Humor in America

[Charlotte]

#1

A couple went to a marriage counselor. The wife complains: " My husband has not talked to me for 6 months." The counselor turned to the husband, "Is that true?" "Yep," said the man, "because I didn't want to interrupt her!"

 

#2

Men can talk for hours on one topic; women don't even need a topic.

 

#3

A man put up an ad to sell his Britannica Encyclopedia. The ad says: " Just married; wife knows everything!"

[owenkrout]

I may use some of your jokes in classes, Charlotte. They may help to stimulate interest and thought about why that is funny. None of my students are English language majors and none of them have ever had a foreign teacher before. Therefore the cultural issues such as humor are things that they have never had presented before. At least not realisticly. The newer textbooks attempt to inject humor, but honestly it is usually pretty lame and they attempt to address cultural issues but often bungle it badly, even giving totally wrong impressions.

[floyd]

Humor and the use of explicatives are the last parts of a language to master before fluency. In fact some feel that only a native speaker can every be completly fluent in these areas. I know at times when we were watching American TV, and I would laugh at something my wife would look at me very quizically.

 

BTW, since you menttion teaching classes in China I am sure you are already aware that the US government has a catalog full of materials they publish, available at low costs, and that are only available outside the USA, for teaching American English and culture.

 

For those that want to learn proper American pronunciation, a better choice then movies would be listening to VOA broadcasts.

 

Since this is a humor thread and not really a language thread I will resist the urge to go further off topic on other language issues.

[chinadave2001]

President Lyndon Johnson once said thast there were two secrets to a happy marriage:

1. Let your think she can do whatever she wants.

2. Let you your wife do whatever she wants.

Dave

[Charlotte]

Hey I got this from a friend of mine via email. Don't shoot me -- this is how American women feel here.... With all of you American men marrying Chinese girls, I think they should replace the first line: nice men are marrying Chinese wowen!!!

 

***********************************

Who understands men?

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

 

NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

[warpedbored]

Hey I got this from a friend of mine via email.  Don't shoot me -- this is how American women feel here.... With all of you American men marrying Chinese girls, I think they should replace the first line: nice men are marrying Chinese wowen!!! 

   

 

***********************************

Who understands men?

1.  The nice men are ugly.

2.  The handsome men are not nice.

3.  The handsome and nice men are gay.

4.  The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5.  The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6.  The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only their money.

7.  The handsome men without money are after our money.

8.  The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9.  The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10.  The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

 

NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

And american women wonder why american men are marrying foreign women in record numbers. I saw a documentry about this topic about a year ago and the # 1 reason the men are marrying foreign women. In the immortal words of Rodney Dangerfield are " I don't get no respect" They pretty much view us as human wallets and sperm donors.

[tonado]

Old Chinese Saying

 

 

A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"

 

The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."

[tonado]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

 

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't

need.

 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a

husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a

wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his

wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who finds such a man.

 

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot

and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and

not try to understand her at all.

 

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married

men are a lot more willing to die.

 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he

doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,

and she does.

 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a

man says after that is the beginning of a new

argument.

 

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING

MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me

in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to

them at funerals.