Isolation

[heyjimi]

Only been on CFL a couple of years but one thing that surprises me is how many USC isolate their wives from other Chinese in the USA/CFL contact once they are here. As we ALL know Chinese don't like isolation and thrive in groups of their peers.

 

So your thoughts ?

 

it is one of the things i worry about when my wife gets here.Isolation....she has made a network of friends on 001 ,who are now already in USA.and there are a few who are members of CFL,that live here in the Tampa area....I certainly want my wife to have as many Chinese woman friends as possible...is very healthy.

 

 

Good thinking Jimi. I know you'll try your best.

 

If you want to watch someone die from the inside out, just deny them the opportunity to mix with their own people and culture after they get to the US. It's now been just over one year since I moved to China. I am completely isolated here. I work in an office with over 400 employees, every one of which is Chinese. I am the only Westerner at this office. I can tell you exactly what it feels like to long for someone to talk to, and need someone who not only listens, but understands and can relate to you.

 

I often try to share things with my wife, about the various challenges I experience. She usually listens, but honestly, doesn't get it, as she doesn't share that frame of reference. I've talk to other Westerner's from time to time, who immediately know what I mean when I bring something up, and can relate their own experiences with the same things. It's so validating, and just makes you feel good. One little shot of it goes a long way.

 

Yet, sometimes, there is just nothing to be had. Maybe some people live in and isolated area, where options are limited. What then? The answer to that one is hard to know. Because I've been hungering lately to talk to other local Westerners, I've been spending more time looking for support groups and Web sites where I can meet people. Nanjing doesn't have a strong community yet, but there are some. I'm still looking though. You just can't give up.

 

I know what you mean,when I visit in China,and i get together with my wifes family,they all love me,but none of them can speak english,except for my step daughter,and then my wife would be next in line,but the rest of the family,can not speak english,and we are all sitting around a table and they are chatting away,.having a good ol' time ,laughing etc etc,and I feel the isolation,because i do not speak Chinese,i am learning...but you know what i mean......its isolation,and the feeling is horrible.......now on my last trip...i met up with an american friend who was also visiting his wife in Chongqing....what a pleasure,just to talk to someone in the same language,street talk ,have a beer,share the same experiences or what have you.....yeah,very important for the wife to have friends...to keep her spirit alive

[chilton747]

Only been on CFL a couple of years but one thing that surprises me is how many USC isolate their wives from other Chinese in the USA/CFL contact once they are here. As we ALL know Chinese don't like isolation and thrive in groups of their peers.

 

So your thoughts ?

 

 

This does not apply to my wife. I have asked her on a few occasions if she would like to meet other Chinese in the area and she says "no, I cannot be friend to other Chinese." She had isolated herself in China and does it here in the US as well.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

... we know many Chinese American couples neither ling nor I can think of anybody who isolates their spouse it seems to be just the opposite with our friends and acquaintances

 

I have seen it, but thankfully not too much of it. It happens in varying degrees of course. I don't think the kind of men who keep their Chinese wives locked up at home are the same men that post on this Web site.

 

I do think though, that even though a Chinese woman states that she is not interested in meeting other Chinese people, is as straighforward of an answer as it may seem. Chinese by nature, don't want to inconvenience or have a fuss made over them. If by chance, some Chinese people just showed up at the house, or on the street in a casual sort of way, I think everyone would see just how important it really is.

[tsap seui]

Only been on CFL a couple of years but one thing that surprises me is how many USC isolate their wives from other Chinese in the USA/CFL contact once they are here. As we ALL know Chinese don't like isolation and thrive in groups of their peers.

 

So your thoughts ?

 

 

This does not apply to my wife. I have asked her on a few occasions if she would like to meet other Chinese in the area and she says "no, I cannot be friend to other Chinese." She had isolated herself in China and does it here in the US as well.

 

Ya know cuz, the lil' rabbit is the same way and feels the same. She's working her butt off to learn english, she wants to come to America to meet my friends and other Americans. She tells me I no needa seek China friends for her. Well, we'll see, heck, they're must be at least 10 other Chinese folks around here. Plus, we're gonna be too busy exploring America and down under for any moss to start growin' under her wheels.

 

tsap seui

[whome?]

... we know many Chinese American couples neither ling nor I can think of anybody who isolates their spouse it seems to be just the opposite with our friends and acquaintances

 

I have seen it, but thankfully not too much of it. It happens in varying degrees of course. I don't think the kind of men who keep their Chinese wives locked up at home are the same men that post on this Web site.

 

I do think though, that even though a Chinese woman states that she is not interested in meeting other Chinese people, is as straighforward of an answer as it may seem. Chinese by nature, don't want to inconvenience or have a fuss made over them. If by chance, some Chinese people just showed up at the house, or on the street in a casual sort of way, I think everyone would see just how important it really is.

 

But I can understand their feeling. Even though I have been here for almost 3 years I still rarely go to the ex-pat events or to places where most ex-pats tend to hangout. I have my Chinese friends (and wife's family now) and while I have the chance to be in China I want to learn and see how they live, think, and experience life.

 

If I had wanted to spend all my time with ex-pats I would just have stayed home and worked in the USA...

 

I have a few expat friends but I know many expats who only go to bars, resturants, coffee houses etc. where there are other western people ... they isolate themselves in the reverse.

[shadeOgray]

Hmmm My Ting must be an exception to the rule. I asked her about finding other Chinese to talk with here and she looked at me like I was nuts. I think her reply was something like "You crazy?" "I am so glad to finally have my privacy and I can't stand the social complications associated with Chinese people"

And I said "Ohhhh Kaaaaayyy"

She said she much prefers it here compared to China but does miss her family but not the complex social stuff.

She tried to explain this to some people in China before and they went as far as calling her a traitor

One guy on QQ actually got VERY crude and nasty with her. Never seen her let someone have it like that before. It was soooo cool to see my lil Ting Ting rip some guys head off on the net I was so proud

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

... we know many Chinese American couples neither ling nor I can think of anybody who isolates their spouse it seems to be just the opposite with our friends and acquaintances

 

I have seen it, but thankfully not too much of it. It happens in varying degrees of course. I don't think the kind of men who keep their Chinese wives locked up at home are the same men that post on this Web site.

 

I do think though, that even though a Chinese woman states that she is not interested in meeting other Chinese people, is as straighforward of an answer as it may seem. Chinese by nature, don't want to inconvenience or have a fuss made over them. If by chance, some Chinese people just showed up at the house, or on the street in a casual sort of way, I think everyone would see just how important it really is.

 

But I can understand their feeling. Even though I have been here for almost 3 years I still rarely go to the ex-pat events or to places where most ex-pats tend to hangout. I have my Chinese friends (and wife's family now) and while I have the chance to be in China I want to learn and see how they live, think, and experience life.

 

If I had wanted to spend all my time with ex-pats I would just have stayed home and worked in the USA...

 

I have a few expat friends but I know many expats who only go to bars, resturants, coffee houses etc. where there are other western people ... they isolate themselves in the reverse.

 

I could see this to a point. I mean, if someone is always hanging out with expats, and never immersing themselves into the culture, then they are missing out.

 

When you go to a new country, there will invariably be new challenges. If I ONLY talk to Chinese people and my wife, then I will never receive the affirmation that what I'm seeing, what I'm feeling, is real and shared by others. ONLY those who experience what we do, truly know what it's like. Try as anyone else may to fill that role, they will always fall short.

Edited June 17, 2009 by ShaQuaNew (see edit history)

[Zhen's Tiger]

Only been on CFL a couple of years but one thing that surprises me is how many USC isolate their wives from other Chinese in the USA/CFL contact once they are here. As we ALL know Chinese don't like isolation and thrive in groups of their peers.

 

So your thoughts ?

Well, I don't know anyone who isolates their wife from anything, but that is just me I guess. Zhen has an account here & has read it a few times, but quickly lost interest & the same with 001. Frankly, if she were on here, 001 or any other site for hours a day making 1000s of posts, I would be a little worried for her & drag her outside to see the sun once in a while. I don't really see how making CFL contacts would make someone feel less isolated, possibly more as they are in the house all day on the computer...

As far as being around their peers, Zhen also has lost a lot of interest in that. Her words, not mine; "Chinese people [in the US] are so 'One Way', they only care about themselves". She had what she thought was a good friend in her old boss; this was her 1st job in the US & Zhen worked in this woman's Salon. Zhen had always told her she would open her own business one day & the woman constantly tried to shoot her down, telling her it was very expensive, time consuming, hard, etc.. Zhen stopped working for her when she got pregnant, but they remained friends & met all the time still & constantly talked on the phone. Once we had the baby & things normalized, we starting looking in earnest for a Salon. Now that Zhen has opened her own business, she called her 'friend' to tell her... the second Zhen said she opened it, the woman said she was busy & hung up. They have never spoken again since (2 months) although Zhen has called her numerous times.

Zhen also has a few employees; 1 Chinese girl & 2 Americans. Well the Chinese girl is getting fired this week; twice now Zhen has heard her answer the phone & say that Zhen was busy & could not do a Massage (100% money for Zhen) and did not try to schedule an appointment, but yet will always try to schedule someone for nails (50% money for her) if she is busy. Not to mention she actually hung up on me when I called for Zhen & she didn't realize it was me, wonder how many others she's done that to?!

Not every wife here feels isolated or desires to be around other Chinese all the time...

[Guest Pommey]

Interesting post mate, thanks for sharing.

 

We are a little different from you two I guess as I work nights and Jin likes to do business on the computer, chat to her family/friends and yes even post here.

 

The subject of the OP was isolation not just on CFL but from their kin, your wife doesn't care, that's cool, but my observations of not just Jin but many is that many really do.

I guess the purpose of the OP was as a heads up for those still waiting to get their wives/fiancees here and a thought on how to make your wives lives happier once they are here.

If they are happy you are happy.

 

Of course some don't care, Ive known ex-pats all around the world who couldn't care less if they saw another countryman again in their life. Just suggesting this possibly is not the case for most Chinese ladies who come here.

 

I'm not suggesting CFL members lock their wives in chains in the basement to isolate them, I'm suggesting that its probably not a bad thing to be apart of encouraging them to look for and make friends here both in your communities and hell yes even CFL.

[michaln]

no isolation of kin here either they have been here for 2 months now

and will be driving me to the nuthouse for 2 more

[Guest Pommey]

no isolation of kin here either they have been here for 2 months now

and will be driving me to the nuthouse for 2 more

 

 

envy you

[dnoblett]

In our case a few months after arrival we discovered the a Chinese Choral Group here in Rochester. http://www.ccsrmusic.com/ Through them Yu has made many friends and even started a home business with a friend from the Choral Society.

 

Yes it is always best to find the local Chinese community, and make friends.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Interesting post mate, thanks for sharing.

 

We are a little different from you two I guess as I work nights and Jin likes to do business on the computer, chat to her family/friends and yes even post here.

 

The subject of the OP was isolation not just on CFL but from their kin, your wife doesn't care, that's cool, but my observations of not just Jin but many is that many really do.

I guess the purpose of the OP was as a heads up for those still waiting to get their wives/fiancees here and a thought on how to make your wives lives happier once they are here.

If they are happy you are happy.

 

Of course some don't care, Ive known ex-pats all around the world who couldn't care less if they saw another countryman again in their life. Just suggesting this possibly is not the case for most Chinese ladies who come here.

 

I'm not suggesting CFL members lock their wives in chains in the basement to isolate them, I'm suggesting that its probably not a bad thing to be apart of encouraging them to look for and make friends here both in your communities and hell yes even CFL.

 

Pommey, I think your posts bring attention to a very important point, which is often overlooked and excused. Everyone that goes to a new country will undergo a lifetime of adjustment. It's not just a few days, weeks, or even years, but something that remains with you the rest of your life.

 

Sometimes people isolate themselves to please their partner, or do it because they are uncomfortable meeting new people. Pushing will likely result in push-back. My wife always mixes well with people; whether they are American, Chinese, or otherwise. I do notice however that she is most inspired when she talks to Chinese people and friends.

 

If you lock yourself in a cabin far away from others, it may feel pretty good for the first several days, weeks, or even years. After a while, your mind begins playing tricks on you. We all need human interaction from people like us, and when we don't have it, our spirit begins to lose some of its luster.

 

I don't think it would work too well, for the American spouse to take the responsibility to find Chinese friends and groups. Suggesting, yes, but not to push.

[Kim-saru]

I don't think Yan will have any problems making new friends regardless if they are Americans, Chinese or Koreans. She loves to talk and talk to anyone. Heck, when I'm in China, every time we got into a taxi it was like "gentlemen, start your engines" and all I hear is "blah blah blah blah" he says 2 words and more "blah blah blah" from her. She talks so fast even if I could understand Chinese I think I would still be lost.

 

She says she worries about her english, but I think she will be just fine.