Chinese Do's & Don't

[jtaylo69]

Dos & Don'ts

 

Many travelers from abroad are confused and frightened by Chinese customs. This handy reference tool makes it easy for newcomers to Beijing to fit right in.

 

 

So come along, my alien friend! Welcome to Beijing!

 

The order of Chinese names is family name first, then given name. Among some 440 family names, the 100 most common ones account for 90% of the total population. Brides in China do not adopt their husband's surnames.

Among Chinese, a popular way to address each other, regardless of gender, is to add an age-related term of honor before the family name. These include : lao (honorable old one), xiao (honorable young one) or occasionally da (honorable middle-aged one).

 

Unlike the Japanese, Chinese do not commonly bow as a form of greeting. Instead, a brief handshake is usual. While meeting elders or senior officials, your handshake should be even more gentle and accompanied by a slight nod. Sometimes, as an expression of warmth, a Chinese will cover the nomal handshake with his left hand. As a sign of respect, Chinese usually lower their eyes slightly when they meet others.

 

Moreover, embracing or kissing when greeting or saying good-bye is highly unusual. Generally, Chinese do not show their emotions and feelings in public. Consequently, it is better not to behave in too carefree a manner in public. Too, it is advisable to be fairly cautious in political discussions.

 

Chinese do not usually accept a gift, invitation or favor when it is first presented. Politely refusing two or three times is thought to reflect modesty and humility. Accepting something in haste makes a person look aggressive and greedy, as does opening it in front of the giver. Traditionally the monetary value of a gift indicated the importance of a relationship, but due to increasing contact with foreigners in recent years, the symbolic nature of gifts has taken foot.

 

Present your gifts with both hands. And when wrapping, be aware that the Chinese ascribe much importance to color. Red is lucky, pink and yellow represent happiness and prosperity; white, grey and black are funeral colors.

The popular items include cigarette lighters, stamps (stamp collecting is a popular hobby), T-shirt, the exotic coins make a good gift to Chinese.

And the following gifts should be avoided:

 

1.White or yellow flowers (especially chrysanthemums), which are used for funerals.

 

2.Pears. The word for Pear in Chinese sounds the same as separate and is considered bad luck.

 

 

3.Red ink for writing cards or letters. It symbolizes the end of a relationship.

 

 

4.Clocks of any kind. The word clock in Chinese sound like the expression the end of life.

 

 

China is one of those wonderful countries where tipping is not practiced and almost no one asks for tips. The same thing goes even in Hong Kong and Macao, except in some luxurious hotels.

 

 

Traditionally speaking, there are many taboos at Chinese tables, but these days not many people pay attention to them. However, there are a few things to keep in mind, especially if you are a guest at a private home.

 

1. Don't stick your chopsticks upright in the rice bowl. Instead, lay them on your dish. The reason for this is that when somebody dies, the shrine to them contains a bowl of sand or rice with two sticks of incense stuck upright in it. So if you stick your chopsticks in the rice bowl, it looks like this shrine and is equivalent to wishing death upon person at the table!

 

2. Make sure the spout of the teapot is not facing anyone. It is impolite to set the teapot down where the spout is facing towards somebody. The spout should always be directed to where nobody is sitting, usually just outward from the table.

 

 

3. Don't tap on your bowl with your chopsticks. Beggars tap on their bowls, so this is not polite. Also, in a restaurant, if the food is coming too slow people will tap their bowls. If you are in someone's home, it is like insulting the cook.

 

More on Chinese Etiquete

 

To help you to get acquainted with the area before you arrive, I will just touch on some of the very basic things that a foreigner should know, prior to arriving here, in order to maintain in good standing with the locals & their families. This information comes from a wide rang of sources & is from many months of research as well as trial and error. So I hope that this will help to make your journey to Nanning & all of China, a successful one.

 

 

 

Chinese etiquette in many ways is just common sense good behavior however it is still unique to China and not to be confused with other Asian cultures. Also the etiquette I describe is basic to the country as a whole and does not take into account etiquette practised by the hundreds of minority groups not only within the Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region but within China itself.

 

One thing you should remember and that is you will be forgiven many etiquette blunders that you no doubt will initiate so don't worry too much about it, however the Chinese people will be very impressed if you show some knowledge of and practise good Chinese etiquette.

 

Basic Daily Etiquette

 

The Chinese will nod or bow slightly as an initial greeting. Handshakes are also popular but wait for your Chinese counterpart to initiate the gesture.

 

If you visit a school, theater, or other workplace, it is likely that you will be greeted with applause as a sign of welcome. Respond by applauding back. Try to avoid making expansive gestures and using unusual facial expressions.

 

The Chinese do not use their hands when speaking, and will only become annoyed with a speaker who does. Some hand gestures, however, are necessary. To summon attention, turn your palm down, waving your fingers toward yourself. Use your whole hand rather than your index finger to point.

 

The Chinese, especially those who are older and in positions of authority, dislike being touched by strangers. Acknowledge the most senior person in a group first. Smiling is not as noticeable in China, since there is a heavy emphasis on repressing emotion. Holding hands in public is ok but public displays of affection such as kissing are frowned upon.

 

Do not put your hands in your mouth, as it is considered vulgar. Consequently, when in public, avoid biting your nails, removing food from your teeth, and similar practices. Pushing is common in lineups. Spitting in public is acceptable. Blowing your nose with a handkerchief is also acceptable.

 

As far as dress code goes, casual clothes are acceptable everywhere, although smarter clothes can gain more respect. Revealing clothes should be avoided. Problems that arise in China through cultural differences can often be put down to simple misunderstandings. In general, Chinese people are not forthcoming with information unless they are specifically asked for it, so be prepared to ask direct questions to get the information you need. Locals may not even speak honestly but will try to say what they think you want to hear. This is not done maliciously and an element of patience and understanding will ease the situation. Chinese people are courteous but reserved and politeness is appreciated at all times. Don't always be fooled by a smile as this can mean that the person is upset or embarrassed and try to avoid confrontational situations that may cause a loss of "face". Confrontation is not appreciated and will only worsen rather than resolve any situation.

 

Dining Etiquette

 

Although customs and the kinds of food eaten vary according to region, it is most common for Chinese families to gather for three meals a day. In some areas and at some times of the year, laborers may have only two full meals a day, but when possible, they supplement these with up to three smaller ones, often taken at tea houses.

 

There is not, in general, the strong association we have in the West between the type of food and the time of day it should be served (say, eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, pot roast for dinner). The sorts of dishes served at the two or three main meals are pretty much the same.

 

The goal in planning, however, is to provide a number of dishes at each meal, so that, rather than experiencing difference by comparison between one meal and the next, each meal includes, in itself, a satisfying array of elements.

 

The Stuff of the Meal The center of the Chinese meal is fan, or grain. So much so that the meal itself is called hsia fan, "a period of grain." In the South and among urban families in other areas, the fan may be rice or rice products, but rice is expensive, as is the wheat eaten in the North in the form of cooked whole grains, noodles, or bread.

 

Depending on the region, then, less prosperous families might make

their meals of millet, sorghum, or corn. The meats and vegetables we think of as the focus of the meal are known as ts'ai, which means something like "side dishes".

 

An individual place setting for an everyday meal includes a bowl of fan, a pair of chopsticks, a flat-bottomed soupspoon, and a saucer. Instead of a napkin, a hot towel is often provided at the end of the meal for the diner to wipe his hands and mouth.

 

The meat and vegetable dishes are laid out all at once in the center of the table, and the diners eat directly from the communal plates using their chopsticks.

 

Soup is also eaten from the common bowl. Rather than for serving oneself a separate portion, the saucer is used for bones and shells or as a place to rest a bite taken from a communal plate when it is too large to eat all at once.

 

It is perfectly acceptable to reach across the table to take a morsel from a far-away dish. Who eats when and how eating begins is in order of seniority, with each diner taking the cue to start from his or her immediate superior.

 

Children are taught to eat equally from each ts'ai dish in turn, never betraying a preference for a particular item by eating more of it, never seeming to pause to choose a specific bite from the plate.

 

In order to cool the soup a bit and to better diffuse the flavor in the mouth, soup is eaten by sipping from the spoon while breathing in. This method, of course, produces the slurping noise that is taboo in the west.

 

To eat fan, a diner raises the bowl to her lips and pushes the grains into her mouth with chopsticks. This is the easiest way to eat it and shows proper enjoyment. The diner must finish all the fan. To leave even a grain is considered bad manners, a lack of respect for the labor required to produce it. It is fair to say that the number one pastime in China is eating.

 

Banquets

 

Although your Chinese host will not expect you to know everything about proper banquet behavior, he will greatly appreciate it when you are displaying some knowledge of the subject, because it shows that you have respect for Chinese culture, etiquette and traditions.

 

Banquets are usually held in restaurants in private rooms that have been reserved for the purpose. All members of your delegation should arrive together and on time. You will be met at the door and escorted to the banquet room, where the hosts are likely to have assembled.

 

Traditionally, and as in all situations, the head of your delegation should enter the room first. Do not be surprised if your hosts greet you with a loud round of applause. The proper response is to applaud back.

 

Seating arrangements, which are based on rank, are stricter than in the West. This is another reason why you should give your host a list of delegation members and their rank. Guests should never assume that they may sit where they please and should wait for hosts to guide them to their places.

 

Traditionally, the Chinese regard the right side as the superior and the left side as the inferior. Therefore on formal occasions, including meetings and banquets, the host invariably arranges for the main guests to sit on his right side. It is the host's responsibility to serve the guests and at very formal banquets people do not begin to eat until the principal host served a portion to the principal guest. Or, the host may simply raise his chopsticks and announce that eating has begun. After this point, one may serve oneself any food in any amount, although it is rude to dig around in a dish in search of choice portions.

 

Remember to go slow on eating. Don't fill yourself up when five courses are left to go. To stop eating in the middle of a banquet is rude, and your host may incorrectly think that something has been done to offend you.

 

Drinking takes an important place in Chinese banquets. Toasting is mandatory, and the drinking of spirits commences only after the host has made a toast at the beginning of the meal. It is likely that he will stand and hold his glass out with both hands while saying a few words.

 

When he says the words gan bei, which means bottoms up (literally empty glass), all present should drain their glasses. After this initial toast, drinking and toasting are open to all. Subsequent toasts can be made from person to person or to the group as a whole. No words are needed to make a toast, and it is not necessary to drain your glass, although to do so is more respectful.

 

Remember that hard liquor should never be drunk alone. If you are

thirsty, you can sip beer or a soft drink individually, but if you prefer to drink hard liquor, be sure to catch the eye of someone at your table, smile and raise your glass, and drink in unison. Beer or soft drinks can also be used for toasting. Also, it is impolite to fill your own glass without first filling glasses of all others. This applies to all drinks and not just to alcohol. If your glass becomes empty and your host is observant, it is likely that he will fill it for you immediately. When filling another's glass, it is polite to fill it as full as you can without having the liquid spill over the rim.

 

This symbolizes full respect and friendship. It is a matter of courtesy for the host to try to get his guests drunk. If you do not intend to drink alcohol, make it known at the very beginning of the meal to prevent embarrassment. Even then, the host may good-naturedly try to push you into drinking.

 

One way to eliminate this pressure is to tell your host that you are allergic to alcohol. In the course of drinking at banquets, it is not unusual for some Chinese to become quite drunk, although vomiting or falling down in public entails loss of face. After a few rounds of heavy drinking, you may notice your hosts excusing themselves to the bathroom, from whence they often return a bit lighter and reborn for more toasting! When the last dish is finished, the banquet has officially ended.

 

There is little ceremony involved with its conclusion. The host may ask if you have eaten your fill, which you undoubtedly will have done. Then the principal host will rise, signaling that the banquet has ended.

 

Generally, the principal host will bid good evening to everyone at the door and stay behind to settle the bill with the restauranteur. Other hosts usually accompany guests to their vehicles and remain outside waving until the cars have left the premises.

 

After you have been entertained by your Chinese associates, it is proper to return the favor unless time or other constraints make it impossible. A good time to have a return banquet is on the eve of your departure from China or at the conclusion of the business at hand.

 

Gifts

 

Chinese people consider gifts an important part in showing courtesy. It is appropriate to give gifts on occasions such as festival, birthday, wedding, or visiting a patient. If you are invited to a family party, small gifts like wine, tea, cigarettes, or candies are welcomed. Also fruit, pastries, and flowers are a safe choice. As to other things, you should pay a little attention to the cultural differences.

 

Contrary to Westerners, odd numbers are thought to be unfortunate. So wedding gifts and birthday gifts for the aged are always sent in pairs for the old saying goes that blessings come in pairs. Though four is an even number, it reads like death in Chinese thus is avoided. So is pear for being a homophone of separation. And a gift of clock sounds like attending other's funeral so it is a taboo, too.

 

As connected with death and sorrow, black and white are also the last in the choice. Gift giving is unsuitable in public except for some souvenirs. Your good intentions or gratitude should be given priority to but not the value of the gifts. Otherwise the receiver may mistake it for a bribe.

[BuffaloPaul]

Interesting post. Thanks. Not sure if I want to attend a banquet - think I'll act allergic to alcohol

[david_dawei]

Proper way to toast others:

Here is what I learned from the group I was with in Baoding at the countless dinners and rivers of alcohol.

 

When you toast, often the glasses will be extended to 'tap' each other. In order to show respect to someone, the top of your glass should 'tap' their glass below the top of their glass, let's say 1/2 down the glass.

 

To show deep respect, the top of your glass should tap their glass near the bottom.

 

The first toasting to a person usually has this exchange of respect. On subsequent toastings, that same person might lower his glass so this time, the tops are equal (which I took as a symbol of equals, friendship).

 

Most woman lowered their glass to the men. As Zixuan's finacee, I was instructed to lower my glass to the oldest sister.. and did it as well to her husband. The men usually lowered their glass to me.. I took as a gesture of 'welcome' to china.

 

"Gan bei" (dry glass, cheers, bottoms up, the chug): This can be spoken by anyone at the table and all involved with 'drink completely' the alcohol they have in their glass.. regardless of the contents and the volume. So some could be at half a glass and others at a full glass. At some restaurants, we had small glass and at others big glasses. It became a bit of a drinking match on a certain level... seems everyone wanted to 'test' the americans ability to drink.

 

I meet an englishman who said "gan bei" on every toast and usually those at the table with us would first look at him and I tried to explain to him that this was a toast to 'drink it all up' ... but he kept on saying it at every toast.

 

I'd suggest that you only say this if you really mean to show someone the most respect possible.. since the more you drink (in your toast) the more respect, thus gan bei is the highest respect.

 

When I was first learning to drink (did that sound odd to you also?), I would get sign language from her sister as to how much to drink as different people toasted me.. and in this way, I get used to knowing what was respectful amount or not.

 

But she was also the one who would motion me to drink less once the men got their engines rev'ed... and the toasting took off...

[Dan R]

So David how does that differ from here? Some things are less formal here than in China, but I found that most people on both sides of the ocean don't know why they are just following protocol.

 

I still recommend if you think you can't take heavy drinking, make it clear at the beginning that you don't drink at all. In formal or celebratory drinking there is no limit> It is all or nothing.

[david_dawei]

The notable different (besides the limit/limitless issue) is the glass placement for toasting. I don't think we have an equivalent here in US...

[philb]

I was fairly conservative in toasting with family. My fiance was happy to see my retraint not wanting a drunkard as a potential husband. However, at least one "lead off" down the hatch certainly broke the ice!

 

Great post. So many nuances. After reading all the do's and don'ts; I realize now how patient my Fiance is with the "American". On the other hand, I think that the family is trying to loosen up a little. The first kiss on Mama's cheek brought a little surprise; but after that, I think she looked forward to it. Of course, in the house only; not in public.

 

I got a kick out of the gifts I brought. Everyone appeared very happy with their gift; but I noticed that some had been exchanged "behind the scenes" to make evryone even happier. Works for me!

 

Phil & Yun

[david_dawei]

I was fairly conservative in toasting with family.  My fiance was happy to see my retraint not wanting a drunkard as a potential husband.  However, at least one "lead off" down the hatch certainly broke the ice!

 

Great post.  So many nuances.  After reading all the do's and don'ts; I realize now how patient my Fiance is with the "American".  On the other hand, I think that the family is trying to loosen up a little.  The first kiss on Mama's cheek brought a little surprise; but after that, I think she looked forward to it.  Of course, in the house only; not in public.

 

I got a kick out of the gifts I brought.  Everyone appeared very happy with their gift; but I noticed that some had been exchanged "behind the scenes" to make evryone even happier.  Works for me!

 

Phil & Yun

good point about the affection in private... in my first trip, if I showed any movement toward her sister like a hug, her older sister would cover her face and shy away..

 

On my second visit , being there for two months, by the end, she would throw her arm around me for a picture.. I almost covered my face !

[Feathers268]

I was fairly conservative in toasting with family.  My fiance was happy to see my retraint not wanting a drunkard as a potential husband.  However, at least one "lead off" down the hatch certainly broke the ice!

 

Great post.  So many nuances.  After reading all the do's and don'ts; I realize now how patient my Fiance is with the "American".  On the other hand, I think that the family is trying to loosen up a little.  The first kiss on Mama's cheek brought a little surprise; but after that, I think she looked forward to it.  Of course, in the house only; not in public.

 

I got a kick out of the gifts I brought.  Everyone appeared very happy with their gift; but I noticed that some had been exchanged "behind the scenes" to make evryone even happier.  Works for me!

 

Phil & Yun

good point about the affection in private... in my first trip, if I showed any movement toward her sister like a hug, her older sister would cover her face and shy away..

 

On my second visit , being there for two months, by the end, she would throw her arm around me for a picture.. I almost covered my face !

I wonder, is this changing among the younger generations? I did not know any of this on my trip, and hugged Jen when we first met, hugged and kissed her good-bye at the airport, and even hugged her sister good-bye in the hotel lobby. I never had any hint of doing anything wrong or unexpected.

[Yuanyang]

I did not know any of this on my trip, and hugged Jen when we first met, hugged and kissed her good-bye at the airport, and even hugged her sister good-bye in the hotel lobby. I never had any hint of doing anything wrong or unexpected.

It was so very difficult to not have one last good-bye kiss and embrace at the airport. My precious Xiao Mei had kept a straight face all the time, no quivering lips but her eyes were filled with tears. This is the part I dread the most about my return trip. Leaving her again.

Edited February 2, 2006 by Yuanyang (see edit history)

[BuffaloPaul]

Every time I visited these inhibitions about PDS's decreased. By the last time I left Jen was laying some pretty passionate kisses on me at the airport in front of her daughter. And that time there were no tears since she knew the next time she saw me would be the last time we have to leave each other.

[Dan R]

The notable different (besides the limit/limitless issue) is the glass placement for toasting. I  don't think we have an equivalent here in US...

Things become lost in history. But clicking was a very hierarchical ritual. There were those you raised your glass to and those you clicked with. The degree of contact from tilted edge to full straight on was the difference between social grace and comaraderie.

 

Change happens.

[Dan R]

PDA an interesting subject. until the 60's in the U.S. it was a taboo. It has loosened up to the point that many feel it is a sign of the breakdown of American morals. It is embarassing to walk down the halls of a high school.

 

In China it varies by region and many factors. The youth like everywhere lead the way in change as they reject the way their parents do things. Touch is a very culture oriented thing. Area of the body to touch and situation vary greatly. Nonverbal communication is an important field of study today for understanding social differences.

 

Plato wrote condeming the decline of morality and blamed the vogue of youths wearing see through togas made of Chinese silk for much of it.

[Feathers268]

I did not know any of this on my trip, and hugged Jen when we first met, hugged and kissed her good-bye at the airport, and even hugged her sister good-bye in the hotel lobby. I never had any hint of doing anything wrong or unexpected.

It was so very difficult to not have one last good-bye kiss and embrace at the airport. My precious Xiao Mei had kept a straight face all the time, no quivering lips but her eyes were filled with teats. This is the part I dread the most about my return trip. Leaving her again.

I know your feeling. Jennifer stood strong, but looking in her eyes, you could see how she was feeling. In some ways, I'm glad I didn't know any of this because I don't know how that would have ghanged my behavior there. I mean we were not bordering on the next installment of Chinese Girls Gone Wild, but I always had my arms around her waiting for the bus, train, etc. And yes, we saw a lot of PDA with young people in Shanghai.