Money, and the apparent obsession with it

[Jeikun]

Same here.  Maybe it's because my wife is from the north central area and the family has been 'citified' for generations, but I'm not allowed to pay for anything.  My family bends over backwards to see to my comfort and happiness each time I'm here.  Their generosity (and love) seems to be boundless.

 

I asked her last night about dowery: She said when her oldest sister was to marry the groom's father approached her father to determine a dowery for her.  My late father-in-law said the only dowery he required was that his son-in-law love his daughter forever.  Did I find a great family or what!

171145[/snapback]

Reminds me of shopping with Jun and her mom. Jun's mom wanted to buy us sheets for the bed here in the US, and have me take them back with me. While she was picking them out, Jun whispered to me "Mom will try to pay, don't let her." So when she starts for the counter, I rush up beside, and whip out the yuan I had ready in my hand, and try to give it to the cashier... Jun's mom protests, and pulls out her money. I push mine to the cashier, Jun's mom pushes her money to the cashier. The cashier just keeps looking back and forth between the two of us not knowing whos money to take, Jun's mom telling her in Chinese to take hers, and me doing as best as I can with hand gestures and facial expressions (god I must have looked like an idiot). Well, the cashier gave me MY money back, and Jun wasn't happy. I was like "What could I do??"

 

At least I managed to pay for the 2nd set we picked out.

 

(as a little aside, the much fought over sheet set was just bleach-spotted into retirement by me, earning me the priviled... errr... punishment of never being able to do the laundry again)

[Randy W]

Jim,

 

Is it possible that she accepted the money from her relatives with the understanding that she WOULD definitely get married? That they may be upset that that promise was broken? If this is like an American father going after his daughter's suitor, all you need to do is duck and take cover.

 

I'm not taking the other side - I think you deserve our sympathy and support.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

As I make attempts to put myself in your shoes the only thing that comes to mind are the People's Court lawsuits where two people were either engaged, or had a boyfriend girlfriend thing going on where there was exchange of money. Invariably you will see.....

 

1. Guy want's the engagement ring back. He gets it by law because they never married, and engagement is now off.

 

2. Girl or Guy claims the car, the dinners, the apartment, the bills, were the others responsibility or gifts.

 

You're stuck in a moral dilemma and must make a choice that you are comfortable living with. You probably won't be going to court, the relationship appears to be over, she and her family are pissed at you for bailing after their generosity and investment.

 

Clearly you can bail on the situation and not pay a cent. No skin off your back eh? Can you live with that? If not, send them some money. Just be aware that regardless how much you send it likely will NEVER be enough.

[SinoTexas]

As I make attempts to put myself in your shoes the only thing that comes to mind are the People's Court lawsuits where two people were either engaged, or had a boyfriend girlfriend thing going on where there was exchange of money. Invariably you will see.....

 

1. Guy want's the engagement ring back. He gets it by law because they never married, and engagement is now off.

 

2. Girl or Guy claims the car, the dinners, the apartment, the bills, were the others responsibility or gifts.

 

You're stuck in a moral dilemma and must make a choice that you are comfortable living with. You probably won't be going to court, the relationship appears to be over, she and her family are pissed at you for bailing after their generosity and investment.

 

Clearly you can bail on the situation and not pay a cent. No skin off your back eh? Can you live with that? If not, send them some money. Just be aware that regardless how much you send it likely will NEVER be enough.

171236[/snapback]

Oh, I don't mind paying the 5,000 RMB and I can afford it and have done so. It basically the idea that I feel like I was used as a family visa investment. It is just that as things went sour, I was hit up for previous costs that I thought were cultural hospitality. If there is anger at me, I understand, but to expect their money back?? I'm certainly not asking her for my expenses likew airfare, the things I did pay for, etc. I figure it's all part of the relationship process. I didn't realize I would get stuck for dating and relationship settlement/alimony if things didn't work out. I have learned a cultural lesson.

 

Jim

Edited November 23, 2005 by SinoTexas (see edit history)

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

I would do just like Frank suggested. It sounds appropriate in this case.

 

Good luck...

[Yuanyang]

I have given money with each visit (usually 1 or 2 thou) because I wanted to. It's only been accepted after a lot of protest. I have no doubt that if I asked to see it she'd pull it out of a drawer.

 

Jim, my gut reaction upon reading this was to "dump her" because she's obviously hurt your feelings. But whatever you decide to do you have my full support. I wish you the best of luck in this.

[mercator]

Perhaps the money is not so much a 'visa' investment as much as a marriage investment.

 

How she and her family react now that you've given her the money will tell volumes about their characters.

 

my 2 fen

[SheLikesME?]

Hey Jim sorry to hear this. But I weeded out a lot of ladies in China before I met my wife.

 

Whether deserved or not, I am glad to see you paid it back. Now the monkey is on their back. It is just my way, and even my SO (wife) gets mad if she thinks about how generous I was to my ex. when I don't have my present house paid for.

 

Anything I can do just holler?