The D word¡K.

[Dennis143]

I know that I have read comments before about this subject, but cannot find them.

 

It seems that I cannot, nor should not, ever mention death to LeiQin. We often tell each other how much we love each other, throughout our day. She will often sit on my lap and ask me ¡§You love me?¡¨ and I'd often answer ¡§I love you forever. I will love you until the day I die.¡¨ Oh, oh, not good. She will place her hand over my mouth and tell me ¡§No say. Not like.¡¨ She will often tear up, just at the mere mention of my death. I¡¦ve learned not to say this.

 

At first, I tried to rationalize with her about this. I said, ¡§Darling, we both will grow old someday and everyone must die sometime.¡¨ She would hear nothing of it. It was as if I was laying a curse, by even mentioning it. I don¡¦t know if it¡¦s a Chinese superstition or if it¡¦s from the sudden loss of her first American husband or maybe a combination. What most of us see as practical and pragmatic in preparing for death, Chinese seem to avoid any mention of the subject. As Christians, I try to remove any superstitions by telling her that Jesus brought us together and he will continue to keep us safe and that she does not need to worry. This does seem to calm her and stop her crying.

 

I am getting everything set up for her for when I leave this earth, someday. I want her to be taken care of forever. It just pains me to think of her having to go through the hardship she endured from the loss of her first American husband. So, I have changed her to my beneficiary and I am making a will. Early on, I tried to explain to her that I have been preparing for her care, if I should die, so that she¡¦ll never have to worry again and never have to experience what she went through. Not good. It only made her cry.

 

So, there doesn¡¦t seem to be a way for me to explain these matters to her. I am setting up my will so that the executor will have instructions on how to explain these things to her.

 

Now that I know this is taboo and she will cry at the thought of loosing me, I will never mention the D word to her again.

Edited January 11, 2006 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[ameriken]

I know that I have read comments before about this subject, but cannot seem to remember nor find them.  So, I¡¦m asking this again.

 

It seems that I cannot, nor should not, ever mention death to LeiQin.  We often tell each other how much we love each other, throughout our day.  She will often sit on my lap and ask me ¡§You love me?¡¨ and I¡¦ll often answer ¡§I love you forever.  I love will love you until the day I die.¡¨  Oh, oh, not good.  She will place her hand over my mouth and tell me ¡§No say.  Not like.¡¨  She will often tear up, just at the mere mention of my death.  I¡¦ve learned not to say this.  At first, I tried to rationalize with her about this.  I said, ¡§Darling, we both will grow old someday and everyone must die sometime.¡¨  She would hear nothing of it.  It was as if I was laying a curse, by even mentioning it.  I don¡¦t know if it¡¦s a Chinese superstition or if it¡¦s from the sudden loss of her first American or maybe a combination.  What most of us see as practical and pragmatic in preparing for death, Chinese seem to avoid any mention of the subject.  As Christians, I try to remove any superstitions by telling her that Jesus brought us together and he will continue to keep us safe.  And, that she does not need to worry.  This does seem to calm her.

 

I am getting everything set up for her for when I leave this earth, someday.  I want her to be taken care of forever.  It just pains me to ever think of her having to go through the hardship she endured from the loss of her first American husband.  So, I have changed her to my beneficiary and I am making a will.  Early on, I tried to explain to her that I have been preparing for her care, if I should die, so that she¡¦ll never have to worry again and never have to experience what she went through.  Not good.  It only made her cry. 

 

So, there doesn¡¦t seem to be a way for me to explain these matters to her.  I am setting up my will so that the executor will have instructions on how to explain these things to her.

 

Now that I know this is taboo and she will cry at the thought of loosing me, I will never mention the D word to her again.

181415[/snapback]

Dennis, professionally, I am in the life insurance industry, and am quite familiar with working with estate planning, wills, etc, and I tell you, that what you are doing is quite honorable, and is more than most men do for their wives and families.

Personally, I read your post with my SO, and got the same reaction.

 

I agree, for us men, it is a subject perhaps we must prepare for to take care of our wives, but do not necessarily need to discuss often, if at all.

 

I congratulate you for your choices and decisions ! Now, let me go, my own SO has a few tears I need to tend to............

[Dennis143]

I hope they are tears of joy, Ken...

Edited January 11, 2006 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[ameriken]

I hope they are tears of joy, Ken...

181428[/snapback]

Since we read your post together, they were the same tears your LeiQin had. The tears are past now, and it is a subject that will rarely, if ever, be discussed.

[jbray]

My wife has the same reaction. There are practical matters to talk about (Will, life insurance, etc) and she does not want to talk about them. I am not allowed to say the "D" word. I thought it was because of her father death, 3 years ago, but I am not sure.

 

Can anyone shed any light on this cultural difference? Is it a religious thing?

[wpc76180]

My wife has the same reaction. There are practical matters to talk about (Will, life insurance, etc) and she does not want to talk about them. I am not allowed to say the "D" word. I thought it was because of her father death, 3 years ago, but I am not sure.

 

Can anyone shed any light on this cultural difference? Is it a religious thing?

181450[/snapback]

It's probably because your SO's came from 6,000 miles away and

now you're talking about dying and leaving them alone.

[Guest pushbrk]

I hope they are tears of joy, Ken... :toot:

181428[/snapback]

Since we read your post together, they were the same tears your LeiQin had. The tears are past now, and it is a subject that will rarely, if ever, be discussed.

181441[/snapback]

I remember distinctly that the English words in our Chinese marriage ceremony were not "until death do you part". Instead were pronounced man and wife "until your life".

[frank1538]

Jingwen does not talk about death and dying - usually any comment I make about insurance, illness, etc. results in her doing a quick "spit" to the floor. It is not a discussable subject for her, stemming from her superstition that talking about death is bad luck. She will talk about others who have already died but really avoids talking about death and dying if someone is still alive.

[david_dawei]

Dennis... read this thread again.. I gave a little philosophical background to it... They don't separate feelings and thinking from the environment around them; thought has as much influence on outcomes as action does... Also, I believe they prefer to 'not think' too much and prefer to allow nature take it's course.. but don't encourage nature too much with your thought !

 

Your better off skipping that "D" phase and talking of being together forever.. next life and all..

 

My wife only talks up to the point of "old and gray".. and then the next life...

 

 

for philosophical reasons that put them as connected to the universe, rather than the western religious view where everyone is subservient to something else above.

 

Taking chinese philosophy for example, their framework is one of 'mutual interdependence' ...  They associate things are interrelated and not as separate issues; They tend to believe life is a process and not distinct substances.

 

For example;  thinking and feeling for them is located in the heart , whereas we put this in two places. Also the idea that to think and act is really two sides of the same coin for them... 

 

Since [their framework] has their own human nature as connected to nature, they feel that even their thought is to have action on the enviroment.  That's why there have been reports on this board of a chinese SO getting upset at the mere suggestion of something negative; to them, to state it is to make it happen. 

180087[/snapback]

[Joanne]

It seems I am the only bad Chinese woman here.

 

Last night when my hubby cames to sleep at 2am after finish his reading, (he is in law school, first year, in case you don't remember) I commented to him: if you keep doing this, you are going to be dead before you finish law school (or something to this effect, I don't remember the exact words). He replied, half jokingly, "Are you going to kill me?"

 

He told me, he has average 4hours of sleep each day during the past 4 months. This really worries me! Does that mean, with us being here, allowing half an hour longer on the road, and half an hour minimum for playing with our daughter and talking to me, he is left with only 3 hours per day to sleep?

[chef4u]

It seems I am the only bad Chinese woman here. 

 

Last night when my hubby cames to sleep at 2am after finish his reading, (he is in law school, first year, in case you don't remember) I commented to him: if you keep doing this, you are going to be dead before you finish law school (or something to this effect, I don't remember the exact words).  He replied, half jokingly, "Are you going to kill me?"

 

He told me, he has average 4hours of sleep each day during the past 4 months.  This really worries me! Does that mean, with us being here, allowing half an hour longer on the road, and half an hour minimum for playing with our daughter and talking to me, he is left with only 3 hours per day to sleep?

181513[/snapback]

OK Joanne....I do not know if you ever heard of this saying about law school.

 

First year of law school....they, (the law school) will scare the student to the other D word

Second year of law school.....they will work you to the other D word

Third year of law school.....they will bore you to to the other D word

 

So do not worry your comment to your husband as the above statements are view in humor...not serious. Therefore, you are a good Chinese wife

 

(maybe I should of stayed in law school...hehe)

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

OK Joanne....I do not know if you ever heard of this saying about law school.

 

First year of law school....they, (the law school) will scare the student to the other D word

Second year of law school.....they will work you to the other D word

Third year of law school.....they will bore you to to the other D word

181517[/snapback]

 

I need a lawyer to decipher which d-word you're talking about....

 

[chef4u]

OK Joanne....I do not know if you ever heard of this saying about law school.

 

First year of law school....they, (the law school) will scare the student to the other D word

Second year of law school.....they will work you to the other D word

Third year of law school.....they will bore you to to the other D word

181517[/snapback]

 

I need a lawyer to decipher which d-word you're talking about....

 

181523[/snapback]

ahh...the beauty of the law.

[chef4u]

OK Joanne....I do not know if you ever heard of this saying about law school.

 

First year of law school....they, (the law school) will scare the student to the other D word

Second year of law school.....they will work you to the other D word

Third year of law school.....they will bore you to to the other D word

181517[/snapback]

 

I need a lawyer to decipher which d-word you're talking about....

 

181523[/snapback]

ahh...the beauty of the law.

181525[/snapback]

However, in this case the other D word was my silly attempt at not spelling out the actual word that Dennis is speaking about in this thread.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

ahh...the beauty of the law.

 

However, in this case the other D word was my silly attempt at not spelling out the actual word that Dennis is speaking about in this thread.

 

If the aforementioned d-word pertains to a case previously argued and the results were posted, but in a place that is hard to find, does the situation that was mentioned before the time of the aforementioned apply to the situation?

Edited January 11, 2006 by ShaQuaNew (see edit history)