Wife travel to china for a long time

[C4Racer]

You should schedule a trip over there prior to the three months are up; return with her; if she refused to leave (worse case scenario), then leave with your son. Even that may not mean she doesn't want to return to you and son, but the depth of her missing home or life in china is something that only she can understand and experience.

 

The problem I see with this advise, is technically speaking, you must have permission from the other parent to travel with a child alone. The letter you carry spells out your specific detailed itinerary including dates, flight schedule and countries traveled. I gave one to my wife when she returned to China alone with our son. She was never asked for it, but I hear it is common that leaving the US no one seems to ask for it, but returning to US you must have this letter. I don't know for sure as neither of us have gone this way with only our son, but this is what I heard from someone who does this all the time with children to/from Mexico. I agree with the OP. The answers he needs are only available through a lawyer. He needs one that deals specifically with international family law.

[amanda1969]

You are actually making a really good point. I am not so much worried about her leaving me than I am not seeing my son again. I really really did not want to spill too much here. My wife is not stepping up to the plate a whole lot. I expected her to have the motivation that she had in China. To have a career, take care of herself, and have freedom. Even though this is not the case, she is still great in a lot of ways. And a great mother to our child.

 

But she knows most of this too. And would easily stay in China because she knows these issues.

It sounds like that your son is more important than your wife in your mind.Your son needs love both from you and your wife if you have good marriage together.

It comes into my mind that you want to get ready to divorce not her ...Please take care of your wife especially when she is taking care of your son everyday. It is really hard work to look after a little child. Please understand your wife...She is tired and sleepy everyday...

 

 

Amanda,

 

My wife is very important. I guess you are not understanding. I do know how difficult it is to take care of a child. I also want her to be able to take care of herself. I care enough about us all to want her be self to sufficient. My job keeps me gone from 7 in the morning until 7 in the evening. It also afford us a good living financially to where we don't have to worry about food and unexpected expenses. I want her to learn English so she can speak it to our son. I want her to be able to drive a car better so she can shop and drive our son to the doctor. It is hard for me to do my job and drive everyone everywhere. She needs to have the same freedoms as every other American. Sometimes she won't try and it is frustrating for BOTH of us.

 

That is why I could see her staying in China. I want her to motivate herself because when I express this to her it is like criticism. But I can't continue to do all of this.

 

 

I guess you have to understand your wife's situation and then you can understand what I said... Your son is so little that he needs his mother to look after him carefully and because of this reason your wife has to be at his side every moment... so she has no time and no other energy to learn driving or go to school to study English better...When I recall the time when my son at his early age, in my mind looking after him made me tired and sleepy... I even could not eat meals because I was afraid of him falling down because he did not know any danger... Only at the time when he went to sleep I could eat something and do laundry and other cleaning...So I guess when your wife has to take care your son, she has no chance and time to learn something new. Besides, she is doing hard work for your son she is easily to get angry... Both you and your wife have to adapt to this.

Please keep paitence and your wife will make progress.

My husband told me driving is a life style in USA. I hope I will learn before I move to USA. I also hope my English will be better in order to adapt to the new country and my husband. but I am lucky because my son is 14 years old I do not have to take care of him as he was 1 or 2 years old. He is growing up quickly and he is even taller than me. The problem is I have to find a better way to let him listen to me...lol. He is a good son and good student but he still needs me to educate him. This is another way of looking after children which is a challenge for parents unlike just meet his basic needs for eating and health when he was 1 or 2 years old...

Anyway, life is good which I have been through the process of living...

 

My suggestion is that join your wife to look after son not always talk about the things that right now she doesn't have time or enough energy to do...I guess that is why she looks your motivation to her as criticism.

Wife needs you to understand what she does for your son and your family when you are at work and how she is feeling about that.This job is more difficut than your working at your office. If you stayed at home to look after son everyday you would know the feeling would be...

 

BTW,I do not want to criticise you or argue with you.

Because I was at my hard work with my son when he was very little age I try to give you some experiences from me as suggestions.I wish you have new perspective to look at your wife in a new way after you read my suggestions...

 

Hope you, wife and son are the best!

 

Amanda from China

 

Amanda, you give a good point of view, but my first question would be has she ever had the motivation? If the answer is no. Then there could be other reasons for her lack of motivation, like being home sick. If she is home sick and returning to China, then his original question bears some looking into for answers. Especially if they have had other problems.

 

My wife got pregnant within a few months of coming to America. She was still motivated to learn English and driving both. She took ESL classes and learned to drive while she was pregnant. Once Garrett was born, she took a short pause from both, but being highly motivated to learn, she asked me to step up and help look after son. No problem, my son is my pride and joy. I took care of son at night while she went to ESL classes. She was better at driving so I made sure she drove everywhere we went. She also started beauty school so she could get her licenses and find a job. I took care of son evenings and weekends so she could go to school and study. I understand that each couple and situation is different, but if the motivation is there, there are ways to handle having children and pursing career options at the same time. Now that he is six months daycare is also an option. I understand each couple will handle the situation different, but my point of view is that having kids by itself should not be a sole reason for pursuing other things like learning English. Especially if the husband is willing to step up to the plate and help his wife in anyway he can.

Wow,you have such a wonderful wife!Your wife is a good example to show the importance of motivation in one's life. And you have a good point of view which Bill23 wants his wife to have.

But what I concern is their relationship. Since we have to face Bill23 himself not his wife, I guess to persuade him to understand his wife better would be helpful for them.

[bill23]

Amanda,

 

I understand my wife pretty well. I have to admit that under any circumstance I believe you would support a Chinese woman over an American man. It is in your words that I say this. I certainly know the difficulty in taking care of a small child. I don't know why you would assume that I haven't had the privelege to do that as well. I also clean house, shop, and cook a good bit too. Under any circumstance, I will be sending my son and wife over to China for at least a couple of months over the Chinese New Year. I also aim to visit if possible but I have to work all of January and February.

 

Saying bad things over the internet is really not what I wanted here. I just want others experiences and legal issue since my son is an American citizen.

[ameriken]

Amanda,

 

I understand my wife pretty well. I have to admit that under any circumstance I believe you would support a Chinese woman over an American man. It is in your words that I say this. I certainly know the difficulty in taking care of a small child. I don't know why you would assume that I haven't had the privelege to do that as well. I also clean house, shop, and cook a good bit too. Under any circumstance, I will be sending my son and wife over to China for at least a couple of months over the Chinese New Year. I also aim to visit if possible but I have to work all of January and February.

 

Saying bad things over the internet is really not what I wanted here. I just want others experiences and legal issue since my son is an American citizen.

Bill, you know your relationship, and you obviously seem to have good reason to think there is an outside chance that she may not return with your son. I know you didnt ask for relationship advice, but rather what appears to be closer to legal advice, and I am not sure there is an answer.

 

It is my guess that once she and your child are in China, I doubt the US would have any power or jurisidiction about your child. That leaves the Chinese gov't, and whether they will help or not would be a crapshoot.....my guess would be that you'd be SOL.

 

Based on that, if it were me, I would be doing some research in advance with an immigration and/or family attorney (or both) before she leaves for China. Since your child is a USC, I would also call to the US Consular General or an Embassy official in China to see if they could yield some directions. I doubt it, but a call wouldn't hurt.

 

All in all, I do hope she returns so you don't have to deal with that worst case scenario. But again, try and do some legal research now before she leaves. Good luck....

[bill23]

Amanda,

 

I understand my wife pretty well. I have to admit that under any circumstance I believe you would support a Chinese woman over an American man. It is in your words that I say this. I certainly know the difficulty in taking care of a small child. I don't know why you would assume that I haven't had the privelege to do that as well. I also clean house, shop, and cook a good bit too. Under any circumstance, I will be sending my son and wife over to China for at least a couple of months over the Chinese New Year. I also aim to visit if possible but I have to work all of January and February.

 

Saying bad things over the internet is really not what I wanted here. I just want others experiences and legal issue since my son is an American citizen.

Bill, you know your relationship, and you obviously seem to have good reason to think there is an outside chance that she may not return with your son. I know you didnt ask for relationship advice, but rather what appears to be closer to legal advice, and I am not sure there is an answer.

 

It is my guess that once she and your child are in China, I doubt the US would have any power or jurisidiction about your child. That leaves the Chinese gov't, and whether they will help or not would be a crapshoot.....my guess would be that you'd be SOL.

 

Based on that, if it were me, I would be doing some research in advance with an immigration and/or family attorney (or both) before she leaves for China. Since your child is a USC, I would also call to the US Consular General or an Embassy official in China to see if they could yield some directions. I doubt it, but a call wouldn't hurt.

 

All in all, I do hope she returns so you don't have to deal with that worst case scenario. But again, try and do some legal research now before she leaves. Good luck....

 

 

Thank You, I will do that. I really do believe that she will come back and that she loves me. Like I said, our life is far from perfect. She really thought coming here would things would come much easier. Her taking the time and effort to master English would help her so much. It is not as easy now with taking care of a baby, and that is why I really encouraged her during her pregnancy. And the English is better but she needs to stay with it. She just need more confidence.

 

I want everyone to know that she is a great person. I respect her. She wants most of the same things that I want but she has to learn that it all takes work. Now she is unhappy with her weight and is concerned of what people in China will say to her. But she won't lay off the fatty foods.

[chilton747]

It is obvious to me that this a misunderstanding between cultures. Pregnancy and the rearing of a young child is nowhere near the same as we know it here in the US. Your attempts to "Americanize" her might not be working. She is Chinese to the core and you can't change that! Isn't that one of the things that appealed to you when you met her? You have to take the good with the bad.

Good luck to you!

[amanda1969]

Amanda,

 

I understand my wife pretty well. I have to admit that under any circumstance I believe you would support a Chinese woman over an American man. It is in your words that I say this. I certainly know the difficulty in taking care of a small child. I don't know why you would assume that I haven't had the privelege to do that as well. I also clean house, shop, and cook a good bit too. Under any circumstance, I will be sending my son and wife over to China for at least a couple of months over the Chinese New Year. I also aim to visit if possible but I have to work all of January and February.

 

Saying bad things over the internet is really not what I wanted here. I just want others experiences and legal issue since my son is an American citizen.

Bill,

It was you who brought up this question as "Wife travel to china for a long time".And you were worrying about if your wife could come back in time. This issue coming into my mind was your relationship.Since I cannot read or talk to your wife's opinion, I have to try my best to let you understand your wife in a better way.I guess a husband who has good relationship with his wife could not worry about such a kind of thing.Well, I do not want to criticise you or support Chinese woman only because I am a Chinese woman. I do hope both of you are very well and build up a good relationship. This is my best wish for you and your family.It was the best wish why I expressed my opinion.

 

If you think my words are trash, ok. But I do think only you can know the problem between you and wife.I just gave some suggestions not comments on you!

 

I never say bad things on internet.I am not that kind of person.My suggestions are based on real experiences not bias.I also do not want to offend you.

 

I guess if I could read your wife's opinion, I would suggest her to follow your opinion that she should have more movtivation in life. Therefore, my purpose is to let both of you understand each other better standing in each other's shoes.

 

Best wish to you and your wife,

Amanda

Edited July 7, 2008 by amanda1969 (see edit history)

[bill23]

Amanda,

 

Thanks. I did not take anything that you said personally. I just feel like I have tried hard to resolve many of the issues. It takes more than one person. Believe me in that I have many faults. Taking care of my family is not one of them.

[amanda1969]

Amanda,

 

Thanks. I did not take anything that you said personally. I just feel like I have tried hard to resolve many of the issues. It takes more than one person. Believe me in that I have many faults. Taking care of my family is not one of them.

You are welcome.

I was not talking about whose faults would be...I would like to talk about the importance of better understanding and better communication to handle with some relationship issues.

I also hope your wife can have more movtivation in life and believe that your idea is good for her and son's life instead of thinking of criticism.It is not easy to adapt to a new country but having more action to learn is helpful.

Life is for real because people have to face its all of good and bad...

 

Wish your wife,son and you are the best,

 

Amanda from China

[Robert S.]

Three months is normal.

 

My advice is the same I always give. In China she has a cell phone which she keeps turned on ALL the time. You can call her at any time and she will answer. If this is not in effect then you don't have a relationship. Period. This goes for fiancees, wives, etc.

 

Also for your peace of mind, despite it being more expensive, you could insist that the airplane ticket be bought and paid for as a two-way ticket.

[whutthapho]

Gee, how dare you ask for advice and consider protecting YOUR parental rights!!!

 

If you're really concerned about your wife possibly disappearing with your son. A few suggestions...

 

Keep records in a safe deposit box.

 

1. Obtain his DNA sample & take a paternity test before he leaves.

2. Make copies of his Visa & passport, etc.

3. Make copies of airline tickets (could help prove/pinpoint entry).

4. Make copies of pictures.

5. Obtain fingerprints & footprints. The local PD should have an anti-abduction program.

6. Make copies of her passport, ID, etc.

7. Draft a letter of agreement, documenting that she is only taking your son to China for vacation and agrees to return him to the U.S. (translate to Chinese and have both the English and Chinese copies signed by both of you & notarized). The reason for this is that once she's gone, she could make up any story she wants...you put them out, you told her you agreed that she could take him to live in China, etc.

 

IF she then doesn't return as agreed, report your son's kidnapping...call the local police, FBI, Chinese Embassy, and American Cosulate in China. Hire an investigator.

 

Good luck...

[Joanne]

I don't see any way that she could get your son a Chinese citizenship. I agree with what Trigg said.

[SmilingAsia]

Bill, your wife got pregnant when you barely had time to learn to live with each other. Language barrier, cultural shock, home sick, not easy for a woman of your wife' s age to cope with. She is not an independent western woman.

 

Give your wife a Chinese cultural relief of 3 months. Her family in China will also enjoy playing with your son, but nobody would be so stupid to spend huge $$ to get him a Chinese citizenship

 

It's so difficult for a woman to raise a child in China (unless she is highly educated and has a successful career), it would be more difficult to raise a little American citizen .

 

Talk sweetly to your wife on the phone or Skype when she is in China. She will miss you and the American comforts when she is in China.

 

By the end of 3 months, your in-laws will be happy to see you come to take your wife and son home .

[virtuelover]

That is too long~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Minister]

Give your wife a Chinese cultural relief of 3 months. Her family in China will also enjoy playing with your son, but nobody would be so stupid to spend huge $$ to get him a Chinese citizenship

 

It's so difficult for a woman to raise a child in China (unless she is highly educated and has a successful career), it would be more difficult to raise a little American citizen .

 

Talk sweetly to your wife on the phone or Skype when she is in China. She will miss you and the American comforts when she is in China.

 

By the end of 3 months, your in-laws will be happy to see you come to take your wife and son home .

 

I second SmilingAsia's opinion. I have a friend with a Japanese wife who actually returns to Japan for two months of every year to "recharge her batteries". (He sometimes refers to it as "sending her back to the factory for service"). Most Chinese also tend to take family visit vacations that seem crazy long to Americans. My wife's folks lived in our house for more than a month before our wedding.

 

Incidentally, Ben Franklin was right. Fish and house guests stink after three days. -_^ (Just kidding! I already miss them... And her father's cooking!)

 

Anyway, it is also important to note that, in China, it is not uncommon for couples to live apart for months at a time for working reasons. A split is not always a bad thing like it would be in an American marriage. I won't be able to go to China for next year's Spring Festival, but we might send my wife if she isn't working yet. I would expect her to be gone for at least a month just to, "Get her money's worth for the plane tickets!"

 

In conclusion, you know where they're going and how to get in touch with them. So I would say, "There's no reason for you to worry until there's a reason for you to worry."

Edited July 17, 2008 by Minister (see edit history)