Baby Processing

[SmilingAsia]

my husband married his ex wife, who is an american woman and also 20 years younger than my husband. He married her just because she was pregnant at that time. My husband got his first baby when he was 45. Honestly I aslo admire my husband. I would definitely have no child anymore since I got my son. It is not easy to be parents as you need take so much responsibilities, which you have to take forever untill you pass away. If you never born a child, You need get one. Child can teach and change you a lot.

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American men just start to get matured when they reach 45

 

Raising a child builds up one's characters. Sometimes I think my SO needs a soccer team of kids to drive him *#x@*#x crazy!

[SmilingAsia]

I and the other members here would know what you would tell us if we were to be posting this question to you.

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If you guys post this question to me, I'd flash Birth Control Ads "If you do it once day, you have more school fees to pay . If you do it once a year, you have more time to drink beer "!!!

[whutthapho]

Baby Processing

We¡¯ll look like grandparents at this age!

 

My SO wants a baby! He is 61 years old and I¡¯m 41. If we have a baby, we¡¯ll look like grandparents rather than parents!

 

He is a registered nurse and he was in Viet Nam in 1960s. It¡¯s said in Viet Nam in 1968, life expectancy is 16 minutes (¡°16 fucking minutes¡± I learnt from a movie). Just don¡¯t understand why he didn¡¯t have any kids after he returned to LA from Viet Nam. After seeing my daughter and my little niece, he said he wants a baby of our own.

 

He meets my expectation: a kind heart and a decent education, 5'10'' in height, but he just doesn¡¯t feel secure. He thinks I¡¯m too good to be true. He checks my motive every step we¡¯ve walked. I don¡¯t think he will feel secure before we have a baby.

 

Anybody at our age have a baby?

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I'm not quite at his age and the age difference between myself and SO is 16 years. However, in my case the primary motivation to get married instead of just boyfriend/girlfriend or living together, is to raise a family. So, yes, my only reason for marriage is to have children someday and raise a family. Of course you can still have a loving, committed relatiosnship without marriage. My SO feels the same way and realizes that I'm very serious about "family" so she believes this serious attitude leads to stability and commitment to relationship.

 

She is 24 and I'm 40. Of course many people assume I just want a young, sexy woman but my reason is to have children. If I am 61 and she is 41...I think I'll be past this stage and accept that it's better to adopt or not have children.

 

Bottom line, his willingness & desire to have a child is a positive sign that he is committed to the relationship, IF this desire and commitment is genuine. Perhaps he doesn't have children already because until now he couldn't make a real committment or his previous partner wasn't sincere.

[Joanne]

Hi, smilingAsia. Since you almost responded to every reply, would you also respond to mine so that I know how you took it.

[SheLikesME?]

I've been thinking about this. I know a man, now retired, who is raising his grandchildren which is quit common now in America. I mean full up custody or adoption because the parents (their child) has become a drug addict or irresponsible in some serious way. Anyway my friend in Seatle is a man well into his 60s. He says he is a soccer mom. He visits with the other mothers at dance studios for his grandaughter, & etc. He is in a home school ring for his 2 grandkids and he teaches history and math, while the others teach the other subjects. He is a very very happy man, especially since he retired and raising the kids.

[Joanne]

I've been thinking about this.  I know a man, now retired, who is raising his grandchildren which is quit common now in America.  I mean full up custody or adoption because the parents (their child) has become a drug addict or irresponsible in some serious way.  Anyway my friend in Seatle is a man well into his 60s.  He says he is a soccer mom.  He visits with the other mothers at dance studios for his grandaughter, & etc.  He is in a home school ring for his 2 grandkids and he teaches history and math, while the others teach the other subjects.  He is a very very happy man, especially since he retired and raising the kids.

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I agree. As for the financial aspect. Every one is different. However I can see that the older parents are usually more financially ready. As for supporting the child through colleague, a lot of colleague education are currently done with student loans and other financial aids. I wonder how big a percentage of parents actually pay for their kid's colleague tuition.

[SheLikesME?]

My son owes about 20K in student loans I learned. MOre than I thought. He thinks I contributed 10K. But I am sure it is less. Now he is graduated, and between co-op work in the summer an dpart time jobs and loans he pretty much did it, except when he feared loans. SO I helped from time to time. But I have told my wife that we do not have to pay for college, they can do as my son. We have discussed having 1-3 more together. So maybe 2? Who knows. Just roll the dice.

 

Personally I am glad I am here!!! I think any kid born, regardless of defects or anything else, will be glad too. One thing I love is driving through China and seeing all the children going to school in the small towns. They seem well fed, dressed, and happy. I wonder how many have an outhouse for a toilet as my wife did, no water heater other than the stove, and concrete for a floor. So what?

 

Smiling Asian, to get back to you, I would not do anything if it is too stressful for you. You may not get pregnant anyway if too nervous. Once you are here with him things may take a natural course and you will know then. Otherwise have it there and start the clock.

 

My feeling and policy has always been that it is kinda up to the woman. On the otherhand I sure want to raise a baby from diapers to college. I kinda cheated myself out of that treat in my first marriage. But if it doesn't happen it is OK, but I bet we have one.

Edited August 16, 2006 by SheLikesME (see edit history)

[SmilingAsia]

Hi, smilingAsia.  Since you almost responded to every reply, would you also respond to mine so that I know how you took it.  

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I'm still hesitating. I'd struggle all the way raising a baby from diapers to college. At the same time I think it's good for him to handle a small kid after he retires. He needs a baby to drive him crazy and build up his characters.

[SmilingAsia]

Bottom line, his willingness & desire to have a child is a positive sign that he is committed to the relationship, IF this desire and commitment is genuine. Perhaps he doesn't have children already because until now he couldn't make a real committment or his previous partner wasn't sincere.

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He is the one who doesn't feel secure about the relationship. I'm the one who is confident of the relationship.

 

He was used by a desperate Chinese woman before for money or green card - I didn't ask the details. He checked my motive every step we walked.

I believe a kid driving him *#x@*#x crazy will build up his characters.

[sleepless in Houston&CQ]

Bottom line, his willingness & desire to have a child is a positive sign that he is committed to the relationship, IF this desire and commitment is genuine. Perhaps he doesn't have children already because until now he couldn't make a real committment or his previous partner wasn't sincere.

237882[/snapback]

He is the one who doesn't feel secure about the relationship. I'm the one who is confident of the relationship.

 

He was used by a desperate Chinese woman before for money or green card - I didn't ask the details. He checked my motive every step we walked.

I believe a kid driving him *#x@*#x crazy will build up his characters.

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Kids also make him loose a lot more hair..

[SheLikesME?]

Tough call for you Smiling Asian. I wish you the best. I did not mean to imply I think you should have a baby in my previous posts. I felt a little bad about it after I posted. However I just wanted to throw out a positive side from things I had seen in life.

 

Rule of thumb for me is if you have doubts about something it is best to not do it or wait a while until that doubt it gone when some events change things.

 

Maybe you need to ask about the details of the lady who used him. There are always two sides to the story, as is said often here in CFL. I found with my wife that she did not want to know details to the point that when she found out later it crushed her. Example in my case was me trying to tell her about my mortgage and all of my financial things. I told her but she was disinterested to the point of it not registering in her mind. Then one day after marriage I told her again and she got it. And this is a smart woman who speaks fluent english. It has taken awhile for her to get over this. Maybe you should dig a bit more with details about him and find out what all his doubts are and why. Seems this is affecting you now. With this kind of decision for another human life I would take all the precautions. Also how do you feel about his retiring and were you going to work then??? Is that really OK with you? If so more power to you and him. Maybe this will keep him young. Can you take care of this child and work if something happens to him or there are problems? Just idle thoughts. Wish you the best.

 

But in the end, kids are wonderful. I always think they are worth it. They are always a leap of faith. Follow your inside is all I know if you are comfortable with him.

Edited August 16, 2006 by SheLikesME (see edit history)

[eeyore]

I and the other members here would know what you would tell us if we were to be posting this question to you.

237693[/snapback]

If you guys post this question to me, I'd flash Birth Control Ads "If you do it once day, you have more school fees to pay . If you do it once a year, you have more time to drink beer "!!!

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Amen sister!!!!!!

 

Gotta love Chinese philosophy

 

[Joanne]

I will give you another example. A neighbor woman married her third husband when she was about 50, while her husband was about 30 (or even younger). They had two girls. By the time the two girls entered junior high school, the mother is over 60. They are not wealthy, father does mostly manual labor type of work. They do have a big farm which mother spent most of her time managing, but they are not comercial farmers. Both girls developed nicely into independent young adults, one is a vet, another is a comercial artist. Prior to university, they received all their education in the small local school (with less than 50 kids from kindergarten through senior high school).

 

I am not saying that you should have more kids. I am just saying that you should not use age as an excuse.

[SmilingAsia]

I will give you another example.  A neighbor woman married her third husband when she was about 50, while her husband was about 30 (or even younger).  They had two girls.  By the time the two girls entered junior high school, the mother is over 60.  They are not wealthy, father does mostly manual labor type of work.  They do have a big farm which mother spent most of her time managing, but they are not comercial farmers.  Both girls developed nicely into independent young adults, one is a vet, another is a comercial artist.  Prior to university, they received all their education in the small local school (with less than 50 kids from kindergarten through senior high school). 

 

I am not saying that you should have more kids.  I am just saying that you should not use age as an excuse.

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Reasonable. My mother has 6 children and she has encouraged me for many years to have a son.

 

I really didn't expect all the sacrifice I have to make: travel dreams, career, freedom, enjoyable couple hours. I'll have a job when the baby is 2 years old, not a career I enjoy, but whatever job that can earn income to feed the baby.

And concerns of Cantonese-women-style: I'll be too big for the two wardrobes of clothes I have now, and I'll really look like a grandma after child birth which will make my SO feel secure

Physically I cannot recover as easily as before after child birth, at this age.

[Joanne]

Physically I cannot recover as easily as before after child birth, at this age.

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You are probably right on this. I haven't yet shedded the extra pounds gained during pregancy. However, my husband once chided me when I was complaining about this simply fact: Don't blame DD for that. You looked this way the day I first met you.