Home Sick Wife

[cisco10s]

My wife has been in the U.S. for six months. She seems very sad and is sleeping alot. I can not get her to talk about what is bothering her.

 

Any suggestions?

[se_lang]

My wife has been in the U.S.  for six months.  She seems very sad and is sleeping alot.  I can not get her to talk about what is bothering her.

 

Any suggestions?

you will receive many and varied. She needs to talk to somebody have you tried to get her to call home and talk to family, She may have a chemical imbalance an needs a Dr, so many options it is hard to say, there are a few here that have training that can better help then I.

[tonado]

She needs to make some friends or takes some classes or work.

[Kaige]

My wife when there is nothing to do she will sleep to pass the time away, now that she has her drivers licensce she has the car and can go places while I work

[skibum]

How is her English? Good enough to get out and talk to people?

What interests did she have in China?

[Guest Long_strider]

Cisco,

 

Making the transition to a new marriage and another culture is difficult, even under the best of circumstances. Depressed mood is not uncommon after the initial excitement of the transition.

 

First, you may wish to consult with a physician or mental health provider to assess for the presence of clinical depression and options for treatment. Certainly saddness and excessive sleep can be some of many symptons. Other signs might be change in appetite, lack of enjoyment of activities, emotional changes such as frequent tearfulness, social isolation, etc.

 

Things that might help in the transition.

 

1. Developing a social support system in the local community.

 

My wife enrolled in some ESL classes at the local community college.

there she made contact with several Chinese women who were new

to the US. They developed a bond and had outside social activities

such as lunch, shopping, and other things.

 

There are also churches who have programs to help new immigrants

transition. Often social contracts can be made there.

 

In our city there is a Chinese Community Service Organzation. You

may wish to check an see if such organizations are availableand what

resources are available.

 

We also local several Chinese newspapers published here on the West

Coast that we read on a regular basis.

 

2. My wife recently has begun voluntering in a local social service

organzation, because she has been unable to find employment due to

the high employment as well as her limited English skills. The

volunteer work helps give her some structure and meaning to her daily

life, as well as giving her opportunities to practice and improve her

conversational English. One of her primary goals is to obtain

employment this summer. I think that when this occurs she will

completed her major goals for the first year in the USA.

 

3. My wife has become a 001 forum "addict". She reads it every day and

learns for others comments and experiences. She has also has some

email contact with others from the 001 forum that have helpped her.

A day does not go by that she doesn't share with me something

interesting or funny that she read there.

 

4. We purchased phone cards and she makes weekly calls to family

members and friends in China to stay connect with them and their activities.

She also emails friends on a regular basis in China.

 

5. I asked my wife to assume some responsibilites in our household such

as managing the finances, etc. Mainly becasue she is much better at it

than I am. She has also become a "coupon addict" and surveys the

newspapers daily. I do think that having shared responsibilities is

important as part of meaningful contributions to the relationship.

 

6. She recently began a garden in our backyard with Chinese vegtables

and appears to be enjoying this.

 

7. There are several Chinese grocery stores in the local community which

we visit on a routine basis.

 

8. One of her first requests, actually one of her requested wedding gifts,

was for me to orient her to the local public transit system so that she

feels a great sense of freedom and not isolated in the house. Usually

she is out and about on the bus 3-4 times per week on various

excursions by herself or with a newly met friend. Like others on the

site, we are in the process of practicing driving towards getting her

own driver's license. She views this as a major goal.

 

9. We have also discussed and begun planning for a return visit to China

next Feburary during Chinese New Year. She is looking forward to

this as a time to stay connected with her family and friends in China.

 

 

Cisco,

 

These are only my thoughts and some of the things that we have done to help make the transition a little easier. Others on this board have many other ideas to offer, I believe. You many wish to see if one of the other Chinese spouses on this board lives near you and can offer some support. If no one lives close, perhaps they would be willing to become an email penpal with your wife to offer some support or ideas.

 

 

Long_strider & Yuging (in USA 9 months.)

[garagegods]

Good topic,

 

This is something most if not all of us go through. my wife has been here about the same amount of time 6 months. And at times there have been heavy amounts of missing home that she has gone through along with culture shock. The most important thing is to let her know that you understand and know it is difficult living in a strange country and be supportive, encourage her to try new things. We are fortunate my wifes english is excellent,better than mine(hahahah) she got her drivers licence very quickly and started working and is now in 5 weeks training with a major company, we are blessed!!! prior to working and driving she was very depressed and felt like a burden and useless, she left a her family and a great job. now that she is making her own money and is busy and interacting with other people besides myself she seems much happier, although she still misses home. She calls her family regularly, we go to chinese community and buy grocerys and eat good food that is a big boost for her. These things take time a profesional told us it can take 4 to 5 years for someone to adjust to life in a new country.

we go to a family therapist to talk about these differences every few months.

 

as far as sleeping, i have learned it is not uncommon for chinese woman to sleep often they really value sleep,rest or naps, as long as its not in excess its common. my wifes job in china she would often take a 1 hour nap at lunch.

 

Again, the main thing is be supportive and understand there is a huge adjustment for her. seek outside help and talk about what you both are feeling.

 

jm

[keelec]

Well,

 

It seems as if my biggest problem is that Irina is already homesick, and she hasn't even left Russia yet..... Perhaps that is a bad sign.

 

Long_Strider's comments were very good.

 

We'll see once Irina arrives, but I think the best way to combat homesickness will be to always look for fun and interesting activities for us to do together, as well as things for her to do alone too. School, ESL, etc.

 

Irina is young enough that I think she will enjoy some "theme parks"..... Maybe she won't want to try "Mr. Freeze" Anyway, we definately have a lot of touring to do together in the USA.

 

-----------------------------

 

Oh, one other thing that wasn't mentioned.

 

I've been a single "bachelor" for far too long. I've gotten used to working late at night. I have nothing to go home to other than an empty house (ok, full of "stuff", but nobody else).

 

I have promised myself that I will find a way to get home for dinner EVERY NIGHT. I don't care about how much "homework" I have to bring with me. Perhaps I can even start waking up earlier in the mornings.... 4 AM to do "night" stuff in the AM???

 

No matter what, I will try to dedicate some time to "family" stuff in the evenings.

 

While there may not be a cure for homesickness, building a "NEW HOME" may help.

 

------ Clifford ------

[cisco10s]

Thanks everyone for all of the great ideas.

 

I have spoken to her ESL counselor and she also thought that culture shock could be the problem. All of the advise helps me to be more understanding and it is good to know we are not alone.

 

I will definitely help her plan to stay busy, a Chinese garden is a great idea.

 

Thanks again!

[mai ke shu shu]

Yes, I've heard a lot of this kind of depression and I think it's a little beyond "homesickness". It's more like really bad culture shock mixed with percieved abandonment. I stress the word "percieved". My mother has been warning me that my wife "Elaine" will suffer from this too.

 

The way I'm going to handle it is to buy her a plane ticket to china so she can visit her family, friends, eat an oil stick, and a 1.50rmb bowl of noodles, ride in really cheap red taxis, ect. She will have had enough of that after two weeks and can't wait to come back to the states. Believe me, she won't be "homesick" anymore after that. It's like the pygmailion thing, you can't take 'em out of the ghetto only to throw them back, so they will return to you happy.

 

So I concur with my mom. Most girls need that extra trip back home after about 4-6 months in the states and judging from the commentaries on 001.com it sounds like that's a good plan which, if needed, I've already budgeted.

 

Most of those girls on 001 have little preparation for life in the USA, or more appropriate, outside Red China. I'm horrified that most of their husbands are not supportive, at least according to the wives. Or I should say, maybe they DON'T KNOW HOW to be supportive in this situation. Of course we are only hearing one side of the story on 001. But a lot of those women are miserable, that part is undeniable. Some say they hate the USA and want so much to go back to Shanghai or whereever. Some are put off by the cost of living, among other things. Everytime my wife reads this, and we are still in Luoyang, this scares the crap out of her. Some of these girls don't even know basic English. I'm shocked to hear this. They feel a prisoner in the house. They can't communicate, they can't take a bus or drive a car, or take a class, they can't do much of anything. I fault the husbands here, in a big huge way. Where the hell are they!! To busy with their careers I suppose. Is it no wonder that 70% of these marriages fail?

 

My wife has great english, she's worked in international companies in Beijing and Tianjin. So she's in great shape and I have to keep reminding her of that. When we arrive in florida, I have made sure that she has a built in support system already. My mom, grandmother, my sisters and sisters in law, plus we are bringing her dog. They will keep her very busy. We will probably all travel around the USA with her for a couple of months or so. I'm sure there's some husbands thinking "how can I take time off of my job?" My answer to that is "How can you not." that is, if you want your marriage to work.

 

Everybody is different of course, but I think you have to have some kind of plan, not just drop her off at the place of residence and that's that. Our first stop will be Disney world since my dad lives right down the street from there.

 

If she's clinically depressed, that's a different story.

 

I'm not being critical or a whistle blower, but if someone is feeling depressed, it's time to take actions. I am trying to give people food for thought about how to handle things a little differently and creatively. Personally, my goal is NOT to be a statistic and some of these marriages are already doomed because clearly the women are feeling resentful.

[se_lang]

Is it no wonder that 70% of these marriages fail?

 

Last thing I read and sorry cant find it again was international marriages last longer then good Ole American marriages. But you are right as any marriage needs effort.

[Martytb]

mai ke shu shu,

 

I think your mother has the right of it. I will keep enough money in the bank so my wife can make the trip when she feels the need to see home.

I have been thinking a lot about her becoming homesick, but it never crossed my mind to send her home for a few weeks. What an obvious and simple solution. Thanks I am hoping she will be here by September.

 

By the way, our home is in Florida and not far from Disney.

[mai ke shu shu]

Cool!! We'll have to get together when we come to visit dear old dad. He lives in the Rio Pinar section

[Bryan_Qunying]

I must agree that those husbands that do not plan for this just have no idea how good their life will be once the wife has over come these issues.

 

Very soon my wife will be here in the states. The funny thing about this topic is my wife and I had this same talk last night. I told her that I know she is strong enough to do anything she wants to but the biggest and only worry I have for her and my step daughter will be the loneliness that will probably set in after about 3 weeks.

 

I have tried to prepare myself and my wife and daughter for this transition. But all the planing and talking about it will not keep it from happening. Sense I have several years with my company, I have a sizable amount of vacation I can take. I have already set aside 30 days for when they get here and another 2 weeks for Christmas.

 

I have told my wife that we will always make a visit to China every 2 years as a family. (Each odd year will be to visit my family throughout the U.S.) she seems to like this idea the best. It will also give us the chance to save more money so our visit can be longer than 1 or 2 weeks.

 

I feel that I have a good plan to help combat what is yet to come. But I will never be able to keep the feeling of missing family and friends away 100%. This will be the time we will do special things together as a family.

 

Bryan

[keelec]

We'll see how things go once Irina gets here. I am somewhat of a idealist, but I realize that we both will have some big adjustments to make when she arrives, and I will strive very hard to make her comfortable.

 

As far as a trip "home" to Russia (or China).

 

Should we plan on going together or seperately? Or, perhaps doing 1 leg of the trip seperately, and 1 leg together?

 

Hmmm, if we are fortunate enough to get the visa by July or August.... 4 to 6 months later would put it mid-winter with 30 below weather in Russia. Perhaps she would rather wait until the spring to go home.

 

----- Clifford -----