What do you want from a marriage?

[Joanne]

It is impossible to have two persons coming from complete different cultures and raised up in different families and with different life experiences to feel the same and reach the same conclusions on any decision-making process. Thus I think, understanding and trust is extremely important in a cross-cultural relationship.

 

In general, Chinese people put more weight on friendship and extended family, in comparison to their USC SOs. Also, Chinese women, particularly of younger generation, would desire more freedom in their marriage (I am not talking about Bill's Chun here). I don't see anything wrong from allowing personal space in a good marriage. For example, if my hubby check into every posts I made here on CFL, I would be doomed. Good that he is not doing that. If so, he could generate a lot of suspecions from my posts, or even, just from me being here. I am very loyal to my hubby but I still appreciate the fact that he allows me to leave him out of many of my social activities.

 

I think, to some extent, allowing your SO to make independent decisions is like building a diversified investment portfolio. Because the ideas been discarded along the centralized decision-making process could be the very correct one. Discussions help steering on the right path, but not always.

 

P.S.:

This post was intended for another thread, so I edited a bit and started this new topic (Sorry Mod, please delete it if you see fit/not-fit. My opinions above was directed towards the general responses from many USCs in the other thread. Hope I have gotton my point across.

 

(Edited for spelling. Thanks, Dan. )

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Edited June 1, 2006 by Joanne (see edit history)

[Dan R]

Gotten across and well taken. Thank you!

[david_dawei]

I very much agree with your points... I don't think I could of picked two better words for myself...

 

when I first meet my wife, we couldn't really communication (so forget getting truthfulness), so it took understanding and trust for a lot time to be our glue... Now that she has learned english, we actually have to use words

 

also, being a gemini, i do like two sides of any coin... so being very close and sharing most everything, but having independence are both important to me. I would hope that most items are commonly desired since they it's easier for each other to 'understand'...

 

Finally, being adaptable and flexible is key in my book... without this, you live in your own world too much... I think the main reason I understand my wife is because I can drop any of my own pre-conceived ideas and just see life from her side... it's usually a much simpler and more practical life... and I usually like the view better anyway.

 

and she's got to like beer... sometimes you cannot give in

[LeeFisher3]

Joanne, first thank you for starting this thread, this is a subject that is good to think about without having a specific crisis or misunderstanding driving it.

 

My wife and I have talked much about the differences in our culture and beliefs, and I think this is something we will continue to do for the remainder of our lives. We both have opinions of what is right and wrong and how things should be done, that does not mean that either of us has the perfect answer to any question or is even right.

 

She is starting to develop new friendships here and becoming comfortable with doing things independently. And is learning to drive and becoming much more comfortable interacting in English with others. Before we were married we were both fully independent and comfortable in our separate environments and the only thing that has changed is she is learning to be comfortable in the US and we are sharing our lives together.

 

She makes some decisions that I don't understand, but that's not required. I know that some decisions I make that she does not understand, but we trust that each other would not knowingly do something to cause the other harm or pain. And if it is important to either of us we talk to seek understanding and support each other when a decision turns out badly.

 

There has only been one decision she has made which I feel is part of her culture which I strongly disagreed. She was feeling sick and was extremely hesitant to talk with me about this, her explanation was that she did not wish to burden me or cause me worry. We talked about this and I explained that it was important that she talk to me about these things. I was able to take a page from Dan R's life to explain my concern, especially since we met Dan and his wife shortly after her surgery. Fortunately, we were able to arrange a doctor's visit and take care of something before it became a much bigger problem.

 

One of the changes that I have adopted from China is the idea that offense was not intended and none is taken. I don't just apply this to our marriage, but to life in general. This is so completely foreign to life in America and I've found it to improve my life overall. No longer do I drive through town getting angry because someone did something silly or dangerous on the highway and I find that I am able to clear my mind and have a better attitude toward life with fewer worries.

 

Now my wife is in China this week as we prepare for our son's visa interview, for the past few months she has talked about changing her hair or getting it cut, who knows I'm only a man and am somewhat clueless to some of these things. So I asked if she had gotten her hair cut and she was hesitant about doing this because she was concerned about what I would think. So I assured her that she should go for it and not to worry. Well her mom doesn't like whatever she had done and I had to remind her that moms don't like change sometimes. But she didn't completely follow my instructions, since I had suggested that Green was a nice color.

 

July looks to be an interesting month as my fishing buddy will arrive and pass judgment on the fireworks in the US for July 4th and we once again make another change to our lives and learning to deal with the thought process and behavior of a 9 year old. Who by the way prefers to watch TV rather than do his home work, not much cultural difference here.

 

Life is always changing and dynamic and that's what helps to make it exciting.

[Dennis143]

OK, being that Lee ain't taken the bait, I will give my honest answer to the posts question....

 

Companionship would be at the top. Yet, she has turned out to be more than just a companion. She's my lover, my friend, my caregiver, and my soulmate. In the previous lengthy thread, i would often read words as True Love (thank you Ken) and the idea of Making the other Happy.

 

True love is the complete commitment to assuring that you will do everything you can to make your partner's life as happy and as comfortable as humanly possible. This is OUR bargain. This is OUR part of the deal. We have no control over what our partner gives us. We can only be sure to give our best to them.

 

I am lucky. She gives back everything I give. For the first time in my life, I have finally found a woman that accepts me totally, completely. Never a whine. Never a nag. Just total acceptance. So often was I conditioned to not be upfront and to hide my indescretions. Now, I realize I have none, in her eyes. And, each day together becomes another day of building our solid foundation of love.

[jim_julian]

Joanne ... you know I respect your opinion, but I think you are making a picture that is a little too negative. I have known Lao Po for almost 2 years now ... 2 year anniversary is July 9th. There was maybe a one year process where we learned about each other. Now she knows what I am thinking; she can finish my sentences ... and the reverse is true.

 

I just asked Lao Po about this, it is sooooo nice having her sitting on the couch with me, and she agrees.

 

We feel the same ... we reach the same conclusions ... are we crazy???

[Joanne]

Joanne ... you know I respect your opinion, but I think you are making a picture that is a little too negative.  I have known Lao Po for almost 2 years now ... 2 year anniversary is July 9th.  There was maybe a one year process where we learned about each other.  Now she knows what I am thinking; she can finish my sentences ... and the reverse is true.

 

I just asked Lao Po about this, it is sooooo nice having her sitting on the couch with me, and she agrees.

 

We feel the same ... we reach the same conclusions ... are we crazy???

220825[/snapback]

No, not crazy. This is what I would call the perfect match. You hit one in a million/or a thousand. Many of us still have to live with imperfection and enjoy our relationship.

[LeeFisher3]

Joanne ... you know I respect your opinion, but I think you are making a picture that is a little too negative.  I have known Lao Po for almost 2 years now ... 2 year anniversary is July 9th.  There was maybe a one year process where we learned about each other.  Now she knows what I am thinking; she can finish my sentences ... and the reverse is true.

 

I just asked Lao Po about this, it is sooooo nice having her sitting on the couch with me, and she agrees.

 

We feel the same ... we reach the same conclusions ... are we crazy???

220825[/snapback]

No, not crazy. This is what I would call the perfect match. You hit one in a million/or a thousand. Many of us still have to live with imperfection and enjoy our relationship.

220841[/snapback]

Yes, but for many of us our imperfection is perfect.

[esun41]

For Lucy and I, I am the house and she is the foundation.

 

I could not have met a more perfect woman for my life and situation. What I need in all aspects, she gives to me and vise versa.

 

I guess I am in that 1 in a million phrase. Our cultural upbring has had very little, if any, impact. We are both so unadorned by the material side of things.

 

Any thing more I could add would just be ramblings of a man deeply in love with his soulmate...

 

Good post Joanne... this is the type of post that will really help those in the beginning stages of a relationship. Once that hot fire starts to burn a little less, the couple settles in no matter what culture. IMHO

[mercator]

OK, being that Lee ain't taken the bait, I will give my honest answer to the posts question....

 

Companionship would be at the top.  Yet, she has turned out to be more than just a companion.  She's my lover, my friend, my caregiver, and my soulmate.  In the previous lengthy thread, i would often read words as True Love (thank you Ken) and the idea of Making the other Happy. 

 

True love is the complete commitment to assuring that you will do everything you can to make your partner's life as happy and as comfortable as humanly possible.  This is OUR bargain.  This is OUR part of the deal.  We have no control over what our partner gives us.  We can only be sure to give our best to them.

 

I am lucky.  She gives back everything I give.  For the first time in my life, I have finally found a woman that accepts me totally, completely.  Never a whine.  Never a nag.  Just total acceptance.  So often was I conditioned to not be upfront and to hide my indescretions.  Now, I realize I have none, in her eyes.  And, each day together becomes another day of building our solid foundation of love.

220812[/snapback]

yeah what he said, with the implicit statement that she is in my life because I want her there and she wants me in hers, neither of us needing to be in each others' lives. _-_

[ameriken]

We have to join the ranks of the Julians. Everyday we are together we wonder 'how lucky we are'. Cultural differences, personality conflicts, misunderstandings, etc are practically non-existant.

 

While we are from different countries/cultures, different age, etc, we are practically the same person in everything we say, want, and do. We do feel as if this was a 'match made in heaven'.

[NewDay2006]

I don't think that culture is very important, even though I'm attracted to Asian women. I do like the asian culture, but for basically I feel we are all just the same,... human beings. Yes we will have differences, some big, some small, but basically we are all just people. Besides the fact that men are from Pluto and women from the moon. ( I know about Mars and Venus B) ), if we find that someone that just is the "one" then we are on the road to happiness and bliss.

 

My wants and needs are not very complicated. All I want in a relationship is simple. Love, Honesty, Companionship, Understanding, LOYALITY, Committment. If we both feel this and can give this in the return to the other, then I think it would be a good relationship. No matter what

 

One of the resident "experts" here mentioned before that we shouldn't expect love or loyality ?!? .... It was my thought "what should you expect?"

 

Everyone will have thier own feelings and wants in a relationship. When 2 people find each other that share common wants and desires

, these wants and desires can be on many different levels, religion, behavioral or even on the physical level and many other levels....

(lots and Lots of sex B) ).

 

Think about the most "different" person you might have known and then one day you see them with thier spouse, and their spouse are very similar in ways... lends something to the saying "there is someone for everybody"

 

If 2 people can agree and like what the other offers and what they themselves can offer in return, then they have a pretty good chance of having a successful life together. No matter what any "expert" might think.

[Yuanyang]

I'd say the only cultural implication I was looking for was to find someone with a strong sense of Family. Based on my previous marriage that would be something very refreshing.

 

Like a few others have posted: My wife and I also think very much alike. I don't like "if you like I like". So I do everything I can to get her opinions and what she wants to do on various matters.

[march]

to keep giving him a HARD time, let him be mad, he is so cute when he is mad.

Edited June 3, 2006 by march (see edit history)

[georgeandli]

This has nothing to do whith culture or asians or americans. This is about 2 people joining together. Give and take and hope for the best. We all have to make adjustments in a relationship. Crapshoot