Charlotte

I have many people asking me this question - Chinese don't take B-day as seriously as Americans here. Here is the major celebrated B-day in a life time: 1. One month old 2. A hundred days 3. One year 4. 10 yrs 5. 20 yrs 6. 30 yrs 7. 50 yrs -- every 10 years, and so on. In most case, people like to celebrate on 9s' 49, 59, etc. for superstitious reasons. With one child family, Chinese do more B-days than usual for the children. But in my family, we would always have noodles on anyone's b-day every year -- very easy to do -- to symbolize long life

Dan, I don't give advice on any relationships, but you need to ask yourself these questions and if the answer is unfavorable, you need to have 2nd thought before pursuing any further. Your parents should be told eventually, but your own feelings about this relationship is the final call, not your parents because they don't have to live with her, you would. 1. How well you know her and much you love her -- are you willing to sacrifice all you have to get her love? 2. If $100 can't satisfy her now, can you come up with more and more frequently later? 3. Is the love mutual? 4. Doing whatever she asks for is very noble, but are you ABLE to keep this up for a lifetime with her? We all have faults and shortcomings. In any type of relationship, it is the comprimise portion that makes it interesting and fun. Do not expect your partner to change, either accept the fact and live with it for life, or just call it quit. If you think you love her enough to provide whatever she asks for, go for it. If this makes you uncomfortable already now, then don't dig yourself into a deeper hole, then you would really need a lot of help. I don't see why your parents shouldn't be told if you will need their help to send her more money.

Carl, sorry for the delay -- I have too many things going on now. To answer you question: Boyfriend does not need to give matchmaker anything while they are dating. If there becomes a marriage through this relationship, old Chinese tradition would say: the groom should give 18 pork hams (smaller than American hams) to the match-maker. Of course, modern time, no one wants that many pork schanks, so just some nice gifts (again check with your wife). Before the wedding, the boyfriend does not owe anything to the match-maker, of course, he can always give regardless.

Yes, you should!!! The minute you enter her family circle, you would address all her family members the way she would -- age becomes irrelevant! That is the Chinese way. But in my family, we allow my husband to address them by name -- for "foreign devils", we apply some leniency among siblings, but he is not allowed to address my parents by name.

Chinese has a saying: Bang Tou Di Xia Chu Xiao Zi! Literally translated as: Under beating rod, there comes a devoted son!!! Although it may sound extreme, my parents' generation believes in it. We all took some beatings when we grew up. But with one child family now, these kids are spoilded already. The way Chinese parents discipline their kids in China -- they would all end up in jail in the US. I had to ask my girl friend to tone down a little when she screamed at her girls at home with neighbors very close by.

Ladies! Is This True?" A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow he appropriate steps for your gender. MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Turn the radio down. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way up. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check make up in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check make-up again. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irrate male driver queuing behind. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 26. Release Parking Brake.

There is really no clear-cut rule as to who should pick up the tap. When you are dealing with her friends and relatives, your wife is really the only person you should listen to. Whether she let you pay for this group or that group, whether they are family or not, all depends on her perceptive and her relationship with them. Under most circumstances, the ones she feels you should pay for are the ones she feels she owes them some kind favor. While the ones she thinks they should pay for could be that she thinks they owe her that much. Chinese are very hospitable in treating guests -- in your case, it is even more so. True -- you should not pick up the tap just because you make more money than they do. They usually make it clear to your wife that it is their treat in honor of you -- soon to be families, or whatever. As to friends, things may be different -- maybe she does not want her friends to think that she married to a cheapskate, therefore, you should pick up the tap. Like my husband said: Always listen to your Lao Ban (Boss)!

Carl, I trully admire you and the others' effort in preparing for your better halves' arrival. I wish all of your good luck in your future relationship.

A Chinese laundrymat is called "HansSchmidt's Laundry Service" , but the owner is a Chinese. A customer was very puzzled over the name and asked him how in the world he got this name. He told him: " When I entered this country, I was standng behind a guy at the POE. The officer asked him, what's you name? "Hans Schimdt," he answered. When it was my turn, he asked me, what is your name?" I said "Sam Ting."

You got it! You guys are trying hard to understand the Chinese culture, but keep in mind Chinese are of very understanding people like the Americans I met here. It is good to know something about the Chinese culture, but no harm done if you don't! If they let their daughters marry foreigners, they are prepared to accept whatever you are!

I have never encountered the official translation for cousin in Chinese - since there are different terms for male cousin and female cousin. Let me give you some Chinese: Older brother = Ge Ge Younger Brother = Di Di Older sister = Jie Jie younger sister = Mei Mei Keep those terms in mind: depending on their age to your wife, if they are from her father's side, they could be Tang Mei, Jie, Ge, Di From her mother's side, they could be Biao Mei, Jie, Ge, Di. Here is the test: I have 3 Biao Meis, 2 Biao Dis and no Tang Ge or Di or Jie or Mei. Tell me which side of my parents are they coming from.

Calling Friends "brother and sisters" is quite a regional thing. I found it funny in Guang Zhou, one woman of my age calling me "big sister" when she wanted to ask me a question in front of the Consulate -- she is from a city in the North. Where I came from (Shanghai), we don't call friends Bs and Ss. We would address them by names. Very close friends address each other by their first name, otherwise last name with "Xiao" = Little, small or "Lao" = Old, elder-- (this is by no means the same as "OLD" here) Or sometimes the full name. If they have a professional title like teacher, doctor, we would address Teacher Li or Dr. Zhang. Addressing people with proper title is very important in China, esp when you are not close friends with them. Kids, ever since they learn to talk, are trained to be respectful and learn to address people properly whomever they run into -- this gives the first impression about a kid if he/she has proper manner/upbringing. All my Chinese friends here feel quite refreshing, when my daughter addressed them as "aunt" or "Uncle" and was introduced to them after her arrival. A few years down the road, this may wears off on her, but for th time being, I let her be. As to the family and relatives, yes, they all have different titles. My sister is only one year older than I am, but I have to address her "sister." Within family, some parents are more strict than the others about addressing among siblings -- I know people address by their first names. But in my family, we are not allowed to. Cousins depending on from which side of your parents are having different titles too The reason why you only hear "sister" or "brother" is because, there is no equivalent in English. We have different titles for uncles, aunts, nephews and nieces, grandma and grandpa --- all depends on which side of your parents they are from.

I agree with you, Clifford. Online courses are designed for people who have a busy fulltime job while wanting to elevating their education for better opportunities in their career path, most of which are paid by companies. For immigrants, American campuses really can serve as boot camps for your English language skills before you enter the workforce in America. College folks tend to be more understanding and forgiving; making mistakes is not as a serious matter as in the real world, since everyone is learning here. However, in the businesses, you are treated equal (we demand equality, don't we?) not as a student, therefore, the expectation is higher. You don't want to be discriminated against, your communication skill is one of keys to be successful in whatever job you have here. Whether you need a degree or not, I would recommend highly to sign up some courses on college campus to interact with other students and professors. Most free ESL classes here are set up for immigrants who abosultely speak/understand NO English -- they don't fit the majority Chinese immigrants here. Community colleges are just as good, and cost effective because most of them are state-funded.

All online courses are expensive --Univerisity of Phoenix is charging$420/credit hour for undergraduate courses. Graduate courses are more. I have not met anyone paying for them out of their own pocket. Most people signed up due to company tuition reimbursement program. It is not cost effective if you have to pay yourself. Besides we had a huge debate over their program in our company -- check with your employer before you sign up. That is an online university established for getting business pay for their employees. If money is an issue (according to your post), you should not consider online courses. Yes, you are right, you are better off to have an American degree to find an American job. I would try community college first or state univerisity. They are more recognized by the businesses than online (only) universities. Another way is to find a job at a decent company where they have tuition reimbursement as employee benefit. Don't worry about what kind of job you can get, as long as you are full time employee, you will be eligible for your free education from them. You can start as an hourly employee, and once you complete your program, you can bid for better jobs within the same company. I personally know a collegue starting as a production worker and 15 years later, an accounting manager. All the companies I have worked for have this program -- too bad, they are no good to me, but my collegues are signing up for all kinds of classes.

CASH -- the more, the merrier! Again, ask his fiancee -- what does her father like to have.

Mick, this is the advantage of having an American husband! It is important to understand what people are talking, good or bad when they get too slangy or like the hollywood movies, but need to be very careful about imitating -- very tricky. I would avoid slangs until I am 100% sure and feel comfortable using it. People do judge by appearance, like it or not. It is OK for Americans to say: "He don't know." But if I say it, they would think, I don't know English just because I look Chinese. We were taught double negative means positive, e.g. "He does not know anything, or he knows nothing." But how many of us have heard: "He don't know nothing" here in this country. If a Chinsese talks like that, they automatically assume he does not know English. An American talks like that, he is just less educated! Here is what I told my daughter: try to understand what they say, be very careful about what you follow.

Dear Cheapskate- xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx hahaha. I think they know we dont know.... Frank Frank is right -- they are more forgiving than you think. If you don't know, then you are not guilty of being cheapskate.

As to what and how much to give to your future in-laws, the best person to ask is your other half. Different regions have some different customs about what the future son-in-laws should bring on their first visit to their potential in-laws. Yes, whatever you do, they will understand that you don’t know – however, you do score some points with them if you could do it right the first time around --– so get the help from your other half and you will be fine. In general, the gift giving is quite different from Americans and Chinese. I remember years back when my American Mom sent me some Xmas gift, the postage cost more than the gift itself, I felt like “why didn’t she just send me the postage?” – at that time I was making $90/mon (1987). Today I am doing this myself, hahaha!!! If you want people in China to like what you send to them, cash is always welcome. In this country, people concentrate on gift of memorabilia or collectables, etc. But in China, they focus on practical stuff. If you don’t know what is practical to them, just offer some cash, which is why we still give our elders cash instead of gifts on Chinese New Year. However, if I do know what they really want, e.g. Ginseng, etc., then I would send to them. To elders, cash or gift-packed food is always appropriate. Stationary type of gift is best for your peers or youngsters.

Hey, I would like to ask you, Don, I thought you would at least keep an eye on your GRANDMA for us. Did you remember to pay respect to her on Chinese New Year as most grandchildren would do in China?

Dave, I am always impressed at how the Americans embrace their adoptive children as their own. Coming from China, where “blood is thicker than water” is overly emphasized; the people I met on candle and my husband never cease to amaze me in this area. I think you are doing great with the way you plan for your stepson. He is really lucky to have you as a dad. As we all know, there is no clear-cut way to raise a child in a bilingual environment. My personal preference is: if you look Chinese, you’d better be good at Chinese, otherwise, people in this country would regard you as “somewhat handicapped.” Like it or not, this is a reality. Americans are more forgiving and tolerant if you don’t speak good English. I believe that’s why so many Chinese parents are so painstakingly dragging their kids to Chinese school at weekends. Other than keeping the heritage in the family, it will also come in handy in 20-30 years when they are on their own in this competitive global economy. As there are more ABCs born in this country, they really sound funny when they try to speak Chinese (with American accent). They all found out one thing – Chinese is harder than English. I think now the parents are catching on now. It is very easy for the children to drop Chinese here; it would be more difficulty to pick up later. To finish this with a joke from Europe: (sorry, don’t mean to be American-bashing; since we are on the language topic): If one speaks 4 languages, he is a quatrolingual; If one speaks 3 languages, he is a trilingual; If one speaks 2 languages, he is a bilingual; If one speaks only 1 language, he is an American!

No doubt, she likes to chat with me, listen to me more than her own parents. I take advantage of my "aunt's authority" to help my brother parenting.

You are absolutely right, Tony. When you are bored with nothing to do in a strange environment, you will start to miss what you used to have. Nevertheless, a busy schedule is certainly a great way to keep your mind off any unpleasant state of mind. When I left China, my daughter was only 6 years old. It was the most difficulty decision I ever made to leave my daughter behind. Of course I missed her terribly. But I had a very clear vision for her future and mine. If I had stayed with her then, she would have to struggle on her own today like I had to 14 years ago. I knew I had to pave the road for her eventually to come to the states. My coming to this country is totally incidental (like a soap opera, I will write about it some day – have too many people ask me about this) – which is why I believe in “what it meant to be.” And my life/career path has proven it. Many Americans could not understand how I could leave my daughter at that age, but most Chinese can – here you go, the culture difference. In our Chinese culture, sacrifice for better future is taken for granted. I wanted to come to USA with my daughter, but did not know how. When an opportunity knocked on my door, I just took the chance…. As Tony said, I was too busy to be homesick, I had to work and went to school, worrying about making ends meet and paying for books and tuitions; that did not keep me from missing my daughter. I was in debt Xmas 1990. But my priority was to finish graduate school and have a decent job in order for me bring my daughter to the states. It took longer than I expected to bring my daughter here due to many reasons, however, as the saying goes: “All is all that ends well.” Today, although I can’t provide her the lifestyle like Paris Hilton’s, she is certainly able to enjoy a life like or better than many of her college friends here. To answer your question, Carl, I was very goal-oriented and worked towards that goal since the day I landed here. Meeting my husband made my life a little easier. But anyone (including my hubby) who knows me in China and here would expect me to survive well regardless, but I am glad I found him, who has been my mentor, best friend, lover, and husband ever since we met, and now he turned out to be a terrific step-dad to my daughter, thank God! Unlike the younger generation today, I was on my own ever since I was 17, working on rice patties and cotton fields (another topic), which made me very self-independent early on in my life (like most Americans here). Besides, the China I left in 1989 was a world of difference from the one today. Everything in America looked rosy to me, and on top of it, I ended up in TX (a small town of 100,000 people) first, people were so sweet and friendly, whether you knew them or not – it was a night-and-day difference from the city I came from – Shanghai. Therefore, being a strong-minded and self-independent person as I am, I seemed to slide right into the American life without many barriers. As to the biggest adjustment, it would have to be food! Being in a small town, it was harder. But over the years with my husband, I developed a taste for American and German food. My American Mom gave me a “Good housekeeping” cookbook as a wedding present and I am still using it today. My husband loves Chinese food and everything I cook for him, which is one main reason why we are still together, as a German saying goes: “Love goes through stomach.”

Feeling homesick happens to everyone, regardless how long you have been away from your hometown. Not all the girls will cry when they are homesick. (Like Brian said, getting a phne card is one way to help.) The help you can give is to show understanding, but at the same time, she is married to you and she can't be with her parents forever even if she does not come to America--- she is aware of that too. Building a new home/family with you is her priority once she marries you. It is tougher in a foreign land, but I believe one weighs the pros and cons before she/he makes the decision. Some men can't stand tears; they feel restless if a woman sheds a few tears, but please do not make a big deal out of it. A few tears of homesickness should not interfere with your relationship. Time does help in this respect. Show her your TLC as much as you can --- as long as she is happy with you, that all matters. What you do need to worry is the tears that have nothing to do with homesickness. In many ways, an interracial marriage is no different from the one between the same race -- we have to go through the same phases of a relationship like all others.

Hi Patrick, Thank you for your kind encouragement! Since you mention the yahoo group, we only have a group set up. There is not much going on there right now. I really need to have time to think what we really want to do. Let me discuss it with Enight -- it was under her request I set it up. Thank you for your interest. Your willingness and effort on your part will certainly pay off in your future life with your better half. But for the time being, you may want to stay on this board where I post most.

Now there's a great idea. Thanks, guys for your kind words. I am like all their Chinese who happen to love this country while maintaining close ties and strong beliefs in my own heritage. My marriage is a few years ahead of you -- so if anything I can help I will answer to the best of my knowledge. PM or email will work fine too. If I think your question is relavant to others on board, I will post on board for you without revealing the source. I don't know all the right answers, but I will certain share my views and thoughts on anything that concerns you. Let us help each other, one another!