Reality now sets in

[egolessvegan]

What about the couples who still have the language barrier? Would like to know their viewpoint.

[egolessvegan]

Where are all the regular everyday contributors? I know you have an opinion.

[egolessvegan]

Keep it positive. Keep it real.

It is all about the love!

[egolessvegan]

I am surprised so few chose to comment considering many are in the final process of the fiancee visa. Is this something most do not want to even think about.

[Alex]

My so and I really love each other. We have been together enough to know its right..now with the visa problem I am sure whatever has been there all along is only going to be even more profound. I did not cut and run when she was denied, and I am working very hard to change all that and see our dreams come true. I believe this demonstrates the depth of my emotions to my so....

 

If this struggle makes a better marriage then I will be glad to pay the emotional and financial cost. This is about the rest of our lives. It doesn't get any omre serious than this.

 

Most people are 100% sure when they enter marriage, but no one can guarantee it will work out. Starting out with honesty, selflessness, a will to compromise, and a heart that never strays is certainly be a good start.

 

 

Naturally there will be a sense of nervous anticipation when setting up house...these are things we are aware of . My priority is to be sure my so is comfortable and acclamated to her new home. She must feel "founded" and she must have a sense of "belonging". Over the last 8 months or so I have made it a point to make contact and establish relationships with local Chinese residents. Most are restaurant owners and shop keepers. I have discovered 2 of the ladies I met are from GZ!! They have spoken to my so over the phone, and are ready to roll out the red carpet for her. My family is also planning many celebratiions in our honor...oops, my post is getting long winded...just my 2 cents worth.

[MarkLuvsShuPing]

I just read this thread, so I'll throw my 2 cents in.

 

I agree with everything that's been said here. I'm on my 4th marriage, so I know how to fail at a marriage. You start off being idealistic, then reality hits and the illusion of love - which is really lust for sex or romance - fades. If there is nothing more substantial, then the marriage is bound to die.

 

There has to be more than just perserverance, though that is a requirement for success. There really has to be communication and flexibility. If you can't adjust together to the changing circumstances of your relationship and life, then you grow apart and no matter how long you hang in there, you'll be left with a shell of what you once had.

 

You also need to understand that love changes. What starts out as a passionate need for each other, eventually changes. It can become an ice cold resentment or a warm, comfortable affection. Which is not to say that passion necessarily has to go away, but you have to work at keeping it.

 

I married ShuPing out of faith and it's a very personal faith in my God that led me to find her and to marry her. I came from a different angle. I wasn't looking to get married and didn't realize I was ready until I'd decided to do it. When I say ready to get married, I don't mean ready in the sense of finally realizing it's time to settle down, I mean I was spiritually ready. I knew I was spiritually ready because I had dropped all my attachments to the need to be married, in other words, I was prepared to be single the rest of my life.

 

A further aspect of my beliefs is like the saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher will come". I was ready and ShuPing appeared. Once I realized that the stars in my life had aligned and I was being directed down the path, I ran to meet my destiny, ShuPing.

 

If you've read my story, you know how everything just fell into place and provided me a crystal clear path. So I have had doubts, but never fears that I was doing the wrong thing. I was skeptical, about going to China to marry the woman that God placed in my path, but I never hesitated. Each day that I chat with her or read her e-mail, I feel re-assured that I did the right thing, but, really, I had no choice, I was compelled to follow the path that led to my angel.

 

As for the future, I could be wrong and this is a match made in hell, but I don't believe so. We may have our problems, but if it all falls apart and I become the latest CFL tragedy, I'll have no regrets and no condemnation. Life will go on, so why worry about it? I trust her and she trusts me and it's enough to build on.

[Chad&Tong]

Yeah, 90 days seems to be a standard masculine orientated timeline for KNOWING if the other is worth pursuing seriously but typically within the context of dating one on one; (i.e.: holding hands, kissing, getting ready for bed/work, watching a movie, talking, in short, being with each other). You are in front of them and you can see, feel, smell as well as hear and sense). You know you can deal and there is a future or you know you can’t deal and you or the other ends it or gets out. But what about after the 90 days? Yeah, yeah, nothing is certain in life we all know that. But we do know what it takes on a day to day basis to get through life and you need to know if that other person has what it takes to step with you through the day to day ‘whatevers’ that makes us all human-beings with flaws. Ahhh, the flaws. And our reaction to each other’s flaws and how we view ourselves and how we want the other to view us when those flaws pervade our day to day routine.

 

I’m a firm believer in cohabitation prior to marriage. I cohabited with a couple of different girls state-side over the years and I can say without a doubt that I always knew precisely when the relationship had stalled. I never would have known if I hadn’t been sharing the same roof because my IDEAL of her and myself would have knitted a nice little fantasy which couldn’t be sustained when the circumstances were to shift in the future and we found ourselves sharing the same tube of toothpaste.

 

Well, my circumstances allowed me to do it again with my Chinese fiancé, but more importantly, I just wanted to be with her so I packed my stuff, sold what I didn’t need, got a one way ticket, hit Chinese soil and have been with her since day one. I was nervous. She was nervous. I saw her smiling face on the other side of customs, (she was jumping up and down and waving at me), we broke the ice, held each other for an hour in the bustling airport and took a taxi to her place. And so have been together ever since:… cohabitating. One year on the Dec. 27th and we are happy and content and still laughing with each other every single day. Yeah, a couple of minor fights about stupid stuff that lasted a whole hour. Then making up. Typical. To be expected.

 

But you know what sold me on this relationship? The fact that I can show my emotions to her and she can to me and I don’t feel like running away. I want to be here, look her in the eyes and lay me “it” (my ego, my sense of self), out there. I can do that with her and feel safe. First time. And she likes that and I like that. And she can do it to me. And I am not scared and neither is she. I can say the right things. We can laugh while were crying. No embarrassment. Just closeness: the kind of closeness you feel when you are scrambling some eggs for breakfast and she is humming in the other room. The typical ‘two people sharing everything’ routine/circumstances that create a closeness, a comfort zone. It’s important. It’s needed. Not everyone has the opportunity to do it (particularly with overseas or long-distance affairs) but if you can, then I highly suggest it. That is how you know.

 

You may love how she looks and how she sounds and you may remember that signifier of how she smells or laughed when you said something on your last visit or phone call, which in turn tugs on the heart and drives you to complete this thing (visa, U.S., marriage, family, home) so you can experience those signifiers again. But knowing how each of you will react to each other concerning the day to day stuff: that’s the clincher. It’s the small things, day to day. And all those small things add up to a wonderful, fulfilling relationship, a so so relationship or a relationship you wish you had never gotten into.

 

Ask yourselves this: “How will me and my other handle the REAL ups and downs of everyday life?” You have the patience it takes? Or will you lose it someday when minor cultural differences or personality snafus impede immediate cognitive understanding. Will she lose it when you lose it or will she give it back? What if she gives it back? How will you react?

 

Does she know your vices? Better yet, has she seen you in the midst of your vices? drinking, smoking, arguing, laughing and playing around, rough-housing, carousing, sulking, lying, sneaking, cheating, playing poker until 2:00am on the weekends with the guys, voicing your deepest secret fantasy, etc….

 

Some negative things, sure, and I don’t mean to offend, but no one, and we all know this, is perfect. Are you willing to give up some vices for her? Even if she doesn’t ask you to, but you know you should because you don’t like the way you think it might make her feel? More importantly, can you? Can you give up those old repetitive signifiers?

 

The REAL, (those death-drive repetitive things) will always pervade our lives at the most un-expected of times…. times when you least expect it. It’s the unconscious and the unconscious pervades like no other but she or you cannot see or hear or feel that unless you are both open with each other day-to-day. And when that happens, how will YOU feel when she sees your darker side? Guilty? Ok with it? “I ams what I ams?” “Take it or leave it?” Apologetic? Laugh it off? What? How will she react to seeing, feeling, hearing your unconscious well up between your words and actions? Or, will you hide your unconscious, mask it at every turn which in turn can drive someone away? Will she flip out or become subdued or suddenly start talking with her friends back home on QQ and ignore you? What? You need to find out.

 

Flip the coins too. How will you feel when you see her do something you never thought she could or would do or say or think?

 

Does she know your limits and do you know hers? Knowing and actually seeing are two different things.

 

Those REAL things that we all encounter when neck deep in a relationship, sharing, doing, being, day-to-day with another. That is the test of our combined metal.

 

I was lucky. I found a girl who will take all of me: the good with the bad. She doesn’t try to change me but she doesn’t let me get away with sh*t either. And in being that way, she has changed me. And it feels grand. And that is what I want. And I am happy to say and feel and know that I have done the same for her. And that is our love. Revered, cherished, day-to-day, laughing, working hard, unwinding, playing, living. All of these things and more prompted us to talk seriously about marriage. Are we sure? Yes, we know we want to keep that forever for us and we are both smart enough to know that things can change and we are both confident enough to know that we can change with the changes and wake up when we are 80 and laugh sardonically at what age has done to our bodies and minds and still know that we will have each other to the end. It’s a great feeling and I wouldn’t have discovered that feeling even if I hadn’t come over here to China to be with here.

 

Aahhh, forgive me.. It’s all food for thought and my own perspective of the whole relationship thing.

 

I hope the best of all of you and your significant other.

 

One more thing: A quote from French psychoanalyst, Jacques Lacan

 

“A change of discourse may be a sign of love.”

 

Changing how we speak and act in regards to ourselves and others, a change made for the Self AND the Other, may be a sign that you love the Other just as much or more so than you love yourself.

 

Chad

[Mengxin]

That's the part that stinks about the visa, it forces the marraige issue. I figure K1 or K3 doesn't matter too much. Eitherway, you have made a commitment. It forces you to back up the feeling in your heart with a peice of paper.

 

That's why I have so much sympathy for those guys that get burned. It's very easy to be sucked into lies given "our" circumstances. It's really easy for people to sit back in there chairs and pass judgement on others, until it happens to them. It doesn't make much sense that anyone would vest the time, money and agony into this visa process, only to rip thier own hearts out in the end.

 

Mark, Very nice post. I feel the same way about my lao po. Good thing I had my garbage can near by. That was about the mushyest post I've ever read.

[egolessvegan]

My fiancee Qing's interview is coming on January 7th. The days seem to be going very quickly now. It seems like every day my heart is beating a little quicker. The reality is, that if she passes the interview we will be together in February for good. Nobody will be able to seperate us again. Boy, that is a very nice feeling. It is as good as it gets.

Ken

[oregonknl]

Yeah, Ken, I know that feeling!

 

... was just there...

 

Hope you have found some of the insight you were looking for in the posts of RMark, and Chad...

 

...I know I have!

[egolessvegan]

It is a culmination of 15 months of many experiences and emotions. Heavy duty!

[jkobman]

I was married for 11 yrs. and really never knew my wife.

 

I was divorced for about 17 yrs. and had plenty of time to choose - single and lonely or married and challenged on a daily basis?

 

I chose married and challenged.

 

Everyday, we have to work through something - some easy and some difficult. I am again a husband and again a father. Everyday, I am thankful to God that He sent Sarah and Sam to me. This is the happiest that I have been in my adult life.

 

Lotsa work? Yup?

Worth it? YOU BETCHA!

[egolessvegan]

Wow only 2 more weeks until the interview. It is hard to believe that it is almost here.

Ken

[BuffaloPaul]

My big concern is with this Chinese characteristic of "saving face". My SO has already told me that the 90 day period means nothing because she would never return home no matter how unhappy. She feels that after she has already told her family, and sold her home that she must stay here. This is a little unnerving to me.

[egolessvegan]

I would say that is commitment with a capital C. Look at it as a positive.

Ken

B) B)