The Children of Our Spouses

[chef4u]

I don't know if there is any thread that talks in detail about our fiancee/spouses children that come to the US. Of course, there has been volumes written about what we should do to prepare ourselves for our wives when they arrive here. We talk about what to expect. How to cope, relationship building or unfortunately, in some cases, not building at all. But, I don't see a lot of discussion about our new sons and/or daughters. Sooo, I am curious to read about your individual experiences that you all would be willing to share about your children. How did they cope coming to the US? Do you find raising a Chinese son or daughter different from raising American children from a previous marriage? I think the list could go on. Finally, I hope we could get opinions from our Chinese members as well. As always your insights are invaluable to us USC....

As most of you know, my son will be coming here to the US shortly. I'm extremely excited and proud to be his loving father. Thus, I'm seeking to learn from those who've walk this path before me. I'm especially interested to hear from our Chinese friends on any thoughts they can give as well. Example, what is life like for the typical Chinese child in the family environment. What roles or behaviors do they take on towards their mother and their father? Again, thank you for sharing and helping us make a family more loving, caring and comfortable......

[Shenzhen K-1]

I don't know if there is any thread that talks in detail about our fiancee/spouses children that come to the US. Of course, there has been volumes written about what we should do to prepare ourselves for our wives when they arrive here. We talk about what to expect. How to cope, relationship building or unfortunately, in some cases, not building at all. But, I don't see a lot of discussion about our new sons and/or daughters. Sooo, I am curious to read about your individual experiences that you all would be willing to share about your children. How did they cope coming to the US? Do you find raising a Chinese son or daughter different from raising American children from a previous marriage? I think the list could go on. Finally, I hope we could get opinions from our Chinese members as well. As always your insights are invaluable to us USC....

As most of you know, my son will be coming here to the US shortly. I'm extremely excited and proud to be his loving father. Thus, I'm seeking to learn from those who've walk this path before me. I'm especially interested to hear from our Chinese friends on any thoughts they can give as well. Example, what is life like for the typical Chinese child in the family environment. What roles or behaviors do they take on towards their mother and their father? Again, thank you for sharing and helping us make a family more loving, caring and comfortable......

I made my soon to be daughter a priority in the very start of my relationship with my dear fiance! I had problems with step-daughters before and was determined to be smarter this time around. I have checked with the school she will be attending to make sure they have everything ready for her. I also checked on ESL classes for her and Mom to attend to together. My sons age 11 and 12 were part of many discussions and were asked very tough questions along with there new sister. I told my new daughter she would be same as sons and a real daughter not step-child! I also told her when she was ready I would like her to call me Father, because I already thought of her as my true daughter. I told Mom they came as a pair not as individuals. She has been caring, polite, and just a good person from the first time we met. I showed her love and respect, the only way to treat her!!!

[chef4u]

I hope this will become a hot topic!

 

Me Too!..

[chef4u]

I made my soon to be daughter a priority in the very start of my relationship with my dear fiance! I had problems with step-daughters before and was determined to be smarter this time around. I have checked with the school she will be attending to make sure they have everything ready for her. I also checked on ESL classes for her and Mom to attend to together. My sons age 11 and 12 were part of many discussions and were asked very tough questions along with there new sister. I told my new daughter she would be same as sons and a real daughter not step-child! I also told her when she was ready I would like her to call me Father, because I already thought of her as my true daughter. I told Mom they came as a pair not as individuals. She has been caring, polite, and just a good person from the first time we met. I showed her love and respect, the only way to treat her!!!

 

Shenzhen....Thanks for sharing this!! I also, did similar to you. I will do the same when he comes here to the US. Fortunately, we are living in a good school district in Tampa. Before Lilyana left to go back to China we visited the elementary school that Shaun will be attending. We met with the school principal and she was very helpful to Lilyana. In addition, she took pictures of the school to show her Shaun. Finally, the school principal wrote a letter to Shaun. She wrote how excited she was to have him attending the school. Of course, Lilyana will translate it for him.

[jim_julian]

Based on two months of Er Mei in America things seem to be going OK. BTW, I think referring to her as Er Mei "second daughter" makes her feel integrated ... I have one daughter older than her and one younger with my ex. I should add that I currently have no relationship with the older daughter as she is totally on her Mom's side and a tenuous relationship with the younger daughter. Er Mei has met my son who does come over to the house every now and then.

 

Er Mei is 18 and stayed in China with her grandparents to finish high school. I did a lot of advance work re college and she was in summer school in the local community college a couple weeks after her arrival. The chair of the American College English program at school has take a shine to Er Mei and taught the summer course she just finished.

 

I have previously reported on Er Mei's fractured relationship with her birth father and there is no doubt that she now considers me her dad. In fact she wants to take our family name.

 

Church has also been good for her. Our pastor has bent over backwards to make her feel welcome and in fact a group from church did a China tour that include Chongqing a few years ago. Th church also has a "College & Career" group of young adults that has embraced Er Mei.

 

She doesn't really have any close friends as yet and this is probably the biggest hole. As parents, Lao Po and I can only offer opportunity for her to meet people of her own age.

 

Through the Internet she has full communications with her friends back in Chongqing but she doesn't seem obsessed with talking to them. She has big face from being in an American college.

 

My assessment is that things are going OK. Lao Po and I hope she finds a few good friends at school this next semester.

 

She IS my daughter. She knows it. She actually gave me a kiss on my birthday ... which surprised me a bit because that's not something Chinese teens do.

 

My fingers are crossed that this will all turn out well ...

[warpedbored]

Very good topic. Children aren't often discussed. Often they have no say in whether or not they want to come here. Once here they sometimes feel isolated. Especially if they are brought to a rural area where there are no other Chinese children their own age. They feel cut off from friends and family. Other children in their new schools can be vicious. They are different from everyone else at an age when there is a lot of pressure to fit in.

 

I would really like to hear what Trigg has to say on the topic since he is a qualified expert.

[chilton747]

Cheffie, is your son enthusiastic about coming to the USA?

[egolessvegan]

Our children (daughter 19 and son 12) came from China 20 months ago. In a relatively short amount of time they have made the transition to life in the USA.

 

I enjoy my role as a father and the kids are appreciative for the opportunities that they have here.

 

My best suggestion to those with Chinese children on the way, just be there for them and give them all the love that you have. Most of the other stuff will take care of itself.

 

Ken

[jemmyell]

My wife is back in China for an all-summer visit to get her new ID card, something she was unable to complete before coming here on the K1.

 

My step-daughter, who is really my daughter is going to summer school to get her english classes up to level for college. She is a wonderful girl, gets great grades in school and is highly motivated in all things. She is now taking an online drivers education course so she can get her learner's permit.

 

We have been to a couple of free outdoor concerts on Saturday nights. I introduced her to 'off' mosquito repellant and she was VERY impressed! She has type B blood and mosquitos come from MILES around for dinner! With the 'off' she did not get a single bite so she knows she can do things outside in the evening here also.

 

She has dinner ready every night when I come home (Monday-Thursday). On Fridays I am taking her to a different restaurant for a different cuisine. She has had Italian (Macaroni Grill) and we going tonight to the best Persian restaurant I know (Ferdussi, by South Coast Plaza). I cook on weekends, I made Quiche for breakfast last week.

 

We have been to the California Science Center (Exposition Park) to see an iMAX movie and the Science Center. We went to the Norton Simon Art museum in Pasadena and she was stunned by European Old Masters. We will go back when my wife comes back and the 'Titus' is back from New York. She did get to see all the other Rembrandts, Degas and others in the collection. She was NOT impressed by the Asian collection since it is mostly Indian Statuary.

 

We are going to the Getty Museum tomorrow, she bought some prints at the Norton Simon (!2x12 - $3.00 each!) and we are going to mat and frame them together.

 

Life is good.

 

-James

[tywy_99]

Apparently you all have missed my thread from long ago. "How to deal with an angry young 14 year old Chinese girl" was its title. Carl brought it up several months ago after a year from its posting.

Now she is 16 years old and still angry as ever.

After more than 2 years, my advice would be is to "be prepared." Teenagers are hard enough to deal with but in our case, ours are from another country and they face the "culture shock" really bad.

Just be prepared for anything and handle it with "kid's gloves" because you will be in for the ride of your life! Believe me!

Maybe I should yank that old thread up and post some "hair-raising" stories I have!

God luck to you smucks! I feel your pain!

[Shenzhen K-1]

Apparently you all have missed my thread from long ago. "How to deal with an angry young 14 year old Chinese girl" was its title. Carl brought it up several months ago after a year from its posting.

Now she is 16 years old and still angry as ever.

After more than 2 years, my advice would be is to "be prepared." Teenagers are hard enough to deal with but in our case, ours are from another country and they face the "culture shock" really bad.

Just be prepared for anything and handle it with "kid's gloves" because you will be in for the ride of your life! Believe me!

Maybe I should yank that old thread up and post some "hair-raising" stories I have!

God luck to you smucks! I feel your pain!

 

I have had teenage daughters before so that is why I have made my new daughter a priority. I know that from age 13-19 some of the girls become the devil or worse!! I think if you show them they are wanted, loved and part of the family right away things will go smoother!! I told my daughter from the start she was my daughter not just a step child, also I wanted her here with us. The selfish part, the better I take care of daughter the more Mom realizes how much I must love her!!

[tywy_99]

Apparently you all have missed my thread from long ago. "How to deal with an angry young 14 year old Chinese girl" was its title. Carl brought it up several months ago after a year from its posting.

Now she is 16 years old and still angry as ever.

After more than 2 years, my advice would be is to "be prepared." Teenagers are hard enough to deal with but in our case, ours are from another country and they face the "culture shock" really bad.

Just be prepared for anything and handle it with "kid's gloves" because you will be in for the ride of your life! Believe me!

Maybe I should yank that old thread up and post some "hair-raising" stories I have!

God luck to you smucks! I feel your pain!

 

I have had teenage daughters before so that is why I have made my new daughter a priority. I know that from age 13-19 some of the girls become the devil or worse!! I think if you show them they are wanted, loved and part of the family right away things will go smoother!! I told my daughter from the start she was my daughter not just a step child, also I wanted her here with us. The selfish part, the better I take care of daughter the more Mom realizes how much I must love her!!

I have tried. Nothing seems to work. She has built an impenetrable wall around herself and there's no getting through.

She shows no respect at all to me and what's worse, she shows none to her own mother. A police officer said this. A police officer saw what I have been seeing for 2 years. I have no clue on how to remedy this situation. My only hope is that she will grow out of it.

[tywy_99]

I know that from age 13-19 some of the girls become the devil or worse!!

Thank you! I could not have said it better!