Wife travel to china for a long time

[SheLikesME?]

Stay calm. Three months stay is very reasonable. And she hasn't gone back for 2 years. You shouldn't be so negative. She is not leaving you. My wife's situation is a lot worst. Four years here and three trips back (First time 5.75 months, second time 4 months, third time 2.5 months).

I wish that the wife and girls will go back to China for a year or 3 but it aint happened yet, damnit... And really what is the worst thing that can happen, she goes over with the kid and you never see either again, then 20 years later he looks you up and you have a new woman or man in your life, its all good

You must be on vacation Mike

 

 

I have a situation myself and even the best of them can sure figure an angle on you. If you suspect then why take the chance. Refuse.

 

On the other hand is there someone or anyone who would keep track of her and let you know? What is her track record on telling you the truth? Now there is a subject. Truth is just what makes one feel good in my wifes head, when she wants it to be that way.

 

 

 

PS: I remember your pic and user name.

Edited July 3, 2008 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)

[ken88]

Wow! It has been a while since I have posted here. I am hoping someone can give me a little advice here. I am sure almost nobody remembers me here. My wife and I married in October 06. Things have been far from perfect but ok. We enrolled her in school for a while but she really didn't give the kind of effort. Her english is better and we can communicate.

 

Anyhow the question. We had a son, both our first, in December 2007. And he is great. Neely has not been back to China since coming here and of course she wants to go. I want her to go as well. I guess I am a little concerned that she wants to stay for 3 months. She thinks it is a short time. I can't imagine not seeing my son for that long but understand it will have been two years since she has seen her family.

 

Is this reasonable? And, do I have protections if she decides that she wants to keep our son in China. I know his VISA will only be that long but would the China or American government find him and send him back if she somehow did not want to come back?

 

If I were U, I will not let her go for 3 months. She should go and see her parents, relatives and friends. She should go for 2-3 weeks like every body else. I do not know the nature or the "texture" of your relationship. Depending on that, you can do it the soft way or the hard way.

 

Soft way: Honey! you know I love you very much. I am so used to having you and the baby next to me, I can not live alone too long without you. Even living without you for 2 weeks is very hard for me. Make the vacation just 2 weeks. Be with your mother the whole 14 days, etc.

 

Hard way: Every body in the US takes vacation only for 2 weeks. You also take 2 weeks. Now we are a family and I want you here with me all the time. More over, I will miss you and our son very badly.

 

The best thing for you to do will be for all of you to go together to china for 2 weeks. I am sure she will like that better than going alone for 3 months.

 

Ken88

[hakkamike]

Yes honey I go for 3 weeks love you long time, sorry honey I think you say 3 months lol lol, u stupid man u say 3 monts u no no nothing stupid, for that I show u 3 more months u stupid..

[jim_julian]

Thinking out of the box ...

 

Let her go. Keep son in the US. You and son go over for the last week or so of her stay and all three come home together.

 

This is very difficult. Issues of trust are painful. Good luck.

[hakkamike]

Thinking out of the box ...

 

Let her go. Keep son in the US. You and son go over for the last week or so of her stay and all three come home together.

 

This is very difficult. Issues of trust are painful. Good luck.

Sorta like you can go but the P@#$y has to stay here lol lol..

[amanda1969]

Wow! It has been a while since I have posted here. I am hoping someone can give me a little advice here. I am sure almost nobody remembers me here. My wife and I married in October 06. Things have been far from perfect but ok. We enrolled her in school for a while but she really didn't give the kind of effort. Her english is better and we can communicate.

 

Anyhow the question. We had a son, both our first, in December 2007. And he is great. Neely has not been back to China since coming here and of course she wants to go. I want her to go as well. I guess I am a little concerned that she wants to stay for 3 months. She thinks it is a short time. I can't imagine not seeing my son for that long but understand it will have been two years since she has seen her family.

 

Is this reasonable? And, do I have protections if she decides that she wants to keep our son in China. I know his VISA will only be that long but would the China or American government find him and send him back if she somehow did not want to come back?

 

give her the farm in confidence...

its not uncommon for an extended stay.

 

maybe she can go over by herself than when the 3 months is up you make the puddle jump and have a little vaction for yourself and bring your family home.

 

 

 

Not a bad idea but do you know the answer to my question? If a worse case scenario happened, I would need a lot of help.

Why do you think a worse case? I believe you should talk to your wife in a very open way. Say all of your concern and your love for her. and then see her response. Only you can judge your relationship with her.

If you trust her she will trust you!

Good luck.

 

Amanda

 

 

Amanda,

 

I have reason to believe that I can both trust her and not trust her. For the most part I do trust her. I do not have a desire to quote specific examples of things in our lives that would make me ask this question. I do want her and my son to visit China and see her family even though the outcome could be bad.

 

I have talked to her very openly. But unfortunately, you cannot take things back that you have said previously, even if you apologize for it. Quite frankly, she thinks our child is hers and not so much mine. Is that a cultural difference? She is the one who stays home and takes care of him. And I respect that. She has not adapted to America as well as I would have liked. The Chinese always know best. But in my opinion, that is not always the case.

 

This has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with the worst case scenario legal issue in the small chance should it happen.

As son's mother, she can extend son's China visa in order to stay in China for longer time.It is not difficult for her to do if she wants.As for

she thinks your son is hers not so much yours, what I believe is for Chinese women,their children are one of the most important persons in the world.I cannot say if this is cultural difference but as a mother of myself, when I wanted to divorce many years ago,I tried my best to be

custody of my son. If you wanted her to give up custody of your son, I think it is very difficult because son is always her part of life. Well, your son is at his such a young age and your wife has to take care of him everyday, does she have enough time to adapt to the real USA sociaty so well? She even has no chance to do such kind of things especially your son is so little.

So my suggestion is to talk ,talk and talk to her. Good communication always does work.

I do not think she wants to raise your son alone because raising a child

is not easy to do in China as a single mother. What I mentioned is not only money.

 

Wish two of you are the best.

 

 

Amanda from China

[hakkamike]

Wow! It has been a while since I have posted here. I am hoping someone can give me a little advice here. I am sure almost nobody remembers me here. My wife and I married in October 06. Things have been far from perfect but ok. We enrolled her in school for a while but she really didn't give the kind of effort. Her english is better and we can communicate.

 

Anyhow the question. We had a son, both our first, in December 2007. And he is great. Neely has not been back to China since coming here and of course she wants to go. I want her to go as well. I guess I am a little concerned that she wants to stay for 3 months. She thinks it is a short time. I can't imagine not seeing my son for that long but understand it will have been two years since she has seen her family.

 

Is this reasonable? And, do I have protections if she decides that she wants to keep our son in China. I know his VISA will only be that long but would the China or American government find him and send him back if she somehow did not want to come back?

 

give her the farm in confidence...

its not uncommon for an extended stay.

 

maybe she can go over by herself than when the 3 months is up you make the puddle jump and have a little vaction for yourself and bring your family home.

 

 

 

Not a bad idea but do you know the answer to my question? If a worse case scenario happened, I would need a lot of help.

Why do you think a worse case? I believe you should talk to your wife in a very open way. Say all of your concern and your love for her. and then see her response. Only you can judge your relationship with her.

If you trust her she will trust you!

Good luck.

 

Amanda

 

 

Amanda,

 

I have reason to believe that I can both trust her and not trust her. For the most part I do trust her. I do not have a desire to quote specific examples of things in our lives that would make me ask this question. I do want her and my son to visit China and see her family even though the outcome could be bad.

 

I have talked to her very openly. But unfortunately, you cannot take things back that you have said previously, even if you apologize for it. Quite frankly, she thinks our child is hers and not so much mine. Is that a cultural difference? She is the one who stays home and takes care of him. And I respect that. She has not adapted to America as well as I would have liked. The Chinese always know best. But in my opinion, that is not always the case.

 

This has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with the worst case scenario legal issue in the small chance should it happen.

As son's mother, she can extend son's China visa in order to stay in China for longer time.It is not difficult for her to do if she wants.As for

she thinks your son is hers not so much yours, what I believe is for Chinese women,their children are one of the most important persons in the world.I cannot say if this is cultural difference but as a mother of myself, when I wanted to divorce many years ago,I tried my best to be

custody of my son. If you wanted her to give up custody of your son, I think it is very difficult because son is always her part of life. Well, your son is at his such a young age and your wife has to take care of him everyday, does she have enough time to adapt to the real USA sociaty so well? She even has no chance to do such kind of things especially your son is so little.

So my suggestion is to talk ,talk and talk to her. Good communication always does work.

I do not think she wants to raise your son alone because raising a child

is not easy to do in China as a single mother. What I mentioned is not only money.

 

Wish two of you are the best.

 

 

Amanda from China

Yes you may be right that he may not even be the father

[amanda1969]

I understand some of this.

 

But lets be a little more specific. Let's assume she decides that she wants to keep our son and stay in China. Our son is an American citizen and only has a Visa for three months. Will the American and Chinese government assist me?

 

I think I have to sign something stating it is ok for Neely to take him to visit his grandparents. Will it state something more than this, this document. I am doing due diligence as best I can here. I just want to learn the facts just in case. My marriage is far from perfect but we try together as best we can.

Does she want to divorce? Or do you see some clues that she wants? if not, please calm down. You have worried too much!

[warpedbored]

Extended stays are very common. She hasn't been home in 2 years she has a lot to catch up on. My wife went to China for 2 weeks 2 years ago and had to come back. It was too short. This year she is going for 5 weeks and I will join her the last 2. If she could get 3 months off from work to go she would. Either you trust her or you don't. If you don't then either work it out or get a divorce.

Edited July 3, 2008 by warpedbored (see edit history)

[izus]

 

I do not think she wants to raise your son alone because raising a child

is not easy to do in China as a single mother. What I mentioned is not only money.

 

Wish two of you are the best.

 

 

Amanda from China

 

very valid points Amanda..

im wondering what her age is, alot of younger women might not realize the importance of a childs father being around.

 

i would let her go... give her your trust.

let her know your going over to meet them and pick them up after her 3 months are up.

[Guest lilac6451]

Something comes into my mind, so I just speak it out. I hope I will not offend anyone.

 

Why do you bring up this question? To me, an outsider, I almost can jump to the conclusion that you dont actually want her to come back if, by any way, you can get your son back, which seems to be all that you are concerning about. That is very sad in a relationship.

 

Of course, I dont know the whole story, I might be wrong.

Edited July 3, 2008 by lilac6451 (see edit history)

[Li & John]

I understand some of this.

 

But lets be a little more specific. Let's assume she decides that she wants to keep our son and stay in China. Our son is an American citizen and only has a Visa for three months. Will the American and Chinese government assist me?

 

I think I have to sign something stating it is ok for Neely to take him to visit his grandparents. Will it state something more than this, this document. I am doing due diligence as best I can here. I just want to learn the facts just in case. My marriage is far from perfect but we try together as best we can.

I think the best thing for you to do is talk to an attorney and find out what your legal rights are.

 

Take Care

[georgeandli]

As to the length of the visit, it's not unusually long by the Chinese way of thinking. Couples in the States often send their children over for the summer. Married couples sometimes see each other only 4 or 6 weeks a year depending on work situations. Quality not quantity. Part #2 is the issue to resolve. If you're not comfortable with the length of time compromise with half. Don't bother with legalities before hand because once she is over there if she doesn't want to return there won't be any way to "force" her to. IMHO

[C4Racer]

Stays of 2 or 3 months are very common. Almost all of Lisa's friends go for two months. It's a long way to go and she is going home. If she is anything like my wife, she has lots of family and friends to catch up with and show off the new baby. 2 or 3 weeks will not be enough. My wife went back to China alone with our 1 year old son for two months in 2006. I then took two weeks at the end, met up with them and we came home together. Makes for a great family vacation and the grandparents get to see or should I say dote over the new baby. Lisa's parents were absolutely the best attentive grandparents one could ever imagine. They were showing off their grandson to everyone. Of course, he was rather spoiled during his stay.

[IllinoisDave]

Seems like you have two issues. Length of stay and "Will she come back?" As to the first, as others have mentioned it's not only common to go for an extended period but practical. Spending that much money on a plane ticket and only staying for two or three weeks? And after she's been away from China for so long? I'm sure she's got many friends and relatives who want to see not only her but the new baby as well. I"m trying to see the issue from her side, not just from the American "everyone takes two weeks vacation" perspective. JMHO.

 

As for the second issue? Unless she's made specific threats about not coming back or keeping your son from you, all you an go on is your gut instinct. You know her better than any of us so I don't feel comfortable giving you advice on what to do. My opinion though, is that not letting her go or restricting her to a short stay is bound to have a negative effect on a relationship regardless. I don't envy the dilemma you face. I hope it works out for you and your family.

 

Good luck.