Who Has Had a Wedding Ceremony In China?

[Robert S.]

Wow, that is interesting - we got married on my birthday also!!!!!

[Juette]

I'm glad that you got it all worked out, Ron. Wendy and I married on my exwife's birthday!

[Steve and Aiwen]

Hello All,

 

My SO and I have been talking a lot about our mock "wedding" celebration in China after we get the visa....hopefully in October or November....I have worked out the dowry issue....no problem there....

 

What I am having difficulty with is getting her and her family to allow me to spend a little money for a nice party....I keep suggesting that we invite anyone she and her family would like to attend....but Baba and Mama keep saying that only 5 or 6 friends outside of family will be invited by them....they are concerned that I have to spend much money on the airfares just to come to China, and my SO's airfare back to the US with me, the costs for the visa process, trips to China I have made and am making, etc....I appreciate their kindness in thinking of our future as Husband and Wife.....

 

I am just not sure how insistent I should be in talking about a nice party....as it stands right now, we are looking at about 30 people or so.....we plan to have the shindig at a local resteraunt.....I appreciate my Chinese family's efforts to be so considerate of my expenses, but I want to be sure I give the proper respect, and show them how much I care for their daughter, and them. This involves "face", and I am on uncertain ground as a ignorant Westerner. Her family is very open and liberal, traditional in some ways, but mostly of a modern point of view. I will say that they have a good opinion of me, and think their daughter has a good man for her husband(to be).....

 

My SO and I have agreed to buy the Tan Dynasty clothes, this will cost about 1000 yuan for us both....we want to have them to wear here in the US later....we are hiring a professional photographer for about 2000 yuan....to make the portraits for our Chinese "wedding".....the only thing I have a problem with is getting Mama and Baba to allow me to spend the money for the party....I want it to be a nice one.....my "face" is at stake here also...lol....

 

It's still a long time to the visa....too damn long....I'll be seeing the family a lot on my next visit in May, so I will have a better idea of how things might go then.....I just want to be certain that they know how much I think of them....and give honor to her family.....so far they have welcomed me with open arms.....Mama is very happy...lol....

 

So, tell me what you think....oh, family is "city".....Zhouqing, about 2 hours from GUZ.....

 

Many thanks in advance.....

 

Steve

[SirLancelot]

I want it to be a nice one.....my "face" is at stake here also...lol....

 

It's still a long time to the visa....too damn long....I'll be seeing the family a lot on my next visit in May, so I will have a better idea of how things might go then.....I just want to be certain that they know how much I think of them....and give honor to her family.....so far they have welcomed me with open arms.....Mama is very happy...lol....

 

So, tell me what you think....oh, family is "city".....Zhouqing, about 2 hours from GUZ.....

 

Many thanks in advance.....

 

Steve

 

 

I'm glad you realize this Steve. It's more true than you jokingly state above. Indeed, your "face" (and that of your SO) is definitely on the line here.

 

Let me just say that, generally, Chinese people always decline offers out of proper modesty and decorum. They may in fact want and appreciate your offerings, but must decline outwardly so as not to come across as free loaders or leeches. If it is indeed your genuine wish to provide for a big party, then regardless of what your SO's parents may say to you outwardly, you press forward politely but in a stern manner and make it clear to them that you really desire to have a nice party and that you want to pay for it, and lastly make it known to them that you will lose face if you don't do this. When you toss out the losing face card, I believe they will accept and honor your wishes. I'm sure that internally they are quite happy to see their future son-in-law provide for a nice wedding party but out of propriety they cannot be seen as been too greedy or eager to accept.

 

The only caveat is if they are somehow ashamed of their daughter's choice for a husband and truly wish to keep the wedding banquet to as few people as possible. While this may sound harsh--and may not apply in your case at all--it's certainly possible. Not every Chinese parent and relatives are thrilled about having a lao-wei for their son-in-law. But let's hope this is not the case in your situation and it's simply a case of your future-in-laws displaying proper modesty and decorum.

 

Good luck. Have a grand wedding banquet! After all Steve, your face is on the line!

[SmilingAsia]

Unless it is the first time she gets married, otherwise the parents don't tend to ask for dowry of $1,500.

Or is this $1,500 she paid someone for posting her profile, communication with you all the time?

[Steve and Aiwen]

Unless it is the first time she gets married, otherwise the parents don't tend to ask for dowry of $1,500.

Or is this $1,500 she paid someone for posting her profile, communication with you all the time?

 

There is no $1500 dowry......I'm giving Mama and Baba an envelope with a lucky amount in each...which add up to another lucky number.....it's nowhere near $1500.....and she owes no one for posting profiles, etc....she wrote her own, posted on a couple of free sites....one of which we met on...

 

It is her first marriage.....but no dowry has been asked for, or even suggested....it's like pulling teeth to even get them to let me spend the money on the "wedding"....

 

Steve

[chilton747]

Unless it is the first time she gets married, otherwise the parents don't tend to ask for dowry of $1,500.

Or is this $1,500 she paid someone for posting her profile, communication with you all the time?

 

There is no $1500 dowry......I'm giving Mama and Baba an envelope with a lucky amount in each...which add up to another lucky number.....it's nowhere near $1500.....and she owes no one for posting profiles, etc....she wrote her own, posted on a couple of free sites....one of which we met on...

 

It is her first marriage.....but no dowry has been asked for, or even suggested....it's like pulling teeth to even get them to let me spend the money on the "wedding"....

 

Steve

 

I don't think she is referring to your post.

[Steve and Aiwen]

I want it to be a nice one.....my "face" is at stake here also...lol....

 

It's still a long time to the visa....too damn long....I'll be seeing the family a lot on my next visit in May, so I will have a better idea of how things might go then.....I just want to be certain that they know how much I think of them....and give honor to her family.....so far they have welcomed me with open arms.....Mama is very happy...lol....

 

So, tell me what you think....oh, family is "city".....Zhouqing, about 2 hours from GUZ.....

 

Many thanks in advance.....

 

Steve

 

 

I'm glad you realize this Steve. It's more true than you jokingly state above. Indeed, your "face" (and that of your SO) is definitely on the line here.

 

Let me just say that, generally, Chinese people always decline offers out of proper modesty and decorum. They may in fact want and appreciate your offerings, but must decline outwardly so as not to come across as free loaders or leeches. If it is indeed your genuine wish to provide for a big party, then regardless of what your SO's parents may say to you outwardly, you press forward politely but in a stern manner and make it clear to them that you really desire to have a nice party and that you want to pay for it, and lastly make it known to them that you will lose face if you don't do this. When you toss out the losing face card, I believe they will accept and honor your wishes. I'm sure that internally they are quite happy to see their future son-in-law provide for a nice wedding party but out of propriety they cannot be seen as been too greedy or eager to accept.

 

The only caveat is if they are somehow ashamed of their daughter's choice for a husband and truly wish to keep the wedding banquet to as few people as possible. While this may sound harsh--and may not apply in your case at all--it's certainly possible. Not every Chinese parent and relatives are thrilled about having a lao-wei for their son-in-law. But let's hope this is not the case in your situation and it's simply a case of your future-in-laws displaying proper modesty and decorum.

 

Good luck. Have a grand wedding banquet! After all Steve, your face is on the line!

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for the reply.....you offer some good insights for me....as for my acceptablility to the family....they are tickled to death! I talk to them often, and will be spending my next visit with them in May. Mama is a big fan....lol...my poor Chinese was a big hit with her, and she was all big smiles shortly after we met the first time....My SO's younger sister is married to a German, and lives in Frankfort....so the idea of a "lao wei" as a son-in-law is not a new idea to them.....they are always telling me that I am a good man for their daughter...I talk with my SO's sister often also, she tells me that Mama and Baba and family are very happy with me.......

 

I think the advise and coaching I got from CFL before my first meeting of the family played a large part in how well I was accepted....I showed the proper respect (bow), speaking Chinese(I try!!), and the welcome dinner party in the nice restaurant in Nanning I gave also made a good impression....I insisted on paying for Mama's and Sister's hotel, since they went to the trouble of an 14-hour overnight train ride from Zhaoqing just to meet me. So far, my "face" is good....that's why I want to make sure our "wedding" party is a good one.....it won't cost that much by my standards.....maybe $500 USD or so....probably not that much, only about 30 people...well within my means....

 

So, maybe Mama and Baba are just using the expenses for travel, visa, etc, as a plausible reason to be frugal.....for my own good, of course.....

 

I'll continue to press...politely and firmly....for a more tasteful party....I understand more each day this concept of appearances that is so important in Chinese culture...it is just not second nature to me like it is to a native Chinese person...I think I'll bide my time a bit yet, before I play the "face" card.....a little psychological strategy is in order, perhaps....

 

My SO is from a fairly well-off family....by Chinese standards...they have 3 resteraunts in Zhaoqing....Baba and my SO's two older brothers run them....I've asked the brothers to be best man and MC....

 

Perhaps I should suggest an amount to plan on...I don't know......from my previous experience in China, limited though it is, I could have a fairly nice blow-out for 5000 yuan.....we are only talking about maybe 30 people....I'll bet it won't run that much...but the "face" I might gain from suggesting it could work out....I don't know....I'll have a better idea, and will talk to the family about it in person in May....the "wedding" will be in the Fall, when we expect to get the visa.....if the Wiz in Guz smiles upon us with benevolence......

 

Thanks for the kind words.....btw, I'm having a lot of fun with this.....it should be quite a memorable experience for me and my SO.....

 

Steve

Edited April 1, 2007 by Steve and Aiwen (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

steve,

 

I think you rise an interesting delimma... so I can't resist offering my thoughts...

 

While I agree with SL that they will decline for their own 'face' reasons, I don't think the counter is to press them with your own face issues... the face issue that means the most is the family and SO... I would say that you focus on your SO, thus indirectly to reach the family.

 

I don't think it is a good idea to speak negatively about their 'decisions' to any of them (SO particularly)... what you want to do is offer options whereby they still make all the final decisions which you fully support and are happy about.

 

The party 'size' is not always the prodominant 'face' issue at stake; if they were very wealthy, then you would probably see party size as a bigger issue... they would need to show all their friends a great party, etc.

 

I would suggest, based on what I hear, that 'size' is not the face issue here... but they could be holding back until they feel comfortable with some options.

 

There are good reasons to have a smaller sized party from a families perspective: Size brings with it complexity and potential problems.. small parties are easy to manage and few headaches... fewer people know your business,etc.

 

For your SO, frankly, it's a personal decision how many she wants to invite, ergo, how many she wants to really know what is truly going with her life; there is good reason why she might not want ALL her friends to know (which I don't really want to go into).

 

But, I see two options you can present;

1) offer back to your SO and the family what you have budgeted for the party... let them know this is to be used however they want.. more people, different dishes, etc. let them decide how to use the money. In fact, they might use it in ways you didn't think.. it might be, they would welcome extra money but they don't want it on more invites.. let them be creative with the money.

2) Encourage your wife to invite as many as she wants.. even if the family doesn't want to invite some of their older friends, just make sure that your SO feels she can invite as many as she wants.. but my comments remain: there are reasons she might now want to invite more.

 

Don't put the issue as 'size'... it is about a memory...

[Steve and Aiwen]

steve,

 

I think you rise an interesting delimma... so I can't resist offering my thoughts...

 

While I agree with SL that they will decline for their own 'face' reasons, I don't think the counter is to press them with your own face issues... the face issue that means the most is the family and SO... I would say that you focus on your SO, thus indirectly to reach the family.

 

I don't think it is a good idea to speak negatively about their 'decisions' to any of them (SO particularly)... what you want to do is offer options whereby they still make all the final decisions which you fully support and are happy about.

 

The party 'size' is not always the prodominant 'face' issue at stake; if they were very wealthy, then you would probably see party size as a bigger issue... they would need to show all their friends a great party, etc.

 

I would suggest, based on what I hear, that 'size' is not the face issue here... but they could be holding back until they feel comfortable with some options.

 

There are good reasons to have a smaller sized party from a families perspective: Size brings with it complexity and potential problems.. small parties are easy to manage and few headaches... fewer people know your business,etc.

 

For your SO, frankly, it's a personal decision how many she wants to invite, ergo, how many she wants to really know what is truly going with her life; there is good reason why she might not want ALL her friends to know (which I don't really want to go into).

 

But, I see two options you can present;

1) offer back to your SO and the family what you have budgeted for the party... let them know this is to be used however they want.. more people, different dishes, etc. let them decide how to use the money. In fact, they might use it in ways you didn't think.. it might be, they would welcome extra money but they don't want it on more invites.. let them be creative with the money.

2) Encourage your wife to invite as many as she wants.. even if the family doesn't want to invite some of their older friends, just make sure that your SO feels she can invite as many as she wants.. but my comments remain: there are reasons she might now want to invite more.

 

Don't put the issue as 'size'... it is about a memory...

 

 

David,

 

Thoughtful and to the point as usual......after all the crap we go through, and all that we all learn in the process, we should all be sought-after representatives to China...lol.....as usual, I found your comments to be very insightful.....

 

I think I will play this more carefully....I don't want to push too hard....I just want to do the right thing by my SO and her family.....I've been doing #2 in your reply from the beginning....it's a long time yet to our "wedding"....time for changes and much discussion with my Chinese family. My SO is my primary intermediary, helped by her older sister. I'll let them do the "negotiating", so to speak....

 

You are very right...it's about a memory.....all girls dream about their wedding day, I want hers to be a wonderful one. It will be more about the people and our feelings than about how much money was spent....I'll keep my focus on my SO and go from there.

 

Thanks, David.

 

Steve

[SmilingAsia]

Unless it is the first time she gets married, otherwise the parents don't tend to ask for dowry of $1,500.

Or is this $1,500 she paid someone for posting her profile, finding you, communication with you all the time?

There is no $1500 dowry......I'm giving Mama and Baba an envelope with a lucky amount in each...which add up to another lucky number.....it's nowhere near $1500.....and she owes no one for posting profiles, etc....she wrote her own, posted on a couple of free sites....one of which we met on...

It is her first marriage.....but no dowry has been asked for, or even suggested....it's like pulling teeth to even get them to let me spend the money on the "wedding"....

Steve

I don't think she is referring to your post.

Right. Sorry for miscommunication. I was referring to the original post. I guess the beneficiary needs translation for communication.

Edited April 2, 2007 by SmilingAsia (see edit history)