Prenup's

[egolessvegan]

. The prenupt I was considering protects me somewhat. It also shows her how much I am committed to her and her family.

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[egolessvegan]

.  The prenupt I was considering protects me somewhat.  It also shows her how much I am committed to her and her family.

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232708[/snapback]

Bill:

Do you love your money or your SO?

[bill23]

How can this be a serious question? Explain to me how I can't love my SO and not worry about the difficulties that are beyond my imagination or control?

[david_dawei]

I don't necessarily agree with ken's either / or suggestion, but get his point... and you make a valid point; but the future is beyond our control, whoever it is with.

 

So, I'll ask to probe: If this was an american... the girl next door you knew for 15 years... would a pre-nup still be as high on your list?

[bill23]

I made a post and deleted it david.

 

In a nutshell the answer is no! Because of the complexities of the relationship I think a prenupt is something to think about. It is to protect her as well. Not that I expect anyone to understand.

[woainilin]

Not necessarily David!

 

That may not be the right answer in your mind.  My relationship is what it is. 

My SO at times has been trapped in a cultural bias that has hindered us during this process.  I am very honest with myself.  I understand the reality that I was unable to spend the kind of time that is the norm in a relationship.  I have mostly had to move by feel and gestures than communication as we know it.  It is a great feeling.

 

There are numerous pressures that exist in China.  I believe that I am looked at as a hope to a few in her family.  See, I have already had to deal with this after being shunned.  She was providing and they were losing a provider.  I am taking on some of this responsibility because I totally believe that my SO loves me.  I know it.  I would not pay a dowry because it goes against everything I stand for.  You can agree or not but I would be free of control if I did it.  I chose to plead with them that they are part of my family and we will do what we can to help.  I want to respect Chinese culture and I want to help.  I want her to have a family and roots.

 

You can read between the lines here if you think.  I understand the power of family but I am also protecting her from it.

232736[/snapback]

I don't think it is a terrible thing to ask for a pre-nup and I know that it is not completly a foreign concept. My guy who lives in a very small village brought up the issue and asked me if I wanted him to sign a pre-nup and I said no.

 

Being as you have given it alot of thought, I think you will regret it if you do not discuss this with your fiance. Why not bring up the topic by saying your lawyer suggested it and feel her out? Perhaps she will agree right away and the problem is solved. If she gets defensive you can say .. well my lawyer just advised this so I thought we should discuss it. This will give you time to consider what you would like to do next.

 

Even if she is angry if she truely loves you then having the conversation will not be a deal breaker and if it is .. then perhaps there was never a deal to begin with. My earlier post was meant to suggest you do this or do not do this while she is in a comfortable setting so it doesn't feel threatening or forced. We woman feel very vulnerable when we are out of our setting. When I went to China it was my first time out of country and I went alone .. My mother was so upset she thought they were going to sell me ha ha ..... Anyway .. it was quite scary to be somewhere with no language and someone you do not know well .. If my SO asked me to sign something I didn't understand in this situation .. My first thought would be, what will he do if I don't sign it? I would be scared to debate being as I am out of country and wouldn't want to anger the person I was dependent on. So I would sign the paper and then I would have been ready to jump on a plane returning to the US as fast as I could.

[david_dawei]

I made a post and deleted it david. 

 

In a nutshell the answer is no!  Because of the complexities of the relationship I think a prenupt is something to think about.  It is to protect her as well.  Not that I expect anyone to understand.

232739[/snapback]

I hear/understand you.. I hope that if you decide to go through with it, she hears/understands it too...

[rogerluli]

I also know where a prenup was ignored by the court; that poor Chinese girl simply didn't understand what she was signing (true story).

 

 

232669[/snapback]

I'm glad you brought up this point Don. All your prenup expense and bad feelings generated may go for naught if the court decides that the spouse did not understand what they were signing. And if they were not treated fairly in the agreement then it is almost certainly going out the window. So the upside to a prenup is...

[david_dawei]

I also know where a prenup was ignored by the court; that poor Chinese girl simply didn't understand what she was signing (true story).

 

 

232669[/snapback]

I'm glad you brought up this point Don. All your prenup expense and bad feelings generated may go for naught if the court decides that the spouse did not understand what they were signing. And if they were not treated fairly in the agreement then it is almost certainly going out the window. So the upside to a prenup is...

232825[/snapback]

To her.. by that time.. that may be the up side of the pre-nup

[skibum]

Let me put my previous post in a different way. You need to be familiar with the divorce laws of your state. Why even bring it up if it will not affect you?

As I said before, in Tx and Co a prenup wouild not have made a bit of difference. If I lived in Ca, I would probably want one if I was not positive about my relationship.

[bill23]

I have kind of put this subject to bed. I think that there is a right time and place for a prenup and in most cases it is not a good idea. I think what bothers me the most is that some people assume that you don't have the same kind of love and trust by having one. I read stories, know people, who have loved each other very much. But sometimes things change and they are beyond your control.

 

It happens every single day. The fact is that some who have responded on this thread will go through a divorce and it won't be their fault. My situation is a little different because i expect to have difficulties in China. I sure hope not, but I can feel that my SO is trying to get away from some pressures. I am pretty sure that I am not going to bring it up. If I do it will be when she is here much to the dissappointment of many. I kind of made the decision not to mess with it after I realized that the laws were not what I thought they were.

 

Its all good

[sleepless in Houston&CQ]

QUOTE(sleepless in Houston&CQ @ Jul 21 2006, 10:48 AM)

It is an interesting topic. Hubby and me have talked about this a lot on the phone. I'm glad we always have the same thoughts. We are really one!

If my husband asked me sign this agreement before we got married, I would sign without any hesitation. But this would hurt my pride. and I would't share my assets with him either. I don't think this is a good beginning of a new life.

I believe it is better to tell your SO before she leaving china. If you think she is your missing half and want to share the rest of your life with her,why don't you ask for her opinion about this issue?

Bobby's wife Emma

 

Bill

 

I did not write this post my wife did!

But I agree with Emma 100%.

As we both don't have a pot of gold, but we both have a nice pot to piss in and more than one window to throw it out.

per Don's twisted post... lol

 

Bill dude im glad you have made the decison to put this to rest.

If you don't have trust in a marriage you will never have anything to

write home about.

A little wise Texas tale

"if your going to try and piss up a rope make sure your not on

the down wind side" cause you could get a golden shower!

 

I wish you and your lao po the best in your new life

God Bless America

THIS IS MY OPINION

Bobby....

[Joanne]

Remember, a pre-nup only comes into force if you divorce.  If you stay married your will and inheritance laws apply, not the pre-nup.

232540[/snapback]

We don't have a pre-nup (no need) but I agree with Jim on this issue. (I haven't finished reading other posts of the thread yet)

 

I particularly agree with his view that the pre-nup would only be useful when there were a divorce. You may very well express that you wish this pre-nup will never be put in effect. After hearing your story, I am sure, your SO will understand and be supportive of the thought. However, keep in mind, in case there is no pre-nup, you may loose your property, but she my have lost her career, in case of divorce. You may want to reflect this consideration in your pre-nup.

 

Please let me go off-topic a bit. To many American man, they feel that they have acted god by bringing their SO to US. US is indeed a wonderland to those greencard hunters (scammers). And it is a good country. However, to many Chinese women, the reason they come is because they love their American SO.

 

I agree with woainilin and others on that you should start talking to her about this idea much sooner than when she comes to US.

 

Pre-nup will be a good thing for you, IMHO. It will remove one more obstacle between your two souls. But only if she sign a pre-nup that require her to return to China if divorce, you can be sure that she is not a scammer.

[Joanne]

One of the reasons that this thread has been reasonable is because I am not looking to hear what I want to hear.  I am fighting no one.  Prenup's are not always solely around trust.  Do you think a lot of people get married and not trust their SO's?  I am 37 years old and never married.  It is not because I am different but it is because I never loved anyone enough.  As I have gotten older I have changed. 

 

I am not in delusions that I have spent approx. 3 weeks with my fiance although we have been together for a long long time.  The prenupt does not have anything to do with trust.  I totally understand the repurcussions of deciding to do something unique like this.  I am not just marrying someone.  I am marrying a culture. 

 

My SO is leaving her country and family and I have so much respect for that.  In any circumstance,  I want her to have a life HERE.  I have my reasons and they are justified.  A prenupt can be positive instead of negative.  That may sound crazy but if you truly love someone and yourself and family it is true.  Each of our situations is very different.  Only I know how much I love my SO.  I can do everything I can to make my marriage work---it does not change all of the possibilities.  The prenupt I was considering protects me somewhat.  It also shows her how much I am committed to her and her family.

232707[/snapback]

With this attitude, a pre-nup is a good thing.

 

Jim, we are out numbered.

[bill23]

Bobby,

 

I knew that post was from a female, your wife. It helped a great deal. It was very helpful. Joanne is starting to see to a little through my eyes as well. It is such a hard subject because in general terms, everyone makes good points. I can only listen to everyone and make a decision based on what is best for my situation.

 

As of now, I will not plan on taking my attorney's advice. In a couple of months I will be back in china for a week to get her. I think this trip will ultimately form my final decision. I will be seeing her parents again in their hometown. It is a small place. We will see if I have any surprises this time or if I truly have support for the right reasons. I have expressed that I consider them part of my family but have had to take a hardline stand in the past.

 

Either way, I am one who understands the committment my SO is making by leaving her life to come here. Accordingly, all my thoughts on this would have made a win-win situation. I want my SO to become very independent here while still keeping a strong value system of Eastern culture. I hope she can get in the medical field here. I know how hard it will be on us for a long time. This is another issue. I will start a thread on it soon.

 

Thanks to you all!