Culture, Custom or What?

[chilton747]

These kinds of questions will always give you a variation on 5 responces:

 

1. Dump her!!!

2. Just give her the money!!

3. Talk it over with her more and decide.

4. Look deep into your heart and go with your gut feeling.

5. I don't have enough information to give advice.

 

These will be mixed with real or imagined understanding of Chinese culture, personal experience, and personal prejudice.

 

In the end #5 is probably the most dead on. I'll throw in with a mix of 3 and 4. Those who say give her the money, or dump her are working in absolutes. Taking that kind of advice to heart can be dangerous.

 

YOU know how well you communicate, your feelings, if she has ever done anything suspicious, if you have doubts in your heart, etc... take those into account. Talk to her. Take her feelings and pressures into account. Then make a decision and discuss the why's of your decision with her, so you can hopefully see eye to eye on it whatever it is.

 

I don't mean to imply that other advice is meaningless... mine is worth no more or less. Just wanted to point out that in any issue like that you will get the entire range of advice from one extreme to the next and all points in-between. Because Chinese-American, or not, all of our wives, fiancees, ex's, are different people... and we are very different... lawyers, brokers, retired, truckers, drifters, military, college students... some of us are smart, some of us are morons... most are a little of both

 

Point being take it all with a grain of salt and realize no one of us posting has "the answer". Just take it into consideration, and use your best judgement.

 

Thus, in conclusion, there should be no more questions to ask here.

 

I totally agree with Joanne. Jeikun was right on the money with this post. Great job!!!!!!!!

[Robert S.]

Jim says send the money. Tony (tonado) says send the money. David says send the money. I say send the money.

 

I don't care if you've got to borrow the money. I don't care what you paid for or gave before. She has lost face by asking - now you have got to restore her face by giving more than she asked for. And quickly - first time by Western Union.

 

R - E - S - P - E - C - T

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

I have been very generous to my SO and her family members. During our seperation I have sent her gifts and we have given each other the encouragement to hang in there until she recieves her visa.

 

Hopefully, at the end of the day, she and her family will agree.

 

[Thomas Promise]

There are several variations Internet Marriage Scams. Usually the target, male or female is contacted through mutual desire to meet. Internet Dating sites. The person is then groomed into the con. Takes about 4-9 months. Remember your desires are the catalyst to keep you happy, they ask for items in increments, small additional living cost, accommodations etc then get a commitment to marry. That is what their ad states (looking for marriage), because you think it is a different culture you say they are just very direct, why beat around the bush, its more convenient and "that's what I was on the site for too" The reputation of foreign wives is good. You may have just been hooked, do some further checking, make a surprise trip or if possible and feel out the situation.

 

Soft and wonderful e-mails of new love, soft to the ear and the heart, promises of a full and life long healthy relationship. The mark will be brought into the financial aspect of the con when they take the hook and bait.

 

It is a long con, could last several years, usually a minimum of 1 to 3 years.

 

Goals of the con:

 

1. Financial- to obtain a financial target or goal, increased lifestyle, new homes, condos, autos, bilk the mark anywhere from 10,000.00 to 100's of thousands of dollars more the better. Send large sums of money back to home country on one false pretext or another.

 

2. Obtain entry into a foreign country through marriage.

 

3. Ultimately when the top goal is satisfied, to end the relationship, return to the home country, to the original "unmarried" "true" spouse, marry this person, hopefully having not been caught for fraud, and live the goal lifestyle obtained.

 

If the wedding is fast, hold your wallet and get ready to lose everything. If they determine you are not the wealth mine they were looking for, Wham-o-Bamo hang on and be ready for a rough ride, they will claim they are unhappy, do almost anything for a divorce early. This ensures there will probably be no property to split. You tried your best but have probably already done good amount of damage to your life savings and or general income.

 

If love = money...think!

 

If something smells funny, it is probably rotten. The fraud is simple, difficult to detect. If you do become suspicious and you are married, hire a private detective in the country or city where your spouse is, if your bold go home on a unannounced trip with gifts. If their arms are open of surprise and happiness your probably o.k.

 

If not, you will know and it could get dangerous, do not stay, fight or argue, have the next flight same day already booked and move on. Recommendation: always use Private Detective agency when possible minimum of 2-3 surveillances over 1-2 months. Get your information. If you are wealthy this could protect prior family, children of previous marriage, your wealth and your sanity. As well as your life!

 

If you can try to find a way to live there or strongly suggest you would like to luve there, if they don't want you living there, your probably putting a dent into someone else's...the "true" spouses love/sex life. It significantly raises the possibility of the two of them being caught. In most of these countries, jails and prisons are not good places to be so do not do anything if you catch them, leave. You'll know if something's up. Emotional body and spoken language says volumes, so does your intimacy, pay attention. If you do not feel anything wrong, your probably o.k. have a great marriage and a good life.

 

If you suspect a scam/fraud, do not contact their local authority; contact your home country immigration authority and State Department after you have left the country.

 

These persons have played on your heart, hard earned money so it is best to catch the fraud as quickly as possible into the relationship so you can move on...lesson learned.

 

If any men or women who have had a similar experience, or suspect you are the mark, take some action before you are left in tears, broken "divorced" and damaged "used" goods.

 

I hope everyone gets a good and healthy relationship built on honesty, intimacy and life long love. This is what we all hope and pray for.

[tywy_99]

There are several variations Internet Marriage Scams. Usually the target, male or female is contacted through mutual desire to meet. Internet Dating sites. The person is then groomed into the con. Takes about 4-9 months. Remember your desires are the catalyst to keep you happy, they ask for items in increments, small additional living cost, accommodations etc then get a commitment to marry. That is what their ad states (looking for marriage), because you think it is a different culture you say they are just very direct, why beat around the bush, its more convenient and "that's what I was on the site for too" The reputation of foreign wives is good. You may have just been hooked, do some further checking, make a surprise trip or if possible and feel out the situation.

 

Soft and wonderful e-mails of new love, soft to the ear and the heart, promises of a full and life long healthy relationship. The mark will be brought into the financial aspect of the con when they take the hook and bait.

 

It is a long con, could last several years, usually a minimum of 1 to 3 years.

 

Goals of the con:

 

1. Financial- to obtain a financial target or goal, increased lifestyle, new homes, condos, autos, bilk the mark anywhere from 10,000.00 to 100's of thousands of dollars more the better. Send large sums of money back to home country on one false pretext or another.

 

2. Obtain entry into a foreign country through marriage.

 

3. Ultimately when the top goal is satisfied, to end the relationship, return to the home country, to the original "unmarried" "true" spouse, marry this person, hopefully having not been caught for fraud, and live the goal lifestyle obtained.

 

If the wedding is fast, hold your wallet and get ready to lose everything. If they determine you are not the wealth mine they were looking for, Wham-o-Bamo hang on and be ready for a rough ride, they will claim they are unhappy, do almost anything for a divorce early. This ensures there will probably be no property to split. You tried your best but have probably already done good amount of damage to your life savings and or general income.

 

If love = money...think!

 

If something smells funny, it is probably rotten. The fraud is simple, difficult to detect. If you do become suspicious and you are married, hire a private detective in the country or city where your spouse is, if your bold go home on a unannounced trip with gifts. If their arms are open of surprise and happiness your probably o.k.

 

If not, you will know and it could get dangerous, do not stay, fight or argue, have the next flight same day already booked and move on. Recommendation: always use Private Detective agency when possible minimum of 2-3 surveillances over 1-2 months. Get your information. If you are wealthy this could protect prior family, children of previous marriage, your wealth and your sanity. As well as your life!

 

If you can try to find a way to live there or strongly suggest you would like to luve there, if they don't want you living there, your probably putting a dent into someone else's...the "true" spouses love/sex life. It significantly raises the possibility of the two of them being caught. In most of these countries, jails and prisons are not good places to be so do not do anything if you catch them, leave. You'll know if something's up. Emotional body and spoken language says volumes, so does your intimacy, pay attention. If you do not feel anything wrong, your probably o.k. have a great marriage and a good life.

 

If you suspect a scam/fraud, do not contact their local authority; contact your home country immigration authority and State Department after you have left the country.

 

These persons have played on your heart, hard earned money so it is best to catch the fraud as quickly as possible into the relationship so you can move on...lesson learned.

 

If any men or women who have had a similar experience, or suspect you are the mark, take some action before you are left in tears, broken "divorced" and damaged "used" goods.

 

I hope everyone gets a good and healthy relationship built on honesty, intimacy and life long love. This is what we all hope and pray for.

That's some good information, Tom. Some very good points but wouldn't the visa officers detect fraud during the interview appointment? That's what they're trained for. You don't hear much about it but I bet they have stopped many fraudulent cases in GZ alone. Of course, they don't catch it all but I think most cases are where a couple have irreconcilable differences and the one returns back to their country, namely China in are cases.

It would be easier for K1 then for K3 or IR1. K1's aren't married. They have 90 days. (i won't go there),

But K3's and IR1's are married which makes it more difficult, (children, divorce, property, etc.)

I think the IV unit in Guangzhou does a good job in nabbing fraud. I think some of them are good enough to smell it! By catching fraud, it saves everyone the grief. But if not, I think you've made some excellent points that people can go by.

[PhoenixRising]

There are several variations Internet Marriage Scams. Usually the target, male or female is contacted through mutual desire to meet. Internet Dating sites. The person is then groomed into the con. Takes about 4-9 months. Remember your desires are the catalyst to keep you happy, they ask for items in increments, small additional living cost, accommodations etc then get a commitment to marry. That is what their ad states (looking for marriage), because you think it is a different culture you say they are just very direct, why beat around the bush, its more convenient and "that's what I was on the site for too" The reputation of foreign wives is good. You may have just been hooked, do some further checking, make a surprise trip or if possible and feel out the situation.

 

Soft and wonderful e-mails of new love, soft to the ear and the heart, promises of a full and life long healthy relationship. The mark will be brought into the financial aspect of the con when they take the hook and bait.

 

It is a long con, could last several years, usually a minimum of 1 to 3 years.

 

Goals of the con:

 

1. Financial- to obtain a financial target or goal, increased lifestyle, new homes, condos, autos, bilk the mark anywhere from 10,000.00 to 100's of thousands of dollars more the better. Send large sums of money back to home country on one false pretext or another.

 

2. Obtain entry into a foreign country through marriage.

 

3. Ultimately when the top goal is satisfied, to end the relationship, return to the home country, to the original "unmarried" "true" spouse, marry this person, hopefully having not been caught for fraud, and live the goal lifestyle obtained.

 

If the wedding is fast, hold your wallet and get ready to lose everything. If they determine you are not the wealth mine they were looking for, Wham-o-Bamo hang on and be ready for a rough ride, they will claim they are unhappy, do almost anything for a divorce early. This ensures there will probably be no property to split. You tried your best but have probably already done good amount of damage to your life savings and or general income.

 

If love = money...think!

 

If something smells funny, it is probably rotten. The fraud is simple, difficult to detect. If you do become suspicious and you are married, hire a private detective in the country or city where your spouse is, if your bold go home on a unannounced trip with gifts. If their arms are open of surprise and happiness your probably o.k.

 

If not, you will know and it could get dangerous, do not stay, fight or argue, have the next flight same day already booked and move on. Recommendation: always use Private Detective agency when possible minimum of 2-3 surveillances over 1-2 months. Get your information. If you are wealthy this could protect prior family, children of previous marriage, your wealth and your sanity. As well as your life!

 

If you can try to find a way to live there or strongly suggest you would like to luve there, if they don't want you living there, your probably putting a dent into someone else's...the "true" spouses love/sex life. It significantly raises the possibility of the two of them being caught. In most of these countries, jails and prisons are not good places to be so do not do anything if you catch them, leave. You'll know if something's up. Emotional body and spoken language says volumes, so does your intimacy, pay attention. If you do not feel anything wrong, your probably o.k. have a great marriage and a good life.

 

If you suspect a scam/fraud, do not contact their local authority; contact your home country immigration authority and State Department after you have left the country.

 

These persons have played on your heart, hard earned money so it is best to catch the fraud as quickly as possible into the relationship so you can move on...lesson learned.

 

If any men or women who have had a similar experience, or suspect you are the mark, take some action before you are left in tears, broken "divorced" and damaged "used" goods.

 

I hope everyone gets a good and healthy relationship built on honesty, intimacy and life long love. This is what we all hope and pray for.

That's some good information, Tom. Some very good points but wouldn't the visa officers detect fraud during the interview appointment? That's what they're trained for. You don't hear much about it but I bet they have stopped many fraudulent cases in GZ alone. Of course, they don't catch it all but I think most cases are where a couple have irreconcilable differences and the one returns back to their country, namely China in are cases.

It would be easier for K1 then for K3 or IR1. K1's aren't married. They have 90 days. (i won't go there),

But K3's and IR1's are married which makes it more difficult, (children, divorce, property, etc.)

I think the IV unit in Guangzhou does a good job in nabbing fraud. I think some of them are good enough to smell it! By catching fraud, it saves everyone the grief. But if not, I think you've made some excellent points that people can go by.

Very good points and food for thought.

[skibum]

When my wife got to GZ to pick up her visa, she heard all the other ladies talking about the money their SOs gave them. My wife first thought then about why I had not been sending her money. When I told her it was because she did not need it, she understood and I think was proud to know that I thought her to be independant.

 

Since she has been here, I have tried to fulfill her wishes- more college degrees so she can get a great job, a new condo so she will not have to mow and shovel and move back to China if possable.

 

She talks to her friends there quite often and has learned that times are changing. Several of her friends now have cars and new condos. Inflation is happening but the standard of living is going up anyway.

 

I have never had a money discussion with a Asian woman that I dated as all had a good standard of living because of having a college degree. I think that is a good place to start when looking for a woman.

 

Ski

[Corbin]

 

I think a marriage between 2 different cultures requires a melding of both cultures and a deep understanding of eachother, I think its called love & comprimise. As Jin says "I am learning you"

 

This sounds like what I have been thinking all the long. The two cultures have to become one of your making. Plus the statement "I am learning you" goes both ways.

 

Learn and Meld

[Corbin]

This may be one of those times where generalizations (don't start giving) are badly applied... you just to judge the person and situation.

 

One issue that I think is important to some chinese ladies is that of 'generosity'... and that doesn't mean one gives everything they ask, it means they offer before they are asked or because they see a need. This kind of 'reading the situation and proactively acting' is much more important in chinese culture than in ours IMO.

 

After taking an intro to cultural anthropology class I walked away with one thing for sure. That is we can not judge another culture using the values from ours. In order to understand things like money we need to look at that cultures views on money and why it would or would not be asked for. Also what the money would be asked for (as in use).

[Corbin]

I have been very generous to my SO and her family members. During our seperation I have sent her gifts and we have given each other the encouragement to hang in there until she recieves her visa.

Not to sound picky, but what kind of gifts?

[Guest hi5pro]

There are a lot of great advices here already. I'll say send the money no matter what. My $.02 are

1) Happy wife = happy life.

2) K1 process from the beginning to the end is about 1 year which equal $1200.00 in your case. This is a very cheap price to find out if she is the right lady you can live with rest of your life.

 

Best wishes,

 

Gino & Lulu

[pkfops]

Support your wife to be.

 

If she's taking you for a ride she will bail out at visa time.

 

Remember, when she goes to GZ it will cost $$$$$.

 

Just prove yourself as worthy husband.

[PhoenixRising]

My SO and I have worked out a happy medium to this. She knew that her request botherd me. I told her that I could afford the monthly allowance. However what where you doing to make a living before we met was my question to her. She said she wished to use some of the money that I would send to her to buy new clothing and some other personal items she would like to bring to America when her interview is granted. Also she wanted to save some of the money for a rainy day.

[Shenzhen K-1]

My SO and I have worked out a happy medium to this. She knew that her request botherd me. I told her that I could afford the monthly allowance. However what where you doing to make a living before we met was my question to her. She said she wished to use some of the money that I would send to her to buy new clothing and some other personal items she would like to bring to America when her interview is granted. Also she wanted to save some of the money for a rainy day.

 

Glad you worked it out, a very touchy subject no matter the culture. I have sent my SO $$ as mentioned for the last few months and she would not have asked if she did not really need it. They are blunt, but proud and I am sure she did not want to ask you for this. My soon to be the Mrs. did not even want to take my change from me the first two trips from me, I offered to give her the rest of my pink money and got a firm, NO!!

[MikeandRong]

My SO and I have worked out a happy medium to this. She knew that her request botherd me. I told her that I could afford the monthly allowance. However what where you doing to make a living before we met was my question to her. She said she wished to use some of the money that I would send to her to buy new clothing and some other personal items she would like to bring to America when her interview is granted. Also she wanted to save some of the money for a rainy day.

 

 

 

Hence a perfectly logical/simple honest answer. Glad to hear it worked out for you both.