How to Make Friends and Influence People

[Minister]

Ok, so I think we have some Chinese neighbors. I kind of want to meet them. But then, I kind of don't. Let me explain.

 

I've done my best since my li'l Angel moved to the states to help her meet new friends. I've introduced American girls and couples, Japanese girls and couples (she lived in Japan for 10 years), and also, Chinese girls and couples. I've even been lucky enough to find a few Chinese girls of about her age that lived in Japan too. That seemed pretty sweet to me... I thought that these girls especially would have something in common with my wife and that maybe they could be friends.

 

Well...

 

Boy, was I wrong.

How can I say this delicately...

 

Chinese...

 

Well...

 

Chinese girls don't seem to like each other very much.

 

Sometimes, they seem to be very competitive, have some regional prejudices, and, to say it very directly; They sometimes have a tendency to assume the worst about each other. I would like to say that this is just my observation. But really, my wife, and other Chinese people that I have met have told me this very plainly. I've seen it too. There is a TREMENDOUS tendency among Chinese to compare themselves to each other. Sometimes, this can be very stressful.

 

Finally. My attempts to make friends with Americans and Japanese have gone swimmingly. But, so far, attempts to make Chinese friends have been cordial at best and, well, passive aggressively hostile at worst.

 

But somewhere in my heart, I just think that we will someday meet those Chinese people / Chinese-American couple that will really be a support to my wife and help her to fully adjust to American life.

 

So, I put forth to the forum here, is there hope for the dream or is it a lost cause? What's been your opinion or experience?

 

Hooray for the internet!

[Dennis143]

I assume you are an American male, Podre?

 

Many of our CFL wives have a nice network here in the states.

 

Yes, I have observed strong rivalry among Chinese teen to early twenty girls. However, this seems to wane with time. Chinese women can be very hard on other women, especially those who do not conform to standards set forth by their social mores.

 

Also understand guanxi - relationships and connections. Most Chinese are not interested in being your casual friend unless there is something in it for them.

[Sebastian]

I'll echo yer results - seems to be the same IME. Like Dennis Said, GuanXi is important. My wife's connections are vast - I had no idea until I met them all.. Yikes! It even runs into the extended families - there's one auntie (tai tai type) that she can't stand, won't ever get along with, but the daughter and my wife are best friends!

 

Mostly, non-family connections get really serious in college and university, then spread out and become useful as they get into work and government jobs..

[Robert S.]

My wife is a very friendly person and everybody she meets likes her, but she does not have any friends, except for me, I think. She is close to her cousins in China and that is it, except for one girlfriend of hers from many years ago. She will make friends with somebody but when that thing that brought them together for a short time is over she fails to follow up with that person. It is really bizarre to me how she can charm the heck out of people but then let them go like nothing. She does not even keep in touch with her brother. I have criticized her harshly for this but she tells me I do not understand. Yeah, true, I don't comprehend. I guess it has to do with the fact that with China's population any one person is totally expendable.

[TootTaLu]

Ok, so I think we have some Chinese neighbors. I kind of want to meet them. But then, I kind of don't. Let me explain.

 

I've done my best since my li'l Angel moved to the states to help her meet new friends. I've introduced American girls and couples, Japanese girls and couples (she lived in Japan for 10 years), and also, Chinese girls and couples. I've even been lucky enough to find a few Chinese girls of about her age that lived in Japan too. That seemed pretty sweet to me... I thought that these girls especially would have something in common with my wife and that maybe they could be friends.

 

Well...

 

Boy, was I wrong.

How can I say this delicately...

 

Chinese...

 

Well...

 

Chinese girls don't seem to like each other very much.

 

Sometimes, they seem to be very competitive, have some regional prejudices, and, to say it very directly; They sometimes have a tendency to assume the worst about each other. I would like to say that this is just my observation. But really, my wife, and other Chinese people that I have met have told me this very plainly. I've seen it too. There is a TREMENDOUS tendency among Chinese to compare themselves to each other. Sometimes, this can be very stressful.

 

Finally. My attempts to make friends with Americans and Japanese have gone swimmingly. But, so far, attempts to make Chinese friends have been cordial at best and, well, passive aggressively hostile at worst.

 

But somewhere in my heart, I just think that we will someday meet those Chinese people / Chinese-American couple that will really be a support to my wife and help her to fully adjust to American life.

 

So, I put forth to the forum here, is there hope for the dream or is it a lost cause? What's been your opinion or experience?

 

Hooray for the internet!

My experience in America.No China groupies/Sinophiles allowed!

 

Show up witha Chinese wife on your arm,you will be treated nicely,but in America I think Chinese people tend to be more private,just like Americans.

(Absolutely no concept of the desire privacy or quiet time in China).

 

As a traveler in China,I have made the closest and most "loyal" friends I have ever met in my life,and they remain in email contact regularly,for years.

Though I have never "met" anyone on the internet,email has made all this possible)

I can only think of a couple of Chinese people,in China,that I have actually lost contact with.

 

Japanese people I have met traveling,or in Japan,have always rolled out the red carpet for me,but this seems to be out of an "obligation" rather than a hand toolede friendship offering.

I do have a few real "friends" in Japan,but nothing compared to China.

 

Koreans (South)? Forget about it.

They will actually walk up to you in the street,kind of like people do in China,and introduce themselves.They will even invite you to tour the city or have a lunch date.Even when you feel something special about the Korean,like a real friendship contact,they just fade away eventually.They will approach you,ask to make photos together,then never even bother to email the photos to you.

I have a few very close South Korean friends.

The men in Korea operate on different levels,so unless they have been introduced they dont know where you fit in,so they dont invite you over to their table like Chinese will.

Koreans are uptight.

[david_dawei]

what city in china is your wife from?

[esun41]

My wife is more friendly to her Chinese friends that ARE NOT overly friendly to me, if that makes sense. If someone gets along with me better than her... she has something to say about it... FOR HOURS ON END... B)

[Minister]

My wife is from the town of Shenyang.

[JamesnYuHong]

My wife doesn't seem to value having very close Chinese female friends. She likes to have a network -- people she can call on if she needs something, and vice versa. If she doesn't see value in the person in that way -- for example, if she doesn't think the person would come to her aid if she needed them -- she has no use for them.

She knows tons and tons of people, but we don't really hang out with most of them and she doesn't chat with them much on the phone. We had one Chinese female friend we used to hang out with all the time, she was like our sister, but she has moved away.

When our kids are born, I imagine she may bond with other local Chinese woman over play-dates, babysitting tradeoffs, and things like that? Who knows. If there isn't a directed purpose, it usually doesn't seem to appeal to her all that much.

Life was so hard in China for some many years, among those over about age 30 who come from the working class, who had time to sit and chit-chat about the weather? Most actions in life had to be geared toward a practical purpose. and that's the way my wife still rolls.

[jim_julian]

After two years in the US my wife doesn't really have any close friends.

 

Getting together with our CFL group here in SoCal is something she's always up for. Every now and then she'll call one of the ladies from this group but they never get together in pairs or small groups.

 

Like the OP, I too have tried to create lots of opportunity for friends. It's always me taking the initiative to invite people over etc. Our Deacon invited Lao Po out for coffee last week and also included a Korean lady who goes to our church. A friendship discussion was on the Deacon's agenda (ok I had talked to her) ... interestingly, the Korean lady, who has been here for 17 years also said she had no close friends.

 

To make it even stranger, Lao Po always had a close friend or two in China (in addition to the active social life with relatives). Lao Po and her lady friends in China would go shopping for clothes together, play dihzu or mahjong, or just do the hang at each others home thing.

 

What makes my head spin is that Lao Po sometimes says she would like to have a close friend but then when I suggest that she get together with (fill in the blank) her response is normally that she doesn't need to as I am her best friend and we have each other.

 

My current approach is not to push "solutions" but to continue to create opportunities in as subtle a way that I can.

[Joanne]

Ok, so I think we have some Chinese neighbors. I kind of want to meet them. But then, I kind of don't. Let me explain.

 

I've done my best since my li'l Angel moved to the states to help her meet new friends. I've introduced American girls and couples, Japanese girls and couples (she lived in Japan for 10 years), and also, Chinese girls and couples. I've even been lucky enough to find a few Chinese girls of about her age that lived in Japan too. That seemed pretty sweet to me... I thought that these girls especially would have something in common with my wife and that maybe they could be friends.

 

Well...

 

Boy, was I wrong.

How can I say this delicately...

 

Chinese...

 

Well...

 

Chinese girls don't seem to like each other very much.

 

Sometimes, they seem to be very competitive, have some regional prejudices, and, to say it very directly; They sometimes have a tendency to assume the worst about each other. I would like to say that this is just my observation. But really, my wife, and other Chinese people that I have met have told me this very plainly. I've seen it too. There is a TREMENDOUS tendency among Chinese to compare themselves to each other. Sometimes, this can be very stressful.

 

Finally. My attempts to make friends with Americans and Japanese have gone swimmingly. But, so far, attempts to make Chinese friends have been cordial at best and, well, passive aggressively hostile at worst.

 

But somewhere in my heart, I just think that we will someday meet those Chinese people / Chinese-American couple that will really be a support to my wife and help her to fully adjust to American life.

 

So, I put forth to the forum here, is there hope for the dream or is it a lost cause? What's been your opinion or experience?

 

Hooray for the internet!

 

 

It is a little difficult for the newly arrived Chinese wives to make close Chinese friend due to some reasons:

 

- If the Chinese wife doesn't work, the only thing she can talk about with the other Chinese ladies would be closely related to their family, i.e., their American husband. Certainly you would not like your wife comparing notes with others about you, or would you? Your wife might also like to keep these personal matters private. Therefore, there is lack of topic for making friendly talks.

 

- Another related issue is that when you see the Chinese women around as good candidate as your wife's friends, the only thing they have in common are that they may have stayed in the same country or even same city before, and of course they are all Chinese. This is as if to say that I should be able to make friend with all women in Shanghai, since I lived there for a few years.

 

- At last, your definition of "friends" can be different from your wife's definition of "friends". I noticed, women are pickier on their identification of friends. They don't call anyone they can talk to "friends". There got to be a deeper relationship to it. I have a good neighbor, a senior lady who lives alone. I chat with her almost every time I see her, listen to her complaints (about other things), drive her to stores, take her to lunch, etc. I like her and she is nice, but I don't call her a friend, because I would not be able to carry out any deep talk with her, and she would not be much interested in knowing my family, my culture, my opinions of life in general either.

 

- Chinese ladies don't make friends based on whether that person would be any use later on. However, one expect their friends to pitch-in when there is difficulty. If a person don't help while he/she is able to, that person then disqualifies as a friend.

 

....

Just some thoughts, not quite organized.

[SmilingAsia]

Taiwanese and Hong Kong people think mainland Chinese are rough, country people.

Overseas Chinese (especially older generation) hate mainland Chinese for what Commies had done before 1980s.

[Robert S.]

Taiwanese and Hong Kong people think mainland Chinese are rough, country people.

Overseas Chinese (especially older generation) hate mainland Chinese for what Commies had done before 1980s.

Please, you can give us some more in depth knowledge about how Chinese ladies think about the subject of being friends than that, can't you? When I saw that you had posted I was hoping for something that would help us to understand this situation a little better. We marry a Chinese lady, a person who is quite mysterious, but it is fun and interesting to try to understand her. On this subject, though, the culture gap seems to be insurmountable.

[NewDay2006]

Well put Joanne.

 

 

 

 

It is a little difficult for the newly arrived Chinese wives to make close Chinese friend due to some reasons:

 

- If the Chinese wife doesn't work, the only thing she can talk about with the other Chinese ladies would be closely related to their family, i.e., their American husband. Certainly you would not like your wife comparing notes with others about you, or would you? Your wife might also like to keep these personal matters private. Therefore, there is lack of topic for making friendly talks.

 

- Another related issue is that when you see the Chinese women around as good candidate as your wife's friends, the only thing they have in common are that they may have stayed in the same country or even same city before, and of course they are all Chinese. This is as if to say that I should be able to make friend with all women in Shanghai, since I lived there for a few years.

 

- At last, your definition of "friends" can be different from your wife's definition of "friends". I noticed, women are pickier on their identification of friends. They don't call anyone they can talk to "friends". There got to be a deeper relationship to it. I have a good neighbor, a senior lady who lives alone. I chat with her almost every time I see her, listen to her complaints (about other things), drive her to stores, take her to lunch, etc. I like her and she is nice, but I don't call her a friend, because I would not be able to carry out any deep talk with her, and she would not be much interested in knowing my family, my culture, my opinions of life in general either.

 

- Chinese ladies don't make friends based on whether that person would be any use later on. However, one expect their friends to pitch-in when there is difficulty. If a person don't help while he/she is able to, that person then disqualifies as a friend.

 

....

Just some thoughts, not quite organized.

Edited April 23, 2008 by NewDay2006 (see edit history)

[Minister]

Well, thanks everyone for your input and ideas. I think I can get the gist of things and I will not worry so much about it.

 

It is true that I don't expect my wife to become friends with anyone just because their Chinese. I think this would be compararble to someone saying to me, "You're from Detroit, huh? Do you know Frank?"

 

But then, I did harbor the idea that people who shared the experience of life in China, Japan, and the United States might find something to talk about with her and that maybe a friendship would form and provide a support to her that I can't. But I seem to be having more luck just introducing her to my couple-friends. And that may be good enough.

 

I do agree with everyone that a nonworking girl (no job yet) may not have much to talk about with new people. But honestly, I find that most Chinese and Japanese people have no end of fun talking together about how America is too dark, the food is too sweet, the place is too country, everything is too boring, the water is too cold, the meat is too salty, the cars are too big... (-_^)

 

In any case, I will take the advice of people here and not worry about it. I will just do my best to introduce us to all kinds of friends and not worry about finding a Chinese support group.

 

BUT...

 

If there are any metro Detroiters out there interested in Sunday morning dim sum.... -_^