Reality now sets in

[egolessvegan]

OK everybody we have been celebrating the fact that many of the couples are getting their interview dates. For many of us we have been in a long distance relationship for a year or more. Many of us have traveled to China 1, 2, 3, 4, or more times. The emails and, the phone calls have been everyday.

Now reality sets in. My point of discussion is how well do you REALLY know your fiancee? How well do they REALLY know you? Is the realationship truly VALID? During my 3 trips I have lived under the same roof with mine for a total of 48 days. During that time I have experienced quite a bit. Many of the couples on CFL have been together for significantly less time. Some for only a week or so.

Taking a step back and fantasy aside, please be honest. Do you feel ABSOLUTELY comfortable about the next step? I love my fiancee very much and am very comitted since Day 1, but I also realize that 48 days is a relatively short period of time. Basically what I am trying to say, is now reality sets in. Alll the glitz and glitter are history. Are you prepared for the next step? Just wanted to know.

Ken

.

[MoonCarolCafe]

Am I certain? So certain that I bought the cow over 2 years ago.

 

So certain that if she had not gotten her visa by the end of this year that I was going to immigrate to China.

[Jim - Portland, USA]

Speaking from a "been there, felt that" perspective, I know what you're talking about - good topic.

 

Marriage by nature is a "leap of faith". Hence where the corny cliche came from. But that's really what it is. Once you commit to someone, how do you know they won't change after marriage? This issue is faced by every single human on earth who decides to get married. Even someone you've known all your life can change to a different person at anytime after marriage.

 

As for those of us involved in a long-distance and cross-cultural relationship, that "leap of faith" is indeed a longer distance than for most others (sometimes the width of the Pacific ocean )

 

As for me, I'm lucky enough to say that my trust, faith, confidence, and most importantly, my LOVE for my sweetheart continued to grow and grow and strengthen as each day passed, even while we were apart. I even sent hear an Excel spreadsheet graph with time on the x-axis and love on the y-axis ... a 45-degree line shooting straight up! I'm a goof, I know.

 

At a certain point there was a point when I knew for sure that she was the one, and that we could be happy together for the rest of our lives. But for us, it was perhaps a little different than most, we talked so much!!! We talked on the phone (regular phone) for an AVERAGE of 3 hours each and every day. Sometimes a bit less on weekdays, sometimes much more on the weekends.

 

6 hour phone calls were a frequent occurance. And when you talk to someone on the phone for that long (her English is excellent), you tend to get to know them very well I really don't look at it like "How many days were we under the same roof". I look at it like "How often did we talk"?

 

Some guys have married the girl next door, only to find they didn't know her very well after all. Usually due to a lack of communication. One can spend a full day sitting next to someone while never exchanging a single word between them. So why use physical proximity as a measure of intimacy?

 

As it turns out, I'm crazy for my sweetheart, and she's crazy about me. It seems that we were made for each other. We get along so well, it's uncanny. Before I met her, I didn't believe so much in the "soulmate" concept. But now, I do. My wife is my soulmate. Ironically, now that we are together, I miss every minute that I can't be with her!

 

Anyway ... going back to your topic, marriage is a leap of faith, no matter what. The key fundamental component of a successful relationship is communication. As long as there is a straight wide open avenue of communication, then I really believe that the relationship will blossom (if the two people are naturally compatible to begin with).

 

And to answer your question, I was ABSOLUTELY comfortable bringing our relationship to the next step. And now that we are together, I'm SSSOOOOOO happy that I listened to my heart and made "the leap".

[MarkandLeigh]

Ken,

Yes, it is a scary thing now that reality sets in. I have been with my Leigh for a similar length of time in the past 19 months and the interview is in January. It has been a long wait. Instead of putting the toe in the water, so to speak, we are taking the plunge in the deep end!

Fortunately, our communication has been every day. And I feel that what is deep on the verbal/written level will only deepen when she is physically here. Of course, there will be the "little things" that will bug both of us, but I'm confident we can work it through. Communication is the key.

Rest assured, though, nervous anxiety and excitement is both running through me. But how must it be for her? She's the one leaving her family, her friends, to a foreign country. The ways here are so different. My part is easy in comparison!

Mark

[egolessvegan]

JIm:

Nice story. Thanks for sharing the details. Many of us have not had the luxury of long and detailed phone calls because of the language barrier. So perhaps your situation was less complexed. Sounds like your heart took you in the right direction.

Ken

[warpedbored]

Do you really ever truly know someone anyway? I was with my ex for 21 years and thought I knew her pretty well. When the marriage ended she sure surprised me. Maybe you never really know someone until you divorce them. I think we all have some second thoughts and worries. Same as normal couples about to be married over here. From my own perspective Bing has exceeded all of my expectations and I couldn't be happier. She really is my dream come true.

[egolessvegan]

Another great story. Thanks for sharing.

Ken

[cosmiclobster]

Bought the cow and am learning to speak cow.

Moooooooo?

 

It's a leap of faith, but you both should be ready and eager to take that leap. No one can say what will happen in the future, but if your gut isn't saying LEAP LEAP LEAP, you might have a problem. If you don't have some common ground, interests, values and/or some other common denominators, you could be leaping into some quicksand.

 

Only you can sincerely look into your heart and decide if this is what you really want to do and HOPEFULLY she feels the same way.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

[egolessvegan]

Cosmic, you bring me right back to the original question, is there enough information, phone calls and emails aside based on a very little amount of interaction to make an intelligent decision. We are all taking the leap of faith without any hesitation. That is not a problem.

Yes I know it then becomes an individual decision.

Thanks for your imput.

Ken

[leejcandle]

I'll also answer from the perspective of my previous marriage; then relate it to my current relationship with my SO.

 

I was unhappy for years before my divorce. But my ex and I were still able to function as a team; especially for the sake of our boys. We supported each other through the death of a parent on each side; and through other difficult situations. This was long after the honeymoon was over.

 

I think the issue is more than communication long-distance at the start (my ex and I didn't have enough there; so our marriage began with false expectations). But through the relationship physically together; you need to be able to function through all sorts of difficulties. That requires growing maturity, patience, and sometimes healthy self criticism and growth.

 

So if there's one thing I would take forward as a positive from my previous marriage to my upcoming union with my fiancee; it's that ability to mutually solve life's problems together. Even today; my ex and I communicate and collaborate for our boys' sake. I want that for my future wife and I also.

 

When I visited her in Nanning, I paid special attention to how she dealt with the public, how she worked through controversial situations, how she deals with family crises. We worked together through different situations. I've seen how she behaves under pressure; I understand her 'style' of disagreeing.

 

We also developed the sort of routine where you see partners and/or team members get in sync, and the daily routine takes less effort.

 

When we communicate by video chat, we talk about values; or plans for the future. But the face-to-face and team problem solving are where I believe a functioning marriage works.

 

For us; I've seen how we work together, and I'm quite confident.

[egolessvegan]

Lee, sounds like a formula for success.

Ken

[tywy_99]

OK everybody we have been celebrating the fact that many of the couples are getting their interview dates. For many of us we have been in a long distance relationship for a year or more. Many of us have traveled to China 1, 2, 3, 4, or more times. The emails and, the phone calls have been everyday.

Now reality sets in. My point of discussion is how well do you REALLY know your fiancee? How well do they REALLY know you? Is the realationship truly VALID? During my 3 trips I have lived under the same roof with mine for a total of 48 days. During that time I have experienced quite a bit. Many of the couples on CFL have been together for significantly less time. Some for only a week or so.

Taking a step back and fantasy aside, please be honest. Do you feel ABSOLUTELY comfortable about the next step? I love my fiancee very much and am very comitted since Day 1,  but I also  realize that 48 days is a relatively short period of time. Basically what I am trying to say, is now reality sets in. Alll the glitz and glitter are history. Are you prepared for the next step? Just wanted  to know.

Ken

.

Well,,,,,,you have 90 days to figure that one out!

[egolessvegan]

Is that fair?

[yave20b]

I think this is one topic that is always on everyone's mind, whether they admit it or not. Especially under these circumstances (foreign bride from impoverished country / American husband from filthy rich country) one will think about these things from many angles not otherwise thought about. And yes there are American gold diggers in this country as has been pointed out by others before when discussing this topic, but it really is not the same. You cannot compare apples to oranges. Chinese girls and their American fiancees represent a totally unique and more complex set of circumstances than is present in American/American relationships.

 

For me, actions speak louder than words. As Lee has done, I've watched/ observed my fiancee's handling of herself with others almost as much as I've observed her handling of herself with me. I really feel this does shed some good light into someone's inner thinking ...the way they interact with others. Because they might be overly cautious with you in order not to let you see the inner self but people often drop their guard when dealing with others. I had many doubts at the beginning (my fiancee is almost 20 years younger) about her sincerity but I've now long since put those to rest after seeing her deal with many issues with others around her other than me. I can honestly say now I'm 100% sure she is the most sincere and loving person I can find. Because not only has our own relationship been tested and excelled but I've observed the "real her" in her day-to-day interactions with others.

 

If something is really bothering you about your relationship, I would urge caution until you are convinced you are doing the right thing. I have been observing a relationship that has been going on between a Chinese female friend in China and an American friend here in the US. They have known each other for 3 years now. Their timeline is the same as mine. I know the girl better than the man. I know the girl's character is impeccable and her sincerity is absolute. They talk to each other on the telephone twice each day every day. And he has visited her 4 times now However, the man still sometimes does not truely trust her or her motives. And because of this, he tends to be very short tempered with her and sometimes quite unfair in the way he treats her. The girl has told me that she cannot take this kind of treatment anymore and is at the point of telling him to forget the visa and marriage. It really is a shame, because he will not listen to reason from me. He cannot accept the fact that maybe it is not the girl who is the problem but he who is the problem. If he loses her, he will never find a girl as beautiful or as loving as her. So if you have doubts bout your Chinese fiancee's sincerity, put them to rest. Don't let them destroy your relationship. And question your own motives as well as your fiancee's motives.

[tywy_99]

Is that fair?

Would it be fair to have married first in China only to find out that, once in the states, there are irreconcilable differences between a couple?

 

I think the 90 days is plenty of time for two to realize if they can live together or not. Any sensible couple should know this.