Question regarding a Chinese sister-in-law

[MomoMommy14]

I'm trying to understand why my Chinese sister in law is so territorial over my mother.  Her and my brother have been married 10 years, they have 2 children together.  She is a teacher and my brothers job requires him to be away on business quite a bit of the time.  My brother and his wife purchased a home, however, her parents virtually live there (they have a home of their own but its easier to help with childcare etc if they live with my brother and his wife).  Recently her sisters family also moved in.  My brother would like to find a job that would be more local, however he literally cannot stand that her whole family lives with him and according to her they can never ask them to leave.  Anyhow, back 12 or so years ago when she was just being introduced to my family, she made a beeline to my mother and has not let up since.  She made a note of what books, face creams, restaurants my mother likes and brings them to her, talks with her about them etc.  She takes my mother out to dinner and just came in really really hot.  At the time, I thought well this is nice, its a bit much but its nice, i stood aside and thought, i'll let them bond.  12 years later and now the sister in law lives at the summer house my parents own for the entire summer with the children.  This is a 'family' property and all us kids are encouraged and allowed to vacation there at will.  My parents live there all summer.  But so does my sister in law.  In fact, due to covid i was not able to go for a year.  I showed up this year and my sister in law was acting like i was a guest there.  At first i thought she was just being hospitable, however, i then saw it as territorial.  She kept referring to 'inside jokes' with my mom, name dropped each and every extended family member with an anectode about a RECENT visit.  I thought, this is weird, she knows i havnt seen family in a year and i'm sad about that?  She seemed to want me to know, that she was COMPLETELY INVOLVED with my entire family.  Ok.  So i'm trying to have some 1:1 time with my mom who is 75.  Impossible.  My sister in law inserted herself into every conversation, every act, everything.  It was very awkward and my politeness wore off on day 4-5.  I then was very forward and requested that she not help me with dinner (this is her DOMAIN, the kitchen), that I would be taking my mom to lunch, just her and I.  Well, my sister in law left the property with the kids for a couple days.  It was like, if it wasnt her way, she didnt want to be involved.  Anyhow, she stares at my mom and hangs on every word.  My brother is the only son in our family which in western culture means jack squat.  lol.  Him, myself and our sister are equals in our family, in terms of importance, future inheritance and obligation to our parents.  But she is constantly dropping Chinese culture bombs on us like 'in Chinese culture the oldest son inherits everything'. And, we are going to move closer to your parents so they can live with us and we can take care of them.  I truly feel run over by her and just trying to 'hold space' and have access to my mother took all my energy and my visit was exhausting.  We know have Christmas coming up and the entire family is getting together.  My sister in law has already made some suggestions about how things will go, meal planning etc. and I cant help but think - please back off.  She has both her parents, her sister and all her relatives.  Can't she let me have mine?

 

[Randy W]

Hopefully, a Chinese woman will be along shortly to help you out. But traffic on this site is pretty scarce these days.

The responsibility seems to lie with your brother to keep his wife in line, and, to a lesser degree, your mother, to not let it get out of hand, and to treat her children more equitably.

I'm sure there are other examples of women who behave this way, but, no, this situation does not seem "normal" or "cultural" at all.

If your brother is claiming that that's "Chinese culture" at play, there is no reason for him to subjugate his own culture (in this case, his family) in favor of hers. Nor is there any reason for her to run roughshod over yours.

If she chooses to play the game of "leaving with the kids for a couple of days", she will do so, unless your brother can put a stop to it.

I think all you can do is to let your brother know how you feel. I would expect your mother already does, but it wouldn't hurt to have a talk with her also.

But there is probably not much you can do if your brother chooses to remain passive in the face of this "cultural" onslaught, other than to keep enough distance to preserve your sanity as best you can.

[Martin B]

Did you talk to your brother, sister, and/or mother about this? What did they say?

It's possible there are some ulterior motives here. Or the sister-in-law is just naturally overly-controlling but with no bad intentions.

This does seems like the total opposite of most in-law relationships LOL. And I would also be driven crazy if I had to live with my parents and her sister's entire family... 

Edited August 27, 2021 by Barfus (see edit history)

[MomoMommy14]

I spoke with my sister about it for the first time this summer, and she actually brought it up.  She came out when our sister and law took the kids away for a couple of days.  She said 'its a take-over'.  I'm not sure I see it entirely that way.  I just wish our sister in law could try to blend into our family instead of trying to impose her family values on us.  My family is very polite and conflict averse, so up until now we have sat back and just let her run her show.  But both my sister and I feel her and my brother are angling to perhaps take over the family summer house.  I did speak with my mother this summer about that and she said 'there is no way that's happening and after we pass it will be left equally to you three'.  So, that's good news and it set my mind at ease.  I guess I was wondering, from a Chinese culture viewpoint - is the mother-in-law really really really important??  lol!  It just seems like from day one she has been just kind of obsessed with our mother!  And us sisters are 'ok' but she could do without us.  Its like she wants it to be her, my brother, her kids and my parents.  I don't think i was overly rude this summer but I defineatly placed some boundaries around what I'm comfortable with.  And i received some pushback for sure.  We had my aunt and uncle over with their grand daughter and my sister in law was going on about what to serve when they came.  I simply said, I'd like to prepare lunch for them and I dont need help.  She left that morning and was late for lunch and did not really want anything to do with the food.  It's like, if she's not in control she wants nothing to do with it.  Also, when i'm catching up with family, she inserts herself saying things like 'i'm very outgoing!' and drawing attention to herself. And I'm just desperatly trying to catch up with my loved ones.  They are getting older and I want some time before they're gone.  I have spoken to my brother before, years ago, when he asked if we (my sisters and I) would mind if he built a small 'house' on the lake house property.  Presumable for his family.  I said that i minded.  I said it set a bad precendent as it was a family space and building a personal house suggests ownership of that space, that view etc.  He got very mad and built in anyways.  So, thats what he thinks about my opinion!  He seems to enjoy that his wife is so 'in charge'.  My daughter is in her early 20's and she told him to be 'quiet' when she was reading in the shared living room when he brought his kids in and they were making a tonne of noise.  He was furious and brought it up with me.  Both him and his wife said ' if she wants quiet she can go to the beach'.  I was like 'or you could take your kids to the beach?'.  I think at their house the entire family just sits around watching the kids all the time.  I enjoy their kids very much but everyday for the entire summer?  Oi.

Also, she has brought her own friends to the family cabin when it is just her, without my  brother, out there.  It's just weird.  And my parents are too polite to say or do anything.  

[Martin B]

4 hours ago, MomoMommy14 said:

I spoke with my sister about it for the first time this summer, and she actually brought it up.  She came out when our sister and law took the kids away for a couple of days.  She said 'its a take-over'.  I'm not sure I see it entirely that way.  I just wish our sister in law could try to blend into our family instead of trying to impose her family values on us.  My family is very polite and conflict averse, so up until now we have sat back and just let her run her show.  But both my sister and I feel her and my brother are angling to perhaps take over the family summer house.  I did speak with my mother this summer about that and she said 'there is no way that's happening and after we pass it will be left equally to you three'.  So, that's good news and it set my mind at ease.  I guess I was wondering, from a Chinese culture viewpoint - is the mother-in-law really really really important??  lol!  It just seems like from day one she has been just kind of obsessed with our mother!  And us sisters are 'ok' but she could do without us.  Its like she wants it to be her, my brother, her kids and my parents.  I don't think i was overly rude this summer but I defineatly placed some boundaries around what I'm comfortable with.  And i received some pushback for sure.  We had my aunt and uncle over with their grand daughter and my sister in law was going on about what to serve when they came.  I simply said, I'd like to prepare lunch for them and I dont need help.  She left that morning and was late for lunch and did not really want anything to do with the food.  It's like, if she's not in control she wants nothing to do with it.  Also, when i'm catching up with family, she inserts herself saying things like 'i'm very outgoing!' and drawing attention to herself. And I'm just desperatly trying to catch up with my loved ones.  They are getting older and I want some time before they're gone.  I have spoken to my brother before, years ago, when he asked if we (my sisters and I) would mind if he built a small 'house' on the lake house property.  Presumable for his family.  I said that i minded.  I said it set a bad precendent as it was a family space and building a personal house suggests ownership of that space, that view etc.  He got very mad and built in anyways.  So, thats what he thinks about my opinion!  He seems to enjoy that his wife is so 'in charge'.  My daughter is in her early 20's and she told him to be 'quiet' when she was reading in the shared living room when he brought his kids in and they were making a tonne of noise.  He was furious and brought it up with me.  Both him and his wife said ' if she wants quiet she can go to the beach'.  I was like 'or you could take your kids to the beach?'.  I think at their house the entire family just sits around watching the kids all the time.  I enjoy their kids very much but everyday for the entire summer?  Oi.

Also, she has brought her own friends to the family cabin when it is just her, without my  brother, out there.  It's just weird.  And my parents are too polite to say or do anything.  

 

I would say that in my experience, the wife and mother-in-law relationship in China is often... not great.  Your brother's wife to be blunt, seems a little odd and oblivious to social norms & customs in your country (UK?). Just an FYI - I've seen so many battles when property is passed onto two siblings equally, let alone three - with a wife like your sister-in-law to boot. Be on high alert.

You'll probably have to do things through your brother, as the more you directly confront the sister-in-law, the more you'll likely piss off both of them. Hopefully you can find a solution to this. Good luck.

[Catherineli]

Hello everyone! Hello Randy! 

Hello to the author!

I'm a Chinese woman and I'm also a teacher in America. I understand the situation that the author mentioned. Honestly, I agree with the above people's opinions that the brother is the key person in the family. Unfortunately, the family leader seems to be the Sister-in-law, not the Brother. Maybe, the brother is happy to take advantage of the working chance out of town. Maybe the brother likes to be away from his bossy wife.

However, the author's main concern is the family property called "Summer House" that should be shared with every sibling in the family. Otherwise, who cares, if the sister-in-law brought in many permanent visitors? I'm not sure how old the Mother is.  In order to avoid bigger family conflict from the Summer House in future, have the family thought of selling the common property and sharing the profit of money among the siblings, instead of sharing the house?  Or should the family make a agreement that every sibling has a border month to stay in the Summer House? For instance, May, June belongs to sister-in law and July August is another sibling's turn.  Maintaining the house needs money too, which should be share by the siblings. 

This sister in law's been Americanized after she's been in America for so many years. She isn't Chinese anymore. True, males are the main trunk in the family tree according to Chinese traditional culture. My father had three children, me, my sister and my brother. We three are only two years apart. One of memories to my childhood is that my parents gave our brother better food to eat. My sister and I just stood there watching him eat. My sister doesn't know her own birth day because my parents forgot which day she was born. Her ID birth date was made up by my parents. Girls are like "poured water" that will be someone else' wife in another family. My parents brainwashed us girls that we should love our brother only.  That is a good education. There has never been jealousy among us siblings. After we grow up, my father still only preferred his son. He gave his house and his other property all to his son. He gave us girls NOTHING.  By the end of his life, my brother took Dad home taking good care of him. Dad was paralyzed in bed for six years. Do you think your sister-in-law will take good care of your mom who is her mother-in-law?

Inheritance should accord with responsibility to the aged.

Best Wishes

Catherine 

[Catherineli]

I really love American culture about the in-law relationship in the family. Everyone has his own boundary and everyone observes it but love is still there! It's much easier in the daily life. Chinese in-laws are a nightmare to many people. I'm very happy that I'm in America now!!