american woman/chinese man

[awch]

Hi everyone:

OK, I know the majority of you out there are men married/engaged to a woman from another country. This post is for all the women out there married to or engaged to Chinese men.

 

What are some of the problems and cultural challanges that you face? Here are some of mine:

 

My fiance and I live together in China. Our biggest cultural difference is family. Ok, his mom is really really nice, I want to make that clear. But I can't stand to be around her!!! His dad is a factory worker and his parents are regular middle class citizens. They grew up during the cultural revolution and so have no high school education. There are no books in their house. His mom's favorite thing to do is clean the house and gossip. The woman is bored. Everytime she comes to our house I have to physically restrain her (ok, not really) from cleaning our house. On Saturdays, when my fiance and I were both at work, she used to come over to our house and scrub it top to bottom. You're thinking, wow, that sounds nice to have someone come over and clean my house. Well, you wouldn't like... not if she re-arragned your bed covers to the way SHE likes them, re-organized your tupperware, re-arragned all the rugs in the house, moves food and dishes around to they way SHE likes them....

She also makes critial comments about me and people I know (critical to me, for Chinese it's not a bad thing) saying things like "your friend is so fat" or "why do you have so many zits on your face today?" Another thing she does is when we are out somewhere together she tells everyone around us where I'm from, what I do, what my mom and brother do.. everything about my life.

 

Xiao Ming really really loves his parents and is really close to them. When we first talked about getting married he suggested we live with them. He soon found out that wasn't gonna work with me. He wants to go to their house (an hour bus ride there) at least 2wice a week. Solution: I let him go by himself.

 

The other big cultural difference is that Chinese kids, especially boys, are waited on hand and foot by their parents. As a result, they often can't take care of themselves. I love my fiance, but I don't feel like I should have to cook, clean and work more hours than him. He's in the habit of just leaving his dishes on the table after dinner. He's getting better though, I'm training him....

 

I've lived in China over a year. I can understand why his parents and him act the way they do, I understand the underlying reasons of the cultural differences, but they are so darn hard to reconile in real life!!! Good thing our love is strong enough that when problems do occur, we can laugh about them instead of fight over them.

 

Other women: please post your experiences about life with your Chinese man!

 

Amber

[maiyademama]

Hi Amber,

 

WELCOME!

 

Your story is humorous and endearing even if it represents some of your *headaches* Try to keep perspective. This is your life now, in China. It will get better when the soon-to-be-in-laws live more than an hours ride away.

 

There are a few of us "western" ladies married/engaged to Chinese men here on CFL. If you were talking to me about 6 months ago, I'd be singing a different tune than the one I sing today. I married my husband in China in 2001 and we have been apart and awaiting this whole visa process since May 2003. Basically the only thing I can relate to in what you just shared with us is the unequal share of work bit. In recent months, I have discovered that my husband is a bonafied bum who can't keep a job, can't tell the truth, and refuses to really study English (he speaks but a lick of my native tongue). I am still following through with this whole visa mess because we have a 1 year-old daughter (whom I believe needs her father no matter what kind of person he is, so long as abuse, addiction, and neglect aren't an issue). He is, afterall, a *friendly* and *sweet* bum.

 

As far as cultural challenges, i can't say that we have had any, or at least I haven't discerned that they were cultural challenges....just personality challenges. That is not to say that I haven't experienced any of the little cultural pet peaves like, "You need to wear more clothes or else you will catch the flu..." and it is 65 degrees F and I am wearing pants and a sweater already. Or how about, "you need to tie boards to the baby's legs when she sleeps so she will have pretty legs when she is older." No thank you, her legs are fine and beautiful already!

 

I wish I could share some positive insight and I do remember the times when i believed "Love will conquor all!" I am over it now, though.

 

BeijingJenny and Kim Du and Sylinchinastill are a few other women on the candle with happier stories and a more positive take on marriage to a Chinese man. What I have discovered is men are men, period.

 

Hope this post isn't too much of a downer. i just got off the phone with the dope, trying to explain to him how to fill out the forms that he needs for his interview on november 1st. "this is how to spell 'China'...no not C-H-E-N-A, C-H-I-N-A" and we had to fill out 3 forms....it took 3 hours

[sylinchinastill]

I have been married for three months now and we lived together in China for two and a half years before receiving the visa. Luckily my husband is not close to his parents and so we don't have the same problems with the in-laws. I have met his father a couple of times but not his mother. I have heard a lot about the Chinese mother-in-law thing though. A friend of mine went through the same type of thing with her mother-in-law getting into her business and etc. The messiness thing is a major problem. My husband cooks for himself often (we also eat together but sometimes he gets cravings for pig-bone soup and rice soup and pickled vegetables)- when he does this he will eat and make a huge mess and then leave it on the table. The last time my mom visited us she freaked out about him doing that and lectured him and he is a lot better about it for the most part. She is worried we will get sick from it. There are some huge cultural differences and I think with a Chinese man it is different from a Chinese woman because men are messier for the most part anyway and are also pig-headed about things. Try not to make an enemy of the mother-in-law even if you hate her because it will be bad for you in the future- because then when you guys fight if he tells her she can push him into thinking against you. I'm not saying he would do that or even that she would but I wouldn't leave myself open to that possibility. Good luck with that- and try not to let what she says or does get to you- when she is cleaning or wants to clean just instruct her to do a certain task and then you can make sure she doesn't move things around. Or just be straight with her- Chinese people generally respect that- but don't show that it bothers you- voice yourself but mask your expressions- that way she can't mess with you.

[awch]

"You need to wear more clothes or else you will catch the flu..."  and it is 65 degrees F and I am wearing pants and a sweater already.

Wow, are there really only FOUR of us women out there married to Chinese men on the candle? I didn't expect a lot, but I expected more than that!!

 

I love the above quote, now I know it's not only Xiao Ming's mom that freaks out about me being "underdressed". I'm from Michigan where it's a lot colder than here, I lived there for 23 years by myself, I think I know how to dress myself by now... Last winter it got so bad I refused to go to his parents house because, literally, every 5 minutes his mom would jump up and lift up my pants or sleeves to see how many layers I was wearing (if I was wearing the required "qiou ku") and talk about how I wasn't wearing enough, no matter how much I had on!!

 

Thanks to you 2 women for sharing your stories. I don't hate Xiao ming's mom, she just drives me crazy sometimes. I mean, I just feel like the gap between us is so large, we really have nothing in common. It's so hard to understand each other. In my head, I like her, but when I'm confronted with her actual physical presence it's another story. It doesn't help that she can't speak any English and I still need to improve my Chinese a lot.

 

Does it seem that all the women who are with Chinese men were living in China when they met, rather than meeting over the internet or something?

 

maiyademama sorry to hear about your bad luck. Your Chinese must be really good! I feel that I'm so extremely lucky to have my Xiao Ming, I know most people think their intended is wonderful but really, he's the best! We have a great relationship, he is everything good for me. In the beginning we fought a lot about stuff related to his mom, but everything is OK now. His mom has started watching TV programs about foreigners married to Chinese, so its helping a little! She's starting to learn the meaning of "privacy".

 

Ok, thanks again for sharing!

I'm interested to know about how your Chinese husband likes the US and what his reactions are.

 

Amber

[Guest enight]

not only 4... I knew there was at least 2 other female Americans married Chinese...

 

one was CFL member.. joined similar time as I did... another one is on 001.

[sylinchinastill]

Actually my husband lived in the US before and so it wasn't brand new for him- but it is hard for him- he has his own business and works at home (which is good because in TN it takes forever to get the work permit) but I think that aggravates his loneliness (plus I am in my first year of law school so I don't have very much time)- so he likes it okay- but he feels lonely- misses his friends, etc.- everyone will go through that- I think he also feels some discrimination- he has good degrees- from a two good schools- Nankai and Vanderbilt- but I have noticed that some people talk to him like he is retarded- like in the gas station and etc.- he can't understand the Memphis accent sometimes- and has a difficult time understanding the accent of southern African-Americans- and people will talk down to him in response- which drives me insane. Sometimes I think it is easier here than it was for me in China- and sometimes I don't think so- but either way you just have to really support each other. I know sometimes he would get mad at me in China when I had just eaten my fill of Chinese food and needed Western food- but now he gets really grumpy if he hasn't eaten Chinese food in a while.

[beijingjenny]

I agree with Maiyademama - it's more personality clashes than culture for us. And linguistic challenges - his English is amazing

[mari]

Hi Amber, I'm the other american woman with a chinese fiance. My boyfriend and I have a great challenge in our relationship: I'm cuban-american, born in Cuba and raised in the U.S. (actually Puerto Rico), we speak English to each other, but it's not our main language, but we do OK So he has to deal with the mix of american and latin culture in me. We've been together for almost 3 years now, we met in internet and I'm so grateful to life for finding him in my path. I haven't met his parents yet, but I'm not so thrilled about it, as I myself don't speak any chinese, not even know how to eat with chopsticks yet. For one thing I know that chinese take care of their elders which is something that I respect much, my fiance has an older brother who will stay in China with the parents, although I've stated clearly that they can come to visit us at any time in the future as they wish. As far as our relationship goes, there are definitely some differences. I don't understand why they don't like expressions of affection in public, why they are so hard headed at times... but I wouldn't change him for nothing in the world. I've been 4 times to China (fifth next December), we do share house duties, like he will cook and I will wash the dishes, and we love to cook together. He's the love of my life, and we understand each other very well. I've found that there are more reasons that keep us together than reasons to keep us apart. I think that the "mom issue" is something that can happen anywhere no matter to what culture you belong, it happened to me in my first marriage and it made me very unhappy. Distance was the remedy to it, my ex joined the military and the problem was resolved. I wish you much happiness in the future and a speedy process.

[beijingjenny]

I agree with Maiyademama - it's more personality clashes than culture for us. And linguistic challenges - his English is amazing (compared to my still poor Chinese) but it's still hard to make jokes and sarcasm is lost...perhaps these are good things though

 

I too don't have the dreaded mother-in-law. She was a runaway when my husband was little. He is closer to his father, but he also didn't do a lot for him. Lived with grandparents or whoever would take him. So the upside is he is better at taking care of himself - doesn't expect to be babied. But then again

[awch]

Sylstillinchina thanks for your info about your husband. I haven't thought about that part of it before, about people talking down to him. My fiance has really super English in that he has bascially no accent so that might not be such a big problem for him. I hope not, he won't respond well to that!! Also since he is a Chinese assistant at an English school he has to work with teachers from all over the world. He's gotten pretty good at understanding accents.

 

Mari, there is a teacher I work with whose father is from Shanghai and his mother is from puerto rico. They've been married a really long time, so it can work!!

 

And for what everyone said, I definatly agree that most issues are personality issues, not cultural. But there are a few big things are definatly cultural, such as family! If I grew up in China I wouldn't have such a radically different view, such as not wanting to live with my parents after I'm married. If you don't have too much interaction with your husband's family then I can see how that hasn't really come up.

 

And Beijing Jenny- there definatly are some linguistic challanges, especially in the beginning. When we first met, that was what most of our fights were about- we just couldn't understand each other. Like one time, I told him he was being "silly" which he took as a serious insult. I couldn't figure out why he was so mad! Luckily, that doesn't happen so often anymore.

 

Thanks again to everyone who wrote back- and what is "001"? I keep seeing posts referring to that but I can't find what it is.

 

Amber

[beijingjenny]

Okay, my connection was messed up, so here's all I MEANT to post Sorry for the multiples, and more later!

 

I agree with Maiyademama - it's more personality clashes than culture for us. And linguistic challenges - his English is amazing (compared to my still poor Chinese) but it's still hard to make jokes and sarcasm is lost...perhaps these are good things though

 

I too don't have the dreaded mother-in-law. She was a runaway when my husband was little. He is closer to his father, but he also didn't do a lot for him. Lived with grandparents or whoever would take him. So the upside is he is better at taking care of himself - doesn't expect to be babied. But then again, seems to need more attention!

 

Actually, when his father visited, I was impressed - he cooked a lot for us AND cleaned up as he cooked. The kitchen has never been so continuously clean. We are both bad about dishes...

 

We met here in China right after I arrived. It probably is more common for American woman/Chinese man to actually meet here than online. There is still a lot of prejudice or whatever abot this kind of relationship though. An acquaintance who arrived a few months ago has had a Chinese b/f or too and gets no end of grief about it. I think that's very small minded. You're in China after all...

 

My hubby's not even sure he wants to live much in the US, so I am doing all the work for the immigration. Not sure I want to settle there either, but just nice to have the freedom to be with my family when we want.

 

Anyway, great idea for post, let's keep up the exhanges - I definitely feel outnumbered, left out of posts that talk about "your ladies" and such.

[beijingjenny]

P.S. Amber, I was surprised when we were in the US, because my husband's English is so good and his comprehesion with foreigners here and movies and stuff. But he had such a hard time understanding some people in the US - really annoyed a McD's worker when he had to ask her to repeat something several times and still didn't get it! Can happen to anyone though, native or not - at least it does to me too.

[maiyademama]

Hi Amberzhu,

 

001 is a chinese website devoted to obtaining foreign visas. i think the url is http://www.001.com.cn but i am not 100% sure. I think there might be a link to it on the references and links forum.

 

only 6 days left till my husband goes for the interview. I am feeling really torn about it. half of me hopes he will fail and be forced to stay in China and the other half hopes he will pass so he can come and help raise his daughter too bad i am not a drinkin' woman...if i were it would be a lot easier to get past the anxiety of waiting through this final stretch.

 

cheers, ladies!

 

Tazsa

[awch]

maiyademama:

let us know what happens! i wish the best for you.

 

amber

[LouRose]

Hi, this topic might be a little old, but I was glad to find it because I feel outnumbered by western men with chinese wives all the time. Especially at the language school where I work, so many of the male English teachers are married to Chinese women and sometimes when they find out my husband is Chinese they act all surprised and say "oh can that actually work between a western woman and chinese man too?" hello!! we're in love just like anybody else. i haven't met many couples like us so far.

 

well, i liked your complaints about your in-laws (or future in-laws) too. i am getting along with mine better these days, of course it helps a lot that we live in beijing and they are back in Harbin. My husband's mom actually knitted some long underwear for me and sent them. They are so thick and itchy I can't even bring myself to try them on but she won't listen to reason! She also sent a couple hideous sweater vests and I don't know what to do with them! and i think she's trying to ambush me on the phone. yesterday after my husband talked to her for a while and hung up, about an hour later she called back for no apparent reason. i answered the phone and i was stuck pretending i loved the knitted pants. i just know she did that on purpose, trying to catch me off guard and get me to answer the phone so my husband couldn't tell her I was busy.

oh well, thats life i guess.

 

here's another question - do you girls hang out with your husband/boyfriend's friends? do you get along with them? i don't really and i sort of feel bad about it. any comments?

 

*~Louisa~*