I am facing a dilemma

[chrisnhong]

Just for your own education, try typing "LJBF" or "Let's just be friends" into a search engine. You are coming across too needy, too nice. If you don't change this behavior, your relationships with women will generally fail to live up to your expectations.

 

Sorry to be so in-your-face, but if you continue like this your life isn't going to turn out the way you want.

[chinchillax]

Yeah taking a huge pay cut to be a teacher should remove any dobt about loyalty, but would it backfire in money matters? Money and savings are such a big deal!

 

Does it really help to call her father? It is something I would not do. But then I don't know your culture or the way you have done this. Seems odd to me.

I mention to her before I am willing to go there to be with her and lose/sacrifice my over $85k a year job here in the US, just to be with her. If I were to be english teacher there I'd prolly only make about 20,000 yuan a year. My chinese is okay enough to get by, but its not enough for me to find decent work there, unless it was through a US company. She knows I this, would be a huge sacrifice for me. I remember at one point she told me don't do that for her, she'll just come to the US instead. **sigh**

 

As for her dad, he cared about me a lot and treated me as a son. I listened to him. I am sure he'd like to hear from me again. He told me my wrongs and rights...and helped me try to understand her world better.

[tonado]

Yeah taking a huge pay cut to be a teacher should remove any dobt about loyalty, but would it backfire in money matters? Money and savings are such a big deal!

 

Does it really help to call her father? It is something I would not do. But then I don't know your culture or the way you have done this. Seems odd to me.

I mention to her before I am willing to go there to be with her and lose/sacrifice my over $85k a year job here in the US, just to be with her. If I were to be english teacher there I'd prolly only make about 20,000 yuan a year. My chinese is okay enough to get by, but its not enough for me to find decent work there, unless it was through a US company. She knows I this, would be a huge sacrifice for me. I remember at one point she told me don't do that for her, she'll just come to the US instead. **sigh**

 

As for her dad, he cared about me a lot and treated me as a son. I listened to him. I am sure he'd like to hear from me again. He told me my wrongs and rights...and helped me try to understand her world better.

Maybe her dad can introduce you to another woman.

[ameriken]

chinchillax: you have gotten a wide variety of suggestions from many of the members here who may have gone through similar experiences as you.

 

Have you applied any of those suggestions to your own situation? How are things going for you?

 

Please update us if you have a chance.......

[chinchillax]

I got a lot of advice from members here, but it doesn't look like this relationship could be saved. I have moved on and so has she. I am told that her father found her a long term/higher paying job. He may also try to find a guy for her from within that company.

 

Thanks for everyone's help on here.

[ameriken]

We all wish you the best. I strongly suggest checking out the books/websites recommended in this thread. They are excellent for 'dating' and finding the right woman.

 

We also hope you stick around CFL, there is a lot of great info here, and I think you will gain a lot of insight and knowledge about China and Chinese people. Good luck! Ken

[SheLikesME?]

I got a lot of advice from members here, but it doesn't look like this relationship could be saved. I have moved on and so has she. I am told that her father found her a long term/higher paying job. He may also try to find a guy for her from within that company.

 

Thanks for everyone's help on here.

Wish you the best, too. And come here all you want. Heck I do and I was never invited

[chinchillax]

I may try to pursue another girl in China. I already have new prospects there, one in Hangzhou and another in Guangxi. However, I may just look locally and not aboard anymore, some friends tell me just look for one at my church. I am still heartbroken and don't feel the need to waste time and money again to fly to China only to have a girl get cold feet on me again. Maybe that one just wasn't meant to be. God must have given this one to me as a test, though I've been tested many times before in several relationships, but this was the first one that involved someone being 7,000 miles away. I need pray to God to guide my path to the right one.

 

I want to thank everyone again for the advice and encouragements!

 

Be positive!!!

Edited April 11, 2007 by chinchillax (see edit history)

[ameriken]

Glad the 'dilemma' is past. Keep us up to date on how you are doing.

[chinchillax]

update to this thread....

 

I recently found out from her aunt and her dad over the weekend, that she quit her job. She didn't like the job (not sure why) and just quit (stopped showing up for work). She now stays at home, chats online, plays computer games online, and plays with her dog. Also, I was told one of her friends wants to introduce her to a guy...I wonder if the guy would like a girl who is like self-centered and lazy....haha!

 

Luckily, I didn't bring her here, otherwise she wouldn't like what I have and she would make me miserable!

Edited May 15, 2007 by chinchillax (see edit history)

[Urkidding]

update to this thread....

 

I recently found out from her aunt and her dad over the weekend, that she quit her job. She didn't like the job (not sure why) and just quit (stopped showing up for work). She now stays at home, chats online, plays computer games online, and plays with her dog. Also, I was told one of her friends wants to introduce her to a guy...I wonder if the guy would like a girl who is like self-centered and lazy....haha!

 

Luckily, I didn't bring her here, otherwise she wouldn't like what I have and she would make me miserable!

 

Now thats positive!!!

[cocomonica_37]

I am new here, but I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

 

I'll give her time to cool off.....she thinks sometimes I don't understand her.

 

Anything I can do?

 

I am chinese,and while be lady ,so i could understand why she worry about that,it is common things,it also says that she is serious with you.Now turn to you,if you really like to have her in your life,for time being,giving her some space and time is best choice,but you can not be disappear just like no any mail,any phonecall even in few days,if that ,she would get angry with you,she would think you will not insist your releationship any more,i think what she is doing just for proofing you,needing more your words to guarantee her(maybe one day you have some wrangel in your family life,she could beat you according your words,lol) .so you can mail her every day,but not talking about your releationship,just common things like old friend,and phone her maybe once per week(she is not good at speaking,so no frequntly call avoiding too much press for her),and keep watching her,maybe sometime (few weeks or months),you flight to china meet her person when you think things getting better,then she chang her mind.

anyway,can not disappear,show her you always care about herno matter togetheror not.

good lucky for u.

[Kevin329]

I generally stay out of topics like this, but I'd like to offer a general observation over the last 5 ~ 6 years or so.

 

It always amazed me at how quickly a Chinese woman would 'decide' to marry one of us US gringos. Once the decision is made, it is written in stone. Don't matter how long they have known you, or if they have even met you yet. When they decide, it is done.

 

Of course there are exceptions, but I've found this to be a rule of thumb. Some very hasty engagements/marriages have turned out quite well.

 

What I'd really look for is committment. If it's there, it will probably last.

 

Hi, first time responding to any postings here. I have read a lot and learned a lot from the posts here. You have said something that I was wondering for months. My SO told me that after my first visit to China to meet her, " I have chosen you" We have talked for about 11 months now. I have visited twice. Can that mean she wants marriage?

[david_dawei]

I generally stay out of topics like this, but I'd like to offer a general observation over the last 5 ~ 6 years or so.

 

It always amazed me at how quickly a Chinese woman would 'decide' to marry one of us US gringos. Once the decision is made, it is written in stone. Don't matter how long they have known you, or if they have even met you yet. When they decide, it is done.

 

Of course there are exceptions, but I've found this to be a rule of thumb. Some very hasty engagements/marriages have turned out quite well.

 

What I'd really look for is committment. If it's there, it will probably last.

 

Hi, first time responding to any postings here. I have read a lot and learned a lot from the posts here. You have said something that I was wondering for months. My SO told me that after my first visit to China to meet her, " I have chosen you" We have talked for about 11 months now. I have visited twice. Can that mean she wants marriage?

let's just say that you probably had her at the second email...

 

Frankly, I'm surprised she has waited 11 months and two visits... they usually don't do this to create relationship longevity records... usually once they are ready, they see little reason to delay destiny...

[Kevin329]

I generally stay out of topics like this, but I'd like to offer a general observation over the last 5 ~ 6 years or so.

 

It always amazed me at how quickly a Chinese woman would 'decide' to marry one of us US gringos. Once the decision is made, it is written in stone. Don't matter how long they have known you, or if they have even met you yet. When they decide, it is done.

 

Of course there are exceptions, but I've found this to be a rule of thumb. Some very hasty engagements/marriages have turned out quite well.

 

What I'd really look for is committment. If it's there, it will probably last.

 

Hi, first time responding to any postings here. I have read a lot and learned a lot from the posts here. You have said something that I was wondering for months. My SO told me that after my first visit to China to meet her, " I have chosen you" We have talked for about 11 months now. I have visited twice. Can that mean she wants marriage?

You'll see posts from the romantics; you'd be wise to take them with a grain of salt. She may tell you that she loves you more than life, but it means something very different to her than you. For many Chinese, love is practical. Love is not required for marriage; there are other things more important. And, if all goes well, love will happen in its own sweet time.

 

That's the point of my post. "I have chosen you" means she is committed to making as good a life with you as she possibly can. She will DO the things that make her a good wife. Her emotions will catch up later.

 

Ok, Thanks for the help, I will need as much as I can get. I am trying hard to learn how things are different between our cultures and what the meanings are. Sometimes I think I try to hard. My second trip to see her, by the second day she bought her own little diamond ring and had wedding pictures taken with me, my daughter, her daughter , and her. It took all day long, it was fun. I think my SO and her parents already consider us married. Her family is the best, I like how they take care of eachother, they welcome me and my daughter and treat us as family. oh yes, I have noticed she wont say "I love you" that often, I think maybe I have heard it 3 times, but when I am with her she takes care of me very well.