How to resolve disagreement with your SO?

[skibum]

The most important thing is to make sure you understand what each other are saying. I had one woman tell me that she was sorry for me which I took badly but she ment something else.

Just be sure that you have the major path plotted out before you get married and she comes here.

[dstarsboy]

I have not been in an argument with my SO yet, however, my rule of thumb is this. If she's making a decision about herself or something that will involve a sacrifice on her part, then I take a very hands off approach (aka, if she wants to take English lessons, if she wants to work here, etc). She's a mature adult and can make those decisions herself. Just be ready to support and help her out if her decision is wrong.

 

The only time I would argue with her is if she makes a decision that directly affects me and I think that the decision is a wrong one. So far, nothing like that has happened so I have no advice in that scenario.

[Guest DragonFan]

Li and I are entering our ninth year together and our relationship is stronger and our love deeper than ever. With that said, I can say that our first year was somewhat stressful, with more that a few disagreements. I think these conflicts stemmed from several sources. First, I was living in an alien country and didn't have a clue as to the language, a major stressor in and of itself. Second, there were the normal cultural differences about love, marriage, trust, etc. Third, we are both Taurus and stubborn as mules (well, considering the recent thread on mules, maybe that is not the right term  ). Still, we made it through that period I think because we were both willing to go the extra mile and we love each other and were committed.

 

We faced additional stress from Li's friends and family, who were not thrilled about her taking up with a foreign devil. Still, with much patience, we got through that as well.

 

The 19 month hassle of the visa process was no picnic either.

 

Three years ago we came to America, Li got pregnant, now there are three of us. More stress.

 

Yet through all of this, since the first year, our disagreements have been few and far between.  Whenever we do have an argument, it is rarely over a big issue. More often than not one of us is just over-tired from either work or the demands of raising a toddler. Usually, if things get a little heated, and they rarely do, we just back off and maybe go for a walk or go to separate rooms to chill out. Better that than escalate.

 

About the only sage advice I can offer is as follows: I have learned that more often than not, it is more important to be kind than it is to be right.

197395[/snapback]

Mick:

 

You story has been inspirational to me that I had to 'borrow' your advice and put it into my signature. What do you generally write as a 'writer'?

197521[/snapback]

My mother gave me a small book called "Communication Miracles for Couples." It says the almost identical thing:

 

WOULD YOU RATHER BE RIGHT OR BE LOVED?

[mercator]

I am asking this seemingly 'simple' but actually difficult question.

 

When you and your SO have different opinions from time to time (you can't be in harmony 100% of the time, right?), I understand communications are critical for a successful relationship.  But think you and your SO grew up in different environment with different personalities, you might still have different opinions after 'serious discussions', especially for couples separated in a long distance relationship. The things that you could differ from one another could be as simple as how much salt in the cooking, as complicated as whether to buy a house now, where to live, whether or not to provide long term-financial support for your SO' family, etc. 

 

Then how do you resolve the disagreement to ensure a long-lasting relationship?  Do you give in most of the time or does she give in most of time, or almost 50/50?  Some members say 'treat her like a boss'. Do you really listen to her all the time and do what ever to make her happy? The toughest question is when you think your SO is making the wrong decision for the family, then you just say 'OK'? Just trust your SO's intuition?

 

I am a little inclined to the position of 'listening to her needs and being careful not to start an argument'.  Then what next?

 

Edited for punctuations only.

197359[/snapback]

Talk it out, and always remember that the person you are talking to is the love of your life. If you come from a perspective of love and respect, the words will come easy, and you won't say something you can't take back.

 

Many chinese women seem to walk away from confrontation, if my wife and her siblings are any indicator. My wife and I have had just one "confrontation" and it was based on a miscommunication about having kids and her parents take on it (kids or divorce). I said that if I was being given an ultimatum, I would rebel against it, and she didnt talk to me for a day and a half. Again, I misunderstood her and she me, so we talked it out and kept our perspective of mutual love and it made us stronger.

 

We also have a policy when we are together that if one is angry, the added remedy of a yongbao (hug) is used. I had to do this once when we were together, and she was a little frustrated at my budget numbers versus hers (she later discovered her arithmetic was a little off, but the hug helped ).

[LeeFisher3]

The only time I would argue with her is if she makes a decision that directly affects me and I think that the decision is a wrong one. So far, nothing like that has happened so I have no advice in that scenario.

197868[/snapback]

Now this is where you really get into trouble, because you are only a man and obviously don't know what's right for you. It has nothing to do with what you think is right or wrong, she's Chinese and that settles the whole discussion. http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons6/24.gif

[SheLikesME?]

The only time I would argue with her is if she makes a decision that directly affects me and I think that the decision is a wrong one. So far, nothing like that has happened so I have no advice in that scenario.

197868[/snapback]

Now this is where you really get into trouble, because you are only a man and obviously don't know what's right for you. It has nothing to do with what you think is right or wrong, she's Chinese and that settles the whole discussion. http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons6/24.gif

198059[/snapback]

http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons6/24.gif

HAHAHAHA, yes this is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo true. As a man you do not know what is good for you. She, the woman, the wife, the SO, knows how to take care of you. She knows what is good for your health, your diet, your budget (which she controls - one way or the other - I think ), and what car, house, suite, socks, bath time, bed time, kids education, her education...........whew! Listen and learn.

 

But for privledges, number of kids, that seems to be up to you, I think. Seems like. Have I got the rules yet?

[dstarsboy]

The only time I would argue with her is if she makes a decision that directly affects me and I think that the decision is a wrong one. So far, nothing like that has happened so I have no advice in that scenario.

197868[/snapback]

Now this is where you really get into trouble, because you are only a man and obviously don't know what's right for you. It has nothing to do with what you think is right or wrong, she's Chinese and that settles the whole discussion. http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons6/24.gif

198059[/snapback]

http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons6/24.gif

HAHAHAHA, yes this is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo true. As a man you do not know what is good for you. She, the woman, the wife, the SO, knows how to take care of you. She knows what is good for your health, your diet, your budget (which she controls - one way or the other - I think ), and what car, house, suite, socks, bath time, bed time, kids education, her education...........whew! Listen and learn.

 

But for privledges, number of kids, that seems to be up to you, I think. Seems like. Have I got the rules yet?

198128[/snapback]

HAHA, now I know what to say when she makes a decision for me that I don't like.... "Yes, ma'am!"

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Disagree: I was successful in persuading my wife in a few major life-changing decisions after serious debate. Maybe I am a good talker? smile.gif But I do not want to be 'spoiled' by that. Do not take your wife as granted! As time passes, I am becoming more 'mature' and listening to her more and more.....

Discussion, "not debate." Debate, while the norm in courtrooms, will find little success in a relationship. After the debate is won, who's going to enforce the rule? There is far more a man can learn by keeping his ego in check and listening. If it's important to win, then something is out of place....

Edited March 13, 2006 by ShaQuaNew (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

Disagree: I was successful in persuading my wife in a few major life-changing decisions after serious debate. Maybe I am a good talker? smile.gif But I do not want to be 'spoiled' by that. Do not take your wife as granted! As time passes, I am becoming more 'mature' and listening to her more and more.....

Discussion, "not debate." Debate, while the norm in courtrooms, will find little success in a relationship. After the debate is won, who's going to enforce the rule? There is far more a man can learn by keeping his ego in check and listening. If it's important to win, then something is out of place....

198286[/snapback]

Very good words to heed, Jesse. There is far more a man can learn by keeping his ego in check and listening.

 

May I add, listening is doubly important, when a language barrier exist and your wife is not fluent in English. You will need to listen, listen again, digest her words, ask questions, and listen once again. After you are very confident in what she is saying, you may need to finally get someone to interpret for her. Patient listening...I suppose my grandmother was right; "God, gave you two ears and one mouth. You should listen twice as much as you talk."

Edited March 14, 2006 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[Thomas Promise]

We have had two disagreements with my SO since we have been together. By American Standards there was no disagreement or a discussion even warranted. But by her standards it was the Chosin Reservior all over again. We glared at each other and then she pouted. We had a long drive ahead of us back home and I thought that I had Helen Keller's ghost riding shotgun with me the silence was deafening. After we were home I apologized to her and Presto everything was A-OK. Sometime you gotta bend a little it took me 27 hours after the fact to do so. Do not be as stubborn as I am.

[Yuanyang]

The silence of a pouting wife is deafening!!

[Mick]

Li and I are entering our ninth year together and our relationship is stronger and our love deeper than ever. With that said, I can say that our first year was somewhat stressful, with more that a few disagreements. I think these conflicts stemmed from several sources. First, I was living in an alien country and didn't have a clue as to the language, a major stressor in and of itself. Second, there were the normal cultural differences about love, marriage, trust, etc. Third, we are both Taurus and stubborn as mules (well, considering the recent thread on mules, maybe that is not the right term  ). Still, we made it through that period I think because we were both willing to go the extra mile and we love each other and were committed.

 

We faced additional stress from Li's friends and family, who were not thrilled about her taking up with a foreign devil. Still, with much patience, we got through that as well.

 

The 19 month hassle of the visa process was no picnic either.

 

Three years ago we came to America, Li got pregnant, now there are three of us. More stress.

 

Yet through all of this, since the first year, our disagreements have been few and far between.  Whenever we do have an argument, it is rarely over a big issue. More often than not one of us is just over-tired from either work or the demands of raising a toddler. Usually, if things get a little heated, and they rarely do, we just back off and maybe go for a walk or go to separate rooms to chill out. Better that than escalate.

 

About the only sage advice I can offer is as follows: I have learned that more often than not, it is more important to be kind than it is to be right.

197395[/snapback]

Mick:

 

You story has been inspirational to me that I had to 'borrow' your advice and put it into my signature. What do you generally write as a 'writer'?

197521[/snapback]

Sorry it took me so long to respond to your question, but I have had a busy couple of weeks getting Li and Salina ready for their China trip.

 

I work full time for a small town newspaper and write about all kind of things, ranging from city council meetings, community happenings, features on interesting local people and, the most time consuming, sports.

 

I also write two columns per week for the paper, plus two other columns that are published in other papers in Alabama. One is a sports column about baseball and the other, entitled "Reflections" is usually a humorous column about whatever I want.

 

I have also published quite a few magazine articles over the years, but nothing of great import or impact. Most recently, I have been putting together material for several extended articles on the changing face of religion in America.

 

So, as you can see, I work on a lot of fronts. In order to make a living as a writer, unless you are very talented (I'm not), you have to be versatile, sort of a jack-of-all-trades.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

I have also published quite a few magazine articles over the years, but nothing of great import or impact. Most recently, I have been putting together material for several extended articles on the changing face of religion in America.

 

So, as you can see, I work on a lot of fronts. In order to make a living as a writer, unless you are very talented (I'm not), you have to be versatile, sort of a jack-of-all-trades. 

206762[/snapback]

As for talent Mick, I've always seen that your posts are well-composed. Perhaps you can point us to something you've done? Writing is a just-plain-tough field no matter how you slice it. There are a few fortunates that make a lot of money at it, but most of us..............sigh...

[izus]

The silence of a pouting wife is deafening!!

206637[/snapback]

your not kidding...

SOs silence is louder then anyone

[A Mafan]

We talk things out.

Even at midnight, with kids to take to daycare/school before 6:30am the next day, it's more than worth the extra hour to keep talking with her until we work it out.

The times I've let us say "see you tomorrow" without working it out have been the worst days of my life.

 

Listen, and talk. Give. Put her first. Be calm, stable, forgiving, and patient. Always have the courage to tell the truth, unshaded.

 

That's how we've worked, and we are getting closer all the time. I love her more each day, and I understand more every time we talk.