I am facing a dilemma

[chinchillax]

I am new here, but I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

 

I'll give her time to cool off.....she thinks sometimes I don't understand her.

 

Anything I can do?

[ameriken]

I am new here, but I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

 

I'll give her time to cool off.....she thinks sometimes I don't understand her.

 

Anything I can do?

She has to be absolutely convinced that you are the one for her. I dont know if there is anything you can do to change her mind. Give her space and time.......if she doesnt come around, then it may be time to move on. If you try to push the matter, it could end up in disaster.

 

Usually, when love is true, she may be nervous, but will still follow through on everything because she wants to be with you.

 

IMO, back off, give her time and space, and perhaps start talking to some other women......if she comes around, you can always get back into the relationship. If not, you are already moving on with your life.

[hakkamike]

I am new here, but I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

 

I'll give her time to cool off.....she thinks sometimes I don't understand her.

 

Anything I can do?

Everything that she says is normal thinking, if she didnt think and wonder about the future and ur relationship then U have a problem?? I thought the same thing as my wife but we took the chance and she has been here for five years. I cant tell u what to do or her either but just try to put urself in her shoes.

[NewDay2006]

I am new here, but I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

 

I'll give her time to cool off.....she thinks sometimes I don't understand her.

 

Anything I can do?

Everything that she says is normal thinking, if she didnt think and wonder about the future and ur relationship then U have a problem?? I thought the same thing as my wife but we took the chance and she has been here for five years. I cant tell u what to do or her either but just try to put urself in her shoes.

I tottally agree with Mike .... maybe for the first time in my history of CFL .... but he is dead on right. To just jump into the pool without thinking how deep it is, is a mistake, one that I made in the past. You might take a deep breath and try to give her some space and yourself some space at the same time... what do you have to lose or gain by doing so? give her space and try to stay freinds and see what happens, it it doesn't grow, then it wasn't meant to be and you did both of yourselfs a favor, IMO

[Dennis143]

I am new here, but I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

 

I'll give her time to cool off.....she thinks sometimes I don't understand her.

 

Anything I can do?

Although I don't disagree with the other comments made so far, I would like to know a bit about the relationship. How long have your corresponded? Have you met face to face?

 

Essentially, the same thing happened to me.

[esun41]

The outcome of her hesitance is better known now than if she was to have all these thoughts AFTER you both have gone through all the hoopla. To me, she is treating you with respect.

 

Listen to these men and their advice. I am not one for giving advice of the heart unless it is mine.

 

Best wishes for happiness...

[chinchillax]

I am new here, but I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

 

I'll give her time to cool off.....she thinks sometimes I don't understand her.

 

Anything I can do?

Although I don't disagree with the other comments made so far, I would like to know a bit about the relationship. How long have your corresponded? Have you met face to face?

 

Essentially, the same thing happened to me.

 

I've known her for 1 and a half years. I've been to China to see her twice already. The last time I was there was from December 28th - January 18th. She was happy with me there and chatting with her online, but just this past month she has been thinking, and then she decides we should be friends and split.

 

Should I go visit her again? What to do in this situation?

Edited March 30, 2007 by chinchillax (see edit history)

[chinchillax]

so just let her cool off and think it over? I know her parents keep telling her to be with me, they already treat me as their son. Does that make matters worse, since the pressure being put upon her?

 

Will she come back to me and want me to start the procedure? I know she has a heart for me, its just she worry about so many things.....especially being marriage is risky and takes a lot of committment....and she is a generally shy person and has a hard time to express herself. Her english is okay, she is able to understand quite a bit, but has a hard time to speak it. I am able to speak chinese to her though.

[jim_julian]

There are many wonderful women in China ... if you are not sure, move on.

 

Under the best of circumstances there are still challenges.

[hakkamike]

so just let her cool off and think it over? I know her parents keep telling her to be with me, they already treat me as their son. Does that make matters worse, since the pressure being put upon her?

 

Will she come back to me and want me to start the procedure? I know she has a heart for me, its just she worry about so many things.....especially being marriage is risky and takes a lot of committment....and she is a generally shy person and has a hard time to express herself. Her english is okay, she is able to understand quite a bit, but has a hard time to speak it. I am able to speak chinese to her though.

 

I never give advive lol lol I hate to. Sounds like to me that you too have a good head on your shoulders, you have answered a few of your own questions already. Hell you never know about things, maybe she had a bad day at work, bad dream, the time of month thing going on give her a few days. If you feel the need to catch a flight to China to go see her by all means do it if it is within your budget and you have vacation time. Just remember the people here giving you advice are mostly divorced and could not make there other marriages work lol lol.

[IllinoisDave]

I agree with those who've said give her some space. Tell her to take some time and think everything over before she makes a final decision. And it'll give you some time to prepare yourself for the worst while hoping for the best. Forcing the issue now won't be good for either of you in the end.

 

I know it's hard to resist the urge to fight with everything you've got. I can't say I wouldn't be ready to do the same thing. You've obviously come here for advice from objective parties. That's all we can give you. You'll have to make the decision yourself. Whatever it is, you've got plenty of support here.

 

We're all pulling for you.

 

Good luck.

[tonado]

You can either give her some time to change her mind or go visit her. When she sees you in person, she might have second thought about starting the process again. Good luck.

[Dennis143]

As some of you know, my former SO got cold feet at the 11th hour. It was too big challenge for. She was Director/Controller of a bank. She held a fairly high position in the party. She had a lot to give up and her future was promising. She looked and found the smallest things to worry about and turn them into red flags, in her mind. In the end, I understood that I can never lose what I truly never had.

 

Give her space? Yes. That means no emails. No phone calls. No correspondence for a few days. Tough to do after being conditioned doing it for so long, but you've got to let her breath and think things through. It's her call not yours. And, no amount of pleading and cajoling is going to change her mind, especially after this long of time together.

 

Just my very humble opinion...

 

Good luck and stay strong.

[chinchillax]

As some of you know, my former SO got cold feet at the 11th hour. It was too big challenge for. She was Director/Controller of a bank. She held a fairly high position in the party. She had a lot to give up and her future was promising. She looked and found the smallest things to worry about and turn them into red flags, in her mind. In the end, I understood that I can never lose what I truly never had.

 

Give her space? Yes. That means no emails. No phone calls. No correspondence for a few days. Tough to do after being conditioned doing it for so long, but you've got to let her breath and think things through. It's her call not yours. And, no amount of pleading and cajoling is going to change her mind, especially after this long of time together.

 

Just my very humble opinion...

 

Good luck and stay strong.

 

she already said she wants to be friends and split, you think she might come back to me after giving her some space?

 

what is SO? and did you run into problems with her Dennis?

Edited March 30, 2007 by chinchillax (see edit history)

[hakkamike]

As some of you know, my former SO got cold feet at the 11th hour. It was too big challenge for. She was Director/Controller of a bank. She held a fairly high position in the party. She had a lot to give up and her future was promising. She looked and found the smallest things to worry about and turn them into red flags, in her mind. In the end, I understood that I can never lose what I truly never had.

 

Give her space? Yes. That means no emails. No phone calls. No correspondence for a few days. Tough to do after being conditioned doing it for so long, but you've got to let her breath and think things through. It's her call not yours. And, no amount of pleading and cajoling is going to change her mind, especially after this long of time together.

 

Just my very humble opinion...

 

Good luck and stay strong.

 

she already said she wants to be friends and split, you think she might come back to me after giving her some space?

 

what is SO? and did you run into problems with her Dennis?

so significant other, by bhe by I have a wife not a so