bill23

Lee..... When I write the simple words, "I am da boss", she still does not understand. Any suggestion??.... 234709[/snapback] Try Wo shi huangdi! This gets almost as good a laugh as when she tells me to get out of bed because "time is money." 234712[/snapback] Thanks guys! I just need to chill. I will be here a week with her when I get back. Unfortunately, after that, we will see how it goes.

I am absolutely disgusted with myself. Upon getting news that my SO's interview is Sept 5, I am not acting well. I hope to get some perspective from others, especially a Chinese perspective. My biggest fear is being prepared. I am so worried about the isolation for my SO and have expressed it in emails to her. Her English is poor but she is working on it. After getting my last email, I got the feeling she is tired of my worrying about her adjustment. I go to work at 7:30 and get home around 6:30. Even knowing or having a feeling that she is tired of hearing how life is here, I did it again. For some reason I have this need to prepare her. I have prepared on throwing out a bunch of junk, making the house beautiful and stuff like that. I just cannot conquer the problem of giving her transportation whenever I am gone. In China, it is easy to come and go as you please. Not here in the suburbs of Atlanta. Her isolation is something that really bothers me but she is tired of my preaching about it. I wish I could let it go. Any advice?

I have recently gone through this and also got explanations from the Consulate and the DOS about this. I also have a Chinese attorney attorney that advised me. Most of the members here know more than I so their advice is probably solid. I got the letter that my case was forwarded in March and finally got the P-3 in Mid June. If you ask the consulate or DOS, they will tell you that these forms sit in a Chinese customs office for a long time before delivered to the Consulate. I am not suggesting that this is a true statement but your waiting is normal. I would not play "the calling your congressman card" until you have a real problem. This was my attorney's suggestion. Most likely your case is on track--you just have to wait. I would email the consulate to ask why no P-3. See if they have a record of your case. I did this and they knew about me but said they had not received it. Everything is runnning smooth now. She should have the P-3 real soon but I would not worry too much until after 90 days. 234271[/snapback] Thanks Bill. As I understand it since I filed an I-130, and didn't go the fiance visa or try the K3 variant I have already received the P3 packet. The NVC sends it to the US spouse and I completed the DS-230 part 1, and the I-864. So I think that I'm waiting for the P4 packet, which GZ would send to my wife in Chengdu and would have the documents for her interview and the interview date. I appreciate your response though, and good luck on your case. 234282[/snapback] Naogong, Sorry about that. That is probably why I should leave the explaining to the experts. My first call to the DOS was when I felt the Consulate was giving me the run around. I could not figure out how they knew about my case but did not have paperwork for over two months. This clown at the DOS proceeded to instruct me that China was a communist country. He was very condescending towards me. Wish you the best on this. Good Luck.

Fabulous!

I have recently gone through this and also got explanations from the Consulate and the DOS about this. I also have a Chinese attorney attorney that advised me. Most of the members here know more than I so their advice is probably solid. I got the letter that my case was forwarded in March and finally got the P-3 in Mid June. If you ask the consulate or DOS, they will tell you that these forms sit in a Chinese customs office for a long time before delivered to the Consulate. I am not suggesting that this is a true statement but your waiting is normal. I would not play "the calling your congressman card" until you have a real problem. This was my attorney's suggestion. Most likely your case is on track--you just have to wait. I would email the consulate to ask why no P-3. See if they have a record of your case. I did this and they knew about me but said they had not received it. Everything is runnning smooth now. She should have the P-3 real soon but I would not worry too much until after 90 days.

PT, I did not know that. I will check into that when she is here.

Thanks to everybody. I will do that Ken. I must admit that after the initial excitement I am stressed. There is no way I can make things perfect---I am prepared for change and surprises.

Congrats Bill! 233854[/snapback] Thanks!!!!!

I will be there for her return trip here. We are going to spend a week in China and then a week here getting adjusted. We are either going to Shanghai or her parents hometown of Beiliu. I think she may want to be there for the birth of her niece. We will see.

That works out perfect David. She will be excited to hear this news this evening. I am shaking like a leaf.

Congrats! I talked to very nice person from DOS too. That is not the norm from my experience.

I just got off the phone with DOS. The P4 is being sent out today and the interview is scheduled for September 5 at 7:15 am. This leads me to another question. My SO's sister is scheduled to have a baby at the end of Sept. If the SO wants to stay in China can we have the visa date start later on? I would like the clock on my 90 day time period to start when she reaches US soil. Yippee!

David, She will not discuss this much with me right now. All I know is that she wants to work and contribute. It was my plan to have her tutored English or go to school for a good while when she got here. Lately I think she has been on the internet finding out more information about life here. My SO is actually a medical doctor but I am not sure she has a license on anything in particular. She is working in some sort of research now since the end of last year. I imagine that she would like to talk to your wife but now I cannot get much out of her as far as what she wants to do. I think she wants to work, learn English, and have children all at the same time. I thought we had a plan on her studying English full time for a while but she mentioned getting a job and learning English at the same time. Who knows--all of this will have to work itself out when she gets here. I have learned to get ignored when discussing a career.

I have been curious as to how difficult it is for SO's coming to the US and getting decent job's here. My SO is on her way to becoming a physician in China. I know that may be a pipe dream here and she also has English to overcome. She is young and a hard worker. I have no idea what is realistic for her as far as a career path. She seems to just like the idea of getting a job and contributing. I would like to assist her in learning a skill so she can find a career instead of just having a job. This is ultimately up to her but I hope she finds something that she can feel valuable. Any advice on this?

Bobby, I knew that post was from a female, your wife. It helped a great deal. It was very helpful. Joanne is starting to see to a little through my eyes as well. It is such a hard subject because in general terms, everyone makes good points. I can only listen to everyone and make a decision based on what is best for my situation. As of now, I will not plan on taking my attorney's advice. In a couple of months I will be back in china for a week to get her. I think this trip will ultimately form my final decision. I will be seeing her parents again in their hometown. It is a small place. We will see if I have any surprises this time or if I truly have support for the right reasons. I have expressed that I consider them part of my family but have had to take a hardline stand in the past. Either way, I am one who understands the committment my SO is making by leaving her life to come here. Accordingly, all my thoughts on this would have made a win-win situation. I want my SO to become very independent here while still keeping a strong value system of Eastern culture. I hope she can get in the medical field here. I know how hard it will be on us for a long time. This is another issue. I will start a thread on it soon. Thanks to you all!

I have kind of put this subject to bed. I think that there is a right time and place for a prenup and in most cases it is not a good idea. I think what bothers me the most is that some people assume that you don't have the same kind of love and trust by having one. I read stories, know people, who have loved each other very much. But sometimes things change and they are beyond your control. It happens every single day. The fact is that some who have responded on this thread will go through a divorce and it won't be their fault. My situation is a little different because i expect to have difficulties in China. I sure hope not, but I can feel that my SO is trying to get away from some pressures. I am pretty sure that I am not going to bring it up. If I do it will be when she is here much to the dissappointment of many. I kind of made the decision not to mess with it after I realized that the laws were not what I thought they were. Its all good

I made a post and deleted it david. In a nutshell the answer is no! Because of the complexities of the relationship I think a prenupt is something to think about. It is to protect her as well. Not that I expect anyone to understand.

How can this be a serious question? Explain to me how I can't love my SO and not worry about the difficulties that are beyond my imagination or control?

One of the reasons that this thread has been reasonable is because I am not looking to hear what I want to hear. I am fighting no one. Prenup's are not always solely around trust. Do you think a lot of people get married and not trust their SO's? I am 37 years old and never married. It is not because I am different but it is because I never loved anyone enough. As I have gotten older I have changed. I am not in delusions that I have spent approx. 3 weeks with my fiance although we have been together for a long long time. The prenupt does not have anything to do with trust. I totally understand the repurcussions of deciding to do something unique like this. I am not just marrying someone. I am marrying a culture. My SO is leaving her country and family and I have so much respect for that. In any circumstance, I want her to have a life HERE. I have my reasons and they are justified. A prenupt can be positive instead of negative. That may sound crazy but if you truly love someone and yourself and family it is true. Each of our situations is very different. Only I know how much I love my SO. I can do everything I can to make my marriage work---it does not change all of the possibilities. The prenupt I was considering protects me somewhat. It also shows her how much I am committed to her and her family.

David, I will mull it over. I think my SO will be financially responsible. Ultimately she will be pleased no matter what I decide to do. That is what our secret is. She really wants to make me happy and my mission in life is to make her happy. It is easy to say when you don't live together everyday. I have been preached to by married guys for a long time about the realities of marriage. My plan is for it to be a little different.

"One of the better feelings one can have (other than that other one), is knowing they have found the solution to a problem and that they like the solution they found. " HaHaHa! I found my solution and I accept it. I can't say I am in love with it yet. Let's just hope my journey bears fruit and I don't endure one of those horror stories that I have read about. I could just assume my belief that my relationship will be near perfect. I am relieved that I made a decision and I do have much faith in my SO.

Sleepless, Thank you for that story. It does really help. David, I am glad to be here. I am absorbing all of this. I unfortunately do not have the ability to guarantee myself that my SO and I can communicate effectively in discussing this. I cannot do that to her. When I decided this, I also decided the prenup was not a condition to our marriage. I could never explain the complexities of my financial situation unless she were here. Her family contributed to her "losing face" with me. As much as it hurt me--it also hurt her. She is terrified at the thought of me not trusting her again. It was a huge blow to us. To this day she has never explained it, but she pleaded with me and has since shown me by ACTIONS that no one will interfere or pressure her again. Family is a very powerful thing. I think discussing this accurately with her is impossible as long as she is in china. The act of her signing it I don't see being a problem for her. This would scar her right now while she is in China. Damn this is all hard to explain. And absolutely none of the troubles that I have had concerning her have to with this prenup. Like I said, I got the answers that I was looking to get. The absolute last thing I want is to hurt her. What I learned is that all the females would be offended at this at the last minute, under all circumstances. My Chinese friend did the K-3 and I have talked at length about this with his family. They are very traditional Chinese. They do not see a problem but they also do not see my SO as most of you do. Quite frankly, I have learned more here. I will tell the attorney that I am not doing it. I don't feel comfortable either way. I definitely don't feel comfortable discussing this through an interpreter when we have not seen each other in 6 months. It will only open an old wound.

Another two cents........ Bill, I can certainly sympathize with you. It seems as though you have had some bad experiences in the past with divorce settlements, your father. Perhaps you also felt "extorted" by your SO's family for a dowry although this is Chinese custom to some degree. Our actions are sometimes predicated on our past experiences. Only you know your SO and the situation at hand so you must make this choice. Many excellent points were made previously such as your financial responsibilities required by the Affidavit of Support. It is also true that the "meter only starts running" after you are married when it comes to division of property. But I would agree with most others in advising that you must have a good understanding with your SO about this before you go any further down the Visa road. I know that my SO does not like surprises and she would be very angry and hurt to have this put on her after she arrives. Open and honest communication is the foundation of a good marriage and even though we struggle sometimes with our SOs because of the language and cultural differences, we should always go the extra mile with each other to make our thoughts and feelings be understood. Good Luck! 232556[/snapback] Gman, Thank you for that post. My affidavit of support does not come into play I don't think. About when "the meter starts running" ---that is where I am confused. If you are right a prenup is probably still wise for me but I will not even go there. I will inherit a significant amount of money and some that is in trust right now. I am willing to lay all of that on the line and it is more than I currently have. In my situation, it was best not to disclose my situation or assets to China. My SO is my first true love, although I have loved many. I have never married and had never truly loved someone. My SO is going to be in a wonderful situation with or without a prenup. My family loves and trusts her and they also have agreed and are shocked at everything I have done to make all of this happen. In no way do they believe that I should discuss this with her before she gets here. I have very strong reasons and all of you would agree with me. Even if it means that all think I should not ask for a prenup. I got what I needed here. One day I will share more. No prenupt is in order for me. I may regret it but I don't think it will matter.

Roger, It is my understanding that here in Georgia that she could leave me and take half of my assets. All situations are different in my opinion. This is not an issue of trust as many explain here. Not in my situation. I want my SO to become independant and I plan on putting her through school to do whatever she wants. She is not going to be cleaning people's houses for a living. Now I have talked to her about this. She does not even have to work but she feels the need to contribute. This was her choice. She is in the medical field so I told her that I do not want her to rush to get the first job to help the household. I love her enough to make sure she is well equipped to do whatever she chooses. If I did decide to do a prenup---I would be asking her and not demanding. It is her choice because I have waited so long. It is hard to believe but me waiting was the right decision and still is. It is too late in the process for us to discuss this through an interpreter in China. This may mean that I will not do one or even bring it up. I am not cruel or selfish but I would not expect anyone who has not met me to believe this. Many good and bad stories occur everyday in these relationships. Many guys have believed that they were loved and trusted their SO and were wrong. I believe in my SO very very much. If I thought she was coming here mainly to get a better life, I wouldn't be getting married. Marriage is about love and trust----a more than fair prenupt in some cases should not diminish this. I believe people should also be prudent. My SO is leaving her country and family so this makes it difficult. I can assure all of you that I love her and want the best for her. A prenup is a good idea for me to protect me from a disaster. Either way the SO is in a very good situation without getting into all the details. My Chinese friend has offered to sit down and explain all of this and why it is a good idea. From the responses I am getting it may not be worth it.

woainilin is absolutely correct. An American woman once told me that the act of signing a prenupt is the ultimate sign of love. I have to agree with her. But, she is an American woman who can fully understand and wrap her head around the concept. This is totally alien and foreign to a Chinese woman who would be looking for signs that the man she plans to marry will provide her with a life of SECURITY. Asking her to sign a 10 page legal document that limits the amount of security you give her will be the death knell to your relationship. I will bet you a six pack of Chefies brews on this. My wife and I have many Chinese female friends here in the US. So, let me give you a little first-hand experience from my friend Tina. Tina met an American man and they planned to marry. Through our interpreter friend, Tina told me that her fiancé had drawn up a prenupt. He hired a attorney for her, so that she would know what she was signing. She gave me the prenupt and asked me to read it and give my opinion. Actually, I thought the prenupt was more than fair. It would give her the right to stay in his home for up to a year, if they were to dissolve their marriage. If, before five years of marriage, they divorce she would be given $4000 (I spoke to her fiance on the phone and he told me this was his attorney's suggestion. So, that it would not seem unfair that he wasn't giving her something). I told her that the prenupt was fair and that she would come out better than what she had going in. But, she ended the engagement. Basically, she was worried about health insurance. Yes, just health insurance. And, there was no mention of it in the prenupt. Tina's English is limited. She looks at marriage the same as most Chinese women (in China) do. She looked for simple signs that this man would give her a secure life. And, the mere thought that he would not made her run away fast. These are not American women. And, this is no slam against our American sisters. These Chinese women look for a better life. They seek a life where their husband will assure them that they will be taken care of, for better or worse. Honestly, if you are insecure about having your assets being taken away, in the event of a divorce, I would strongly suggest that you reconsider taking a wife from China. For this is a concept that you will find fruitless in trying to convey to your SO. 232493[/snapback] I appreciate everyone being so candid about this. Getting a female perspective is also a very good thing for me. My thought of not telling her before she gets her has nothing to do with me being afraid that she would change her mind. We have had so many misunderstanding due to the language or cultural differences. I also understand what my SO is giving up by leaving her country and family. I really honestly do. Also, the promise that I made when this process started to my attorney, means nothing. Until I found this board a little over a week ago, I could not get advice from people like all you who have experienced this. I want everyone to know that I never had any intention of creating a document that only protects me. Not anything even close to that. I have accumulated quite a bit for someone my age and I have been lucky and worked very hard. Even more, my mother has done very well for herself. I understand enough culture that I am also taking a responsibility to send some financial help to my SO's family when we recover from our expenses. She was assisting them with her job in China so it will be this way here. They tried extorting from me by a dowry and it was pretty hurtful. To educate myself, I have made numerous Chinese friends here and none of them disagree with the concept. It may be because they have met me and know me. I cannot ignore that almost all of you are telling me it is cruel to spring this on her after she gets here. I won't ignore it. I know my intentions are to take care of her but I also do not trust the legal process should I divorce for whatever reason. My attorney told me stories of good and bad. I do not want my marriage to get off to a bad start. Thank all of you for sharing your opinions.