Is it your responsibility to take care of

[Chinabird]

On 001 forum, a Chinese woman said she has never asked for money from her American husband,and her husband has never sent her a penny,even when her husband visisted her in China she paid everything for her husband, when she needed to buy something,her husband always said she didn't need anything.And now she has financial problem, she told her husband about it,her husband refused to talk about it and refused to give money, her husband always says I love you to her,but now she is confused: where is the love?

Earlier I read a post here on candle for love.It was about a husband getting really upset by his wife asking for more money. Because she sometimes gets together with sisters from 001 and they compare how much money they get from their husband. And she said her husband gave her only 150USD each month and other wives got more. This wife asking for more money is not surprising for me, what surprised me is so many American husbands here said they saw a big red flag and even accused his wife of asking for money,and asked this guy to be careful with his wife, and said his wife only cared about money and some even said :dump her.

God!!For me,a wife asking for money from a husband is normal,there is nothing wrong with it,I DIDNOT see a red flag. It is not good to compare your husband with others' ,your husband should always be the best for you. BUT,what is wrong for a husband to support the wife financially especially when the wife doesn't work?? It's not your responsibility to support a woman financially if you are not married with her,but once you are married with her,she is your wife and your responsibility for a lifetime.

I am surprised so many American husbands think the same way about money. I know some of you guys here send money to your wife each month. From you guys' replies to the complaining husband,it seems to me you guys think a wife should not ask for money from a husband, a husband should not take care of the wife financially? Did I get you wrong? Maybe there is cultural difference in it? We hear in USA,even husband and wife go dutch,is it true? Because in USA,everybody has to be independent. In China it is not acceptable that husband and wife go dutch.

My husband is American too,but he is more Chinese than Chinese. He always says it is his responsibility to take care of me, he doesn't allow me to work,he says he will take good care of me forever,and he says I should not worry about life, he wants me to enjoy life,no matter what I need to buy, he will buy for me even it is expensive. He wants me to depend my whole life on him, and he devotes his whole life to me.To be honest,he gives me at least 500USD every month, and when I need to buy something expensive, he will even give more. He always gives me money without me asking.

I didn't see anything wrong with a wife asking for money. You guys think if a wife asks for money then she is not a good wife. I think husband and wife should share everything in life, your money is not your wife's money?? the money you work hard for is not for giving a good life to your wife? My husband says I am the reason for him to work hard. A husband and wife should share all the ups and downs ,all the good things and bad things.I am sure when you are in trouble,your wife is the first to reach out her hand for you. When you have financial problem, your wife will give her money to help you without hesitation. You take care of your wife,your wife takes care of you,it is mutual.

As for the complaining wife on 001,How can a husband allow his wife to pay for him all the time when he come visit? Did he marry a woman to support him financially?And when his wife is in trouble he doesn't want to support her? Where is the love? Love is not only saying I love you everyday, LOVE is action.

[Chinabird]

Maybe you guys here can explain to me isn't it your responsibility to take care of your wife? Maybe I don't know much about American culture, maybe in your culture wife should not ask for money from husband. You guys are Americans,being Americans how do you think about giving money to your wife? And please explain why you see a red flag when a wife asks for money, she should not ask for money and should just take care of you,and you dont need to take care of her?I think giving money to your wife is taking care of her.What is wrong with a wife asking for money?Because in China,it is soooo normal.

[m-coon]

Hello,

 

I agree with everything you said! However, I am quite sure I am not typical. I think some men here have a vision of what a typical traditional Chinese woman is - and it is not typical for a traditional Chinese woman to ask for money - even if married (as I understand it).

 

This is where the "red flag" comes in! I think most men (whether they admit it or not) are a bit paranoid. Perhaps they are "looking" for reasons to doubt or worry? And I have had some doubts myself - But ONLY TIME will cure this problem!!! I have known my wife almost 2 years - and I no longer let such matters worry me. I trust her motives and actions now. Although, the culture differences do create issues at times.

 

I do, however, think it is totally wrong to send $500 a month to a wife - even if you have the money! $100 to $150 should be more than enough for a Chinese woman to live very comfortable in china. I think equal sharing is the best way to look at this - and I am not going to send more money to my wife than I spend here on myself.

 

If she doeswn't want to work - she better be using the time to study english - or something like that - that will be an asset to the two of us at a later time.

 

And my last point - There are definately some men out there (whether Chinese or American) that are just "flat out" bad husbands!!! When a woman discovers this - she should divorce the man immediately - and not waste any time on a relationship that is sure to doom in time! There are many more fish in the sea. She may feel comfortable knowing she has a husband - but a bad husband is worse than no husband at all! It may take years or even a lifetime to find another husband but it is definately wrong to stay in such a bad marriage. This guy sounds pretty bad and screwed up!!!

 

Scott

[tywy_99]

Chinabird,

 

Thank you for your post. It is a post that well deserves to be answered and to help answer your question, there is nothing wrong in giving money to a wife or fiancee as long as she is asking for it in earnest but both the man and the woman have to work at their relationship if they both want it to work and I think either one can feel or tell if and when the relationship or marriage is not working. Then asking for money sends up a redflag. I think basically, that post you mentioned, is what you saw. There is some cultural differences, I'm sure, and that can interfere a little. But some of it is from men who have had bad experiences with prior marriages, and divorce, that makes some a bit defensive and rightfully so, in some cases, in many cases.

 

This I post just barely touches the subject but it is a part of it. There are just too many reasons to why people do and act the way they do but I think I have already answered your question the best I know how.

 

It takes ALL kinds to make the world go around...

[IluvmyLi]

Nothing at all wrong with asking for money from your husband if you need it. If the husband refuses to help his wife, then I would consider that a so called "red flag".

 

My fiance works and I send her money when she needs it for more expensive things.

 

Also I have never heard of husband and wife going dutch. That makes no sence to me. Of course this is just my personal opinion.

[Chinabird]

Hello,

 

I agree with everything you said! However, I am quite sure I am not typical. I think some men here have a vision of what a typical traditional Chinese woman is - and it is not typical for a traditional Chinese woman to ask for money - even if married (as I understand it).

 

Sorry,what kind of woman is a typical traditional woman?So do you mean a traditional woman should not ask for money,a woman who asks for money from the husband is not traditional?hmmm, I don't think you can judge if a woman is traditional or not by that criteria.I think a TRADITIONAL Chinese woman can ask for money from her husband.Well,because she is traditional,so her husband asked her to quit her job,she did, so of course her husband has to send her money.A non-traditional modern Chinese woman will not listen to her husband so much when her husband asked her to quit.Because non-traditional Chinese woman always has her own opinion and wants to be active in the society. And non-traditional Chinese woman can accept western thoughts and lifestyle so easily ,so they will be as independent as western woman,and they are financially independent.A TRADITIONAL Chinese woman might stay home and do housework and take care of the kids and when her husband comes home from work,the dinner is already prepared,but she still asks for money. Because it is her husband's responsibility. Her duty is to provide a good environment/a good home for her husband and take care of her husband,and her husband gives her money to take care of her,that is mutual.In many Chinese men thought,that is what we called traditional Chinese women.

[Chinabird]

 

 

I do, however, think it is totally wrong to send $500 a month to a wife - even if you have the money! $100 to $150 should be more than enough for a Chinese woman to live very comfortable in china.

150USD a month might be enough if your wife still works and if she lives in the village,but if your wife doesn't work and she lives in Shanghai or Shenzhen,150USD is not enough. I hope guys here don't think that we are after your money,it is not like that,if you are very loving,very caring,very understanding,very loyal and honest, we still love you so much even you are as poor as a beggar! But if you are a good husband,don't you want to provide a good life to your wife? Don't you want her to live a comfortable life if you can afford it??You guys don't trust your wives enough,that is why you guys think you should be very strict about money to your wife.Even you give 1000USD to your wife each month,do you think she will save all the money for herself? I think your wife will give all the money to you when you need it. Because your money is also her money,and the money she saves can go to you anytime you need it.

[LeeFisher3]

Chinabird,

 

Unfortunately, some of the relationships are not based on love or even honest. In America and China both, there are those who would seek to take advantage of a fragile heart for the gain of money.

 

With a long distance relationship it can be difficult to tell the difference when someone asks for money because of the stories of money being sent for a family member surgery, an extremely large amount being required to get notarized papers and the list goes on.

 

I am sure the number of true relationships where money is provided to help is completely honest and helps to provide for true needs of the one we love. It is only the stories of the bad situations that come to the front and make this such a concern.

 

I can only speak from my experience on this, when I first asked if I might travel to China to meet her for the first time, she suggested that she secure a house for me to live during my stay because of the cost. I offered to send money to pay this expense so I would not be a burden on her and she refused. I asked this 3 times and was refused 3 times, for some this will have much significance.

 

When I was in China she would not allow me to spend my money and this was OK, but during my stay I knew how much she was spending. One day I put 1000 rmb in her wallet as she was spending much more than I would have expected. I did this in secret and she did not say anything. Before I left I did this again but with a different reaction, she counted out the exact amount that I put in her wallet and insisted on not taking it. This said so very much to me about our relationship and her intentions.

 

We had exchanged marriage vows and rings, in our hearts we were husband and wife, only waiting for the process to allow us to be together to have a legal marriage ceremony. I insisted she keep the money 3 times and she refused 2 times. The last time I stated that a wife should listen to her husband and allow him to help provide for his wife.

 

If my wife had asked for me to help provide for her and her son, I would have cheerfully done this, but she never asked. At times she worked extra to prepare for the time when we would be together again.

 

Her son remains behind at the moment and I knew we had an obligation to provide for him, he lives with her parents who would sacrifice much for their grandson. Before we left to come to the US I gave our son an envelope of money to be used for his care and grandmother smiled and then told him to bring it to her. I wished for her to know my heart and to understand I understood our family obligation.

 

Once here my wife insisted she find a job and I told her it was more important that she spend time improving her English. Finally with the help of a Chinese friend I was able to discover her concern, which was to provide for our son. She did not wish to burden me with this as he was not my true son. With the help of our friend she told me of the cost related to providing for our son and my only response was the amount was not enough and I was sure there were other needs and I did not wish for us to burden our family. A few days later we went to western union and sent money. We will do this each month and hope that we are able to finish his visa before summer.

 

For some who are looking for red flags, perhaps you need to look a bit deeper. In the area of the country where my wife lived 12,000 RMB is a year's income or more, this is about $1,500 US. When you visited China did your SO spend 4 - 5,000 RMB to provide for your needs? Where did she come up with that much money? Why would she not allow you to spend money?

 

There are some cultural issues at work here, one being causing her to loose face or be considered a bought woman if a foreigner is seen to pay for anything. While this may be strange for Americans to accept you must remember that after you leave to come back to the US, she must live in this community and her reputation is everything.

 

Now if I had been asked for 10,000 RMB to provide for the first trip to China it might have caused me extreme concern. If I had been asked to provide 10,000 RMB the next month, it would have caused me concern.

 

My wife has again raised the issue of working and we had a frank discussion about the process and that we must wait for a work card, the work she wishes to do requires a license test and she does not completely understand. She only sees me spending money and is concerned that she has become a burden.

 

The differences in culture play a large role in money concerns, to flippantly say the need for money is a red flag is absurd and wrong.

 

In some cases the husband and wife have discussed practical matters and decided together that she will attend English classes full time while waiting for the visa, her support then becomes a family matter between them and is not a red flag. Now if she were to continue to work, not take classes to improve her English this would be a red flag.

 

The idea of a red flag depends on context and the people involved. We should not be too quick to judge others based on the limited information available.

 

Perhaps the next time someone mentions needing to send their SO money, instead of concluding that fraud is the motivation we should ask the circumstances.

[Jeikun]

The issue isn't sending money. Of course someone should support his wife. The issue is sending money to send money. In the post you mention the guy is doing what he can to save money, and doesn't have but so much. He sends his wife what he can. But after talking to friends who get more, she gets jealous and wants more too. THAT is the issue. It's like the little kid who begs for the new toy because his friend has one. A husband and wife should be partners, he should give what he can and what she NEEDS - and she shouldn't badger him to give more than that.

 

As for the girl you mention on 001 - I agree, her husband sounds like a pretty irresponsible person.

 

I think one issue here is - and please don't be insulted - your English is not 100% (but it's very good) many people here post long wordy posts, and you missed some of the subtleties of what they were saying. No one thinks a husband should not support his wife at all. Some may disagree on how much, but that's more personal than cultural.

 

Many Americans hear "If you don't pay me more, you don't love me" and THAT is a red flag.

[Randy W]

I think that it is normal for the American SO to worry - contact with the SO in China is limited to anywhere from one (or less) emails per day to 2 hours or more (telephone or IM). The rest of the time, you will hear stories from other people, often bad stories that are depressing, to say the least. These stories often indicate that there was no warning, no sign, no hint of what was to come, "It could happen to you"-type stories.

 

The tendency in these stories is to look back to see what "red flags" were ignored by the American. It is very easy to see a "red flag" in a failed relationship - not so easy to say what is a red flag, and what is normal in a more normal (healthy) relationship.

 

So, too often, we look for "guidelines" as to what is a "red flag", when what we should have done in the first place is to look for an SO that we can have 100% faith in.

Edited November 27, 2005 by Randy W (see edit history)

[tywy_99]

Also I have never heard of husband and wife going dutch.  That makes no sence to me.  Of course this is just my personal opinion.

171932[/snapback]

Going Dutch is a slang term that means that each person eating at a restaurant or paying admission for entertainment pays for himself or herself, rather than one person paying for everyone. It is also called Dutch date or Dutch treat.

 

Is that what you meant by the slang term, Chinabird?

[Chinabird]

Yes,does it exist in USA?

[Randy W]

Yes,does it exist in USA?

171953[/snapback]

 

 

There are husbands and wifes who keep separate funds, and sometimes pay like that.

[Joanne]

I do, however, think it is totally wrong to send $500 a month to a wife - even if you have the money! $100 to $150 should be more than enough for a Chinese woman  to live very comfortable in china.

150USD a month might be enough if your wife still works and if she lives in the village,but if your wife doesn't work and she lives in Shanghai or Shenzhen,150USD is not enough. I hope guys here don't think that we are after your money,it is not like that,if you are very loving,very caring,very understanding,very loyal and honest, we still love you so much even you are as poor as a beggar! But if you are a good husband,don't you want to provide a good life to your wife? Don't you want her to live a comfortable life if you can afford it??You guys don't trust your wives enough,that is why you guys think you should be very strict about money to your wife.Even you give 1000USD to your wife each month,do you think she will save all the money for herself? I think your wife will give all the money to you when you need it. Because your money is also her money,and the money she saves can go to you anytime you need it.

171936[/snapback]

Chinabird is right on this. We live in Shanghai. Even before our daughter was born, the monthly spending for two of us was over 1000USD, and we were not living an extravagant life.

Edited November 27, 2005 by Joanne (see edit history)

[Cerberus]

On 001 forum, a Chinese woman said she has never asked for money from her American husband,and her husband has never sent her a penny,even when her husband visisted her in China she paid everything for her husband, when she needed to buy something,her husband always said she didn't need anything.And now she has financial problem, she told her husband about it,her husband refused to talk about it and refused to give money, her husband always says I love you to her,but now she is confused: where is the love?

 

Earlier I read a post here on candle for love.It was about a husband getting really upset by his wife asking for more money. Because she sometimes gets together with sisters from 001 and they compare how much money they get from their husband. And she said her husband gave her only 150USD each month and other wives got more. This wife asking for more money is not surprising for me, what surprised me is so many American husbands here said they saw a big red flag and even accused his wife of asking for money,and asked this guy to be careful with his wife, and said his wife only cared about money and some even said :dump her.

 

God!!For me,a wife asking for money from a husband is normal,there is nothing wrong with it,I DIDNOT see a red flag. It is not good to compare your husband with others' ,your husband should always be the best for you. BUT,what is wrong for a husband to support the wife financially especially when the wife doesn't work?? It's not your responsibility to support a woman financially if you are not married with her,but once you are married with her,she is your wife and your responsibility for a lifetime.

 

I am surprised so many American husbands think the same way about money. I know some of you guys here send money to your wife each month. From you guys' replies to the complaining husband,it seems to me you guys think a wife should not ask for money from a husband, a husband should not take care of the wife financially? Did I get you wrong? Maybe there is cultural difference in it? We hear in USA,even husband and wife go dutch,is it true? Because in USA,everybody has to be independent. In China it is not acceptable that husband and wife go dutch.

 

My husband is American too,but he is more Chinese than Chinese. He always says it is his responsibility to take care of me, he doesn't allow me to work,he says he will take good care of me forever,and he says I should not worry about life, he wants me to enjoy life,no matter what I need to buy, he will buy for me even it is expensive. He wants me to depend my whole life on him, and he devotes his whole life to me.To be honest,he gives me at least 500USD every month, and when I need to buy something expensive, he will even give more. He always gives me money without me asking.

 

I didn't see anything wrong with a wife asking for money. You guys think if a wife asks for money then she is not a good wife. I think husband and wife should share everything in life, your money is not your wife's money?? the money you work hard for is not for giving a good life to your wife? My husband says I am the reason for him to work hard. A husband and wife should share all the ups and downs ,all the good things and bad things.I am sure when you are in trouble,your wife is the first to reach out her hand for you. When you have financial problem, your wife will give her money to help you without hesitation. You take care of your wife,your wife takes care of you,it is mutual.

 

As for the complaining wife on 001,How can a husband allow his wife to pay for him all the time when he come visit? Did he marry a woman to support him financially?And when his wife is in trouble he doesn't want to support her? Where is the love? Love is not only saying I love you everyday, LOVE is action.

171915[/snapback]

Chinabird,

 

I think that what you are discussing is probably one of the hotly and most controversial intercultural aspects that will arise in any of our marriages and or relationships. Some it will be a large matter, for many others it is a small matter.

 

In regard to the woman, the information that we see may indeed be slightly slanted and we are only hearing “one side of the coin.” However, staying with her argument, I probably as a woman would consider this as “red flag.” A woman who has been raised in the Far Eastern side of the world expects her husband to support her. Support of the wife is considered the husbands primary duty. The care of the household budgets and the inner workings of the home are considered the woman’s domain. (To all, this doesn’t mean that the woman is pardon the expression; “barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen!”) This paradigm is seen not only in China, but in Korea, Japan, Malaysia, Philippines, Indonesia, Vietnam and Thailand just to name a few. It is simply a matter of cultural upbringing for the respective culture of either spouse. Responsibilities and expectations will range from a greater degree, to a lesser degree.

 

I can fully understand why the wife was upset. This is her cultural upbringing speaking. Can this be carried to huge degrees either way? Absolutely! In my opinion a man that has his wife pay for everything would raise a red flag for me immediately. I’m sure that this wife feels the same way, and she is probably already asking herself; 1) if he can’t support me now how can he support me later? 2) He states that he loves me but he doesn’t want to support me now, what will he do when we are together, later? Ladies and gentlemen these are valid questions and must be addressed now before the have gone past the “point of no return!” A Chinese or other Oriental culture does want to hear the words that I love you and care for you. However, your actions speak louder than the words “I love you!”

 

In my individual case and mine only, Yin knows that I’m a student. She knows that money is very tight. She also works and supports herself. This is for now only. When we are together and I am actually out of school, I assure you that the tables will be reversed! We have already discussed this matter before it comes to an argument between the spouses. We have discussed our roles in the marriage and in the future my pay is turned over to her. She gives me my allowance (I requested this manner) and she will use the monies that are remaining for the house, children, furniture, etc, etc. I felt this is the best system, since most Oriental women feel very insecure when they don’t know what is happening with the bank account. They simply want security and reassurance against the future. This is also a commonality with Western women to a lesser disagree. What is the leading cause of divorce western men and women? Adultery and finances. Again it will vary between individuals and from culture to culture. I will talk a little bit more on this later. Yin and I have also discussed our roles. Inside the home, she is Queen and what she says, goes! Outside of the home, and matters relating from the front doorstep onward, I am King and what I says goes! However, both are allowed to have say matters within each other’s area of responsibilities. I have been married twice with Oriental women. This is my third. I have never had an argument over finances and/or responsibilities. The only argument that Yin and I have had about finances was when I attempted to save money, and scaled back the telephone calls between us. This angered her and she told me so! I explained what I was doing, then she understood and a compromise was reached to limit them only somewhat!

 

Counter arguments are probably being raised after what you have read! What about the “golddiggers?” How do I know that is my wife is being prideful and spending the money frivolously? Gentlemen, from what I have learned in my travels, the Chinese people are by and large probably some of the most frugal people in the world. They save like there is no tomorrow! However, when they spend money on family, friends and on you they spend lavish amounts of money, that we as Westerners think of as excessive, THEY SPEND! If you haven’t found this aspect about your wife, then you have a lot more “homework” to do! Yin is no different. As an example, there are times when she will use newspapers as a tablecloth, since the tablecloth might get dirty and she has to spend money for water to wash it. There are other times when she spends lavish amounts,

(I’m talking about 4 or 5 of her monthly paychecks) of money, for presents on my siblings. These are two opposite extremes that I previously talked about. If your wife doesn’t have at least some of these qualities, then I assure you this dragon, will raise its head later in your marriage! Look beyond the money, possessions, the “I Love You’s” and look at her lifestyle. Is she a high maintenance woman, or a cultured woman that has her own set of personal beliefs? You had better find out what these beliefs and values are that she has. And I mean right now. Otherwise there will be problems in your marriage!

 

Chinabird you also bring up a very valid point that is also related to this topic that was made in another posting. It originated I believe from 001 forum and discussed here and many people saw “red flags.” Some rightly so! Some not in my opinion. Many men were angered that their wives would get together and talk about their husband’s salaries, how much support they received, what they did, etc. I didn’t make a posting, and was surprised how many men didn’t see to grasp the true reality of what was happening with their spouses. Are there “golddiggers” and prideful women that will talk a bunch of crap about how much better they are than others? Of course! You should have done your “homework” and found out that they were “golddiggers” long before this point. Therefore, the “golddiggers” being eliminated (probably 10-15% still remain) we will have a group that is married/fiancées that are coming together is the 001 forum to form a clique. This clique is designed for support, commonality and support. Don’t Western men have the Elks, Kiwanas, etc? Why are the Chinese women any different? Gentlemen, think of the last time you met some one at a party? What are the first questions out of any one persons mouth? 1) Hi! I’m so and so. 2) Responded with Hi! I’m so and so. What do you do for a living? This conversation automatically places that person in the appropriate strata in the conversation. President of the US or China you address a lot differently than a sanitation worker. Think a bit further; Isn’t your new wife being submitted to the same subtle question when she goes to the local Oriental grocery store, hosts an Amway or Tupperware party, or even your own church? Each of the three (And there are many, many more) will rank her according to these subtle questions, as surely as they rank you in your own workplace.

 

Gentlemen, what do you think that the women in 001 forum doing? They are proud of their new husbands/fiancées and they damn sure are going to make sure that another woman puts them down! When they join the groups/affiliations the same questions that were asked above are sure as Hell going to be asked by others to them. They are forming a hierarchical relationship among themselves. A “peck” order is a more commonly known term. Face (guanxi, probably misspelled to experts) is probably one of the highest traits among Oriental people. Loss of it is terrible and a cause of great shame to themselves. When they are being “stratified” they (women in this case) are fighting for their appropriate place in this peck order. They do not want themselves or their husbands to be placed at the bottom of “the pile.” This causes them great loss of face. So they will talk about their husbands proudly and how much he cares for them with their support. This is a big surprise to everyone? This has been around for about as long as there has been a Chinese culture. And it will continue well into the future as long as there are human beings on this planet!

 

I agree with Chinabird, I’m more Oriental thinking due to the huge amounts of time that I spent living in the Orient. In my particular case and it is a bit more unique; I simply can’t give an allowance being a student. However, in the future I assure you I will be the one being given the allowance. However, I agree that if a man is to be married and has the funds necessary, that he should agree to give an allowance. I don’t agree that men should simply throw tons of money at the woman. I also realize that many women will want more of a buffer than what they actually need. Therefore, if I was in this situation and since we are to be married and consensus of opinions should be reached between the man and woman.

 

This issue is hotly debated in other forums that I’m a member in. Ladies and Gentlemen, predominately this is a Chinese/American forum. This same issue is a HOTLY debated topic. You are very fortunate. Don’t believe me try Thailand, Filipino or Vietnamese cultures. You will not only be sending your wife an allowance, you will also be sending an allowance to her family. May God himself have mercy on the person who doesn’t! This is a husband’s perceived responsibility in these cultures to not only to the wife, but also to her children, siblings, parents and probably the water buffalo that is staked out back! How many of you have had to pay a dowry before marriage? DanR will know exactly what I’m talking about. In Thailand you will pay Sin Sot (a dowry) for a virtuous woman, I have seen prices going from 100,000baht($2,425) and going up to 2,000,000baht ($48,500) and still buy 22K gold starting at 5 baht and continuing up of 22K gold, valued at $647 to who knows where. Failure to pay this is a great loss of face to the bride and to her family. Thankfully, most modern Chinese families are not much into this huge dowry. However, there are holdouts in China, so don’t get too comfortable! Lest I forget, there will be an allowance given to the bride’s family also. All of these arrangements are made and negotiated before a marriage takes place. Don’t do it? I assure that she will be a social pariah in her own family. Thank the lord that you married a Chinese woman! Now a Western man and a Chinese woman (or reversed roles) cannot come to a mutually agreed upon allowance? Come on! Wake up and smell the coffee!

 

As for your final two paragraphs, I can’t find a single flaw in your thinking, and I wholeheartedly agree with it. My wife knows that I have 6 months until graduation. She doesn’t care about our wealth. She and I both care for our love. As she has stated, “ I have two hands and I have a mind, to work!” There are times when the man and woman have to work together for a better future. I am also aware that she will probably purchase or want something in the future that I believe to be completely frivolous and unnecessary. I know that this is my male perception talking to me. If it makes her happy, let her buy it. As long as the item is within reason, why not buy it? She wants to go shopping for shoes or clothes and needs a bit more cash; give it to her. I don’t believe in going out and purchasing a swimming pool or a mansion. However, if there is that special lotion or perfume that she wants, why not? You vowed to take care of her in sickness and health in bad times and good times. What is money? Merely a “vehicle” to obtain happiness! You made the vow, as did I to care for her. This doesn’t mean putting a plate of beans on the table and expecting her to be happy. This also includes making her happy in those small things that she treasures in her heart, that mean absolutely nothing to you as a man!

 

There is one final item that must be considered. The symbol of Yin and Yang. It is an even 50% to 50% of black and white. It is always dynamic and can constantly change. Money, allowance, happiness and status can all be incorporated into this symbol. The line is flexible ladies and gentlemen. Why make the line immovable? Place your desires and your wives/fiancés desires into this. Both of you will be far happier.