BIG problems with Little Chinese Wife

[Cerberus]

I have been having problems with my wife since we married Sept 7, 2007.

 

Within a few weeks of my return, she suddenly loses her phone and communications grind to a halt when she wants me to send her $400 for a new phone?!? I was in the process of moving half-way across the country here in the U.S. EXACTLY with her timing, just came back, was stretched on my budget finances... I bought her a NEW Motorola for $100 ready to send to her. She didn't seem enthused to receive and we had problems.

 

Several months of limited communications with her telling me I could not take care of her?!?

 

I am having alot of difficulties with this and have tried to explain the finance situation. 2 houses, moved, trip/marriage costs... so many things to look at. I'm an engineer making about $70,000. Just started my job, expect to get a bonus this spring after my 1st year review (I just started basically), waiting to sell my 1st house and jumped the gun buying a 2nd.... still paying back my education loans (how do you get a job without paying for your education??)... the list goes on and on.

 

My finances are tight at ths time but steadily stabilizing. Once I sell my 1st house, I expect to clear about $60,000 on that alone. Buying my 2nd house required me of course to make a large downpayment and I did this BEFORE I was married. Married in September 2007. Purchased house August 1, 2007. I had enough to buy a nice ring for $3500, fly over there, spend money to be married cost me around $8,000 if I recall.

 

She unfortunately seems to be comparing me to a person she knows that is 45 married to a man 55 who works in Saudi Arabia in the oil fields and travls back to china to live with his wife. He gives her $700 each month! Pays no taxes because he is an ex-patriat and is supporting a roof over his head and food on the table on 30 day rotations for his work. COMPLETELY ABSOLUTELY NO COMPARISON to myself.... except my new job deals with an oil services company coincidentally..... but I am 35.... not 55... gaining experience and working my way up the ladder. Paying bills and making ends meet as rapidly as possible.

 

My financial situation is rather good to be honest. I have budgeted $200 per month to place in a bank account for her to draw on. For her province this is very good money. For her status, 24 and no job living with her mother... this is FREE money and should be sufficient.

 

A man I spoke with told me he was sending his wife $325 to support her going to English school, her daughter in college, pay for her food and her own apartment!! $200 for my wife and freeing up my resources to pay for her visa, plane tickets, pay off loans while I am establishing myself in a new community..... all preparation for her arrival.

 

I have tried to explain this, sent my bank documents to her with the ATM card (which unfortunately from what I understand she cannot get to work at the moment, I gave her the passcode again and told her to try a few ATM machines)...... the issue keeps coming around.... she thinks I do not make enough to take care of her?!?!!!??

 

I KNOW my income is sufficient. I am extremely responsible with my finances. I do not go out to the bars like I was when I was young. I have been paying back everything to the banks as quickly as possible and waiting for my 1st house to sell. I do NOT want to provide her funds to be going out the bars or other things either. I think $200 is sufficient. I lived and worked in China in 2005.

 

I don't know what to think. She has given me such trouble. Not answering the phone so many times, no responding to my text messages..... told me this morning that I was "small" and hung up the phone on me when I told her I was placing $200 each month into the account that I provided her for the bank card.

 

I was going to put more money into the account also today in anticipation of her using the funds to purchase tickets to meet me in Shanghai in March. I just bought that ticket a few weeks ago and have been trying to make preparations for my arrival with her. She has been doing nothing but stalling.....

 

I hate to say.... but my experience with Chinese women at this point is absolutely horrific. The first one wanted to use me for access to our country...... kicked her to the curb. Now the one that I thought was for real.... only seems to want money and not a relationship. I have tried to explain, explain, explain.... she thinks I don't make enough to be married with $70,000 income??? I have a degree, moving up in my career field, and know that within the next 5 or 7 years I should be in the $100,000 range!!!

 

What should I do about this? I have received my I-130 receipt and now sent off the I-129F. I thought I had things back on track ... but then her behavior is disheartening.

 

If I want to buy a woman.... I will go to the local strip club. NOT be treated like an ass with OUR finances ignored and expected to simply pay up or no talk......

 

What should I do about a chinese woman playing this game with me???????????

If you really think she's playing a game with you, then I think you've pretty much answered your own question no?

 

I'll be honest with my opinion. As I read your post I was thinking that she sounded pretty immature. Then when I saw her age it made sense. I'm sure there are plenty of very mature 24 year olds in China. She doesn't sound like one of them. Sorry.

Drew,

 

Don't really know what to say to comfort you. I do agree with several posters. However you have to decide for yourself.

 

It sounds like she is playing the eternal Thailand game of matching suitors off against each other. Whoever has all the gold, makes the rules. However, this is my opinion only.

 

IMHO, you have enough "red flags" What is the adage, throwing good money after bad?

 

You have the start on an excellent well-paying career with the prospects of seeing it increase more in the future. You are 35, for God's sake! You can't find another person, that probably wouldn't stand in line to meet you? LOL

 

However, one poster pointed out and I hope I paraphrase them accurately; "Money ain't everything! " Money is merely a "vehicle" to get from point A to B.

 

No one has mentioned it yet, however, I will venture onto the long part of the branch. You might want to consult with an attorney, to size up your possible future options. No! I'm not saying that you are this stage yet! However, it might be prudent, to know exactly how much you have to lose! Most especially with your home(s). If she is a money grubbing babe, I can definitely assure you that she knows where the gold mine is!

 

I truly pray that it works out for the both of you, no matter what the outcome is.

 

Dave

[Guest knloregon]

Geeze Drew,

 

How good are you at judging character? I may not be the best myself, so what I try to do is take the whole getting to know another person slowwwly...... (Even then, I ended up with the EX from hell...)

 

By most of the standards here, you are a very young guy----no need to rush, but also no need for more drama... I think you already know that if you try to patch this up you are ultimately just going to go another round---of being Jerked around----by Miss pretty-petite...

 

Don't see how you can ignore divorce, though. My advice: Cut her off, go to China, hire a good divorce lawyer, get it done. Look, you were in China a year? You know China? You have a leg up on most here. Even if you start with the internet sites, good Chinese women are going to drool over you... All depends on how you present your self----Mr. Money Bags---or Mr. Family Man.. If you are REALLY interested in family (kids) (including CHINESE family) ---you sir, are: "In like flin" ---- take it slow, DATE, get to know several women---go back to China to meet them, without pressure.....

 

But you first have to dump this Btch... and don't look back!

[NUWORLD]

I try to call call call. Her cell phone will not ring?? It is just dead silence?

 

I call her mother's house. Her mother answered once... then hung up the phone when I asked my wife's name. Said nothing.

 

I think this has come to a head for me. 1 month ago she played this game also when I had a ticket to come Christmas. She would not help me make plane arrangements then either. Now I make plane tickets for March... and still this.....

 

I guess this is the end of the line for me as of today. I know what everyone is telling me.

 

I am currently out $8,000 between the ring, plane tickets, wedding photos, hotels, transportation, etc.

 

I could be out a lot more.

 

I married in China, so I guess just let her sit and stew for the 2 year mandate and allow her to go in for her own divorce if she insists. I don't care anymore. I have had it.

 

My mind, energy, efforts.... for what??? A girl that just expects a paycheck and won't involve herself in a relationship?

 

If she does not come to her senses and arrange to meet with me in March, then this will all be the end result. I will walk away and put this behind me.

 

The question I have for anyone is, since I am married legally, filed my I-130 and have invested what I have to date.... do I file married on my income taxes if I am going to end up divorced anyway? I do not fully comprehend the situation I am in because I NEVER anticipated this!

 

I will give this thru March like I stated... then cut it all off. Communication, efforts, emotions, etc.

 

What's messed up is every girl has done this to me... then wants back!!! I have a girlfriend from 7 years ago trying to get back with me for the past 4 years. I won't allow her but she keeps trying.

 

My ex from China also treated me so badly then wanted to fix things. She showed up pregnant with another man's child trying to pass off as mine. That was a nightmare. Then expected me to forget everything she did wrong and allow her back.

 

Several others in my past .... same situation. They always think the grass is greener on the other side.... then realize they lost a guy that actually cared about them.

 

 

Like others have said: Cut it off NOW!!

As for the other girls and girl friends, It sounds like to me there only see $$$$$ 70K a year!!!!

 

Maybe try NOT TELLING these woman how much money you make or have!

[Drew]

This was going on BEFORE I was making income. Girls break up with me but then want me back. I had one girl end up in the mental clinic with a nervous breakdown because I walked out on her after catching her with another man. 2 years later she finds me and begs me to let her back. Again, before my career.

 

Several times over the years this has happened to myself and also to my own sister with guys. It's very very strange. Each of us have given our ALL to the relationship, been used, and cheated on. Relationship falls apart and then ..... they want back because they never had someone treat them so well or felt so comfortable with someone?!?

 

As far as money goes, I told my wife how much because I had too. We are married and I needed her to understand I am not poor. She thinks I am poor though because she cannot understand finance and financial responsibility. If she owned her own house, she would understand.

 

Anyway, I have not woed women with money. Never do the "buy a girlfriend" routine by dazzling them with money... even if I had it when I was younger... never did this. I have always been on the low side of the money spectrum, but run into women who push me for it... then tell me later they made big mistake.

 

Sickening......

 

I try to call call call. Her cell phone will not ring?? It is just dead silence?

 

I call her mother's house. Her mother answered once... then hung up the phone when I asked my wife's name. Said nothing.

 

I think this has come to a head for me. 1 month ago she played this game also when I had a ticket to come Christmas. She would not help me make plane arrangements then either. Now I make plane tickets for March... and still this.....

 

I guess this is the end of the line for me as of today. I know what everyone is telling me.

 

I am currently out $8,000 between the ring, plane tickets, wedding photos, hotels, transportation, etc.

 

I could be out a lot more.

 

I married in China, so I guess just let her sit and stew for the 2 year mandate and allow her to go in for her own divorce if she insists. I don't care anymore. I have had it.

 

My mind, energy, efforts.... for what??? A girl that just expects a paycheck and won't involve herself in a relationship?

 

If she does not come to her senses and arrange to meet with me in March, then this will all be the end result. I will walk away and put this behind me.

 

The question I have for anyone is, since I am married legally, filed my I-130 and have invested what I have to date.... do I file married on my income taxes if I am going to end up divorced anyway? I do not fully comprehend the situation I am in because I NEVER anticipated this!

 

I will give this thru March like I stated... then cut it all off. Communication, efforts, emotions, etc.

 

What's messed up is every girl has done this to me... then wants back!!! I have a girlfriend from 7 years ago trying to get back with me for the past 4 years. I won't allow her but she keeps trying.

 

My ex from China also treated me so badly then wanted to fix things. She showed up pregnant with another man's child trying to pass off as mine. That was a nightmare. Then expected me to forget everything she did wrong and allow her back.

 

Several others in my past .... same situation. They always think the grass is greener on the other side.... then realize they lost a guy that actually cared about them.

 

 

Like others have said: Cut it off NOW!!

As for the other girls and girl friends, It sounds like to me there only see $$$$$ 70K a year!!!!

 

Maybe try NOT TELLING these woman how much money you make or have!

[NUWORLD]

This was going on BEFORE I was making income. Girls break up with me but then want me back. I had one girl end up in the mental clinic with a nervous breakdown because I walked out on her after catching her with another man. 2 years later she finds me and begs me to let her back. Again, before my career.

 

Several times over the years this has happened to myself and also to my own sister with guys. It's very very strange. Each of us have given our ALL to the relationship, been used, and cheated on. Relationship falls apart and then ..... they want back because they never had someone treat them so well or felt so comfortable with someone?!?

 

As far as money goes, I told my wife how much because I had too. We are married and I needed her to understand I am not poor. She thinks I am poor though because she cannot understand finance and financial responsibility. If she owned her own house, she would understand.

 

Anyway, I have not woed women with money. Never do the "buy a girlfriend" routine by dazzling them with money... even if I had it when I was younger... never did this. I have always been on the low side of the money spectrum, but run into women who push me for it... then tell me later they made big mistake.

 

Sickening......

 

I try to call call call. Her cell phone will not ring?? It is just dead silence?

 

I call her mother's house. Her mother answered once... then hung up the phone when I asked my wife's name. Said nothing.

 

I think this has come to a head for me. 1 month ago she played this game also when I had a ticket to come Christmas. She would not help me make plane arrangements then either. Now I make plane tickets for March... and still this.....

 

I guess this is the end of the line for me as of today. I know what everyone is telling me.

 

I am currently out $8,000 between the ring, plane tickets, wedding photos, hotels, transportation, etc.

 

I could be out a lot more.

 

I married in China, so I guess just let her sit and stew for the 2 year mandate and allow her to go in for her own divorce if she insists. I don't care anymore. I have had it.

 

My mind, energy, efforts.... for what??? A girl that just expects a paycheck and won't involve herself in a relationship?

 

If she does not come to her senses and arrange to meet with me in March, then this will all be the end result. I will walk away and put this behind me.

 

The question I have for anyone is, since I am married legally, filed my I-130 and have invested what I have to date.... do I file married on my income taxes if I am going to end up divorced anyway? I do not fully comprehend the situation I am in because I NEVER anticipated this!

 

I will give this thru March like I stated... then cut it all off. Communication, efforts, emotions, etc.

 

What's messed up is every girl has done this to me... then wants back!!! I have a girlfriend from 7 years ago trying to get back with me for the past 4 years. I won't allow her but she keeps trying.

 

My ex from China also treated me so badly then wanted to fix things. She showed up pregnant with another man's child trying to pass off as mine. That was a nightmare. Then expected me to forget everything she did wrong and allow her back.

 

Several others in my past .... same situation. They always think the grass is greener on the other side.... then realize they lost a guy that actually cared about them.

 

 

Like others have said: Cut it off NOW!!

As for the other girls and girl friends, It sounds like to me there only see $$$$$ 70K a year!!!!

 

Maybe try NOT TELLING these woman how much money you make or have!

 

Very well said my friend and i respect that!!

 

I must say as i read your reply i about fell out of my chair with laughter

Like i said i respect ya, I my self have been there done that.

If i had a dollar for every time the phone rings for my wife ( I never get phone calls ) ( I would be a rich man ) the first question that comes from my wife friends is HOW IS MICHAEL DOING£¿ They very rarely ask how she is doing.

So i know how ya feel.

 

But back on topic: Do what ya gota do!

¡¡

[chilton747]

Drew if all you said is true then you have a classic case of being drawn to this type of woman. I have seen others like this. I think that it is very possible that you can learn how NOT to be drawn to these types by getting the right counseling. Getting involved with a mate that gives you an instant "feel good" is often a land mine.

[LENJIA]

My wife and I look on here all of the time and read a lot of post, don't do much reply s but this is different, get rid of her as soon as you can and before she takes everything you have and destroys you're life. It sounds like you are off to a good future, don't let her ruin it for you, its not worth it.

[ameriken]

Drew if all you said is true then you have a classic case of being drawn to this type of woman. I have seen others like this. I think that it is very possible that you can learn how NOT to be drawn to these types by getting the right counseling. Getting involved with a mate that gives you an instant "feel good" is often a land mine.

Drew, to follow up with Chiltons suggestion, here is some practical help you can access. You deserve to be in a relationship where both the man and the woman love each other equally for who they are, not for their status, finances, or what they have or can give.

 

I had some bad success finding the right woman too. There are a couple of books/websites that other members have posted that may be really helpful to you.

 

One is :

 

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/

 

I havent read this, but it appears to be similar to the one I am more familiar with. The one that really helped me avoid such trouble that you and others have had and helped me find my current wife is:

 

http://www.doclove.com

 

His name is Tom Hodges, and he spent the past 25 years interviewing women on what they do and dont want in a man and a relationship, and more importantly, what it is that makes them fall in love and stay with one particular man, regardless of his economics, status, etc.

 

He converts the results into helpful information for men looking for a permanent relationship. He also writes www.askmen.com. Here is the link to his articles, it will give you a taste of his philosophies.

 

http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove/index.html

 

Read the stories and letter there......you'll find you can relate to these other men. It may even help you clarify what is going on right now with your wife.

 

His advice is counter-intuitive. For example, when a man and woman are dating, and she is not in love with him and wants to find someone else, most women may says "I need some space", I need time to think" or "We need a break from each other".

 

What do most men do? Beg her, buy flower, call and call, and the begging and chasing makes her run away faster. His suggestions are to let her go...if she is not interested in you, begging, flowers, calling, etc will not change it. Sadly, most men will continue to hunt and chase and beg.

 

As Chilton explained in another post, when you find a woman who is truly interested you for who you are, she will overcome obstacles to be with you. You wont hear excuses like "I am too busy" or "I have other plans" and such. You will also not need to 'change' your faults to make her happy, because she will accept your strengths and shortcomings as they are.

 

Had I not read it, I probably would be posting in the 'endings and goodbyes' section also. Instead, I found my current wife and have a relationship that has exceeded my expectations. We love and respect each other as we are. For example, when we encounter financial turbulence and difficulties, she helps, and does not respond in the manner which you described.

 

I promise you, if you read and learn these philosophies, and follow his suggestions, you will see yourself differently, you will act differently, and will find a woman whom you will love you for who you are, and you both will have a wonderful relationship built on mutual love and respect for each other.

 

And don't give up on Chinese women either.....there are millions of wonderful women there, and I am sure you can find the right one for you.

[Claire]

Geeze Drew,

 

How good are you at judging character? I may not be the best myself, so what I try to do is take the whole getting to know another person slowwwly...... (Even then, I ended up with the EX from hell...)

 

By most of the standards here, you are a very young guy----no need to rush, but also no need for more drama... I think you already know that if you try to patch this up you are ultimately just going to go another round---of being Jerked around----by Miss pretty-petite...

 

Don't see how you can ignore divorce, though. My advice: Cut her off, go to China, hire a good divorce lawyer, get it done. Look, you were in China a year? You know China? You have a leg up on most here. Even if you start with the internet sites, good Chinese women are going to drool over you... All depends on how you present your self----Mr. Money Bags---or Mr. Family Man.. If you are REALLY interested in family (kids) (including CHINESE family) ---you sir, are: "In like flin" ---- take it slow, DATE, get to know several women---go back to China to meet them, without pressure.....

 

But you first have to dump this Btch... and don't look back!

 

 

I second that. You deserve better Drew! There are plenty of asian in the US who are hardworking and aren't drawn to money. Make the right choice pal.

 

This kind of woman is very common in China especially off from Guangdong. They want money. In their mind, $1000 is nothing to a USC. Most women think USC are RICH AS HECK. This is probably why your wife is playing 'mood games' to get your attention. The phone hanging up, is a game she is playing to get you to go back to her and beg on your knees, say your sorry and hand her $$$$ to make up.

 

Don't fall for it man! If you speak to her the next time, speak with confidence and tell her you're not falling for her games. If all she wants is money, then say your goodbyes asap.

 

There are plenty of asians in the US who are educated and mature when it comes to life.

 

Wish you the best no matter what happens.

 

"Everything happens for the best."

[ameriken]

My wife feels that many people in China have this distorted view that all Americans are overloaded with money pouring our ears and rears.

[Jay & Ping]

Drew, I understand your troubles. I often think I was very lucky - and I was. I was very cautious considering my involvement with a Chinese national. My fiancee and I met via a website. A friend had set me up on it as a birthday gift (bless her). My fiancee contacted me first with a shy hello. I replied with my thanks and my reluctance to begin a long distance relationship. She sent a kind reply and a lovely letter that just got under my skin. We had polite and friendly conversations until I received an email from her Godmother in San Diego. I agreed to meet with her to understand this woman I met on line. Our conversations were difficult through the translators. Her Godmother helped me to understand the history of this woman I was falling in love with. It was very helpful. Her Godmother would make a great VO! Boy did I get drilled!

Everyone doesn't have that advantage, but you can proceed with caution. I bumped up my emails and verified the information I received from her Godmother. I arranged a business trip to Guangzhou within a couple months. I could have easily gone to her hometown but I wanted to see if she would meet me "half" way. She made arrangements to watch over her daughter, bought her own airfare, and arrived to the airport hours before my arrival. She also arranged her flight to leave hours after my departure. "Be all time together" she would say. We spent a week together in a neutral city. She would not let me pay for anything. I arranged and paid for all the hotels and she arranged a 3 day bus tour. I could only pay for meals and items in the hotel because I was reimbursed. She made me feel relaxed and comfortable in an alien environment. I fell in love with her on that trip.

The point is, she went out of her way to be with me, to see that I was comfortable, and to learn about me.

I followed up with a trip to her hometown to meet her daughter, family, and friends. I was a nervous wreck. They all pampered me and made extra effort to entertain me. Another good signs.

Ping is a mature successful woman. She's done remarkably well as a single mother and has her own financial security. Our only arguments are when I try to pay for something. She knows I spend a lot to fly over. She feels I contribute enough.

So, in the future, first meetings - make her come halfway. Meet in neutral territory. You can then concentrate without distractions. If she isn't willing or can not that's not a good sign. You should know enough before you meet to know what she could reasonably afford to do. Make her stretch - your going all the way to China after all. If her friends and family don't support you guys -it ill be tough too.

I hope this is helpful. I am an extraordinarily lucky man. I knew I would be swept away when I visited her for the first time so I built in filters to safeguard my heart. She exceeded my expectations. I wish you similar good fortune.

[ameriken]

She would not let me pay for anything. She made me feel relaxed and comfortable in an alien environment. The point is, she went out of her way to be with me, to see that I was comfortable, and to learn about me.

 

What a great story Jay, I enjoyed reading that, and I certainly can ditto everything you said.

 

When I planned my first trip to meet her, she was trying to get time off from work. She wasn't sure she would get it. I told her it's ok, I can see her after work and on the weekend.

 

She told me "If they don't give me the time, I'll quit. I am not going to leave you stranded in Shanghai by yourself".

 

When I got there, she did the same thing with the money...was trying to pay for everything. Before I left, I was going to meet her whole family, mom, dad, aunts, uncles, etc (which is also a good sign). She said we would go to a restaurant, and that it was customary for the man to pay for everyone. Now, some men in that situation may think 'here goes Mr Moneybags, being the banker and paying for everything'.

 

I had no problem paying for it, but then she did the most amazing thing. You see, she had spent all of her remaining income on me during that trip. When we planned the restaurant dinner, it also turned out to be her monthly payday. She went to an ATM to see if the pay was deposited. It was......and she withdrew every penny, uh, RMB, and handed all the cash to me, and told me to use it for the dinner. She didnt want me paying for her family.

 

Like everything else she spent money on during that trip, I too had to fight with her over it, telling her I can cover it, and she refused to accept it.

 

The moral of the story......when a woman is truly looking for a relationship and falls in love with a man.......she will overcome all the obstacles, and will be a giver, not a taker.

Edited January 27, 2008 by ameriken (see edit history)

[Drew]

When I first met my wife, she came to Shanghai to meet me from Henan Province. She made all arrangements for plane tickets, hotel accomodations... everything. She actually came there a few weeks prior with a friend to make all the arrangements over a 1 week period of time!! She insisted on paying for everything upon my arrival and told me this before I came.

 

What ended up happening was me paying for half the hotel.... which was okay. The wedding photographs that she insisted she would take care of.... I had an $850 bill handed to me which caught me off guard. Sure, she paid the initial $400, but was altering what she had told me she would do. Fine, I paid with my American Express card. During that photograph day... everything was wonderful.

 

It was after when picking the photos and finding out how many we would actually get is when I realized she didn't tell me or prepare me in anyway. Later she told me it was the most expensive place in Shanghai (Paris Photographs) and what she wanted. I became upset when they would not give us additional photographs, but I was playing the hardball trying to get more like I had learned when living in China. She did not take this well and thought I was stingy because I would not simply accept what I received for the money?!? She wasn't bargaining?? She later went into a clothing retail store and paid $45 for a sweatshirt and pants that SHOULD have cost only $10!!! I asked her to find the market, but she would not take me??

 

When it came time to leave Shanghai for Zhengzhou in Henan province where she comes from, she became distraught in the car. It took me 5 months to find out why. I had made a comment she was stupid to spend such money on clothing like she did when we were in China and NEVER would pay that much money for items like that. Again... this took me 5 months to find this out!!!! All I can say is she became distraught and somewhat distant in our ride to HongChao airport. Perhaps I was an ass to say this. I thought perhaps it was because I tried to play hardball at the photograph place.... surprise...that didn't come up again.

 

Anyway, there are some things that upset her because I made it clear I don't just drop money carelessly on purchases. Also, I was constantly after her to find a hotel that was reasonably priced. I lived in China, I know the going rates. She was finding places that cost $90 a night! I knew we could find just as nice for $30 a night!

 

She had no comprehension of money it seemed. Which her mother told me with the translator herself later that she needed to be taught..... that was not a good sign either. But I was up for the challenge.... so I thought. My ex on the other hand.. was the most money conscious individual I had ever met. I assumed all chinese women were like this because of her.

 

Before she was upset because I was "not taking care of her" as she would put it because I was not sending money. I told her a bazillion times I was paying all the bills associated with a new home and having financial problems because of the expenditures that I was not prepared for.... right down to moving to a new city, expenses I was not prepared for, etc, etc. I corrected these issues per my strategy plan by end of December, paid the huge $4500 property tax bill and setup an account for her in November with a bank card sent to her in January.

 

She sat on the card 2 weeks before trying.... and now.... says I am "small" because I only planned on $200 each month per my families recommendations, personal knowledge of expenditures in China, and discussions with another man from this forum who sends money to his wife. She has yet to try to pull the money from what I can see. She didn't even try for so many weeks it made me wonder what is the problem? I have been trying to confirm if she accessed the account or not.... apparently not based on the account balance currently.

 

Anyway, I have fullfilled the part about "taking care of her" and have provided a financial means to "HELP" her with $200 each month. I am NOT supporting a separate household in China.. i.e. We do not have a house we are buying nor is she in the position requiring her to pay for all her own bills with own apartment or anything. I am also NOT a chinese national living and working in the U.S. sending back all my earnings to a wife and family back in China, living below my means to do this..... not at all the case scenario. She told me herself a few weeks ago when we started talking again after she received the card and documents that she was living at home with her mother, uncle, and stepsister.

 

Anyway, I guess I started out my response to say I was careful in making her meet me halfway, she paid half the costs including getting me to her home to see family, and even paid 30% (NOT 100% ) of the wedding photographs. I surprised her with and gave her a custom ring that I involved my own family i.e. sister's help and have done everything to try to make her understand everything by involving other individuals.

 

I requested the help of a local chinese woman here in Houston who called her and spoke with her on several occasions. A few weeks ago, I thought everything was on track again.... now it comes time to buy tickets to meet me, she had already stalled on trying the bank card, is upset that I am not giving her more than $200 a month when she asked me how much money is in the account. I told her I need know the tickets cost to put in the account... but difficult to do anything if she can't draw on it.

 

I also have another friend from Shanghai who works for a bank. He speaks very good english and I have provided him all my info about what is going on. He is going to call her Monday night, if he can get thru, have a conversation with her hopefully.

 

My father suggested I write a letter with each of the things I have done for her and what I have yet to do to bring her here, mention nothing of money and leave the door open to her what she wants. I will tell her that if everything seems to be insufficient for her and if she thinks she is going to find something else, then I leave that to her to decide if she wants a divorce.

 

If so, she will be a divorced woman previously married to an American, and that will be found out if she tries to remarry per Chinese requirements to provide documentation of previous marriages. Perhaps that will give the next guy a clue. If she decides to come back to reality.... then I will accept that gladly and work things out with her.

 

Tell me people. Is $200 sufficient??? Am I lowballing here???? I have had no one make a comment on this.

[Drew]

I just read the "giver... not taker" response.

 

I was warned of one thing.... she would give.... like an investment.... expecting to take in the end. Buy her way in.

 

I think this may be the scenario I ran into. Now she expects to cash in.

 

As mentioned before, she knows someone that gets $700 a month. But she fails to recognize the differences. Her husband LIVES with her, is an expatriat, pays not taxes....and $700 a month for food and roof over his head and a women at his side every night is chump change for him.

 

Little does she realize that the job he has is probably paying him in the 6 figure range and he is probably packing it away full steam ahead cutting all overhead expenses. Probably hasn't told her anything of this and just keeping her happy because he can. He has no expenses and works for the oil companies making buko bucks.

 

When I am 55, I am sure that I can arrange a similar situation. 20 years from now, should be no problem. I work for an oil services company as a project engineer. Hello.... I think I'm on my way. Projects I deal with are primarily targeted for Asia-Pacific, and I have been working specifically with the Asia-Pacific Director recently moved back from Singapore after 7 years to design equipment for over there.

 

Before that, I worked under the Global Director of Asia-Pacific for Ingersoll-Rand Bobcat setting up an assembly plant in Wuxi near Shanghai in 2005.

 

I have been carving my way, slowly but surely. Unfortunately a sick mother who has had 8 surgeries in 4 years after collapsing from a ruptured colon and had gone septic in Critical Care. All happened one day when I went home and she collapsed in my arms. She has been unable to work. I give her what I can also each month for now. Last surgery was 6 months ago.

 

I have come a long way and looked forward to a year without my wife coming here originaly planning on taking care of the financial burdens that I knew were ahead. i.e. I stay home, go nowhere (not even Christmas to see family), do nothing. Just go to work. Pay bills with ANYTHING I can scrape together including selling my stuff on Ebay.

 

I had all this planned out and expected by her arrival to be in a far better position. But.... she has made me feel anything I do is not good enough. She doesn't understand what I am trying to do... and hence... my ordeal with her.

 

Tomorrow night, I hope my friend from Shanghai is successful. If not, then like I said.... give her some time, anf if still nothing.... end it at her discretion.

[Dennis143]

Well, in a nutshell, it certainly appears that you had enough red flags waving in your face very early. Really, no one to blame but yourself there partner.