Consulate called to inform visa done.. she doesn't want now

[Urkidding]

Drew,

 

This post reminds me of the guy in the middle and one angel on the left shoulder whispering good stuff in his ear and the devil on the right shoulder whispering bad stuff in his ear. No offense to the other people here posting but¡­.

 

Granted, you posted your info here to get some different options/help and you got them. Plenty of them too! In fact all of the replies make good sense to me but I'm not the one going through this!

 

My feeling on what you are going through right now is very much like a divorce. But you haven¡¯t even gotten married yet.

 

You have to go with your own gut feeling. Period! No questions asked!

 

Do I stay here or do I go there to visit. Only you know and should do what you think is right. If you take the advice of anyone else then later down the road you will be regretting it. If you take your own gut feeling then you have only yourself to blame.

 

Then try in your own mind to project yourself in the future with or without this women and you will know what your true answer is.

 

Go with your own feelings! Period!!!!!!

 

P.S. When I asked my wife to come to my city, I asked her to come visit me and not get married. If she liked in fine if she didn¡¯t she could go back. Of course I would have been heart broken if she left but that¡¯s the chance we had to take!

Edited December 16, 2006 by Urkidding (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

I agree with Paula's approach and assessment; trying to understand her point of view; Too much time apart has made 'out of sight out of mind' too much a reality. This is a common feeling that the physical separation becomes a symbol of a life split apart (which is what she seems to be expressing).

 

But the bottom line is, no one's opinion matters nor what anyone would do; all that matters is what Drew's SO is ultimately thinking and feeling and meaning, and what Drew's response will be, and finally her interpretation of that action/inaction.

 

So, as a challenge to us all to see how well we know our SO.. (If you a chinese national, just state your side, as Paula did).

1) why not guess what your SO would do in the same situation; what she means by those statements; then you tell her your not going to china after her, she decides for herself what she wants to do.

2) Now pose the situation to your SO.. ask her if she were in that position of waiting 2 years (7 months since last together), and states such things as 'it's over, I'll stay in china, I don't feel the same, etc".

3) Tell her that your response is to not go to china; ask her what this means to her...

4) Grade yourself

 

I'll go first:

1) I guessed my wife would say it is all a smoke screen anger about lack of being together. If I said I was not coming, she would interpret that as my lack of love for her. She would say I wanted it over.

2) She said that this would mean she is complaining about not being together; that I didn't take the time to be by her side enough during this rough time but left her alone.

3) She said that if I don't come to china, then I don't really and truly love her. Otherwise there would be no reason to even suggest not coming; I would just come.. in her famous words, "don't think, just do".

4) I passed the test.

 

All that matters is what Drew wants to do and weights the implications of the future together... Good luck to all in their test...

[ameriken]

Drew, as I read and reread the thread, I see a lot of great suggestions coming from two or more different angles of approach. No doubt, all of us speak from personal experience and there is no way to know which will help, because this is your own experience.

 

You can follow the suggestions to 'let her fly' and maybe she will 'fly' when she really wanted to build a nest with you and a wonderful opportunity for a great life is lost.

 

On the other hand, you can go to China, try and resolve the matter, work through it, and give it the ol' college try. Maybe she will come, and you both will start your lives together......only to find out that later the same issues and behavior arise and lead to weeks, months, even years of misery, anger, and sadness, and regret that you didnt quit now.

 

Who the heck knows?

 

What you (and we) have to remember, is we are all armchair quarterbacks. We only see a spec of ice on the tip of the iceberg. None of us know the full story, nor can we say with confidence 'do it this way' or 'that suggestion sucks'.

 

But you do have a lot to think about, and I hope it all has been helpful. What likely will happen, or is already happening, is you will see your relationship from different perspectives, and will be able to use this thread to help you decide what is the best way to move forward....only God knows the outcome.

 

I just hope that in some way our contributions help you...and know that you have a lot of friends here who all sincerely wish for the best possible results......

Edited December 16, 2006 by ameriken (see edit history)

[SheLikesME?]

The last time I saw her was less than 1 week at the end of last May. It was a very bad time because I was going thru the details of trying to get together the information for the I-601 waiver. She hated the constant questioning and continual reiteration of going over her statement. I wanted to make sure I had everything covered in her words.

I think it is 6 months, not 16, right? If 16 I was about to explode.

[SirLancelot]

One thing I hate about this process is the ladies/men cannot come over for a visit first, meet the family, look at your house, see what you do every day. Even with love they just may not want it.

 

I agree with this 150%. It is extremely unfortunate that the vast majority of Chinese SOs can't come to the States first for a visit. I think it would immensely help out with a long term relationship. Without a visit first, they're all going on blind faith. Some, unfortunately, will not stay in the relationship once they've actually seen what life will be like for them once here.

 

To play devil's advocate, I could argue that, for a K-1 visa, the 90-day deadline to get married can be a trial run. Granted, 90 days is short, but it is much more like reality than a couple of 10-day visits to China. There is no great rush to get married within a week after the SO arrives, is there? True, by the time she/he gets here we have invested our time, money and soul into this process that the marriage is almost anti-climatic. And, no doubt the SO would lose a tremendous amout of face in having to go home without getting married. But if the problems are with the very foundation of the relationship, isn't that better than a divorce?

 

Yes, technically that is true: the SO has 90 days for a trial run. But the majority of CFL members don't consider this a trial run. Many argue--probably no legal standing--that because they both signed letters of intent to marry that the 90 days isn't really for a trial run. They have to marry. You can imagine the outcry on here if some SO came over after a year's worth of waiting and then decided not to marry after the 90 days and heads back. I think there would be outrage direct towards that SO.

 

You also point out the very real face saving cultural aspect of our Chinese SOs. I don't believe they have much choice. Once they've decided to come, it will have to take something extremely drastic to make them go back. Something like extreme physical abuse or child abuse. Even in the case of Jany, she decided to stay in America rather than go home and deal with the humiliation of acknowledging in person of that horrible marriage to her Chinese family and friends. Once they're here, really there's not much that will get them to go back.

 

But technically, I agree that they do have up to 90 days to see for themselves how it'll be in the US before they get married. However, reality doesn't match up to the technical point very well, IMO.

[phantom1949]

I was awake up around 2:30 am this morning and could not back sleep because of legged jet. I feel llike speaking something about Drew's fiancee. I totally understand what's her feeling as I experienced the same process. Yes, his fiancee is younger than imature than me, but I think her love for drew is real. The main problem is the visa took long time and Drew didnt visit her for long time. That is very hard for a woman. My husband visited me in Jan 2005 and only stayed for 6 days after married, duing to no vacation left, he had to come to visit me at the end of dec 2005. Do you know how much I complained about it, and how hard I had to wait this long time? my husband called me everyday, and told me how much he loves for me, but it was different from being together. Around Sep. 2005, I felt I was exhausted and blew out, I did asked for divorce as it was too hard for me without him living with, I talked to my parents about it. My dad had a long talk with me, he stood by my husband. I knew this long wait is not my husband's fault, but I had nobody to blow up, so my husband was the only one I complained to. My husband tried to courage me when I was down. Thanks god, we both knew what the the marriage means for us, that means we have to be more paitent, and we dedicated to our love. Drew, probably because it is over 16 months you have not seen her in person. that is what a way she feels about you, in her mind she might think you didnt care for her, as you didnt try to visit as much as you could.

 

I dont know Drew's fiancee is pratical or not, but having a good job in china is very important for chinese. We dont have much pressure on our jobs in china, the life is aslo good in china if you have good jobs there except huge population. His fiancee has good job, and money is not first issue she concerned about, I bet you all there he love, especially real love is what she wants. Without a person you love and loves you, there is no reason for us giving up everything in China.

 

Why his fiancee mentioned other men chasing her in china, I think that just a game chinese young woman usally plays, she just wanted you to pay more atttention to her. That is not mature behavior, because of her young age. I never did that to my husband, honestly I knew some guys interested in me when I were in china, but I tried not never to give them a chance. and of course it was not possible for me as I am married woman.

 

Again, I believe his fiancee is confused now, with help from Drew or any of us, I am sure she will be with Drew. She will know all the waitting is worthwhile. What is what I got after I moved here for 24 hours now.

 

Paula:

 

What you wrote is wonderful!!! What you bring to the forum when you write is what women like yourself feel. You know, while we can only guess.

 

I really enjoyed reading what you wrote and your insight is greatly needed here.

 

Again, welcome to America!!!

 

When you rest up and feel better let your husband take you for a ride in the evening to see all the chirstmas decorations!!! They are so pretty - you will love them.

 

Rest up and feel better.

 

Lawrence

[KMProduct]

go and talk reality into her.. i suggest you fly back and

show her atleast you care, and u won't give her up without a fight..

 

day by day i miss my wife too.. i call her 2x a day and its been crazy lately

waiting for her to be with me.. guess ill be alone this xmas. waiting for my

I129-F to get appoved.. but hey nothing we can really do..

 

i just hope my wife stand by my side.. but i dont blame her

if she does find sum1 better in life.. in life there is always better

and its whom you choose which makes it perfect..

 

reality is your key. go take action..

best wishes

[Drew]

To answer the questions of my time with my fiance:

 

1) Met in Jan 2005 thru coworkers while there for project. Left in February.

 

2) Flew over in April 2005 to visit for 2 weeks after continuous emails, yahoo messenger, and phone calls. Finalized decision to proceed with getting married. Already had been preparing for this decision by filling out I-129F and other associated paperwork, waiting to make my decision during this trip.

 

3) Filed I-129F in May 2005. I was still in China because the company I worked for agreed to keep me there. No one else would stay for extended times... but I did ONLY because of her. It was my coworkers actually who helped me even get documents back and forth between China and the U.S. promptly and securely. They were in full support.

 

4) I lived with her from April thru September 2005. We had some issues I admit, mostly because she had never lived with any man or had any relationship before. I pushed for us to live together because I was going to marry her and.... I thought this process was going to be swift to coincide with my departure in Sept. Believe me, it was difficult. I have never been with a woman myself where I was her first. So... I always reflected back on my very first relationship whom I was NOT her first many years ago and decided that after the hurt I was put thru, which I have felt to this day, that I would not abandon my relationship with her and stick with it until the end. As far as I am concerned, I am married to her... just not legally yet.

 

5) I left in Sept 2005 and returned December 2005. In December 2005, I was there for 2 full weeks. We shared a hotel together for that period. We even had full engagement photos taken that took a full day. Those photos remind me everyday of whom I have made my commitment too. I'm one of those guys that has never liked to have his photo taken, so this was a huge thing for me. Right down to some of the goofy costumes that she laughed about me wearing for the "traditional" shots.

 

6) In January 2006 she had her interview. Everything was set. All documents ready. Nothing could go wrong.... then they did. Her job requirements for her CPC membership. She had NO idea that this was a problem. Unfortunately, she also did not know the English words when I asked her this question. She only knew the Chinese words which I still cannot repeat because it ties my tongue.

 

6) I returned again in April 2005 for another 2 weeks. I had already been fighting for us and thought the issue was resolved and I was going to take her home on that trip. We had a wonderful time together. Everything was great. She had to work everyday and hated being away from me even during the daytime knowing I was waiting for her back at the hotel. I must admit also that "spring heat" was in full force for her.... oops.. info overload. We kept waiting for the word on her visa approval. Then the letter of "death" came and I had to pursue further action. Qualifying her for the I-601 waiver.

 

7) I returned last week of May until early June again. This trip was different. I was gathering the evidence required for the I-601 waiver. We also registered with the consulate to be married in China if necessary and prepared to do so if the paperwork requested for the waiver did not come. She hated that trip and the disappointment already of not having been able to return with me in April. As pointed out by someone else, it was anti-romantic and she said I reminded her of a policeman. Well...... my father is former government personnel...... I can be a policeman, investigator, lawyer, you name it... it's in my blood. I've been asked if I ever considered law when helping out friends/ family in other legal related situations. It was unfortunately a very stressful trip and .... that is also the last I saw her to date.. June 6. The paperwork came... and the other disappointment that we could and should not get married because it would hose up everything.

 

8) We waited for the processes to complete. She began to lose hope with continual blue-slips and direction that we must wait. It drug on and on. They had her come back to Guangzhou, full fingerprints, name check, etc. She cried on the phone and kept telling me that she was going to crazy and needed to see a doctor if she was not with me soon. She also was upset that we did not marry when I was there. She was excited and wanted to Marry in June. That was our original plans if she had received her visa in January. Maybe I should have just said h*ll with it??!! I was just too cognitive of the situation though having read thru the regulations on how things are done and knew this would put a monkey wrench into everything turning the clock back to "0".

 

9) We waited and waited and waited.... she became more and more distressed with each passing day, week, month.

 

9) She decided to enter a business proposition with someone to purchase a store in her despair of not expecting to come here in November without telling me. Ironically, this was the week before she found out that they were going to proceed with her visa. She now has 60,000 rmb tied up in a business, money that she had saved for 2 years, and is another reason she says I should go there. That and the fact that she wants to spend time with me more before marrying because she does not want divorce. She says she needs to be in the right mind. She decided to tell me this today in detail rather than giving me attitude about everything with the visa process putting her life on hold. I know she was excited to have a business of her own here in the U.S. with me helping her and to make her own money. It has been so important to her to not be a financial burden on me. I can relate this directly to my own grandparents. Multi-millionaires. My grandma handled the business side, grandpa handled the "what needs to get done" side. I hope this gives some understanding why I admire this. I respect my grandmother.

 

10) Today she called me to talk about our situation. She wants me to wait for her and keep the relationship by extending the visa process longer. She was told by the consulate that she can wait until she wants to redo the medical exam and finish the visa process so that she can finish what she needs for work (she has had shows almost everyday and going crazy trying to keep up with them), deal with family, give her new-found business a chance to develop, and give her time to "grow up" to be closer to what she considers the marrying age. She asked for 1 to 2 years longer as I have said before. But... said if I do not want to wait... then she will accept this. But then also says she feels she would never marry anyone if not me. I have heard this from her many times. She is not like other women I have met over the years. Very different. Just like I'm not like most other guys. Who else would hang in there like I have including my next story as example.

 

I waited 5 years for my last relationship. Thru h*ll and back it seemed. She played head games with me so many times that I think I could have been on some variant of "Survivor". Several differences though. My ex-girlfriend was 11 years OLDER than me, had 3 children, divorced twice, and.... finally when I thought things were going right.... she started to have "female problems" which resulted in the doctors ordering a full hysterectomy on her due to cancer!! I hung in there with her thru it.... she felt extreme guilt because she wanted me to have children and ran off with a coworker whom had 3 children of his own and had lost his wife to cancer! Yeah... Days of Our Lives episode. She has regretted that decision and tried to rekindle our relationship more than once contacting me. I have closed that door and even made sure she knew about my fiance, including photos, to deter further contact.

 

Getting back to my fiance. She is headstrong. Full of personality and I know she is trustworthy. I will restate again what she has said about other men to hopefully clear this up. She has said that she gets lots of attention because of her job. She however is not interested in them. She knows I am a good man. I have never been married, no children, and I am older than her as she has wanted. The Chinese men are usually married, divorced, and/or have children at my age. She does NOT want any man her age or younger and wants to keep our relationship going.

 

She has said these things more than once and held it as her basis for having our relationship from the beginning. She wants me to wait for her to become older so that she can be a good wife. She repeated this again to me on the phone this morning. If I can't wait, she has told me in crying words that she would accept it and would wear the ring until I am married.

 

Getting back to item 9) above. I told her money cannot have a bearing on her staying even though she has made an investment. She wants me to allow her to have some kind of success in her life with her hard earned money. I can understand the principle. She spent several years saving. It's crazy that this is happening. It's the same as a person though buying into something that takes their mind off the bad and trying to appease themselves. I can relate... quite easily. Been there... done it. I bought a motorcyle last month myself. However, she has engulfed herself into a responsibility that she cannot simply walk away from for fear she will lose what she has invested.

 

I need to give her time. My mother and sister plan on getting their passports/visas. Maybe my grandmother would be interested in going... but she is 85 years old and been waiting for my fiance to come here before she loses sight in the only eye she has left.

 

I could write a novel. It's my nature. I've dispelled too much info I feel, but this relationship more than just a "fling". It's the equivalent of a marriage has been strung out because of separation and is only missing a legal binding document. Without question, it has tested us. We have hung in there, I just wish she was prepared and not scared like she has stated over and over about coming here.

 

I just need to let her live some of her dream for now. At least a few months and plan on the trip to see her with my family. She thinks she can take as long as she needs with the visa being issued. I told her this is not true. She simply does not understand the intricacies.

 

I have contacted a member on this forum who may be able to better explain after personal dealings with the process to her over the phone. I want to make it very clear to her the can of worms that she is going to open if we don't proceed with what we have fought so hard for in a timely manner.

 

As far as moving to China. I just can't risk the financial future for either of us here without potentially extreme consequences if I am unable to find a job that pays the bills. I had a hard life when I grew up. I have my student loans I am still repaying, a second mortgage for all of the home remodel projects and furnishings in my home I purchased preparing for her, etc. I'm not even selling my house when I take the new job or moving my things. I have a friend that can rent from me as a housesitter and have another friend in Houston to help me out until I establish a new residence. In six to 9 months though, maybe I'll be in a position financially to take a plunge to go there. I simply cannot not do so right now. I need her to come here or allow some time to pass to see what happens naturally, but realistically allow a maximum of 1 year and explain that everything expires that would allow her to be with me.

 

I think a visit with my family will make a difference. The trip after silence will tell.

 

Well.. I hope this is ALOT more info.

Edited December 16, 2006 by Drew (see edit history)

[ameriken]

To play devil's advocate, I could argue that, for a K-1 visa, the 90-day deadline to get married can be a trial run. Granted, 90 days is short, but it is much more like reality than a couple of 10-day visits to China. There is no great rush to get married within a week after the SO arrives, is there? True, by the time she/he gets here we have invested our time, money and soul into this process that the marriage is almost anti-climatic. And, no doubt the SO would lose a tremendous amout of face in having to go home without getting married. But if the problems are with the very foundation of the relationship, isn't that better than a divorce?

I agree with you here.....the 90 days is a window of opportunity that is better than her making one or two trips here. Afterall, no one says you must get married when she gets here.

 

I understand the governments side of this too. In reality, you know many SO's would be able to spend more than 10 days with us......and after being with us for 30, 60, or 90 days, how many of them would actually return to China? How many would get married here and stay?

 

Giving a 'free trial' would bypass all the necessary security checks and other processes, and you know that aint gonna happen. And I have to be honest: before I knew anything at all about US visas, we both considered getting her a tourist visa with the full intent of her staying once she got here. We figured once she is here, we can marry and then worry about making her legal afterward.

 

Obviously, we learned otherwise. Another fact is, most of our SO's would not even qualify for a B2. So, the 90 days should be considered a trial....under current rules it is all that anyone has to work with!

[SheLikesME?]

WoW. What a touching story. I can relate to this so much.

 

Let me tell you a little more of my wife. As I said earlier, she took this EMBA course through UTA but it was taught in Beijing. I was against it until I prayed and had a change of heart. So I paid for it. She flung herself into school full force. It puts me to shame how much she works at ther job and her studies. She reads all the books from cover to cover. No one else in the class does this, so they all want her on team projects.

 

I got upset due to her putting her daughter with her sister in another town, so she can emerse herself. Also it meant if I came to visit I would interupt her studies. I was to work hard on my side she hoped, like pay off debt and other oportunities. Bottom line I was frustrated and hurt. No matter what I did I could not understand her doing this to me and her daughter. I was baffled.

 

But the good signs showed up. I drug my feet a little on CR1/CR2 issues. Boy has this upset her. I really did not think she was in that big of a hurry to come here. She would remind me from time to time that our marriage was sure and trust is sure, why do I doubt anything? It baffled her. The fact I did not seem so urgent about the CR visas hurt her feelings and she wondered how bad I wanted her. I was frankly surprised.

 

My point is, your lady sounds like a really good gal. I don't think her adjusting to you or a man for the first time is that big a deal or something to be considered at this point. Maybe high strung as hell and logical, yet at the same time deeply emotional (almost uncontrolled) and dedicated to just you. I found my wife was about like a teenage girl on her first date with a boy she really liked. Her reasoning goes completly out the window. Her feelings have been locked up in discipline and culture for so many years, even learning how to be married to her first husband with little to no affection, that it just came out uncontrallable with me on that first visit. Vibratory crazy. I remember questioning her college degrees and high tech job. I could not understand how a woman like this could ever discipline herself to achieve such things. I couldn't. She even questioned herself and had never taken such crazy actions nor felt like she did with me.

 

So her solution after my 2nd visit was to go back in that shell and work like SuperWoman achieving impossible tasks. Yet she talks to me everyday. She just didn't/doesn't want to get too sexy or anything over the phone because it is hard on her. It really is hard on her.

 

It sounds to me like you have a LOT to work with. It may be too late or maybe not, but maybe marriage is OK now. Even if you start the process over. I knew it was important to my wife, beside thinking it is the right thing to do. I just feel marriage makes things go smoother in life, despite any wait. Marriage has helped us. It is a big reassurance and she trusts me.

 

Live there, I don't know. If me I would love to if she is willing. On the other hand if you have debt, then maybe get out of it completly. I would let her know there is no one else for me just like she told you. But you will have to let her put her energy into this business if you do live with her. It will take dedication and maybe make you feel a bit ignored, at times. But if you stick it out the 2 years like that, I bet the reward would be great. She will appreciate your sacrifice. She really could not help her sincere disapointment in not marrying back in June. That emotion is so hard to control. Get with her as often as possible or live with her and I bet it would turn out everybit as good as it can be. Just my hunch, and I could be completley wrong. Heck my wife isn't here yet so where is my experience?

 

I gotta go. Wrote this in too big a hurry. Glad you posted. Maybe I should have PMd and said too much too, but I have said so much about myself already from colonoscopyies to my huge new toilet that, OH well. Hey keep posting. And if you wind up in Houston, let us Txas Gang know. Love to meet you.

Edited December 16, 2006 by SheLikesME (see edit history)

[ameriken]

Drew...since the subject of the 90 days has come up......have you considered presenting that as an 'option' to her?

 

Maybe it may make her feel more comfortable knowing she has 90 days to change her mind and return to China? (Which she can do anyway, anyway, but she may not be looking at it that way). Anyhow, just a thought.......Ken

[SheLikesME?]

Of course it wouldn't hurt if you can negotiate something with her to come over and take a look at America and your situation. Maybe get married, or maybe go back with her and marry over there. Is that possible on K1? I have no idea, as I abandoned that once I met my wife.

 

Maybe marry in both countries.

 

I guess it hinges on her time away from this new business now. I am not sure if you can convince her you have the money to cover her losses if she gives it up. My wife will not accept LOSS on anything hardly.

 

Good luck. I gotta go work on the house.

Edited December 16, 2006 by SheLikesME (see edit history)

[phantom1949]

Drew:

 

With everything you say and the feelings that both you and your SO express, then work it out with her. Go visit her with your family and let her know you both love and support her. Give her a chance to succeed in her venture and visit her often.

 

Give her a chance to gorw up a little, to mend her hurt feelings and allow the two of you to draw closer. It may be a hrder road in the short term but bring both of your closer together and make for a stronger marriage.

 

It does not sound like she is playing games, but she is young and like the rest of us has dreams as well. The nice part is you are part of her dreams.

 

So work it out.

 

Lawrence

[chilton747]

Drew,

I must retract what I said earlier. Go with you heart. Sorry I over reacted.

[SinoTexas]

One thing I hate about this process is the ladies/men cannot come over for a visit first, meet the family, look at your house, see what you do every day. Even with love they just may not want it.

 

I agree with this 150%. It is extremely unfortunate that the vast majority of Chinese SOs can't come to the States first for a visit. I think it would immensely help out with a long term relationship. Without a visit first, they're all going on blind faith. Some, unfortunately, will not stay in the relationship once they've actually seen what life will be like for them once here.

 

To play devil's advocate, I could argue that, for a K-1 visa, the 90-day deadline to get married can be a trial run. Granted, 90 days is short, but it is much more like reality than a couple of 10-day visits to China. There is no great rush to get married within a week after the SO arrives, is there? True, by the time she/he gets here we have invested our time, money and soul into this process that the marriage is almost anti-climatic. And, no doubt the SO would lose a tremendous amout of face in having to go home without getting married. But if the problems are with the very foundation of the relationship, isn't that better than a divorce?

 

Yes, technically that is true: the SO has 90 days for a trial run. But the majority of CFL members don't consider this a trial run. Many argue--probably no legal standing--that because they both signed letters of intent to marry that the 90 days isn't really for a trial run. They have to marry. You can imagine the outcry on here if some SO came over after a year's worth of waiting and then decided not to marry after the 90 days and heads back. I think there would be outrage direct towards that SO.

 

You also point out the very real face saving cultural aspect of our Chinese SOs. I don't believe they have much choice. Once they've decided to come, it will have to take something extremely drastic to make them go back. Something like extreme physical abuse or child abuse. Even in the case of Jany, she decided to stay in America rather than go home and deal with the humiliation of acknowledging in person of that horrible marriage to her Chinese family and friends. Once they're here, really there's not much that will get them to go back.

 

But technically, I agree that they do have up to 90 days to see for themselves how it'll be in the US before they get married. However, reality doesn't match up to the technical point very well, IMO.

 

Lee posted something about this very issue a few weeks ago. So, it does happen

 

As aye,

 

Jim

 

From Lee:

 

For those who want further evidence of the family involvement and the commitment the family can show toward the relationship, here is one example.

 

One woman recently came to the US and after a few weeks decided she would not be happy in the US, missed her son and family too much. She decided she wanted to return home to China, this in spite of the fact that they intended for her son to follow through his K-2 follow to join interview as quickly as possible.

 

Her returning had nothing to do with a bad relationship or things such as arguments and/or abuse. In fact other than her missing home and having some major culture shock things seemed to be well. This was both according to the USC I spoke with and her conversations with my wife.

 

When she told her parents her return travel plans they were angry and argued that she stay. Then they hung up on her in disgust.

 

She has been back in China for about a week now and her parents did not meet her at the airport and she is staying with a friend, because her parents do not desire to see her or have her live in their home at this time.

 

Her parents have reached out to the USC through an English speaking Chinese friend in LA because they were very concerned for him, but they have not yet spoken with their daughter.

 

It's not quite so easy for a Chinese woman to decide to call things off as it is an American.