babies

[sylinchinastill]

Okay- So tonight my husband had a long talk with his father- after which he started discussing- gulp- having a baby. I am 26- this is my first year of law school- and my husband is 33. I am not ready to have a baby- my career isn't stable- etc.- Now I know that the answer to this question is that if I'm not ready I shouldn't (we are talking about in two or so years- but even then I don't know that I will be ready)- but for the girls on this site- or the guys too- what age do you think is the right time for you? A lot of my friends have had babies lately but they have finished their educations and are about as financially set as they will ever be. I have a sister who is nine and I don't feel like I am much older than her- because of that I was essentially raised as an only child and I don't have much experience with children- I can teach them- but I just don't feel ready- but I don't know... Am I getting old? Should I start thinking about it or face having my husband be 40 when our first child is born? It scared me when he said that- his dad has mentioned it before- and actually I overheard the conversation- and just heard Hengli say that white people have strong bodies- so I asked and he told me what his dad said. Some of my friends are there- but a lot of my friends are not there yet- and that's okay- maybe this was a subject we should have discussed a long time ago- I do want to have kids- I think- just not yet. Anyway- any input on people's personal perspectives would be great.

[lele]

Okay- So tonight my husband had a long talk with his father- after which he started discussing- gulp- having a baby. I am 26- this is my first year of law school- and my husband is 33. I am not ready to have a baby- my career isn't stable- etc.- Now I know that the answer to this question is that if I'm not ready I shouldn't (we are talking about in two or so years- but even then I don't know that I will be ready)- but for the girls on this site- or the guys too- what age do you think is the right time for you? A lot of my friends have had babies lately but they have finished their educations and are about as financially set as they will ever be. I have a sister who is nine and I don't feel like I am much older than her- because of that I was essentially raised as an only child and I don't have much experience with children- I can teach them- but I just don't feel ready- but I don't know... Am I getting old? Should I start thinking about it or face having my husband be 40 when our first child is born? It scared me when he said that- his dad has mentioned it before- and actually I overheard the conversation- and just heard Hengli say that white people have strong bodies- so I asked and he told me what his dad said. Some of my friends are there- but a lot of my friends are not there yet- and that's okay- maybe this was a subject we should have discussed a long time ago- I do want to have kids- I think- just not yet. Anyway- any input on people's personal perspectives would be great.

You ask many of the right questions there! I think that you should wait some time based on what you say. However, this is a personal decision which has so many variables to it that it is really hard to come to any easy conclusion.

 

However, what I can tell you is that you do not need to rush. All of the scientific evidence says that if you remain strong and healthy, that if you wait until your late 30's to get pregnant, it should not be a *medical* issue.

 

This aside, I have seen so many trends. In academia, it seems that many people wait until their mid 30's at least. I also have friends who had kids before they reached 20.

 

However, for you and your position in life, I would ask when you will be ready to make an 18 year plus commitment. Do you have a secure job yet? A place in life that you want to live in? Knowledge of how things will go? Are you two secure enough in your relationship that you are ready to bring yet another person into it?

 

Good luck with your decision, and enjoy your time!! I think that everyone should spend at least 1-2 years after they are done with school before delving into this...there is so much more that we can always grow and learn from, and that will only help us, I feel, to be better parents (if that is what we want from our lives).

[Shosetsuin]

I am 24 (25 next month) right now and my wife is 28.

 

She is currently about 3 months pregnant with our baby.

 

We weren't exactly planning on it, and suffice to say I feel a little bit young to be a father, but I still feel great about it.

 

I think that you can ask yourself your whole life if you are ready or not. After all, I strongly believe that a large percentage of children are born when their parents aren't "ready."

 

I have a stable job, though I might be changing and my wife doesn't work. I am confident, however, that we will find a way to make it and will be able to fully support our child.

 

I just think its a frame of mind. The financial stability question will always be there...no matter how much you make, you could always have more to provide better...

 

nate

[maiyademama]

Wait till you are good and ready, Syl. I was mentally prepared to have a baby at 28 but I wasn't financially ready. I am a go-getter type so I have been able to swing it so far, but it would have been nice to have some savings set aside first. Men can have babies at just about any age and this day in age, it is not all that uncommon for a man to be in his forties by the time his first-born comes along. Tell "yeye" to give you a little more time.

[maiyademama]

I just think its a frame of mind. The financial stability question will always be there...no matter how much you make, you could always have more to provide better...

 

I totally agree! You make it work and it does.

 

Congratulations, BTW!

[warpedbored]

Tough questions which don't have cut and dried answers. Conventional wisdom would say if you aren't ready don't but often people aren't ready until they have no choice. My ex-wife and I put off having children because we just weren't ready yet. The marriage didn't seem stable enough and we never felt like we had enough money. Now I am 50 and childless. Fortunately Bing has a son 21 to give us grand babies to spoil. Still I have few regrets. Not having children also gave me a great deal more freedom and disposable income than my friends with children.

[beijingjenny]

I agree with all - finding a good time is important, but babies also seem to come when they want. And I'm not sure anyone is ever "ready" or "secure." This was a real issue for my husband, who definitely does not feel ready and wanted to have a home, good job etc. (he always told his dad to shup up when he started going on about grandkids - not a very respectable Chinese son Jack had nothing as a kid, tossed around to whoever would look after him and often left alone scared on his own and he wants the exact opposite for his kids.

 

But it happened anyway, and he slowly realizes it doesn't have to be the end of his youth (he is 26, I am 32). Personally, I never see myself as being settled and my parents were poor missionaries traveling the world with just their clothes and my brother and I on their backs, and we turned out okay. Kids will remember love, not a nice home with lots of toys.

 

But having said all that, it's something you and your husband have to work out. There is no right or wrong age. If you don't feel ready and your husband is willing to wait, just wait. Personally, I didn't want to be an old lady already when my kids were young adults!

[LouRose]

I can imagine how you feel Syl, as soon as we got engaged my in-laws started talking about how we should have a baby now and let them raise it in harbin. they were joking (i hope) but still, its weird. i think a lot of parents (from every culture) are just eager to become grandparents, and especially in China where grandparents traditionally do a lot of the raising of a child. they even have a saying about how grandparents and grandchildren are closer than parents and children. when you do have a baby, you won't be doing it for them, so i think you have to follow your instincts, don't listen to anything but your and your husband's feelings. Also you are totally still young enough to wait! Some of the kids at the kindergarten where I work are sooo cute it makes me think I want kids now, but really I feel the way you do, I definitely want both my husband and I to finish grad school and then have stable careers before we think about a family. I feel lucky to live in modern times where thanks to the women's movement, I don't have to start popping out the babies just because I got married. So don't let anyone pressure you! If you want to get your career started first, don't give that up. You will definitely have time for babies later.

*~Louisa~*

[awch]

Syl- I think everyone here has given you good advice but you know ultimatly the decision will lie with you. Since Xiao Ming and I first met he has been talking about when we would have kids- he is always thinking about that. And so is his family- just now we were at dinner at his grandparents and again they were saying we should have kids so that they can raise them.

 

At first I wasn't so sure what I wanted but now I really do want kids- but I want to finish grad school first. So we are thinking in about 3 years when we're about 26 or 27- but that's just us.

 

Just remember that you are not here on earth to continue the species- your life is your own. YOU should be happy- if that includes having kids, then do it. If it won't make you happy, don't.

[sylinchinastill]

Thank you to everyone for the input.