Questions from a Newbie

[Rakkasan]

I have a couple of questions which have probably been addressed previously, but I was unable to locate a thread and as a newbie thought I ask.

 

First.... What is the deal with the mop? I see all kinds of references to the mop and the mop closet. Woul someone explain what appears to be an inside joke? Thanks

 

The second question is actually more a question with a subgroup of questions and is about a bit more delicate subject. I will try to present this in a way so as to not offend or come across as trying to carve notches in a bed post.

 

My question has to do with sexual conduct behind closed doors. With the vast cultural and moral differences between East/West is the behind closed door experience different? Are things that are culturally and morally acceptable in the West taboo when with Asian ladies? I ask this because I am planning my first trip to China for early next year and, with existing language problems, I do not want to do anything that may cause problems in a budding relationship. I plead ignorance in this area and would appreciate any legitimate help in preparing and understanding what is acceptableand what is not.

 

For example: Is it taboo for her to come to my hotel room to visit or even spend the night? Some cultures would view a single lady visiting a mans hotel room as grounds for her having to wear a "Scarlet Letter". is this the case in China? Should I only meet her in the lobby of the hotel room?

 

My SO has explained to me that it is now acceptable to hold hands in public and that kissing on the cheek in acceptable in public. In private is french kissing? Oral sex? As I said at the beginning I am not trying to carve notches in a bed post, but rather trying to understand and not offend or make any missteps.

 

Thanks for you respones

[Dennis143]

Rakkasan, I am certain that we'll soon find this post in the Padded Cell.

 

As far as your question re the Mop, I believe that should best be answered by our resident Mop expert, Trigg.

 

As far as your other questions, I believe that I can offer you some of my own personal experiences.

 

First, let me say that women are women. They are the same, yet different no matter what their nationality is. However, it does seem that Chinese women from different areas of China may have different levels of modesty.

 

I would suggest that you do not initiate ANY public displays of affection at all. Only allow your woman to be the initiater. She will show you her affection, based on her level of comfort. You will show her respect, by not being to aggressive nor forward in outward public displays of your love.

 

Re the bedroom, this is a matter between your woman and you only. And, nobody can advise you on how that will play out. Just as women in American may not partake in all forms of sexual activity, it is an individual trait. And, the best intimacy requires your partner to feel safe and to feel loved by you.

[Rakkasan]

Rakkasan, I am certain that we'll soon find this post in the Padded Cell. 

 

As far as your question re the Mop, I believe that should best be answered by our resident Mop expert, Trigg.

 

As far as your other questions, I believe that I can offer you some of my own personal experiences. 

 

First, let me say that women are women.  They are the same, yet different no matter what their nationality is.  However, it does seem that Chinese women from different areas of China may have different levels of modesty. 

 

I would suggest that you do not initiate ANY public displays of affection at all.  Only allow your woman to be the initiater.  She will show you her affection, based on her level of comfort.  You will show her respect, by not being to aggressive nor forward in outward public displays of your love.

 

Re the bedroom, this is a matter between your woman and you only.  And, nobody can advise you on how that will play out.  Just as women in American may not partake in all forms of sexual activity, it is an individual trait.  And, the best intimacy requires your partner to feel safe and to feel loved by you.

173284[/snapback]

OK, now I have to ask what is the padded cell. Other than where i should have been put for deciding to marry my EX. LOL

 

Thank you for your input.

 

The Rak

[Dennis143]

You will notice there are different forums to post different topics, here at CFL. The Padded Cell, or PC, is a forum where one can post off-topic subjects.

 

Although you question is a cultural one, often questions as yours are moved to a forum (the PC) where discussions tend to be more uninhibited.

[Trigg]

Welcome to our nightmare naive newbie, I think your gonna like it!! As gor the dreaded mop. You'll see soon enough!! Buwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! As for your other question, you'll see soon enough but I doubt you will be dissapointed. And, as for the padded cell---well not yet but my guess some of the answers you get to Q#2 may make the PC this threads ultimate destination!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

PS have you purchased your copy of the coveted Triggtioanary yet?????

[warpedbored]

Welcome new guy. While you are learning your way around here make sure to do a search on cheetos. You will want to stock up on this official junk food of CFL while you wait for the visa.

 

On the serious side, just like any woman she will give you the signals of what she likes or don't like. In General you will find Chinese women more modest than their american counter parts. Behind closed doors however they every bit as if not more passionate. As Trigg stated I doubt you will be dissappointed.

[mercator]

On the hotel thing... Some hotels in China will not let the woman go upstairs with you in the evening, without a marriage document. We experienced this mainly at the Chinese hotels, rather than the american-based hotels.

 

Luckily my organized lao po always had hers along all the time.

[frank1538]

Welcome to CFL. The mop thing - some of the Chinese women are quite adept at using a mop - to clean the floors, the rug, and sometime your clock. It's probably a bit exaggerated, but the cost of mops is something that most of us men have never had to budget before until now. Dennis is right about public displays of affection. Other than hand holding, you generally don't see that much in China. It's probably best to defer to you lady friend on what's acceptable in her part of the country, but don't take a lack of public affection as a rejection. Just recognize that outward displays are not that common.

 

The "closed door" thing is mostly a personal choice. Others are right about unmarried couples, especially East-West couples staying in the same hotel room. It's technically not allowed, but enforcement takes one of three forms. It's ignored, it's strictly enforced. Or, it's enforced solely for the purpose of extracting money from the man. When Jingwen and I took our first trip together, she was insistent on having separate hotel rooms. The extra cost was nominal, but the appearance was unsuspecting. As far as what happens behind those closed doors, all I can say is that that's between you and your lady friend, but I doubt if you'll find significant differences.

[philb]

new guy:

Welcome to CFL. I think that you are early in the process and focus should be on cheetos with the mop coming later. In fact, forget the mop for now and tell Trigg how much you enjoy living without a mop!

 

As for the intimacy: Check the triggictionary for the word TRADITIONAL. The old timers (above)(LOL), are all correct...let her lead...remember you are in her country; in her home town; in front of her friends and family....while you're spinning through Trigg's little masterpiece; look up "FACE". as in saving face vs loosing face. You'll find in general, that the many stares become a smile with a simple hello. The ole smile is one of many international communicators that you will learn. Discussions with her parents about your long term intentions won't hurt you either.

 

If you go over as a gentleman and don't set your sights too high; you may be pleasantly surprised. Try courting her and spending some time together....as my Mother once asked me, "what are you going to do with her the other 23 hours and 55 minutes?"...in the Triggbook it's called a RELATIONSHIP.

 

It can be truly magical,

 

Phil

[chef4u]

New Guy,

 

I also, would like to extend a BIG welcome to candle. Funny, the first post that I made was, (if I can remember), the same question on Mop Slapping and Cheetos. Wow, I got the initiation to mop slapping very quickly. However, I was still smiling. Did not know it even happen, (my SO is a very good mop slapper). Anyway, as mentioned above, please research cheetos and if you need any recipes for them, please let me know. If you make one up, and you truly enjoyed it...please post it. Finally, you may want to research the "blue thingys", Randy W. can share more details on this subject.

 

Seriously, it is heart warming to see a true gentleman who is doing their research prior to a trip to another country with a different culture than ours. All to often I hear or read about western men going to China and doing all the wrong things. Then coming back and bad mouthing what truly is beautiful people, culture and country. As mentioned, above behind the scenes is truly the best advice. Sit back relax and enjoy your new life journey together!!

[C4Racer]

New Guy,

 

Welcome to CFL. As Chef4u says, a little research goes a long way. The Chinese are truely wonderful warm friendly people. It is very important though to understand their culture and act in an appropriate manner.

 

As for public acts of affection. These are best forgotten. Their culture sees these acts reserved for scarlet women and their johns. The younger generation is slowly deviating from certain ways of their elders (like all cultures do), but public acts of affection still have a certain tabboo. It is not because of how the woman will feel or be viewed by others if she is seen making out with a man in public. It has to do with FACE, specifically face of the family. This is a very important to understand, she will not do anything that will lose face for her family, not should a man place her in this type of situation. She will always select the choice that keeps face for her family. Face is very important in China.

 

Now, about the hotel room. This depends on your level of the relationship. Once you have decided to become engaged, she will most likely stay with you, but then you will also be introduced to others as Zhang Fu (husband), Lao Gong or what other term of affection is appropriate for her area.

 

What city is she from? Only curious, because those of us who have been to China will be able to tell you some must see places during your visit. You are in for an incredible experience. Enjoy the food as it is the best food I have ever experienced. It is up to you if you decide to ask what it is you are eating....

 

Again, welcome to CFL.......

[tmkeith]

The first time I met Wei, I had a few tips from the woman who had "introduced" us. First was to ASK PERMISSION FOR ANYTHING. Starting with asking to hold her hand. You can't go wrong. Just remember, depending on what you ask for, you may hafta take "NO" for an answer. After asking the first time or two, you'll get a feel for your limits.

 

Best of luck!

Edited December 3, 2005 by tmkeith (see edit history)

[drive_75]

Everyone have good suggestions here. I might add that if she is younger like early twenties, she is more likely to show public affection. If she is in her late twenties, she is less likely to kiss you on the side of the street.

 

Above all you should have no expectation. Expectaction always lead to dissapointment. Just go there with an open eye and open heart. Plan some out of town trip with her being your guide. Have her show you around town and just try to get to know each other.

[cosmiclobster]

Hi and welcome to CFL.

As for the open displays of affection, I have noticed that in a big city like Shanghai it is not a problem. Your girl friend might feel comfortable holding hands or walking arm in arm. Going to a much smaller rural town, the standards are much different as everyone knows everyone else and public displays of affection could be taboo.

 

As for behind closed doors, you need to know her a little better than a first date. In your correspondence with her, has she ever mentioned a previous relationship with another man? Was she ever engaged? If not, she might likely be saving her cherry for marriage!

 

A very big generalization is that Chinese women see American men as very sexually active while Chinese women save themselves for the man they are to marry.

 

As for your own personal situation, you'll have to play it by ear and try to read the signs. If she sees you as a sincere marriage minded man, and you are, then you may get yourself a treasure!!!!!

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. Dont worry about the mop. One of our members needs a good mop slap to the head occasionally to be reminded of who is the boss is in his (oops HER) relationship!!! (Sorry Trigg!!!)

[jim_julian]

Rakkasan ... I'll bet you probably have some PMs (private messages) on this topic. Be sure you know how that function works