Step Daughter Lonely

[Auggie]

I am about to send my wife and step daughters AOS, AP & EAD in. Their K1/K2 visa's expires tomorrow (10/13). My step daughter is having a very difficult time in school and she's also very lonely, she wants to go back to China. I want her to stay here but I also want her to be happy. If she goes back to China will there be a problem because her visa has expired or do I need to get her travel permit 1st? I am hoping that she will stay and time will help us work through this. Any advise will truly be appreciated.

 

Auggie & Lancy

[warpedbored]

A K-1 / k-2 is a single entry visa. If she leaves the US before AOS is completed without advanced parole she will not be able to re-enter the country. You haven't mentioned where you live. Is there no other Chinese teen agers in your area? Personally I think you need to go the extra mile to help her find people she can relate to. You're the one who brought her here away from her family and friends.

[Randy W]

I am about to send my wife and step daughters AOS, AP & EAD in. Their K1/K2 visa's expires tomorrow (10/13). My step daughter is having a very difficult time in school and she's also very lonely, she wants to go back to China. I want her to stay here but I also want her to be happy. If she goes back to China will there be a problem because her visa has expired or do I need to get her travel permit 1st? I am hoping that she will stay and time will help us work through this. Any advise will truly be appreciated.

 

Auggie & Lancy

 

 

No - she can leave at any time - no permit is needed. Like Carl says, though, the problem would be if she decides to come back.

 

Maybe you can convince her to stay until you can get the re-entry (advance parole) permit for her.

[knloregon]

"..... Is there no other Chinese teen agers in your area? Personally I think you need to go the extra mile to help her find people she can relate to. You're the one who brought her here away from her family and friends....."

 

DOUBLE + on that advice.. She's only 13, she needs friend who speak her language in the short term... (3-4 years) ... as she assimilates, it will be easier. Good Question: Where do you live? Are there no Chinese near by?

 

Given the visa problems, would no send her back to China at this time... keep her opportunities open-----but get her into a setting with other Chinese kids her age---even if its only a few.

[Guest Pommey]

tough one, adjusting can be hard enough,but for young teenagers it can be really hard. How good is her english?

why is she not making friends ? she needs to get involved in "groups" sports,music,computers,girl scouts etc, whatever her thing is.

Certainly mixing with other chinese would help,but thats not always possible depending on were you live,but I would suggest you explore this vigiously.

 

Returning before AP would be a mistake

 

good luck

[Auggie]

Thanks for the support, we live in rural Montana. There aren't to many Chinese people in our town. This was one of the major things we've discussed with each other before we married, was the adjustments that we will both have to make when they moved to the US. I know it is hard for my stepdaughter at this time, I'm trying to find tutors and support groups and the school is working with us the best they can. Her english is fair, but there is a communication problem. She is reluctant to ask questions because she doesn't want to lose face. Very different than american kids. She does have passing grades in all but one class and that class is PE. She is not very athletic. So, she feels like a failure even though the teachers give her special support and even with the special support she doesn't want to be treated special. This is what we want more than anything is for her to stay. She is an awesome kid and I love her with all my heart. I feel time is what is needed, time to adjust, time to adjust to her loneliness (if that's possible). I feel she is like all 16 year old kids, american or chinese, a very difficult age. Keep us in your prayers.

 

Auggie & Lancy

[dnoblett]

"..... Is there no other Chinese teen agers in your area? Personally I think you need to go the extra mile to help her find people she can relate to. You're the one who brought her here away from her family and friends....."

 

DOUBLE + on that advice.. She's only 13, she needs friend who speak her language in the short term... (3-4 years) ... as she assimilates, it will be easier. Good Question: Where do you live? Are there no Chinese near by?

 

Given the visa problems, would no send her back to China at this time... keep her opportunities open-----but get her into a setting with other Chinese kids her age---even if its only a few.

I will second that one too, you need to seek out ans socialize with others in your area, my Yu got home-sick a month or so after entry to the USA, however we have made many Chinese friends locally and she has people to chat with every day now.

 

Step daughter needs to develop a new social circle.

[warpedbored]

Perhaps you could move to another city. Bozeman, Billlings, even Missoula should have some Chinese people.

[Jeff n Jianli]

I feel for you and your stepdaughter. I wish we lived closer so that maybe my wife and her could give each other some comfort.

 

There are many members here who have step children like yours. Maybe we should encourage them to become chat friends so that they can share experiences and find ways to help each other cope.

 

Adjusting to change is not easy for children, especially at her age. When your wife feels homesick she has you to give her comfort and to hold at night, your daughter has no one.

[wood57]

Depending on where you are. My wife and stepson got me started playing badminton. ( not the outdoor one but indoor). Im sure your find some Chinese at these places You can learn as a family and most people who play are frindly.

 

http://www.northwestbadminton.org/montana.php

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00EO-cBr6CU...feature=channel

[Auggie]

Just a little update, we've been working on my stepdaughters loniness and school issues. In fact we did meet another foriegn exchange student from China in her high school and he has been over our house several times and he's been going through similar feelings and in some ways I think it may be harder for him, at least my stepdaughter has her mom here. This boy seems to feel more comfortable here at our house and it helps out our situation too. As far as doing things with my stepdaughter and wife we've been playing tennis, bowling, cards and yesterday me and my stepdaughter baked a cake (that was new for both of us). This evening we will have the foriegn exchange students host family over for supper. So, things have been going better, but by no way are we out of the woods. So thanks for all your support and keep praying for us.

 

Auggie & Lancy

[amberjack1234]

Just a little update, we've been working on my stepdaughters loniness and school issues. In fact we did meet another foriegn exchange student from China in her high school and he has been over our house several times and he's been going through similar feelings and in some ways I think it may be harder for him, at least my stepdaughter has her mom here. This boy seems to feel more comfortable here at our house and it helps out our situation too. As far as doing things with my stepdaughter and wife we've been playing tennis, bowling, cards and yesterday me and my stepdaughter baked a cake (that was new for both of us). This evening we will have the foriegn exchange students host family over for supper. So, things have been going better, but by no way are we out of the woods. So thanks for all your support and keep praying for us.

 

Auggie & Lancy

That's great news. I am so glad things have improved. I am sure it makes things between you and your wife better too.

 

Larry

[nandj]

I have just the opposite problem; "THE STEPSON FROM HELL !!!"

 

I am wishing he WOULD want to go back to China. My friends try to tell me it is a cultural thing, but this kid was miserable in China and he has brought his misery here. I had hoped coming here would wake him up and show him how fortunate he really is to be here, but he just doesnt get it.

 

I told my wife this kid was going to a therapist because he needs it badly. Has anyone experience a similar situation with their step-children and found a resonable solution ( other than deportation ) ???

[Auggie]

I know it's been awhile since I've given any updates. Yilan (my stepdaughter) is doing a lot better now. I always felt that time and patients would help, and it did. But, she still misses China and so does her mom. We plan on going back once a year if possible. She is doing a lot better in school now, her last report card she was at a 2.0 GPA and now she is at a 3.5 GPA. I'm very proud of her We talk a lot about school, friends, activities and cultural differences and we have met more chinese people in our area. Lancy (my wife) has started some volunteer work at a retirement center, she'll also be taking her test for a driving permit. But we'll wait until spring before she takes her driving test (too icy up her in Montana). So, life has been good and continues to get better, I know we'll have our ups and downs but together there is nothing we can't overcome!

 

We got a great Christmas gift yesterday, we recieved our notice that thier Green Cards have been approved and they should get the actual card in 3 weeks. As we looked at timelines we were not expecting anything until April, wow only a little over 2 months! Awesome surprise!!!!

 

Well, we'll keep you folks posted how things are going with our little family. We also want to thank everyone for all the help and support. So, we wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a joyous New Year!!!

 

Auggie, Lancy and Yilan

[Robert S.]

Wow, thanks for the excellent update! I am so glad your little pioneer is doing better. She must be a gutsy young lady. That is great that they have their GC now or will in a few days. That will make them feel better as well.