need help, confusing.

[mood]

hey guys,its my first time to be here,i have been browsed this forum for weeks,i really like to know whats your opinion about a relationship.

 

here is my situation.

 

i met a guy via internet,he is 39years old.we spend wonderful time to chat and share everything for like 1year.

 

from over 3months ago we kind of thinking about maybe we could be together.

 

but since we havent meet in person yet,so he keep telling me that its very hard for him to really love some1 that never meet in real life,he needs to touch and to feel she is a real person,so that he can really be ready to start a relationship,

 

im 27 years old,not little girl so i think it does make sense so i said ok .

 

later we talk about when he is gonna come over here to meet me,in my opinion we need meet in person as soon as possible,i dont wanna wast our time if we cant get along very well in real life ,we better move on,right?so i think to meet in person as soon as possible is the best.

 

he lose his job couple months ago,we dicided after he find a job then he could know when we can meet in person.

 

now he still looking for job,and we talk with each other everyday online.the more we chat the more i like him,he feel the same way but still think its not a real relationship.

 

the problem is ,we keep calling each other honey or baby or something like that,he did tell me that he loves me,loves me so much.and we also talk about the wedding ,wedding dress and kids,family stuff ,all things about future. i even ask him if he is serious about us ,he said yes he does want us to make it,he does want to marry me,so after these sweet chat ,i feel maybe we can start the relationship right now,but when i asked him about this yesterday,he said no.we are not lover yet.he keep telliing me just go with the flow,i feel he is perfunctory.this feeling becoming stronger.

 

still the same reason,we havent meet in person.

 

so my question is ,whats really on his mind?dose he really love me>.?or like he said he really want us to be together?

 

also what comfusing me is ,if he does want to be with me,why he refused to be my lover now,i know being lover via internet is kind of stupid but if he think its stupid,why he keep talk about our futrue?

 

am i think too much or should i just go with the flow?

 

is that ambiguous???i really hate it.i dont wanna ambiguous with anybody.

 

any advise is appreciated,thanks a lot!

Edited September 10, 2009 by mood (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

you've spent a year talking and have not meet. It's hard to gauge his sincerity and maybe more importantly his true situation. Was he married before (or when you first started to talk)?

 

You said you think to meet as soon as possible is best; then said you guys decided to wait because he lost his job. Was that decision more yours or his? Did you really want him to wait now that he lost his job? Does this give you a feeling of less security or any face issues if he comes to china and meets people but has not job?

 

The issue of his saying "we are not lover yet" can be taken more than one way; you may feel he is playing a bit of a game, back and forth with how he seems to define the relationship;

 

On the other hand, some can be very literal at times with their words, and so his meaning could be: Right now, you are not truly lovers since you have not meet and established that true personal connection.

 

I will say this: I think more americans have a need to see the person in real life and spend time with them before they are able to make that full and final step to a committed relationship. This is a normal feeling.

 

I do recognize that some chinese "feel" the steps to a committed relationship can start before meeting, and therefore words are important during this stage since they really help to define the relationship.

 

I will only warn you of this: I think in chinese culture that if a man comes to visit, many chinese will feel like the relationship is secure to really happen. But some americans just don't think this way. For some, they might want to just "see how it goes" (ie: go with the flow). So, you should realize this before you decide if you want the man to meet your family... if he is not truly sure himself until he comes to meet you. And do you want to meet someone who comes over and is not sure after talking a year?

[mood]

you've spent a year talking and have not meet. It's hard to gauge his sincerity and maybe more importantly his true situation. Was he married before (or when you first started to talk)?

 

You said you think to meet as soon as possible is best; then said you guys decided to wait because he lost his job. Was that decision more yours or his? Did you really want him to wait now that he lost his job? Does this give you a feeling of less security or any face issues if he comes to china and meets people but has not job?

 

The issue of his saying "we are not lover yet" can be taken more than one way; you may feel he is playing a bit of a game, back and forth with how he seems to define the relationship;

 

On the other hand, some can be very literal at times with their words, and so his meaning could be: Right now, you are not truly lovers since you have not meet and established that true personal connection.

 

I will say this: I think more americans have a need to see the person in real life and spend time with them before they are able to make that full and final step to a committed relationship. This is a normal feeling.

 

I do recognize that some chinese "feel" the steps to a committed relationship can start before meeting, and therefore words are important during this stage since they really help to define the relationship.

 

I will only warn you of this: I think in chinese culture that if a man comes to visit, many chinese will feel like the relationship is secure to really happen. But some americans just don't think this way. For some, they might want to just "see how it goes" (ie: go with the flow). So, you should realize this before you decide if you want the man to meet your family... if he is not truly sure himself until he comes to meet you. And do you want to meet someone who comes over and is not sure after talking a year?

thanks for your opinion!

 

its not about less security or any face issues ,im sure about that.

 

and also decied to wait is our decision.its much better for him,cus job comes first.

 

about the to"see how it goes",we both agree that to feel some1 in real life is more improtant so we'd like to meet each other in person so that we can find out if we feel the same way as we were on the internet.if we do like each other then start the relationship,if we dont,we just need to move on,we both 90%sure about we will like each other but no one can 100% sure about this,i mean anything is possible,right?just need to meet in real life that feel more real to us.

 

gosh im so comfused right now dont even know what am i talking about.

 

i guess i just wanna find out the result that make me push myself so hard.

 

just he said he loves me but dont wanna being lover with me ,this stuff bother me.

 

although he gives me some reason i still feel he is kind of playing game with me.

 

we had talking for almost a year but just start to think about the relationship for over 3months,maybe i am pushing too hard,maybe i think too much ,i dont know.

 

do i want to meet some1 who is not sure about this after talking for a year?

 

do i want to

 

do i want to

 

i need to meet him,bcs being far away,just typing and talking just not enought,i need to feel the real person.

 

if you ask me if i can 100% sure that he is the right one to me,i cant say it.

 

so thats why i need to meet him

 

forgive me type so much nonsense

 

i guess i need time to think about these stuff.

[Randy W]

I think he's being elusive, that there's something behind that, and you need to figure out what. Is he married, is he communicating with other women, is he reluctant to take it beyond the level of an internet chat?

 

He could keep your relationship in this mode indefinitely, even after he meets you, or you may find out too late about other women.

 

Does the tone of the conversation change when the subject of meeting comes up? Do you bring it up, or does he?

[Jaseball]

Are you using a web cam? This is one of the best tools for both parties. It isn't face to face, but you can see expressions, hear the tone of voice, and it is far harder to hide things.

 

When I used to Internet date with US women I'd communicate in email, chat, or phone a few times, then arrange a face to face meeting in a public coffee house, invite them to meet for a lunch, and 4 out of 5 times after meeting face to face I knew within 2 minutes that she didn't like me, I didn't like her or we both didn't like one another.

 

I wouldn't use the term 'lover.' The word lover brings up images of physical connection/sex. I'm thinking you are looking more towards being exclusive and commitment to each other and the relationship.

 

If I were a woman in your situation I would back away a little. Give the guy some space. Arrange for web video chats once a week. If you back away a little it makes it far more likely he'll pursue harder, but if you constantly contact him he has less reason or desire to contact you.

 

Ask him how he sees your relationship as it stands. Tell him how in China a man and a woman who are committed to each other and talk about marriage is quite serious and you want to know if he is comfortable with that.

 

Spend time thinking about if/when he does come to China. Are you prepared for what he may be expecting? How much time would you have together? What would you like to do, where would you like to spend time together?

 

In the current economy finding a job may take quite some time and be difficult. Also, if he starts a new job he will have zero vacation time, so he would have to work and save up vacation time.

 

Now he has plenty of free time, but the question is does he have savings to be able to afford the trip over now?

 

If it takes around 6 months or over to find a new job, then 6 months to save just 5-7 days of vacation time you are realistically talking about 1 full year or more before he could come visit. Far longer if he has no savings and/or the job search takes longer.

[Eric739]

I think he's being elusive, that there's something behind that, and you need to figure out what. Is he married, is he communicating with other women, is he reluctant to take it beyond the level of an internet chat?

 

He could keep your relationship in this mode indefinitely, even after he meets you, or you may find out too late about other women.

 

Does the tone of the conversation change when the subject of meeting comes up? Do you bring it up, or does he?

 

Randy is right. I wojuld keep my distance until he gets his situation squared away. And watch things without emotion.

 

You might have what is called an "approach/avoidance" relationship. The closer you get, the more you (or he) see negative traits. The farther away, as most web relationships are, the more positive traits show.

 

Tone it down. If you lose him, it was meant to be. B)

[Mike and Yan]

if you're confused dump him

 

easy rule is:

 

MEN chase,

WOMEN choose.

 

If he isn't chasing you, you can never choose him.

 

There should be no confusion when a guy is interested.

 

If you think it's to long a wait, then it is, no matter any 'excuse'.

 

there is another saying:

 

sh!! or get off the pot.

 

IMO

[weiaijiayou]

my instinct is also that there's something wrong here. You should be aware that some American men (the »µµ°) will chat online with foreign women while they are still married. Other ones will describe themselves in other ways that aren't true -- they might lie about their age, health status, financial situation, or anything else.

 

To me it sounds possible that this person is either playing you on the side (possibly teasing himself in some way, thus explaining why sometimes he pushes you away and other times he talks sweet) or he may have told you some other lies that will become obvious when you meet him (for example, he may be much older). In my short time using this website I've heard about a man who said he was healthy but was in fact in a wheelchair, a guy who said he had a job making good money but in reality lived with his disabled mom and lived off her welfare checks, and another guy who said he was single when he was actually still married.

 

I'm not saying for sure that this man is doing this kind of thing to you. But, if he wasn't, wouldn't you expect him to be a little more excited and determined to meet you in person? Most of the other people on this website probably went to china the first chance they got and with barely a second thought. While waiting, they wished they could put the clock on fast forward and finally see and touch this new and most important person in their lives. I see this kind of emotion from you, but all I can gather from your description of this man is that he's coldly stringing you along.

 

hope everything goes well for you whatever you decide to do.

[Richard & Li]

Some facts you've stated make me inclined to urge caution:

 

He is 39, jobless, and can't afford an air ticket. How could he possibly provide for you in America? Living a good lifestyle here is relatively expensive.

 

If he was in his early 20's and not yet financially independent, it wouldn't be such a concern. IMHO

[Highlander]

Hi "Mood" ... My Fiancee and I talked for 11 months before I went to visit her. My job moved out of country, but no problem, I sold my little farm tractor so I could visit my Fiancee, in April 2009 for 3 weeks. I applied for K1 Fiancee Visa in May 2009. If your boyfriend believes you are meant to be together, he will find a way to come visit you. Good Luck....

[mood]

I think he's being elusive, that there's something behind that, and you need to figure out what. Is he married, is he communicating with other women, is he reluctant to take it beyond the level of an internet chat?

 

He could keep your relationship in this mode indefinitely, even after he meets you, or you may find out too late about other women.

 

Does the tone of the conversation change when the subject of meeting comes up? Do you bring it up, or does he?

yeah you right,the way he talk about our meeting make me feel this is mode indefinitely,this is what i really dont need,and sometimes i mention the meeting sometimes he does,we both think about it and talk,but he kind of doesnt want to come over here so much,at least he made me feel this way.

[mood]

Are you using a web cam? This is one of the best tools for both parties. It isn't face to face, but you can see expressions, hear the tone of voice, and it is far harder to hide things.

 

When I used to Internet date with US women I'd communicate in email, chat, or phone a few times, then arrange a face to face meeting in a public coffee house, invite them to meet for a lunch, and 4 out of 5 times after meeting face to face I knew within 2 minutes that she didn't like me, I didn't like her or we both didn't like one another.

 

I wouldn't use the term 'lover.' The word lover brings up images of physical connection/sex. I'm thinking you are looking more towards being exclusive and commitment to each other and the relationship.

 

If I were a woman in your situation I would back away a little. Give the guy some space. Arrange for web video chats once a week. If you back away a little it makes it far more likely he'll pursue harder, but if you constantly contact him he has less reason or desire to contact you.

 

Ask him how he sees your relationship as it stands. Tell him how in China a man and a woman who are committed to each other and talk about marriage is quite serious and you want to know if he is comfortable with that.

 

Spend time thinking about if/when he does come to China. Are you prepared for what he may be expecting? How much time would you have together? What would you like to do, where would you like to spend time together?

 

In the current economy finding a job may take quite some time and be difficult. Also, if he starts a new job he will have zero vacation time, so he would have to work and save up vacation time.

 

Now he has plenty of free time, but the question is does he have savings to be able to afford the trip over now?

 

If it takes around 6 months or over to find a new job, then 6 months to save just 5-7 days of vacation time you are realistically talking about 1 full year or more before he could come visit. Far longer if he has no savings and/or the job search takes longer.

yes we use web cam everyday,no typing just talking,its more real.i want to hear his voice and see his face.

 

Spend time thinking about if/when he does come to China. Are you prepared for what he may be expecting? How much time would you have together? What would you like to do, where would you like to spend time together?

 

we both talk about this for many times.

 

job looing is hard i know,he told me whats going on everyday.i dont know how long it could be.but at least he should show me that he really want to be here,sometimes he juse saying he try his best to do this,but i cant feel it.

[NUWORLD]

you've spent a year talking and have not meet. It's hard to gauge his sincerity and maybe more importantly his true situation. Was he married before (or when you first started to talk)?

 

You said you think to meet as soon as possible is best; then said you guys decided to wait because he lost his job. Was that decision more yours or his? Did you really want him to wait now that he lost his job? Does this give you a feeling of less security or any face issues if he comes to china and meets people but has not job?

 

The issue of his saying "we are not lover yet" can be taken more than one way; you may feel he is playing a bit of a game, back and forth with how he seems to define the relationship;

 

On the other hand, some can be very literal at times with their words, and so his meaning could be: Right now, you are not truly lovers since you have not meet and established that true personal connection.

 

I will say this: I think more americans have a need to see the person in real life and spend time with them before they are able to make that full and final step to a committed relationship. This is a normal feeling.

 

I do recognize that some chinese "feel" the steps to a committed relationship can start before meeting, and therefore words are important during this stage since they really help to define the relationship.

 

I will only warn you of this: I think in chinese culture that if a man comes to visit, many chinese will feel like the relationship is secure to really happen. But some americans just don't think this way. For some, they might want to just "see how it goes" (ie: go with the flow). So, you should realize this before you decide if you want the man to meet your family... if he is not truly sure himself until he comes to meet you. And do you want to meet someone who comes over and is not sure after talking a year?

thanks for your opinion!

 

its not about less security or any face issues ,im sure about that.

 

and also decied to wait is our decision.its much better for him,cus job comes first.

 

about the to"see how it goes",we both agree that to feel some1 in real life is more improtant so we'd like to meet each other in person so that we can find out if we feel the same way as we were on the internet.if we do like each other then start the relationship,if we dont,we just need to move on,we both 90%sure about we will like each other but no one can 100% sure about this,i mean anything is possible,right?just need to meet in real life that feel more real to us.

 

gosh im so comfused right now dont even know what am i talking about.

 

i guess i just wanna find out the result that make me push myself so hard.

 

just he said he loves me but dont wanna being lover with me ,this stuff bother me.

 

although he gives me some reason i still feel he is kind of playing game with me.

 

we had talking for almost a year but just start to think about the relationship for over 3months,maybe i am pushing too hard,maybe i think too much ,i dont know.

 

do i want to meet some1 who is not sure about this after talking for a year?

 

do i want to

 

do i want to

 

i need to meet him,bcs being far away,just typing and talking just not enought,i need to feel the real person.

 

if you ask me if i can 100% sure that he is the right one to me,i cant say it.

 

so thats why i need to meet him

 

forgive me type so much nonsense

 

i guess i need time to think about these stuff.

 

mood: David preaty much nailed it.

 

We all go through this stage of confusion at first.

My wife and i talked about the same things you are now.

 

Though we only talked for 6 month and i went to Chongqing.

I knew in my hart she was the one for me.

 

Now 3 years latter, My wife has been in the U.S. for two years and we have been married for three wonderful years.

 

My only advise to you is: Listen to your hart and feel what your hart says.

 

If it feels right! Go for it!!

If it feels wrong? Stop!! get out!

Better now to find out than latter?

[mood]

I think he's being elusive, that there's something behind that, and you need to figure out what. Is he married, is he communicating with other women, is he reluctant to take it beyond the level of an internet chat?

 

He could keep your relationship in this mode indefinitely, even after he meets you, or you may find out too late about other women.

 

Does the tone of the conversation change when the subject of meeting comes up? Do you bring it up, or does he?

 

Randy is right. I wojuld keep my distance until he gets his situation squared away. And watch things without emotion.

 

You might have what is called an "approach/avoidance" relationship. The closer you get, the more you (or he) see negative traits. The farther away, as most web relationships are, the more positive traits show.

 

Tone it down. If you lose him, it was meant to be.

thanks,i have think about this for manty times,i guess i have get to take it slow and see how things going,.

 

i need to keep my distance until he gets his situation squared away.thank you

[mood]

my instinct is also that there's something wrong here. You should be aware that some American men (the »µµ°) will chat online with foreign women while they are still married. Other ones will describe themselves in other ways that aren't true -- they might lie about their age, health status, financial situation, or anything else.

 

To me it sounds possible that this person is either playing you on the side (possibly teasing himself in some way, thus explaining why sometimes he pushes you away and other times he talks sweet) or he may have told you some other lies that will become obvious when you meet him (for example, he may be much older). In my short time using this website I've heard about a man who said he was healthy but was in fact in a wheelchair, a guy who said he had a job making good money but in reality lived with his disabled mom and lived off her welfare checks, and another guy who said he was single when he was actually still married.

 

I'm not saying for sure that this man is doing this kind of thing to you. But, if he wasn't, wouldn't you expect him to be a little more excited and determined to meet you in person? Most of the other people on this website probably went to china the first chance they got and with barely a second thought. While waiting, they wished they could put the clock on fast forward and finally see and touch this new and most important person in their lives. I see this kind of emotion from you, but all I can gather from your description of this man is that he's coldly stringing you along.

 

hope everything goes well for you whatever you decide to do.

i was about to looking for his info online,but i really dont want to do this,i think we should believe each other.

 

we cam everyday and i didnt find any other woman there,anyway action speaks louder than words,if he really care about me he will come over here till the deadline(i told him the deadline is Feb 2010),if he doesnt.then i will move on.