I need help ....PLEASE

[Jeff08n]

My sincere thanks to the Owners of Candle for Love for making such a valuable resource available to all of us in our journey with our Chinese GF/Wife's. Since early October I have been reading 100's of pages of past posts on Candle for Love, trying to understand the Visa Process and also Customs and Culture. The help I have received thru reading has been wonderful.

 

May I introduce myself. My Name is Jeff, I live in Northern Maine, US. I am 66 years old, divorced for 5 years, and longing for a wonderful relationship again. I was a member of Plenty of Fish.com, a Online date site. In 5 years I never got a reply to any emails I sent out, then in early October, I received a email thru Plenty of Fish from a Stunningly Beautiful Chinese woman, 49 years old, living in south China, she actually looks more like late 30's than 49. I am 66, have been told that I look more like early 50's, keep up with my kids in active live, and am not ugly (I dont scare the kiddies) LOL. I was shocked to receive her email as a woman of that age and beauty in the US would never give me a second look. We started to email direct, not thru Plenty of Fish. Reading Candle for Love forums, I now realize that a woman, divorced, in China at her age apparently has little chance of finding a true love partner. She also tells me this same thing. So now the questions on customs/culture, I will be as concise as possible;

 

Within 2 weeks of the first email, my GF was already talking about Marriage, She loved me, Wants to come to my home forever. Do Chinese woman use the word love and mean something different that what men in the US consider the word love ? My GF speaks no English whatsoever. All our emails are thru her translator. About 4 weeks into our emails, she says she wants to take English Lessons from her translator and asks if I could help her with cost. She asked for $440 USD a month for lessons. At this point in the relationship, I said no, but did buy her the complete Rosetta Stone English course which I sent to her and was received. Last month I got a email saying that her monthly income was 2400 Yaun. Her translator was charging her $2.00 UDS for each 400 Chinese Characters and that her lat month translation fare was 1800 Yaun. She asks if I can help her with translation costs. Again, at this point in the relationship, I say no, and suggest she write to me in Chinese, I use www.translate.google.com to translate it and then translate my reply in Chinese. My GF said it was hard to read and could cause a misunderstanding. Yet, when I translated the Chinese Characters back to English, I could easily read, but it was poor English in some cases. She does not want to break from the translator. SInce then, no more requests for money, but emails now are down to no more than 5 or 6 lines and every 3 days. Before this, Emails were long and a few a day.

 

Emails;

I have tried to share all about my life, my hobbies, what I like to do, in other words get her into conversation so both of us could learn more about each other.

Her emails are empty, sharing very little about her. Yet, in most cases she will answer any question I have. Since early October till now, I really dont know much more than I did in the first emails. She does not open up and talk about her life, her dreams, her wants, her future. She just wants to marry me and live a life of "happiness and harmony"

 

Her Pictures;

For a person apparently not having a good income, she has sent me a lot of pictures, professionally done, reworked with Photoshop (exif file shows photoshop)

Pictures that look like a Glamour Shoot for a woman's magazine. They are beautiful, she is stunning. How can she afford these pictures and not be able to afford emails ?

 

Money;

I m retired, built a beautiful home complex in northern Maine. I built a large Greenhouse for my exwife. My GF wants to grow flowers, I told her the greenhouse would be hers, yet no talk as if she were excited. I live well, build serious 4x4 trucks as a hobby. Yet, I must watch my expenses as I am on a fixed retirement income along with my investments. In reading Candle for Love, I note that many of you have made many trips to China, gifts, Visa costs. In projecting costs to bring my GF tot he US, I can see at least $30,000.00 USD or more. Is this somewhere near correct ?

 

Marriage;

My GF suggests one trip to Beijing to meet for a few weeks, then start the K1 Process. I suggested we cant fall in love for life in just 2 weeks, we cant even talk to each other. She said she will bring a electronic translator. She said " I be a good wife, I not cause you problem" She is in such a rush to get the K1 process started and get married ? How many trips did most of you guys make before you asked your GF to marry you ?

 

English Lessons;

My GF says she works from 7am to 10 pm and is to tired to study the Rosetta Stone English. She says she will learn English in the "future". She eludes that the future is after she is in the US. OOOPS ! She says our eyes, hands and her electronic translator will let us communicate until she learns English. I just bought Rosetta Stone Chinese to try to learn some Chinese. Wow, what a tough language to learn.

It could be years before my GF could join in conversation with our friends or even with just me. Can this be made to work ?

 

Culture;

I live in northern Maine, winters are terrible cold, 35 below zero are accepted, she is from South China, what a world of difference. I live remote, its a 150 mile round trip to a large city. Up here, its more of a frontier life, you make your own entertainment, especially in the winter. Two people really have to be compatible to survive. My GF has knitted me a scarf for Christmas, its in the mail now. She really seems to care.

 

Communications;

 

ALl we apparently will have is short emails. Once we start the K1 Process, then I would feel comfortable in sending her some money each month to help out. Living remote, I am on a Internet Dial Up Connection. I only connect at 24.4K. There is no way we can not do web cam, IM, Skype, just regular emails. I do plan to call my GF on Christmas day and use the few Chinese words I have learned. I told her just to say any English words she knows. At least we will hear each others voice. A few weeks ago, I sent her flowers. She was so excited, she never received flowers in her life before.

 

Age;

I am 66, live, act like I am in my 40 to 50's. Yet my Candle is going to burn out someday. I worry that MY GF could be left alone, no english, little knoledge of customs, Live very remote and not yet drive a car (she has never driven a car), in other words I check out and she is left trapped all alone in the US... Your Thoughts ? The K1 process can take a year or more, now I could be 67-68 or older before my GF is in my home. Should I forget a Chinese wife with all their wonderful qualities and keep searching for a US Wife, and hope she will have the quality of a Chinese Wife ?

 

K1 Interview;

All we have is emails to show a relationship. If I did agree to only one meeting in Beijing, we have little to show for a real relationship and her interview/K1 might be rejected as a possible marriage fraud. Then all this money and time is lost and emotional feelings. We are both hurt. I dont want my GF hurt.

 

Conclusion;

Money needed to bring my GF to the US must be considered. Is $30,000.00 a reasonable figure ? What about her English, My Chinese ? Above all, I want my GF to be the happiest girl in the world. I want to do things for her that she has never experienced in her life. If she is happy, I am happy, we both are happy and have a great life. Sorry for the long post, but I need help to sort this all out. Many of you have been through what I am going though now. You have the experience and knowledge I need to hear. lease dont sugar coat it, tell me what you really think !

 

My GF reply to any question I raise on all the above concerns is " I be good wife,I not cause you problem". "We have happiness and harmony"

 

My head is spinning, Thanks for your thought...Sorry for the long post

 

Jeff

[Sebastian]

Jeff - wow - so many points to consider !!!!

 

But - my main concern would be to lose the human translator in the food chain, then watch and see what happens. A Resourceful Chinese Woman will know where the translator SOFTWARE are, install them, and use them. But - it could be an 'age' problem as well, as she may actually NOT know pinyin (which is required for most Input Methods in Simplified Chinese). If that's the case, she can get a tablet to write on, use character recognition.

 

Pictures - relax - that is normal - she can get a full day of studio work , similar (but better) to Glamour Shots here in the USA, for about 550 RMB.

 

All combined, I'd say there are many red flags. I don't have the time to dissect each one of your points today..

Edited December 9, 2008 by Darnell (see edit history)

[george lee]

jeff,

 

i paid 120 usd fee for 4.5 months of english lessons for my wife in china. classe starts on monday to friday, 8am to 4pm with 3 hours break in between 8 and 4. the fee includes books and cd for your personal use away from school. the teachers are taught by non-chinese people such as college students from overseas. she is on her 2nd level where i paid 100 usd because student gets discount for continuing their english levels. 440 usd per month is too much money for english lessons and in my opinion, its a red flag. good luck.

[timb]

Jeff,

 

Take China out of the picture for a moment... Your relationship is still new, and you have not met her in person. I encourage you not to send her any money, that's a real bad sign. Gold digger exist there, just like they do here.

 

Treat the relationship the same as you would treat one here. Take it slow and don't let her looks influence you. Think with your big head. There is no substitute to meeting her in person.

 

I suggest the book available from asianpromise.com. In there, you read about warning signs. Being rushed is one of them, asking for money is another. Falling in love too quickly is yet another. There is plenty of time to meet her, and if all the right signs are there, you can help support her with English lessons.

 

I've been down this road, so take it slow and think things through. That's my $.02

 

Good luck

 

Tim

[Stepbrow]

Tim gave you good advice.

[JingJoseph]

Jeff,

 

Take China out of the picture for a moment... Your relationship is still new, and you have not met her in person. I encourage you not to send her any money, that's a real bad sign. Gold digger exist there, just like they do here.

 

Treat the relationship the same as you would treat one here. Take it slow and don't let her looks influence you. Think with your big head. There is no substitute to meeting her in person.

 

I suggest the book available from asianpromise.com. In there, you read about warning signs. Being rushed is one of them, asking for money is another. Falling in love too quickly is yet another. There is plenty of time to meet her, and if all the right signs are there, you can help support her with English lessons.

 

I've been down this road, so take it slow and think things through. That's my $.02

 

Good luck

 

Tim

 

This www mess gets me. Pick a site, pick a pic. Shes hot so what she wrote didnt matter at all. Forget the flags if you want to. I'm sorry but pick a site, find a hotty pic. What happens after that is 100% up to you. Easy to find a pic from any country. Much harder to know whos behind that pic. Yours or hers. Sorry sound so blunt. Just be sure what your getting into.

Edited December 9, 2008 by JingJoseph (see edit history)

[lostinblue]

You seem to have read quite a bit of candle that is good. From what many people here have said is that through a translator there is a chance few of the words are hers.This is something that possibly should not be held against her. But be aware that you may meet someone who is very different than who you think you are involved with. And this may not be all bad. Perhaps you can find someone on candle that for a small fee would translate mail for you. There are a lot of wives here looking for some work. Yan did this for a member of candle some years ago while she was still in china. something to think about. I would ask her for photos of her in everyday life. With her family ,children. ect. See where this leads you. You send her photo's also. Make plain that you desire time to decide on marriage. Inform her that on your first trip you need to get to know each other. That for certain there will be no discussion of marriage. Yan has confessed to me that if I had mentioned marriage when I met her that she would be very frightened. This is just yan. A chinese woman I know told me that I should write a year first then go meet and wait another year for marriage. (less of a chance of a gold digger). Yan's english was good and never accepted money from me. I did pick up some of the cost when I went to see her. Most chinese woman are thrifty. If you go to see her you will get an idea what she is like. A majority of chinese woman do look 10-15 years younger. (I know that is too bad ) Than what we think they should look like. I stayed with yan on my trip to china .We did travel some.I am not rich yan knew this it was not a problem. She is thrifty also. So it works out well. I made one trip to china. It was a year before we met. I dropped less than $6000 total to get her here. She did pay her own ticket here. She is a wonderfull person to live with.

No big problems so far.

Edited December 9, 2008 by lostinblue (see edit history)

[Clement & Emily]

Here are my opinions (in red) below...blunt but to the point...

 

Within 2 weeks of the first email, my GF was already talking about Marriage, She loved me, Wants to come to my home forever.

 

- That's a RED flag to me

 

Do Chinese woman use the word love and mean something different that what men in the US consider the word love ? My GF speaks no English whatsoever. All our emails are thru her translator.

 

- A matured Chinese woman don't just proclaim her love for someone over the web within such a short time

 

 

About 4 weeks into our emails, she says she wants to take English Lessons from her translator and asks if I could help her with cost. She asked for $440 USD a month for lessons.

 

- That's a BIG RED FLAG: asking for money from someone she has never met & proclaimed her love to that man 2 weeks before...

 

At this point in the relationship, I said no, but did buy her the complete Rosetta Stone English course which I sent to her and was received.

 

- Very wise of you to do this!

 

Last month I got a email saying that her monthly income was 2400 Yaun. Her translator was charging her $2.00 UDS for each 400 Chinese Characters and that her lat month translation fare was 1800 Yaun. She asks if I can help her with translation costs.

 

- Again, trying to extract money from your wallet.

 

Emails;

I have tried to share all about my life, my hobbies, what I like to do, in other words get her into conversation so both of us could learn more about each other.

Her emails are empty, sharing very little about her. Yet, in most cases she will answer any question I have. Since early October till now, I really dont know much more than I did in the first emails. She does not open up and talk about her life, her dreams, her wants, her future. She just wants to marry me and live a life of "happiness and harmony"

 

- My wife said this woman just want a green card and you are her potential ticket.

 

Her Pictures;

For a person apparently not having a good income, she has sent me a lot of pictures, professionally done, reworked with Photoshop (exif file shows photoshop)

Pictures that look like a Glamour Shoot for a woman's magazine. They are beautiful, she is stunning. How can she afford these pictures and not be able to afford emails ?

 

- If you want to waste your time, ask her for some recent and dated regular day-to-day photos.

 

Money;

I m retired, built a beautiful home complex in northern Maine. I built a large Greenhouse for my exwife. My GF wants to grow flowers, I told her the greenhouse would be hers, yet no talk as if she were excited. I live well, build serious 4x4 trucks as a hobby. Yet, I must watch my expenses as I am on a fixed retirement income along with my investments. In reading Candle for Love, I note that many of you have made many trips to China, gifts, Visa costs. In projecting costs to bring my GF tot he US, I can see at least $30,000.00 USD or more. Is this somewhere near correct ?

 

- If loosing $30,000 is not an issue to you, perhaps breaking your heart down the road is something you might want to avoid.

 

Marriage;

My GF suggests one trip to Beijing to meet for a few weeks, then start the K1 Process. I suggested we cant fall in love for life in just 2 weeks, we cant even talk to each other. She said she will bring a electronic translator. She said " I be a good wife, I not cause you problem" She is in such a rush to get the K1 process started and get married ? How many trips did most of you guys make before you asked your GF to marry you ?

 

- I've made 4 trips to China in total. I started K-1 process 14 months after the 1st visit. To me, rushing to start the K-1 process for someone you hardly knew doesn't make sense at all.

 

English Lessons;

My GF says she works from 7am to 10 pm and is to tired to study the Rosetta Stone English. She says she will learn English in the "future". She eludes that the future is after she is in the US. OOOPS ! She says our eyes, hands and her electronic translator will let us communicate until she learns English. I just bought Rosetta Stone Chinese to try to learn some Chinese. Wow, what a tough language to learn.

It could be years before my GF could join in conversation with our friends or even with just me. Can this be made to work ?

 

- Sounds like she has no intention on developing a meaningful relationship with you until after she arrived in U.S. Maybe that's not important to you...

 

Culture;

I live in northern Maine, winters are terrible cold, 35 below zero are accepted, she is from South China, what a world of difference. I live remote, its a 150 mile round trip to a large city. Up here, its more of a frontier life, you make your own entertainment, especially in the winter. Two people really have to be compatible to survive. My GF has knitted me a scarf for Christmas, its in the mail now. She really seems to care.

 

- From what I've read so far, you are a hopeless romantic looking for love and someone was about to mail you a scarf "Made In China" widely available in clothing stores everywhere or from Walmart China.

 

 

K1 Interview;

All we have is emails to show a relationship. If I did agree to only one meeting in Beijing, we have little to show for a real relationship and her interview/K1 might be rejected as a possible marriage fraud. Then all this money and time is lost and emotional feelings. We are both hurt. I dont want my GF hurt.

 

- Think about protecting yourself first...

 

My GF reply to any question I raise on all the above concerns is " I be good wife,I not cause you problem". "We have happiness and harmony"

 

- Generic answers to specific questions = I'm not interested in addressing any concerns you have...just get me out of China.

 

My head is spinning, Thanks for your thought...Sorry for the long post

 

- Take a deep breath and try see this from a different perspective. Imagine your 18 year old son is telling you this story about a Chinese woman he met online under the same circumstances.

 

 

[Li & John]

Jeff,

To me, she sounds like a gold digger. She does not even know you and asking for money? Don't fall into the trap. You only known each other for 2 weeks and she is telling you that she loves you? She doesn't. My wife never asked me for a penny, even if I offered. There are plenty of other women out there that are good. Maybe you could try other websites. You sound like a good man please be careful.

[warpedbored]

Chinese women usually do not say I love you easily. Especially in a new relationship. This is the translator trying to reel you in. Asking for money is also a huge red flag. The glamour shots are not unusual, Chinese women seem to enjoy getting them taken. Your safest bet is to get an introduction from someone. Most of our wives (mine included)know suitable women who are a known entity. If you would like an introduction there are many people here who can accomodate you.

[Guest Tony n Terrific]

Jeff you are recieving some very good information here. I was attracted to my wife instantly. She was sort of aloof at first. Not a needy type with please I love you so much and I wish to marry you on the second or 3rd e-mail.

Some of these translator services are actually marriage brokers for their Chinese Clients. They charge a translating fee per letter or one very large fee from the outset of the contract. These translator services are profeessional love letter writers. They will tell you what you wish to hear. When I was getting aquainted with my future wife I read this article on Asian winds I believe about International marriage scams. You may find it interesting and informative.

 

 

International Marriage Scam

 

There are several variations Internet Marriage Scams. Usually the target, male or female is contacted through mutual desire to meet. Internet!!! Date/Mate sites, magazines, etc.

 

The person is then groomed into the con. Takes about 4-9 months. Remember your desires are the catalyst to keep you happy, they ask for items in increments, small additional living cost, accommodations etc then get a commitment to marry. That is what their ad states (looking for marriage), because you think it is a different culture you say they are just very direct, why beat around the bush, its more convenient and "that's what I was on the site for too" The reputation of foreign wives is good. You may have just been hooked, do some further checking, make a surprise trip or if possible...feel the situation.

 

Soft and wonderful emails of new love, soft to the ear and the heart, promises of a full and healthy relationship. The mark will be brought into the financial aspect of the con when they take the hook and bait.

 

It is a long con, could last several years, usually a minimum of 1 to 3 years.

 

Goals of the con:

 

1. Financial- to obtain a financial target or goal, increased lifestyle, new homes, condos, autos, bilk the mark anywhere from 10,000.00 to 100's of thousands of dollars more the better. Send large sums of money back to home country on one false pretext or another.

 

2. Obtain entry into a foreign country through marriage.

 

3. Ultimately when the top goal is satisfied, to end the relationship, return to the home country, to the original "unmarried" "true" spouse, marry this person, hopefully having not been caught for fraud, and live the goal lifestyle obtained.

 

If the wedding is fast, hold your wallet and get ready to lose everything. If they determine you are not the wealth mine they were looking for, Wham-o-Bam-o hang on and be ready for a rough ride, they will claim they are unhappy, do almost anything for a divorce early. This ensures there will probably be no property to split. You tried your best but have probably already done good amount of damage to your life savings and or general income.

 

If love = money...think!

 

If something smells funny, it is probably rotten. The fraud is simple, difficult to detect. If you do become suspicious and you are married, hire a private detective in the country or city where your spouse is, if your bold go home on a unannounced trip with gifts. If their arms are open of surprise and happiness your probably o.k.

 

If not, you will know and it could get dangerous, do not stay, fight or argue, have the next flight same day already booked and move on. Recommendation: always use Private Detective agency when possible minimum of 2-3 surveillances over 1-2 months. Get your information. If you are wealthy this could protect prior family, children of previous marriage, your wealth and your sanity. As well as your life!

 

If you can try to find a way to live there, if they don't want you living there, your probably putting a dent into someone else's...the "true" spouses love/sex life. It significantly raises the possibility of the two of them being caught. In most of these countries, jails and prisons are not good places to be so do not do anything if you catch them, leave. You'll know if something's up. Emotional body and spoken language says volumes, so does your intimacy, pay attention. If you do not feel anything wrong, your probably o.k. have a great marriage and a good life.

 

If you suspect a scam/fraud, do not contact their local authority; contact your home country immigration authority and State Department after you have left the country.

 

These persons have played on your heart, hard earned money so it is best to catch the fraud as quickly as possible into the relationship so you can move on...lesson learned.

 

If any men or women who have had a similar experience, or suspect you are the mark, take some action before you are left in tears, broken "divorced" and damaged "used" goods.

 

I hope everyone gets a good and healthy relationship built on honesty, intimacy and life long love. This is what we all hope and pray for.

Edited December 10, 2008 by Tony n Terrific (see edit history)

[Guest Rob & Jin]

its a difficult one,

 

we have members here who met there wives through "translators" and are doing fine, others did not and got scammed.

using a translator is not necessarily a "reg flag" but certainly a obstacle/complication.

 

Same for asking for money to learn english, classes vary alot in cost depending on class size, etc.....

 

As for expessing her love and desire for marriage so quickly... unusual maybe, does she have childeren etc... ?

 

Does she have her own computer/email or access to them (internet bar) ? if so Jin (my wife) will translate for you both for free.

 

if I was you just take it slow, meet her sure, just keep your head level and follow your gut.

 

Good luck

[Urkidding]

Should I forget a Chinese wife with all their wonderful qualities and keep searching for a US Wife, and hope she will have the quality of a Chinese Wife ?

 

 

Jeff, take some advice here from others and then listen to what I have to say.

 

Look for a nice Chinese wife here in the US. Meet one AOL matchmakers or Yahoo Singles. There are thousands out there.

 

Narrow your choice down to an Asian women living in the US near you or in California. Take a trip out to California, say either LA or San Francisco and have fun meeting them and maybe starting a romantic relationship.

 

You might be surprised what you will find¡­

 

You can also save some time¡­ and money looking here too!

 

Then later (after you get married) you both can go to China for a vacation trip.

[heyjimi]

First drop the translator,see what you have.Translators,put their own twist on things,at the very least.

let the girl,write to you in chinese,(if she has a computer) it is very easy to translate with online translator software,most translations are fair translations,you get the idea what she is saying. In the begining,My wife used her friend to help translate the letters,i remember,after having visited my wife in China.I came home,back to emails , anyway in one of the letters it said,something corny like....."i wake up 4 o clock in the morning to read your email".......and knowing my wife......she loves me,but i know she is not waking up 4 o clock in the morning to do anything.I told my wife to drop her friend as translator,write directly to me.My wife was giving her friend the letters my wife wrote, to translate in english,and my wife is 46,from old china......doesn't easily spit out the words...i love you,,,,but her friend thought,a bit boring,lets spice it up a bit.

anyway, first step is to get rid of the translator,see if them red flags still appear,My wife never asked a dime from me.

The "I love you" after 2 weeks of emails,is a bit creepy.Hey,just my thoughts on the subject.

 

jimi

[sweattrl1]

my wife told me that there are a lot of con artist in china , some use women to sucker men into pouring out the money, a lot of women in china have very little english skills, so some con men use them as a prop to score, use caution , to many red flags, you can use web cam with dial up, i use to have dial up , so far she know more about you , and you know nothing about her, before i would plan a trip to china , i think i would have to know more than she is offering to tell,and pictures and make up can make anyone look good so on this deal think with your head and not your Johnson, i wish you the best of luck, and God bless you