city did have some of the schedules in Chinese.

 

 

Mi

[tonado]

Michael,

 

My wife is taking ESL classes at the Asian American Civic Association (280 Tremont St in Boston). They offered 5 different ESL classes.

[carhil24]

Okay Rob, here you go, the 9 letters of HAPPINESS:

 

H for HOME: I know it's already been said many times in this forum, and even on this thread, but you cannot overestimate the importance of your home to your coming fiancee/bride. Do whatever it takes to ensure that it is clean when she arrives. Do it yourself, hire a cleaning service or a maid, whatever, but make sure that it is clean upon her arrival. And not just clean, but uncluttered. Bachelors have a tendency to accumulate things, and keep things in disorganized (although we know where to find it) piles scattered around in various locations of the home. Women, in general, tend to have a place for everything, and generally every place is neat and tidy. Make sure you have lots of extra hangers (and no, guys, door knobs, chair backs, and bed posts are not considered hangers), on-hand cleaning materials, and plastic bags to throw out the trash ("your stuff"). Also, be prepared to give up the drawers (before my wife came, I had 11 drawers of things, now I have 2 (of course, she has the other 9 ).

 

A for AQUAINTANCES: If you haven't already done so, try to meet some other Chinese/American or Chinese couples in your area. During the time I was waiting for my wife, I met several couples, and by the time she got here, I had quite a few people waiting and wanting to meet her. So when she arrived, she already had a built-in network of possible friends, and today several of these people are our very good friends. You cannot underestimate the importance (especially if she doesn't speak much English) of her having friends and people she can converse with in her own language. I think that more than anything else, this helps eases the fears and concerns she might have about coming to America. It is a very big help for her to see and meet other Chinese people who have immigrated to America and are enjoying a happy life.

 

P for PREPARATION: Above all, make sure that you have prepared everything to the best of your ability, down to the smallest of details. This will help her make her feel less insecure during those first few weeks. Remember, she is leaving her own country (probably for the very first time) and everything and everyone she knows, and coming to a place where she doesn't know anyone and has very little understanding of life in America. When speaking with other Chinese/American couples, this is one of the items brought up by the Chinese wives, that is, how secure their husbands made them feel upon arrival. It seems to me (and please, if any Chinese women are reading this, correct me if I am wrong) that most Chinese women consider security to be more important than romance. I don't mean to insinuate that they are more concerned about money rather than love, but instead, that they are more concerned about the ability of the man to take care of them, rather than the age difference, looks or lack thereof, or material possessions. Oftentimes I ask my wife why does a 30-something Chinese woman marry a 50-something (or older) man, and she replies that Chinese women feel more secure with someone who is somewhat older than them. You will find out that above everything else, your Chinese wife is a very practical person.

 

P for PATIENCE: Guys, this is something that most of us have to work on. In general, we are not very patient people, especially here in America. We are used to instant-gratification, and have a very poor track record when it comes to waiting for something. Don't expect your wife to come to America and instantly fit in, it rarely happens. When she first arrives, you can probably look forward to 3 or 4 weeks of a combination of jet-lag, time-difference, homesickness, culture shock, etc. And during that time, she will undoubtedly be overly-tired, unexplicably moody, and occasionally short-tempered. In short, she might not be that always-smiling, full of energy, happy with life lady you met when you visited her in China. Be patient and don't give up or think that you made a bad choice! That same lady that you were willing to cross so many BCIS hurdles for, and endure countless days feeling helpless because of the seemingly never-ending wait, is still there somewhere! Give her time, and the lady you fell in love with will emerge and then you will know that your life has changed for the better. Those first few weeks will take an enormous amount of patience on your part, and if you have it, your relationship in America will be off to a very smooth start.

 

I for INVOLVMENT: If at all possible (and I know that it is difficult because a lot of us take a lot of time off work going to China to bring our fiancees/wives back after the interview) try to take a couple of weeks off upon her arrival. When your wife/fiancee first arrives, you will need to be very involved in every aspect of your lives together. By this I mean, you will have to spend a lot of time together, showing and instructing her in a variety of areas you might have never thought of. Things that we take for granted, she may not know, such as the operation of the washer-dryer, microwave, telephone, computer, etc. And if she does not speak very much English, she will have trouble understanding the labels on food, cleaning materials, etc. For a while, it will seem as if you are teaching a child, and will require your complete involvment, as well as the afore-mentioned patience. Don't expect her to know which food products need to be refrigerated after opening, or which food items cannot be refrozen after thawing. Don't expect her to know how to operate the range, the heat pump, or even the vacuum cleaner. All of this will require your involvment at first. And be careful, because sometimes you will fall into the trap of treating your fiancee/wife like a child, when in fact obviously she is not. My wife is very intelligent in areas that I am just a dummy in, and I am constantly in awe of her knowledge of herbs and foods and the benefits and preparation of such. But at the same time, while we were helping our friends in their Chinese restaurant one day, I realized too late that she did not know how to shut the spigot off on the 30-gallon coffee urn, and the result was a lot of coffee on the floor! Or the time when she used baking soda instead of corn starch for the coating for pork for a dish similar to sweet and sour pork (she saw me use the white stuff in the yellow box and thought it was the same stuff ). But these are the kinds of times that really enrich our lives, and we still laugh about them! For awhile guys, your lives will be turned upside-down, but I for one would not trade it for all of the money in the world!

 

N for NECESSITIES: A rice steamer, a good wok (not the electric-type that plug in, but a real Chinese wok), and other Chinese cooking-utensils are what first come to my mind. A Chinese knife (what we call a cleaver) and a chopping board/block are definite necessities. Remember guys, the phone number of the nearest pizza place on a refrigerator magnet will not be considered food preparation once your wife arrives. Other suggestions, maybe not necessities, but important none the less: New towels and wash cloths, new bedsheets and bedding, and maybe a new set of pots and pans or dishes (Chinet doesn't count ). Generally, it will be a good idea to wait before purchasing most of this, since she will undoubtedly know what she wants, and when she feels up to it, take her on a major shopping trip. Remember, you will also need things that you have never needed before, I hope, such as feminine hygiene products, and various other toiletries that we guys have no idea the purpose of, but what our wives consider to be a necessity.

 

E for ENGLISH: This has already been mentioned previously, but it is important to remember. I am not sure which is more important, the driver's license or English lessons, but both of them will rank way up there in terms of importance to your wife/fiancee. My wife, who could not speak much English when she arrived, told me early on that "in America, if you cannot speak English, it is like you have no tongue, and if you cannot drive, it is like you have no legs." When she told me that one day, it really helped me to understand the feeling of helplessness our wives/fiancees probably feel upon first arriving to America. Especially when you realize that most Chinese women are very productive-minded, and it is very hard to be productive in America if you cannot drive or speak English. Prior to her coming, you need to look into ESL classes if available, or ESL courses and books that can be bought via the Internet. There are a lot of good resources out there, especially if you live a the larger metropolitan areas with a large Chinese population.

 

S for SHOPPING: You cannot underestimate the importance of finding a good, clean Asian Supermarket near your home. Unfortunately, where I live, the closest one for us is 2-1/2 hours away, but because my work takes me there rather often, we tend to make the trip at least two times a month, sometimes more. Most of these markets will have the vegetables and food products that cannot be found in the normal grocery stores we used to visit, and your wife/fiancee will be able for the most part, find the same type of products she was able to find in her city. And if your wife is from the north, like mine is, and craves really hot, spicy food, then try to find a Korean market as well. When we go on these shopping trips together, I am pretty much the cartman, I follow her and push the cart, and she fills it up with all types of food, some of which is still unrecognizable to me. Usually, by the time it ends up on our dinner table, it is very delicious, and for the most part I don't need to know exactly what it was. What you don't know, won't hurt you, right?

 

S for SPECIAL: I will finish this up by reminding you that the reason you went to all of this trouble with the BCIS and GZ, is because you met a very special woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with. She is unique in the fact that she loves you so much she is willing to give up everything and everyone for the unknown. Her friends, her family, her country, her culture, all left behind for you. Sometimes just thinking about that should cause you to understand the immense responsibility you must undertake when you ask your fiancee/wife to join you in America. It is a responsibility that cannot be taken lightly, and occasionally I read some posts where I am not certain that sometimes us guys totally understand this. Never, ever underestimate the value of what your fiancee/wife has given up for you, and in order to do so, she has to be a very special person. Remember when the moods are not always upbeat, the smiles are not always there, and the relationship is not always perfect, your wife is still that very, very special person who was willing to give up everything for you. And be very, very thankful, because that is such a rare quality in today's world. You have a very SPECIAL woman, so make sure that everyday she knows that you consider her to be more SPECIAL than anyother woman in the world. If you can do this, she will make your life more special than you had ever thought possible. I know, because my wife is, and my life is.

 

Thanks for listening, and I wish you, and all of you who are eagerly waiting the arrival of your wife/fiancee, the very best of life.

[BillT]

Carl/Hongyu -

 

Thank you very much for sharing your insightful thoughts with us. You've verbalized many things we really need to know. And knowing that this is from your own real-life experience makes it even more valuable.

 

Thanks!

Bill and Fengjuan

[frank1538]

Wow, Carl . If ever there was a primer on this subject, this is it. Fantastic advice for one and all. Is there a Chapter 2?

[Tom]

EXCELLENT post Carl. Very well stated.

[carhil24]

Is there a Chapter 2?

Don't know, chapter 1 wore me out!

[Martytb]

Wonderful advice!!!!!

[Robert S.]

Not that I disagree with the advice given but let me take each one point by point to show how they are not as critically important as some would believe, so that there is really very little to worry about.

 

>>1) Yan likes to use the computer--she wants one here...In CHINESE (not dificult)

 

My Ping is 43 and has expressed a faint desire to use a computer, someday, so I will get an in-home network at some point.

 

>>2) Yan is very close to her sister and family -- she will be wanting to talk with them on the phone often

 

Very easy to buy phone cards with good connections and they are so cheap.

 

>>3) Yan is timid to make friends here -- I am already making arangements for her to make new Chinese friends in Boston.

 

She might say she is timid but that is only a worry on her part and not a reality: the Chinese have this incredible togetherness that will instantly click in when she meets any Chinese people.

 

>>4) Yan *may* be a little uncomfortable to live in MY house -- I told her that I need her help to redecorate.

 

She will take it over and make it hers so fast she will not have time to be uncomfortable.

 

>>5) Yan wants to learn-to-drive -- I have made arrangements

 

Having grown up in China and riding in vehicles there her sense of timing will be acute. Ping is making me drive more crazy like the style back home. Sometimes she will laugh and call out "China people coming!!!"

 

>>6) FOOD is very important in the Chinese culture. Scope out every Chinese grocery store and ask opinions of which one is best (not hard for you in Berkley)

 

If she can really cook then she will make a hot dog seem Chinese. You guys should see the fancy cutting Ping puts on one. We don't have a Chinese grocery here, only a Korean one, but with her herbs and spices these ladies can make Chinese food out of any basic ingredients.

 

>>7) There is a satellite service by which we can receive Chinese broadcasts (the same favorite shows she enjoys in China) here. I don't have details yet ...

 

Ping has done just fine with absolutely no Chinese TV for nine months.

 

>>8) Long_strider noted a glaring ommision in my list --ESL classes!!! I guess Yan and I have talked too much about this. It's an excellent way to meet fellow countrymen. And if she wants to teach/tutor Chinese in the town...great!

 

My wife went to ESL class twice and quit. It was geared for Mexicans. She was not learning anything anyway there. She has learned a great deal, from me, and is actually starting to learn about the basic grammar.

 

>>9) In Boston, there is the CSSA (a national organization-- Chinese Students and Scholars Assoc.) This is an excellent way to have a Chinese individual meet new and interesting people in the area.

 

It is really great that your lady is on that kind of educational level where she would feel some rapport for these kinds of people. Ping's best China lady friend here, Mick's wife Li, is a college graduate and she gets along great with her, but my lion lady is not intimidated by anyone. It is amazing how strong these ladies are. Never forget that. You will see. The only worry is to keep them from pushing themselves too hard.

[Cat&Rat]

WOW, let me repeat myself WOW. Thanks so much Carl!!! You really sum it up well.

Again Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Ratman

[Stats]

Wow, Carl .  If ever there was a primer on this subject, this is it.  Fantastic advice for one and all.  Is there a Chapter 2?

I agree what an awesome post! Thanks Car!

[Stats]

>>7) There is a satellite service by which we can receive Chinese broadcasts (the same favorite shows she enjoys in China) here. I don't have details yet ...

 

Ping has done just fine with absolutely no Chinese TV for nine months. 

I am happy for her. In my case, I have no problem subscribing to the ZTV Mandarin channel on Time Warner. That is, as soon as she gets here.

 

A few bucks a month is meaningless considering the fact that she can enjoy her native language TV while I am at work. My $.02 USD