When SO has a family problem

[RLS]

My SO says that she will have her life with me here in the U.S., but, if her parents become seriously ill, or die, she would like to return to China. It is certainly understandable, but, in many cases, not practical or affordable. Is this a common understanding with most couples? I know that when my parents got sick, I could not afford to fly back and forth to be with them. I did spend a lot of time on the phone and was concerned, of course. How do you feel about this?

[FuManChu]

I know one of the main reasons I married my wife was her strong ideas about "family." If my wife's family had an emergency, I would "beg, borrow, or steal" to get her the funds to visit her family. Affordable or unafforadable is sometimes a matter of sacrifice. If I didn't have the money, I would get it, even if it meant further debt, or otherwise. It's THAT important.

[PapaBear]

I know one of the main reasons I married my wife was her strong ideas about "family." If my wife's family had an emergency, I would "beg, borrow, or steal" to get her the funds to visit her family. Affordable or unafforadable is sometimes a matter of sacrifice. If I didn't have the money, I would get it, even if it meant further debt, or otherwise. It's THAT important.

 

Well Said FuManChu!

 

Ditto to the above! Family has got to be Number One!

 

PapaBear

[pcgm1571]

Yes, family is very important to the Chinese, but my wife recently said something that gave me a little different view of this than my American way of thinking would have expected.

 

My wifes father suddenly had some health problems and while they were waiting for the test results to see if it was serious, I asked her if she would want to go back. She said no which surprised me. So she added that I did not understand Chinese thinking. If she cannot help, there is no reason to go.

 

Her father's problem was minor, so this was never really put to the test.

 

Just another view....

[ameriken]

Good topic RLS, and something to think about.

 

I would send my wife back if needed, and I know she would go. But she has also indicated that if something serious happened with my own folks, she would go back with me to do whatever she could to support my own family.

 

It also depends on how serious the illness is. But, I know that for either family, my wife would be part of it and would want to be there to help.

 

PCQM1571 said his wife told him that if she cannot help, she would not go. My wifes thinking is opposite and more what you and I expected...she would go to give comfort and support for the person. One grandfather who passed away a few years ago was terminal.....no one in the family visited. However, she did visit him in his last days, just so he would not be alone.

 

Her other grandfather, whom she is very close to, is 86 and diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I am sending her back as soon as her GC issue is resolved. She cannot save him but wants to have time with him as well as make him more comfortable.

Edited December 6, 2006 by ameriken (see edit history)

[PapaBear]

if her parents become seriously ill, or die, she would like to return to China

 

I agree!

 

PapaBear B)

[RLS]

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I do not disagree with you. I understand that family is extremely important. I will hope that nothing happens during her first year in the U.S. because it will be hard for her to return. I guess there is some little thought way back in my mind that: what if she goes back to China and does not want to return? She has never said that, but, we all try to protect ourselves and cover all bases. Is that one of those bridges you can't cross until you get to it?

[paula]

Being a chinese woman. If my parents got sick after I moved to the US, I would definitely back China to take care of my parents. China has very strong family ties. Honestly these days I am busy with packing my luggage, but whenever I thought I will leave China and all my family members in a week, I feel very sad. Hopefully my life in the US will be great and then my parents will not worry about me and happy for me.

[Rakkasan]

Excellent topic. I too have worried as to what I would do if one of her parents became ill before the AOS. I had already planned on setting aside money for her to travel back home on short notice should the need arise, but does anyone know how this is handled if she is still waiting for her GC?

[jemmyell]

Ron,

 

It is a serious issue. When Loving Candle arrives here I will file for both Advance Parole and the Green Card at the same time for exactly this issue. You don't want your SO to have to decide between caring for you and caring for her family. It should be ALL of you together as a new family.

 

-James and Loving Candle

[yuan fen]

Excellent topic. I too have worried as to what I would do if one of her parents became ill before the AOS. I had already planned on setting aside money for her to travel back home on short notice should the need arise, but does anyone know how this is handled if she is still waiting for her GC?

 

 

 

"but does anyone know how this is handled if she is still waiting for her GC?"

 

File for AP right out the gate?

 

I still need to look this up. But,

 

I echo this question. Not only if a family member gets too ill, but in a line of work where one could be sent to China anytime. They will want her to travel with back to China also, which I would. Don't know when. Could be tomorrow, next week, next month.

 

 

We have talked of these very issues early in our relationship, and still do today.

 

There are several members here, that their spouse returns often, or is there at the moment.. How do they handle this situation?

 

One denies Chips, another buys face cream, another they just go back for a month or

so too, anyway,

 

Ron good topic.

 

 

If she did not want to come back, would one go there?

[phantom1949]

Great topic. Something to plan and be ready for.

[Urkidding]

Suck it up. It will happen!

 

Family ties are stronger everywhere. My mother who is from Europe would go at a heartbeat if someone was ill and things didn¡¯t look good. I always say that you need to go visit them while they are still alive and not just for funerals.

[amerchin]

The best stituation is to file for AP while filing for your AOS. This would give you the option of them returning if need be. If you can't afford it (like it was stated earlier - borrow the money). This way they won't feel helpless and chained to the US, thus causing them to regret coming here. This also builds trust between the two of you so that they know you've covered the bases. If you can't go because of work and etc., you have to let them go alone. Trust has to be built between the two of you. If you are insecure about the relationship what's to say that they won't be doing something while you're away at work. Love, trust and respect are similar. You have to give it to receive it. Family in the Chinese culture is stronger in rural areas than city areas because in rural areas several generations live together on the same property. City apartments usually don't have as much room, but most families live pretty close in the same area. Family members help each other in situations whether it's emotional, fiancial, etc. Any restriction on this can cause problems in the future. Supporting their wishes can go a long way in the future of your relationship.